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Saturday, December 3, 2005
Giblets won't deny it: being the Pope is a lot of fun. Running over cardinals in the Popemobile, infallibly declaring myself fallible and making God's brain explode - but there is a lot of serious work as well... serious work like regulating the variety of nonexistent sex suitable for priests. Which is why Giblets has released his new decree on gayness and the priesthood, On The Badness of Being Icky.
From this day forth, GAYS ARE BANNED! Unlike pedophiles who can be cured with a simple transfer to another diocese, gays are gay forever - and cannot be trusted to keep from their immoral, hot-blooded, man-on-man ways! Even celibate gay priests cannot be trusted to keep their icky aura of gayness from contaminating the purity and straightliness of the Church. Are we to allow gay priests to transmogrify wafers into Jesus? Each of those wafers is like a tiny newborn baby Jesus, and Giblets doesn't have to tell you how impressionable babies are! Exposure to gayness at birth could gay them up forever, and then we have dozens of Gay Jesus crackers being dispensed to helpless parishioners! What happens if a gay priest prays to God and God fails to intercept their gay prayers in time? Then we got a buncha gay prayers floating around inside God's brain! There's no telling how much that could screw him up. He could end up growing gay grass, or creating gay physics, or gaytelligent design! Future man could one day evolve into higher energy beings prone to effeminate mannerisms and an overenthusiastic appreciation of the films of Judy Garland! That's just not natural. "Oh but Pope Giblets" you say bowing at the foot of Giblets's gold-plated Popemobile, "many animals in the wild are also gay, how can it be unnatural." Fool! Throw him to the pontifical lions! But you make a good point. Nature is very unnatural. Monkeys masturbating, she-dolphin on she-dolphin sex - how selfish and narcissistic of God's creation to defy the order and beauty of God's creation! And that is why ANIMALS ARE ALSO BANNED! From this day forth, the creatures of nature are forever barred from serving in God's one true church. That means you, Father Manimal! "But Pope Giblets, what about the Holy Spirit, doesn't it sometimes appear in the form of a dove," you say. Yes very true, the Holy Spirit has always been the suspiciously fruity one, which is why THE HOLY SPIRIT IS BANNED! Pope Giblets isn't going to put up with a third of the trinity turning up in a rainbow shirt at some Castro Street pride parade - that's just not the God Giblets raised. God will be a two-piece set from now on, like Laurel and Hardy or the White Stripes. But gay priests and perverted penguins are only the tip of the iceberg! Recent top secret Vatican research has revealed to Giblets that all priests come with penises. Working ones! That can do stuff! What was God thinking! Even as we speak millions of priestly testes are producing billions of vile, unholy sperm. There's no way Giblets can trust these people not to succumb to the power of their infernal bodily fluids and so ALL MEN ARE BANNED! And this should really go without saying but WOMEN ARE TOTALLY BANNED! In fact they are double-banned - if women are to come to church, from now on it has to be in a protective plastic man costume. Of course all of this raises the question: whose idea was it to befoul the sacred order of God with all this sex and gayness in the first place? The answer: God! GOD IS DEMOTED, PENDING THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING BANNED! A full pontifical investigation of this God/gonad connection will commence immediately. In the meantime God is downgraded to Tertiary Mary status. Saint Rollo the Inert will become Acting God and will report to Giblets for further instructions on Monday. Until then Pope Giblets will pontifically judge the world of potentially suggestive inanimate objects. Bananas, melons, and non-puffy clouds - you have had your final warning! Labels: popery, the rainbow peril
posted by Giblets at 3:59 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Welcome! Gibletus domini, Gibletus sancti, e pluribus Giblum. Genuflect for Giblets! Genuflect for Giblets NOOOOOOW!
