a tale of two auditions

Well folks, I never thought it would happen, but it did. What, might you ask? Pull a seat up and I'll tell you. Brace yourself; I'm about to take FAR too long to tell the shortest story ever.

 Last week I did the risky move of auditioning for two shows. Two very different shows (a whimsical musical and a comedic straight play) that would be in rehearsal at the same time. After a lot of debate and persuasion from Sparky and Piano Man they convinced me to try out for both by telling me the worst thing that would happen is that I would be cast in both and have to choose. Of course this is me we're talking about so I knew that wouldn't be an issue. I must admit I would have been lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about the tiny possibility of being invited to both.

Wednesday I went to audition #1, waited 2.5 hours, missed tap, and then completely bombed. (No, this isn't an exaggeration. I was embarrassingly awful, and yes I was prepared so I can't blame it on that). I left not expecting anything, but amazingly enough I was invited to call backs on Saturday, and bombed again. The sad thing was I was more upset with myself for failing to be as good as I know I can be and for missing tap on Wednesday then I was about the fact I knew I wouldn't be getting a casting call.

After the failed callback I headed over to Audition #2. Aside from a tiny stumble during my monologue this audition went surprisingly well. They thanked me and told me I would know by Monday, so I thanked them for their time, and headed home. I have only had a feeling-that confident 'I nailed this-the role is mine' feeling after an audition twice. This audition and the callback for when I played Emily Arden in State Fair. I felt pretty confident but I tried not to get my hopes up and to not stress the rest of the weekend. (The closest thing I did to counting my eggs before they hatched was reserving a copy of the script from the library just in case.) Other than that I pretty much didn't think about it again and I didn't stress. Not. One. Bit.

Monday finally rolled around, and guess what? I got a call. The best part? It's a LEAD. Me. I finally did well enough to earn a LEADING ROLE. I will be playing Ruth in Blithe Spirit at the Empress in Magna. The more I read the script the more I love it, the cast is spectacular, and I will be working with several friends again-including Stephen! I am beyond psyched, I'm scared out of my mind, and I can't wait to start rehearsals on Saturday!

The show will run May 4-24 on Fridays, Saturdays, and Mondays. I'll post more the closer it gets, but mark your calendars now!

big things are commin' my way

Or at least I hope so.

For the past few days-lie-weeks I have just had the feeling something big, something GREAT is on the horizon for me.

The only problem? I have no idea what it is.

An engagement? Possibly (although I'm not holding my breath for this one.)
A new home? Hopefully (I have been looking-but either way I WILL be moving in February.)
Finally achieving my goal and playing a leading role? Doubtful as I haven't auditioned for anything, but it's a nice thought.
The news for my big secret being good news? Hopefully.

All I know is I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas. Hopefully HF will see fit to share His little secret with me soon, cause I'm DYING.

here we come a' caroling

I bet you're wondering why in the world I'm talking about Christmas in August?

Well I have some news. Some news I'm VERY excited about, but since I don't want to jinx it (or have to explain my failure later) I'm just gonna whet your appetite a little with a picture and leave it at that:

Now I'm pretty sure it won't start controversy like this one did, but I'm leaving you all with baited breath until next week--hopefully I will have some GREAT news to share...

just say "thank you"

When did it become so hard for us to accept compliments? Better yet when did it make us cocky or conceited or snotty when we gracefully accept these compliments? They are meant to lift you up and make you feel good about yourself, yet almost everyone I know avoids receiving them like the plague.

I have seen this a lot-I don't know if it's because I'm watching for it, or what, but it's interesting. Nine times out of ten when I pay someone a compliment the response I get is some form of "you're crazy", or "no, I'm really not.", or deflect it all together and turn it around to me, the compliment giver. It's infuriating to me! I'm trying to tell you something nice in sincerity, hopefully making your day better, and you shoot it down. I am no means guiltless either-and that makes me even madder--and a hypocrite. Mr. Wonderful tells me almost every day how beautiful I am. Why am I so incapable of just saying "thank you"? why do I always feel the need to discredit his opinions of me? I know I'm no supermodel, but I also know I'm no troll. Why is it so impossible for me to just say "thank you"? Don't even get me started on when someone compliments me on my talents, although I find it odd it's easier to accept compliments and congratulations from a stranger than the people who mean the very most to me.

