Tales of the Tiny Alien Episode 8 - Attack of the Meme!

Trouble was coming - E-Ticket Ride Trouble . . . . .

When we last left our Tiny Alien, he was following the Vision Quest, his way having been smoothed by the connections of the Oracle and the Alex from the Land of Tiny Doors. They had travelled to the Wildes of Brooklyn, and there instead of the ship he had expected, he found a Fake Pirate with a raft. He had been warned that there was Trouble, and he was expecting it. As our story continues, we find the Tiny Alien atop the Crows Nest, secure in all he surveys . . . . .

It occurred to the Tiny Alien, once he was safely ensconced in the tiny basket on top the the long pole, that everyone he had encountered so far seemed completely sure of things. The Old Man on the Dock seemed even more sure than the Oracle. The Oracle wasn't always sure, but on reflection he felt that this was more because of her proximity to the Alex. The Alex seemed very sure, but not terribly reassuring, especially with all those odd variations in the laws of physics. 

The Tiny Alien had a lot of time to think about things because he was on Watch, and as everyone knows the problem with being on Watch is that you are waiting for things to change, and they very seldom do. 

Things were in the process of not changing. So he waited, and while he waited he thought and while he thought, the Fake Pirate steered. Things continued not to change. The Tiny Alien then thought about the weaknesses of being on Watch, like waiting for things to stop looking like sky and sea. Then he thought about the fact that he was on a raft and all he could see was sky and sea, and while space was his regular bailiwick he was pretty sure that this was not the way rafts were supposed to travel. He confirmed this observation with the Fake Pirate.

"Oh you're quite right, this isn't the way normal rafts are supposed to travel at all, this is a Life Raft, pun intended I'm afraid." The poor little Fake Pirate looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Druids love puns, can't get enough of them I'm afraid. Convinced they are the highest form of humor. So um, yes this is a Life Raft and you're on a  Vision Quest and Oh dear, can we please just leave it there." The Parrot on the Fake Pirate's shoulder chuckled. 

"Is that a Fake Parrot, too?" asked the Tiny Alien politely.

"Oh no, he's a Real Parrot, and rather cynical at that. He does love the puns though."  

And the conversation continued that way for quite a while. Things still refused to change for quite some time and then the conversation stopped for a bit and the raft rocked back and forth attempting to lull the Tiny Alien into a false sense of security and have him go to sleep. 

And it would have worked too, except for the fact that Tiny Aliens didn't sleep having evolved out of it when a baby boom caused a surplus of Teenaged Tiny Aliens that outnumbered the Adult Tiny Aliens 5:1. After the Unlicensed Nuclear Accelerator Parties became all the rage Adult Tiny Aliens just never went to sleep again, and when that crop of Teenaged Tiny Aliens came of age, they all remembered the Trouble they got into and couldn't sleep because they knew there were still more generations of Teenaged Tiny Aliens to come and those Teenagers would be playing with Wormholes. Sleep was just not a valid survival mechanism when someone needed to Keep an Eye on Things.

So here he was was many millennia from the Baby Boom Evolution Events and far away from his Home Planet but still knowing that Sleep = A Nice Game of Global ThermoNuclear War, and thus he was not rocked into a soft dreaming sleep.  Which left boredom, and boredom led to puns. The puns thought of will not be recorded here, but you may use your own imagination and start out with all of the things that you could use a Life Raft for. 

And when the Tiny Alien ran out of puns, he thought of all of the great and not so great Doors he had knocked on and then he moved on to the Honorable Way of the Knocking, and the Assessment of the Doors. And finally he moved on to the ultimately complicated recitations of the Poe. Then his mind was blank and the Horizon still unchanged.

Then finally  . . . . BAM! Trouble!

The Trouble was Epic, The Battle ensued, there were strait swords, and curved swords and shurikans and wire work !!! 

There were ray gun blasts and gymnastics and Parrots throwing around one-liners! 

There was sweeping cinematography and impossible camera tricks and absolutely no computer effects whatsoever. Everyone was doing their own fighting and no insurance company would have covered this!

Then Finally the Tiny Alien and the Fake Pirate were able to see what was causing All the Trouble. It was a Ninja! The Battle ensued in earnest.