In the days following Giblets’s glorious conquest of popedom many have wailed in ceaseless abject horror. Your agony is pleasing to Giblets, and makes him stronger with every bitter teardrop! Behold Giblets’s first almighty papal decrees! Decree the First! THE POPE NAME: Many publications both in print and on the internet have misrepresented Giblets’s pope name. For the record: Giblets is now Pope Supremicus Magnifium Increate the Worldstomping. Abbreviation of the pope name will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration. Decree the Second! SAINTS: There are too damn many of them, and most of ‘em are pretty lame. I mean, Saint Gerulph? John of the Grating? Terence of Metz? These are crap saints! All saints are now fired and will have to give up their posh saint pads for the suck regions of Heaven, such as the Smellosphere and the Encrusteryean. Giblets is replacing them with some real saints! First up for canonization: Saint Pius XII for his devotion to faith and his strengthening of the Church, Saint Atilla of Hun for his rigorous defense of Church doctrine and respect for the unborn, and Saint Conan of Barbaria for his dedication to the culture of life and for that kick-ass way he lopped off James Earl Jones’s head. Failure to recognize new saints will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration. Decree the Third! WOMEN: The role of women in the church must be settled at once: from this day forth are allowed inside within a fifty-foot radius of a church to receive Jesus in his cracker form, which will be fired at them from the rooftops via the Breadgun. Approach at your own risk. Any women intending to come closer should do so sealed up and wheeled around in convenient carts to prevent the infection of God with cooties. The faithful may pick up their carts at the local diocese. Those who do not will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration. Decree the Fourth! PEACE, LOVE, ETC.: A new age of peace, love, brotherhood, and respect for human life is declared, and all are to love one another as they blah blah blah. Observance is optional. There is still much to be done before the rest of the heathen world accepts Giblets’s unyielding popeness, as they have been corrupted by the evils of relativism. Giblets therefore declares the formation of a new pope army, Opus Gibletae, which will seek out and destroy relativism wherever it may hide! We will start with Giblets’s next door neighbor, whose dog has been pooping on the Vatican lawn for several weeks now in what can only be clear defiance of any concept of objective truth. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 9:22 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
So soon, victory! Giblets will be emerging momentarily with Pope Hat triumphant! It is a long and sordid tale; suffice it to say it involves battling Ratzinger over a pit of lava with scimitars until he escaped in the form of a winged serpent.
More news to come. Oh, and all of you are now damned.  UPDATE: So, how does Giblets look? The skin doen't fit Giblets that well - it kind of droops, and I'm standing on top of two dwarves and a monkey just to reach the point where I can operate the head properly.Vatican tidbit: the sash Giblets is wearing allows me to travel into the ninth pit of hell unscathed to extract the pure essence of the Godbread from Lucifer's still-living brain, but only when dipped in pure childblood. Interesting stuff. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 12:39 PM
Monday, April 18, 2005
There have been four votes so far and none have elected Giblets! How is this possible? Why is there even voting here at all! There is no democracy in Gibletism – there is only the power of Giblets and those who must yield before its mightiness! But apparently there are these other cardinals out there Giblets has to deal with.
Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga – A liar and the father of lies! He came up to Giblets with a slip of paper, telling me it was a vote for “who wants ice cream.” Well it was pretty stuffy in there, and Giblets is always up for ice cream, so Giblets marked it down. Only it was not a vote for ice cream at all… it was a vote for Maradiaga! Giblets has been cheated! Revenge is a dish best served cold, Maradiaga… it is very cold in ice cream… Dionigi Tettamanzi – Fat and slow-moving like the hated sea cow, he is easily driven off with a few dull whacks to the snout. No threat to Giblets! Joseph Ratzinger – Giblets’s greatest challenge and most worthy opponent! In addition to the loyal block of vampire votes he controls with his undead powers, Ratzinger still wields the deadly Spear of Destiny he recovered in World War II. He will not yield to Giblets easily – which will make it all the sweeter when Giblets crushes him and seizes his Nazi gold! Nnn’ga 7 – The Martian cardinal, who only uses his superior technology and telepathic superbrain for the spreading of peace and enlightenment between all creatures. A hopeless weakling! Giblets spent an hour just knockin' 'im over while he was walkin’ back and forth carrying a big stack of Bibles; all the princes of the church pointed and laughed! That easily picked me up an extra twenty votes. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 6:22 PM
The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope! - for the next Pope will be no feebly whiny old popey Pope. It will be the ultimate Pope, the supreme and most glorious Overpope! It will be Giblets the First: the first and only Gibpope.