This inability of mine has been brought to my attention even more over the last few days. My co-worker has been on maternity leave and is set to return on Monday. I have had several co-workers and customers tell me how well of a job I have done being alone these last six weeks. Rather than saying "thank you" I brush it off-although I know I have done well. Many others would have cracked under the pressure, but I think I did fairly well considering June is one of our busiest months.
This is not something I'm particularly proud of and I know I need to work on. I'm going one step further and extending this challenge to you as well dear readers.

The next time someone pays you a compliment on your amazing screenplay, your adorable curly hair, rockin' figure, fantastic eye for photography, your amazing voice, or your all around awesomeness, don't' roll your eyes, don't deflect it, and don't worry about what you may or may not be labeled if you graciously accept it. Simply smile, say thank you very much, and take it for what it really is--something nice someone wanted to say to you in hopes it would make your day.

excited and scared

Last year I moved into my first place. About six months into my lease the honeymoon wore off and it has been an...um...interesting experience since. If it's not completely useless management who can't answer simple maintenance requests or noise complaints or it's my downstairs neighbor smoking in his bathroom with the vent on making HIS second hand smoke vent into MY bathroom and adjoining bedroom and getting mad at ME when I politely ask him not to anymore it's the super young twenty somethings that took over chain smoker's apartment four months ago. They think that apartment shaking bass and drunken parties complete with barf all over the sidewalk every weekend are super fun. Ironically enough they are considerate enough to adhere to the "quiet time" hours; it's just the rest of the time they are a thorn in my side. Needless to say I am not the least. bit. happy.

Couple that with my well-meaning mother and sister telling me I need to buy a house and what do you get? Someone who is willing to consider something she hadn't even fathomed, that's what.

In other words....

I'm looking to buy a house. A HOUSE. Like a free-standing building. That I will live in. And OWN.

This weekend I called the "awesome" realtor who helped Superman Lover find and buy his first place. Well not really. I mentioned what I was considering and that I needed help. He came to my rescue and volunteered to send said realtor an email. Said Realtor called and left me a message this morning I have yet to return--no I'm not procrastinating...ok, maybe I am. A little.

I have been in a constant state of panic/shock/excitement/worry/stress/anxiety/disbelief/surrealism since the decision was made. I am still convinced I am not grown-up OR rich enough to be making such a huge decision--I mean come on. The biggest thing I've bought to date is a car and that's nothing compared to a HOUSE. I didn't want to be a single homeowner, but I'm tired of waiting for other people (read=stupid yet completely loveable men who are/have dragging (ed) their feet in popping the question), so I'm gonna see if I can do it on my own now.

I'm not holding any high hopes for anything because I'm still in my lease for another seven months, I hadn't planned on looking until after I was married so I have ZERO money saved for anything home related, and I'm fairly sure I won't be able to get a mortgage for close to what I'm paying in rent now. My mother DID make the comment "what's the harm in looking? If you find something, great, if not it's just experience for when you DO buy a house." And although I don't typically like to waste people's time I have to think she's right--again.

In other words I'm' hoping for the best, planning for the worst, and keeping my expectations low. I'll let you know how it goes.

day thirty!

Woot! I made it! I agree with my friend Most Lucky Girl-I feel good knowing I did it, will miss blogging every day, but won't miss the pressure to blog every day, or the bizarre questions one bit.

I'm 24 hours away from a cut and color-and look like HUD-so you don't get a picture of me from today. Instead you get a half picture of me (but it's one of my favorites regardless) from about three months ago:

May the force be with you.

Three things I'm glad have happened to me:

1. Mr. Wonderful
2. The Gospel and the blessings it gives me.
3. Over all I've been blessed with a happy, full life. Good friends, good work, AWESOME family...   I've got it all.

excuses excuses

It's official. I have hit my wall. I am about as happy about that as most people are about getting a root canal.

I HATE going to the gym, but when I started going I went-albeit as hesitantly as possible-because I know it was a necessary evil. It also helped to know Mr. Wonderful was there and I would get an earful if I flaked.

I have now officially stopped caring, and it's NOT GOOD. I dread 4:00 because I know what it entails, and today Mr. Wonderful texted me to let me know we won't be crossing paths at the gym I start thinking of all the things I need to do before I head to St. George this weekend and that I've got a free pass NOT to go. Not to mention I'm still waiting for all these benefits promised to me to take effect. Little to no change at this pace enough to discourage even the most driven. Not to mention it is the #1 buzzkill/demotivator around.