Through the cycling of the sun, and the turbulence of the storm, and the announcement of the Puns and the desperate calls of a director Somewhere, yelling "Cut, Cut I tell you - that wasn't in the scene!!! There's no insurance covering this!!"

And did that stop them? No, no it did not. So what pray tell did? 

During the Fight the Parrot landed on the Tiny Alien's shoulder and whispered in his ear, and the Tiny Alien thought about it for a Brief Second and agreed, using the Holographic Projector in his ray gun he summoned an image of a referee on the sail of the Life Raft and the Parrot whistled and the Tiny Alien called out "TIME OUT" and then all was still. 

That was at least partially because the Alien had also used the Time Out Ray and the Life Raft was also in the corner. No one was really sure what corner, since it was the Corner of Sea and Sky, but one thing was sure, no one was going anywhere until they said they were "Sorry".  (The Time Out Ray was how you disciplined Tiny Alien Toddlers, so it was a very powerful ray since it had to be able to override all the tiny training ray guns that Tiny Alien Toddlers had.) 

"What is all this about?" Demanded the Tiny Alien in his best Grown Up Voice.

"It is my honor, to take part in the greatest debate of all debates, and so I have come to test myself and my profession and continue in the Brahman of the Meme." said the Ninja, and he bowed low to the Fake Pirate. 

The Tiny Alien was confused, but the Parrot was laughing uproariously, "Silly Ninja, that's not the Real Pirate, that's just the Fake Pirate."

"And only for the weekend." added the Alien. 

"But isn't he a Fake Ninja?" asked the Fake Pirate. 

The Alien looked carefully, there were signs, but then carefully again he double checked his readings. "I believe he is a Real Ninja, but he is wearing Fake Pants!" 

"Well then, this doesn't really settle anything does it." Hurumphed the Parrot. 

"Honorable Parrot, most assuredly should you and I engage in either combat or reparte, I assure you that we should meet the most stringent interpretations of the Contest that so Honors the Brahman of the Meme, but we are truly here for the Atman of the Alien. So today there will be no resolution to Ninja vs Pirate, Fake or Otherwise"  All of his weapons suddenly were sheathed on his body. "Most Honorable Alien and seeker of the Way of the Treat, for seeing through the veils, I have now been empowered to let you know that the Band would like to meet with you. Having been found worthy I am now to escort you and these gentleman where you can use this Pass. When I take you to the door you will of course be required to give out the ritual phrase"

And in Unison they said the Phrase together, and all the heavens and seas did know that these four individuals really really meant it from the bottom of their sweet, ninja, pirate and alien hearts and the waters rippled with the perfection of the Joyous Call:

"Trick or Treat of Else!"

Who are the Band? Is the Tiny Alien nearing the end of his Vision Quest? Why does the Ninja remind him of the Alex? How does the Band know the Phrase? What is Brahma?

To find out what happens next join us for the next Episode of Tales of the Tiny Alien!

Tales of the Tiny Alien Episode 7- Beyond the Horizon

When we last left the Tiny Alien, he was finally in control of his goals. He had seen a Vision of a tiny bakset on top of a very tall pole, and he knew that he needed to be in that basket to get to where he needed to go. The Alex had hailed a cabbie named Crash to take him to the pirates, and the were soon underway to Sheepshead Bay.

"You do realize that here in New York most of the pirates are riding around on office chairs in cubicals with massive quantities of computer power?" inquired Crash.

The Tiny Alien was hardly taken aback by this news. He needed the type of pirate that buckled swash and complained about the lack of rum. He was quite glad to be sure of something for a change, since he had been rather disoriented since coming to the land of Tiny Doors. 