"Oh but Giblets the Pope is not picked by Giblets he is picked by all the mini-popes at the Vatican." Insolent fools! Giblets has already infiltrated the conclave of cardinals using his clever Cardinal Francis Arinze costume - Giblets always knew it would come in handy some day! - and will soon seize control of the papacy through sheer Gibletsian will! Giblets's first order of business as pope will be to clear out this old cardinal smell that's all over the Vatican. First thing next week we throw all cardinals to the slavering jackals! Also we need to restaff the jackal pits. Our current jackals are mangy and old and ill-suited to represent the glory of Giblets's church on earth, and clearly the reason why it has lost so much ground to secularism. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 8:41 AM
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
"You lied to Giblets!" says Giblets. "You said they were just takin the Pope out to the country to live on a nice farm!"
"Don't think of the Pope as bein dead, Giblets," says me. "Think of him as a flower, or a butterfly, or a mime doin a really convincin impersonation of a dead pope." "Where will Giblets be without his Pope?" says Giblets. "Whose pope hat will I steal? Whose Vatican will I deface? This morning Giblets hijacked the popemobile for ol times sake - and it filled my soul with nought but empty dross!" "Hey I know what'll cheer you up," says me. "How bout we play a game! A game called Talkin Bout Somethin That's Not The Pope." "sniff. Okay," says Giblets. "So, today I was at the zoo, see," says me. "An they had all these fish." "Fish like the Pope used to have!" says Giblets. "Oh, how Giblets misses his Pope!" "The Pope didn't have any fish," says me. "Sure he did," says Giblets. "He had the Holy Mackerel and the Monkey Eel of St. Peter. They will be destroyed upon his successor's election." "That's a terrible thing to do to good fish," says me. "It is all part of the mysterious cycle of Popes," says Giblets. "I'll tell you what Giblets," says me. "We'll go down to the conclave tomorrow an pick you up a brand new Pope an you'll like him even better." "Giblets doesn't wanna new Pope!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants his old Pope!" "You should give the new Pope a chance Giblets," says me. "You can still do everything with the new Pope you did with the old one: fight him, make death threats. You can even start up a new Pope Death Watch!" "Hey, you're right!" says Giblets. "The Pope before the last Pope kicked the bucket in a little over a month! This next one might only take a week!" "See, there's the spirit!" says me. "I'd better get started right away!" says Giblets. "This new Pope isn't slippin past Giblets! When mortality finally squeezes the last dregs of life from his limp and doddering veins, Giblets will be there to seize the Supreme Popepower for himself! And then Giblets will be unstoppable!" "There you go!" says me. "Giblets feels better already!" says Giblets. "To the papabile! Giblets has the fat and decrepit to taunt!" And we are once again filled with the purpose of the spirit.
posted by fafnir at 8:12 AM
Friday, April 1, 2005
So me and Fafnir are at the Vatican visiting the Pope - visiting in triumph, for the Pope is nearly finished, and with him Giblets's ages-long anti-Pope rivalry!
"He looks so serene," says Fafnir. Yes they are all serene in the end - it is part of the life cycle of Popes. But this too will pass, and then the chrysalis stage, and then the locusts. And then where will you be, Pope? Then where will you be! "Then he will ascend into the stars, into Popevalla," says Fafnir. "Where the honored Popes go who die in battle." Impossible! The Pope has not slain nearly enough orcs. No, the Pope is like all holy men, kings, and insectivores - dishonored by enmity with Giblets! Oh, there were glory days to be sure, back when me and the Pope fought atop the volcano, or the time we teamed up to stop the Martians. Heh, Giblets remembers this one time me and the Pope got totally wasted and turned everything in the house into the body of Christ. That was awesome! Or the time Giblets got him to venerate Pius XII as a practical joke. Good times, Pope. Good times. Aw man. Giblets is gonna miss the Pope. Don't go, Pope! Don't go! Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 12:42 PM
Saturday, March 26, 2005
So the Pope couldn't make it out to Good Friday yesterday. He is described as "ailing" and "frail" but "still lucid." At last the Pope's one true weakness is revealed: weakness!