I CAN NOT let myself fall into this mentality. I have done very well the last month and have gone at least three times a week. But I find myself rationalizing more and more lately to NOT go...Mr. Wonderful's text this afternoon didn't help much, either.

Ugh. I wish I was one of those people who LOVED going to the gym.

but alas, I am not. Peace out guys. I have an appointment with the gym...

day one

Man, I knew this wasn't the greatest idea. Only one day in and I'm already behind...oi. good thing I can change the dates! (he he he he)


Halloween circa 2010...yes there was a Mario.

Today...how do I talk about today? Today started out fine but I was in a WICKED bad mood. (Don't ask, I have no idea why-although I'm fairly sure it has something to do with the fact I am now 0-3--three down, 15 to go). Work was fine, albeit a little slow, then it was off to the gym.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE going to the gym? I do. Every day I think of excuses en route NOT to go I hate it that much. Good thing I have Mr. Wonderful to keep me honest because I have NEVER been one of those people who thinks pushing oneself to the limit and hurting like a mofo the next day is a grand time (sorry Riss). I'm like a little kid who won't eat vegetables. I need exercise hidden in something fun that doesn't feel like exercise, like mothers hiding cauliflower in the mac and cheese. Aside from my LOATHING of the gym I'm tired of feeling (and looking) like a blob, so I only do it out of necessity. I DO, however look forward to keeping my pace at 5.0 or higher for the entire 45 minutes. Because then I get Girl Scout cookies when I get home. And yes I am guilty of watching food shows on my personal tv and fantasizing I'm there while on the elliptical. It makes something I already hate a little more bearable.

After the gym it was off to Mr. Wonderful's for dinner and the season finale of "Being Human". Based off of a British show of the same name, it's my new favorite Mr. Wonderful show selection--since "Walking Dead" is over until this Halloween. I highly recommend it-but it is a cable show---not Premium cable mind you-but since it involves werewolves and vampires (REAL werewolves and vampires, not the brooding sparkly all over lame kind.) there's more blood than you can get away with on network television.

Mr. Wonderful then humored me with streaming "When in Rome" on Netflix. I'm a chick flick lova, but this one was lame. I would have been ticked if I had paid money to see it. Avoid it if  you can. After that it was home and bed.

And here's to the most boring day in existence.

One down, 29 to go.





crazy?

I have come to the conclusion I am in fact, insane. But why, you may ask?

Because I am the very epitome of this quote. After each failure (read=rejection) I still return, hopefully repeating the process- same as before. All the while being annoyingly optimistic in my hoping that THIS time will be different, THIS time I will be able to portray to others the fire that is in me, THIS time I won't have to remind myself I have to taste the bitter before I can know the sweet. THIS time I won't have to run into Mr. Wonderful's arms for comfort, but rather in celebration.

Insane because instead of saying "enough is enough" and stopping this ridiculous behavior I continue to try-hoping each time it will be different-when it's usually the same result. Yet I continue thinking that sometime something will have to give and I will no longer be the "rule", but rather the "exception".

Insane? I should think so, yet I still look forward to every new opportunity like a fool. Here's hoping tonight goes better than the last week...

the one where kristen turns 30...

It's times like this I wish I had photoshop--because I would SO cut and paste my pic in here...

Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids…
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant…
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!
Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!

There's no way to say this and not sound completely pathetic, so I'm just gonna say it.
Yeah...it took me turning thirty to be able to FULLY appreciate Rachel and her frustration/desperation here.
Only I wanted to be married-almost done having kids-maybe one or two more-by the time I was thirty. Yeah THAT'S not happening. Usually I'm ok with it--until times like this weekend and I REALLY think about it. THEN I hear an incessant "TICK TICK TICK" in the back of my brain and I realize my time is running out. Then panic mode sets in because I realize this one is COMPLETELY OUT OF MY HANDS.
Normally if I want something I just go out and get it. But this situation doesn't work that way. And it SUCKS. Plus it doesn't help any when my happily married with children friends get all smug and say crap like "don't worry, you'll get your turn." Yeah. That's REAL easy for you to say. You're already livin' the dream. Or the person who was married at 19 and a parent at 20 is trying to "relate" because they remember wondering and stressing if it was ever going to happen for them too. Gah! Word of wisdom my friends: If you've already got what the person wants or you yourself have not been down a damn near identical road don't say crap like that. EVER. All you'll get is a smack in the face.