"I do not care about the kind of pirates that raid bank accounts, I need the kind that sail, and none of those cruise ship types either. I need the old fashioned, campy versions. And then I need to sail. " 

"OK, but you know that trans-dimensional trips can get a person motion sick. You should take some Dramamine" and Crash stepped on the gas. Now the Tiny Alien had never been to Sheepshead Bay, so he couldn't tell that anything was out of the ordinary. If you had been to Sheepshead Bay, you would have known that it looked pretty close to the original, and it smelled a lot like the original, but there was an odd Spider Robinson kind of vibe to the one that Crash took the Tiny Alien to. Of course if you've been to the real Sheepshead Bay, you'd also know that any of the things that tipped you off to the change would not have raised a single eyebrow if they had shown up at the real deal, because well, it is Brooklyn and it is a dock, and that's really just the way things are. (Except for Park Slope where they are trying too hard). 

The Tiny Alien noticed that he and Crash were a little small while they were speeding under the human sized cars and such down a long black ribbon with many vehicles called Kings Highway, but when they got to the Port of the Fisher King at Sheepshead Bay everything seemed to be just the right size, and Crash let the Tiny Alien off in front of the dock gate.

The Tiny Alien knew some sort of payment was involved, and tried to pay his way with the candy coins of his home planet, but Crash assured him that with the Vision Quest Service all payments that were due to him would show up in their own time. He did accept a roll of "Smarties" as a tip.

An Old Man waited at the end of the dock, looking the Tiny Alien up and down. The poor little traveller suddenly realized that he didn't know the appropriate greeting for Old Men At The End of Docks. He though about it and realized that perhaps it was the same as the appropriate form of address for off-duty witches. "Hail and well met- Please don't kill me in my sleep." he said, formally.

"I see, you're looking for the Ultimate Treat, and you've been affected by the Indies instead of the Indians for the whole Vision Quest Tour Package." the Old Man rummaged around in his bag that seemed to be full of something active. "Of course they're not really Indians are they, and Native Americans is wrong too, since no one's really native anywhere and there are over 280 recognized tribes most of whom hated each other's guts in various combinations. It would have been like the Israeli Knesset if they'd formed their own government, Indian Nation indeed! Except instead of 30 political parties you probably would have had to invent some new algorithms in order to get a majority government HA! The Mayans would have kicked everyone's butt if you had to form coalition government through math. That would have shown those Apaches . . . . found it, here you go kid." and with that the Old Man hand the Tiny Alien a stick with batteries and some sort of long thing with lights. The Old Man showed the Tiny Alien how to turn it on and make it rotate with a continuous wrist movement. The Tiny Alien concluded that he had made a proper greeting based on the enthusiasm of the OLd Man's Response.

The Tiny Alien made the horizontal bar spin and from random patterns the spinning created letters and words in glowing red dots. It read, "I know why the rum is always Gone".

"You'll have to spin this for a while, probably about eighteen minutes or so, because it's more elegant that way. But your ride will show up and you'll be able to continue on to the Trouble."

"Crash, the cabbie, did warn me that there might be Trouble." The Tiny Alien braced himself and looked steely eyed to warn the Trouble that he was prepared.

The Old Man found that pretty impressive, and they passed some time discussing the various types of Trouble that people on Quests of one sort or another usually got into. With time pleasantly passing, the Tiny Alien never saw the raft with the sharks head and the basket on the pole show up. The Old Man, however, did not miss a beat. 

"You're not the regular pirate."

"Oh no," remarked the rather sweet-faced pirate with the patch."I'm not the Real Pirate at all. I'm just the Fake Pirate and only for the weekend." He pulled expertly to the dock. "I hope that will be OK. Truth be told I really don't even like rum, so if we could pass on the formalities, I'll just be taking the passenger on his way."

The Old Man sniffed the air around his head. "Well you smell legit, so I suppose that's what you are. Off with you, " He patted the Tiny Alien on the back, and whispered into where his ear might be if he had one. "Be careful, he smells of E-Ticket ride, there's Trouble ahead for sure." and he lowered the rope ladder from the dock down to the sailing raft. 

The Fake Pirate showed him around and invited him to climb up to the basket called a "Crow's Nest" for the ride if he liked. The Tiny Alien settled in, ray gun at the ready for the next part of his adventure. As they pulled away from the dock, he could hear the Old Man singing a familiar tune.

"You can't see which way you're going

 Or Which way that Time is flowing . . . ."

What is the Trouble Ahead? Stay tuned and find out in the Next Episode of Tales of the Tiny Alien!