Your powers are weak, old man! Enfeebled by age, the Pope can no longer summon the sheer force of will needed to mind-control the Catholic Church or bring Ritual Jesus back from the dead every Easter. But Giblets can... and Giblets will, when he becomes the next Pope! Oh, you'll hear plenty of arguments for replacing this Pope with just another dumb ol' regular Pope, or a super-efficient Robopope, or the unearthly tidal pull of the Moon Pope. All lies and dross! Only Giblets can complete the circle. Only Giblets can drag mankind to salvation as Pope Giblets the First! Behold the new Gibletsian papacy! On Church and State: The Catholic Church has gotten way too loose about this lately. Pope Giblets will make the delineation perfectly clear: God owns your Church AND your State, and Pope Giblets controls God with his super-God-control Pope hat! Pope Giblets will make this clear on his first official Holy Pantsing of the President. On Wars: The Pope hasn't declared a decent holy war in ages. What fun is that! Giblets will declare two a year every year to make up for lost time. Let the holy blood flow in rivers! First up: Denmark. Their deliciously buttery cookies are an offense to Jesus. On Hats: The old Pope is too old to wear the sacred Pope hat: it is too mighty and would crush his feeble brain. What is the use of a Pope-hatless Pope! None, that is what. Giblets will wear the Pope hat everywhere: to breakfast, to pants the President, to the ensquashification of Denmark. Giblets will totally work that Pope hat. Some will call Giblets a "controversial choice" what with his radical views and his not being Catholic. But Giblets will eat those people and add them to his own considerable power. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 3:21 PM
Friday, February 25, 2005
"Nothing can kill me!" says the Pope standing high atop Vatican Tower. He is wrestling giant apes and fire-breathing lizards. He hurls Fay Wray at a swarm of useless biplanes as lightning bounces off his tiara and throws fire down upon the empires of men! He lustfully grabs fistfuls of grapes from the scurrying limbs of terrified slavegirls, throws back his wild shock of papal hair and laughs – laughs! – a laugh that could bring scorn to the very gods themselves!
"I am indestructible!" says the Pope. "There is no force on earth, nothing conceived of in the spheres of heaven or the pits of hell, that can defeat the mighty Pope!" Damn you Pope! Some day you will go too far, and Giblets will be waiting – waiting to lay down his vengeance upon you! Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:11 AM
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
Giblets is hereby reviving what is by far this blog's most popular recurring series: the Pope Death Watch!
Oh sure, the Pope may be recovering from his recent illness, but it can't be long now before he kicks the papal bucket, and then Giblets will have his revenge! Even now there are signs of weakness. Just a couple days ago he lost a fight to an angry dove. In the old days the Pope used to just vaporize symbols of peace with his laser-powered Pope-vision! Giblets detects vulnerability... and with vulnerability comes opportunity! Cardinal Giblets... Pope Giblets... God Giblets the First! Soon, Pope! Very soon! Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:08 AM
Thursday, November 4, 2004
Well it looks like those of you who put down Yasser Arafat might get lucky this year. That goes double for anyone who put down "any remaining stability or sanity in Israel/Palestine."
Giblets always puts down the Pope, but it looks like the old man is still clinging to life with the tenacity of a gila monster. The Pope keeps chuggin' along, spittin' out saints and blessing everything from breakdancing to masturbation. And still no sainthood for Giblets! A pox on you Pope! A pox on you! And to anybody who had Osama bin Laden on your list: SUCKERS! Better luck next election cycle. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 12:41 PM
Monday, October 4, 2004
Stupid old pope! He's sainting stupid ol' dead people left and right and there is still no sainthood for Giblets, saintliest of all known earthly beings? Behold Giblets! He is positively resplendent with goodness! Mother Theresa was a filthy whore! Gandhi was a rat bastard! The Dali Lama runs a sweatshop filled with babies where he forces the babies to make baby-eating utensils for rich cannibal babies which he then uses to eat his own babies!