After all this stressing marriage and motherhood better be all it's cracked up to be otherwise I'm gonna be PISSED.
Funny how life doesn't EVER work out the way you planned. Being single is HARD.
Ok, I've vented. I'm better now...kinda.

is it ever ok to settle?

Ok…just to warn you all-this may be a little bit of a downer. I’ll try to keep it upbeat, but considering the topic I’m not sure how upbeat I can make it.

Growing up all I ever heard from everyone was “don’t settle”. Don’t settle on a job that doesn’t make you happy, a lifestyle you don’t want, or a spouse who isn’t everything you envisioned.

Now that I’m older, I understand more how important it is to NOT settle, but is it ever ok? Don’t we all have things we imagined would turn out differently than they did? Although we’re happy we wonder if had we held out for the better school, the better job, or heaven forbid-the better spouse how much happier we would be? Or do we just grow up and realize life isn’t perfect and sometimes you take what you get?

As most of you know I’m in danger of being another workforce fatality-thanks again economy-and so I’ve been proactively looking for a new job. The longer my hunt drags on the more I’ve found myself thinking, “Well I guess I could take a $2.00 an hour pay cut. I know I’m already underpaid at my current job, but I really need a new one, so I’ll make the best of it.” Or: “I don’t feel too great about this line of work or the people I would be working with, but I guess it can be something I can learn to like.” Notice I said ‘like’ and not ‘love’. Does that worry you as much as that worries me? The fact that we-especially me-let ourselves make decisions out of fear, complacency, or our own feelings of inadequacy kinda scares me. Wait. Not kinda. It REALLY scares me. Even before all of this happened I have been unhappy in my work, but the thought of looking, selling myself to another company, and then starting over-at the bottom of a new totem pole-kept me where I was. Again I was settling.

It’s not just work where I’m seeing it. I dabble in the theatre arts, and although I know I will be rejected more often than not and that it’s not personal I still take it personally. Last night I found myself questioning whether or not to just settle for the ensemble roles because obviously these directors aren’t seeing in me what I see in me so maybe I should just quit putting myself out there to keep being rejected. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing it, or how thick you think your skin is, or how marvelously talented you KNOW you are, rejection still stings. Every time-JUST as much as the first time. I could settle and just go for the ensemble roles. I would be rejected a lot less, but I would be on stage knowing full well that that’s not where I should be. I am a leading lady. I know it, but I’m not getting the reinforcement so now I'm feeling it less and less.

When I was a teenager I had everything all planned out. I was going start dating right at sixteen, and I would never want for a boy to go out with me. It was going to be perfect. Then when I was older-you know, 22 or 23, I was going to meet and marry the perfect man. He would be swashbuckling and do whatever was necessary to make me happy-because my happiness would be all that mattered. We would have the perfect courtship, we would never fight; he would be my Prince Charming. We would have the perfect engagement, the perfect wedding, and after a couple of perfect years of marriage we would finally have our perfect children. Everything would be perfect and I would have my own Hollywood Fairytale ending. Then real life happened. Dating is HARD. I stayed home many a weekend and missed out on many a dance because I wasn't asked. I also went out with boys I didn't want to date because they asked me first and I couldn't be mean. Then I entered my twenties and learned personalities clash. Men are afraid of commitment, no matter how much they love you. My happiness isn't the only thing that matters. I turned 26 and STILL wasn’t married. Then I was 27, 28, 29, and still nothing. I’m now staring down the barrel of my 30^th birthday and I still don’t have it together. My life now is NOTHING how my sixteen year old self would have told you it would be. There have been periods in my dating life where I have said to myself, “This isn’t the happy I wanted, but its ok. At least I’m happy, right?” Although I can honestly say I have no regrets and there are only a few things I would do differently given the chance I still have found myself wondering from time to time “Am I settling? I’m happy, but it’s not the happy I thought I would have at sixteen. Should I try for that happy, or should I be realistic?” Is being ‘realistic’ just another way of settling?

Over all I am content with my life. Not completely satisfied-mostly because I’m still a work in progress, but I’m not completely discontent either. There are areas I could improve and make better, but I don’t. Whether it’s fear of my own failure, fear of change, I’m not ready, or the fact I just don’t know how to make it better so I let it be. I realize I am the only one who can make myself happy, but is being content and realistic the same thing as settling? Am I growing up and realizing life never turns out the way you planned? Or am I being a silly girl and over thinking things again? Have YOU ever felt like you were settling? And were you ok with it?