But Giblets is good and kind and does not hate children! All the time! And he has already performed like six miracles many of which involve healing or blowing up monsters which were about to eat virgins! Now how much cooler a saint can you get than that? Answer you cannot so saint me Giblets saint me now now now! The Pope of course is just rubbing it in now by beatifying Karl I of Austira-Hungary and Anne Catherine Emmerich. So what's the big deal, Pope? Has Giblets not gassed enough Frenchmen or had enough crazy anti-semitic Passion-based hallucinations? "In spiritus lepus," says the Pope. "Corpus pluribus domini." Stupid Pope with your stupid Pope-talk! Why can't you speak normal-talk! "You don't wanna mess with the Pope Giblets," says Fafnir. "He might try to shoot you with his deadly Pope beam." "Nuts to his Pope beam!" says Giblets. "At this rate by the time Giblets get sainted all the good saint-spots will be full! Giblets will be way in the back of heaven with Saint Anslo, Patron Saint of Smelling!" Man, it's like you've got to wait forever on one of these things! Stupid old Pope! Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 9:44 PM
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Speaking of the Pope, it is time for another edition of POPE DEATH WATCH.
Today is the Pope's birthday and he is 84 years old and he is publishing a new autobiography that will answer all kinds of interesting questions about the Pope like "oh wow Pope what's your faaaavorite color" and "what was it like opposing communism Pope?" and "ohhhh wow I wonder what a new Pope autobiography would look like!" But the one question it will not answer is when will you die, Pope? When will you die? Giblets was told last year that the Pope was in imminent danger death. Imminent! I was promised a brand new Pope with shiny gleaming cyborg powers. But instead I have the same! Old! Pope! It is true Giblets is not Catholic and so this does not effect him much. But I have been in Catholic churches and I have a couple boxes of those wafers in my house somewhere (they are very dry and stale and Jesusy, I do not recommend them). The BBC says the Pope displays a "renewed vigour," which is British for "renewed vigor." Damn you BBC! Damn you all, Giblets wants a new Pope, a better Pope, a Space Pope! Come back when you have found a liver cyst or syphilis or something. Giblets is tired. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 1:34 PM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:33 AM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Giblets does not apologize for his brilliant edict that the Pope should die to make things more interesting for Giblets! In fact Giblets now decrees a new Gibletsian feature, the Pope Death Watch, wherein we will continue to look for signs of aging frailty in the Pope. Is he getting older? Sicker? Is that a new liver spot? Who knows? Giblets will keep you informed with the Pope Death Watch! Giblets bows to no one!
Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:32 PM
Things like this really cheese me off. They upset Giblets. They raise his ire. They do not please Giblets. In case you are too lazy too click on the link - and you know you are, you are lazy people, which is why you are on the internet, isn't it - here is the picture, blogged by Giblets:
 Look at it. There you go. Take it in. The Pope and Dick Cheney. And the Pope is not dead yet. Giblets was told many many times that the Pope was near death by excited reporters who went on to talk about all the different popes who would replace this old Pope. Would it be a black Pope? An hispanic Pope? A cyborg Pope? Giblets has been hoping for, if not Pope Giblets, a Moonish Pope, as the Church of the Moon has long been slighted by the Vatican and is viciously, viciously angry. Giblets can only imagine the Moonish Pope's first act would be to unleash atomic-powered Moon Dogs upon the populace in a grand scouring. That is some old-time religion Giblets can appreciate. But instead it is the SAME OLD POPE, day in and day out! Not even an aneurysm or a mild stroke! And he has been Pope forever, or years, even! You'd almost think he had some kinda God on his side. Well Giblets for one is tired of it! Bring on the new Pope, with a new cool set of Pope stuff! Giblets is calling for some serious Pope Death starting here and now and if you love Giblets - and you must because Giblets has ordered it many many times - you will too! For emailing the Pope in this regard, try: john_paul_ii@vatican.va. Oh, and be polite, he is after all the Pope. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 4:59 PM
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