Day 286: Relationships – Why this Desire will be the end of you.

 

I  know the title may sound a tad bit dramatic, but so is life so sit back and relax and continue reading – you just might learn something. We all have this – the desire to be with someone. It becomes more prominent in our teenage years where most of that time is spent on chasing or finding “ THE ONE”. I know I had my fair share of chasing and trying to find somebody to love. It’s a dangerous thing really – Desire - and I’ll show you why.

Desire is something that will completely direct and control your life. Desire is such a feel good feeling that we simply give into without much fight. Desire is something that will override any common sense or particular principles you live by – you simply forget all of that and follow the desire no matter where the road ends. That is what makes Desire so dangerous – you lose direction in your life by giving in to desire.

I’m sure many of us had those moments – where the point of desire stares you right in the face and all you have to do is give in, lean in and grab it – no matter the consequences. And at that moment all common sense fades away and it just feels right.

For me it was a girl, a long time ago. You know the story: Boy meets girl, they become best friends, after time they become more. The only twist was that the girl had a boyfriend. Now I am what you would call a nice guy. I always saw myself as a person who would not date a girl who already has a boyfriend, but my desire showed me otherwise. I remember what went through my head – what made me do it. This desire for relationships simply took over any reasoning or common sense or morals or principles I lived by – I simply said F**k that and gave in. And so began a secret behind the scenes relationship rooted from desire.

So that’s a simple example of Desire. The problem with Desire and what makes it so dangerous is that it’s something we really really want. We do not want to look at it objectively and let it go when we know it will not benefit our lives or who we are. Instead we want to chase that desire, that feel good feeling. When it comes to the desire for relationships – we meet someone and we really want to make it work – simply because we desire having a relationship. What most do not see here is that it’s not the other person they actually like, but it’s the idea of having a relationship that they are after. So in the end it has very little to do with the actual person you found, but rather its all about having the desire of relationship fulfilled.

And that is no way of actually living – chasing this desire or idea of relationship. Would it not be better if it was real? Curing aloneness is not by being with somebody else. Chasing relationships is not the answer to filling the emptiness you feel. The first step is getting to know yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, and caring for yourself and loving yourself.

A real relationship has nothing to do with fulfillment or desire – it’s taking responsibility for another being and supporting them to be the best they can be. Now, what does that mean exactly? Let us see the answer in the next blog

Part 2: The Great Gifts ( and Downfalls) Of being an Introvert - Sinking Relationships

 

This is a continuation of my previous blog, read here for context: 

 The great Gifts ( And Downfalls) Of Being an Introvert - Is Change possible?

 

Today I am look at two points which is being an observer and disliking small talk which are common traits with Introverts. There is nothing wrong with this, and both aspects have great benefits, but also comes with problems especially in relationships:

Observer and Disliking Small Talk

In the Social Setting:

The cool things about being an observer is it give you a chance to look at people and general human behavior as well as some insights. This makes you a good listener and the ability to give good advice with peoples problems. I take my time to respond; because I look at the words I speak instead of just saying whatever comes to mind. This has the benefit of not having verbal diarrhea.

The problem with this is that you do not actually participate. For me I have found it hard to communicate in a group setting.  It’s fine if I was with friends, but in a group I would mostly watch than actually speak. The reason why I found it difficult was because I never really developed the skill for myself. I remember I had resistance towards speaking in a group setting and that was based on fear of ridicule, or being misunderstood or saying something that might offend someone. And because I never pushed past this resistance and fear I never gave myself the opportunity to expand my skills and instead developed the “ silent type” personality.

When I was younger I mumbled allot and people would generally ask me to repeat myself, because I did not form words carefully. This irritated me so much when I say something and people go “excuse me?”. So what I have done is taught myself to form my words properly to make sure people can actually hear what I am saying.

And so started a process of “correcting” this behavior of myself to teach myself how to communicate effectively in a group setting, because sometimes I do want to say something, but fear that I won’t be able to convey what I want to say effectively or take too long to find the right words and have people stare at me wondering why I suddenly went quite. This has become better for me, where I push through the resistance and fear and do not let it direct me – where I direct myself and say what I wanted to say, but sometimes I still allow the fear so it’s a work in progress.

In relationships:

In a relationship being an observer is a problem, because you want to actually participate in the relationship. If you keep on being an observer that ship will sink soon, because the one thing that makes relationships work is effective communication.

The big thing that has always been difficult for me was to express myself with words, I could never find the right words and every time I try to explain it doesn’t really come out right. This made me reluctant to say exactly how I feel, because I created the belief and idea that I suck at expressing myself and will never be good at it. The only reason I am not good at it is because I did not practice it enough – in the past I tended to give up instead of pushing through and practice to get better at expressing myself. This is also partly why I became a musician – because I could express myself through writing music.

I’m lucky to have a person who pushes me with this point to develop communication skills. You cannot have a lasting relationship without actually participating and expressing and communicating so that is why it is important to develop these skills. Stop the fear and the beliefs you created about yourself and push through the resistance in order to develop effective communication skills. To those who belief that change is not possible – it is possible. I myself have come a long way from that person who mumbled. It is still a work in progress, but I have indeed changed.

Next blog will be about the aspects of Being alone and avoiding conflict and how to support yourself within that.

Day 80 - Expectations And Heated Arguments

 

Today I presented an idea I had - i was expecting a good response from the idea, but instead i got a negative response which made me angry and resulted in an argument

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of a good response on the idea that i presented

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I got an opposite response to what I was expecting

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get consumed by this anger and to become directed by it and started to argue about the point

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to out of my expectation to defend my idea to force a good response from the other person

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations in my life based on my ideas and  beliefs - not realizing that the mind creates expectations and that the physical does not work out the same as I expect it to

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep on defending and justifying my idea and try to CONvince the other person that they are wrong an that i am right

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in this point of wanting to be right and defensive to try and make myself as knowing better that the other person and make them to be inferior to my knowledge of the point as to invalidate them so that i can win

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that i am being directed by emotions and that my words and actions in this possessive state is not my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea because I fear it being a stupid idea and being ridiculed - and to keep this fear at bay I go through all this trouble above - instead of realizing that i am not being self directed if I allow fear to  direct me

I commit myself to stop all expectations 

I commit myself to stop being directed by the anger - but to stop it instead so that I can be self directed

I commit myself to not become angry when something happens that i did not consider - and when i get angry I stop the anger before speaking another word - because then it is not me

I commit myself to stop trying to defend my ideas, but to rather explain the idea more effectively  and if it is not practical or doable to then simply let it go

I commit myself to stop trying to convince others that i am right - and to stop trying and invalidate the other person and bring them down and make them inferior just so that I can be right  - if I am absolutely right then there will be no need to convince the other person

I commit myself to stop the fear of having a stupid idea and being ridiculed - but to instead see it as an opportunity  to expand myself and become more effective when i get feedback from others  - without feedback i will not be able to become more effective in what i do

I am the Creator – cannot Blame Another

A point that I have come to realize is the meaning of self responsibility.

When I started with Desteni I always thought things were happening TO me. That It was something else making me feel depressed or angry. I always held the other person responsible for either hurting me or making me feel a certain way.

I started to see that I am the one feeling the emotion, I created it. People do not poses the power to induce a emotion in me, it a act I am doing alone. A phrase that stood out for me was in a book that Bernard Wrote called ‘‘have a virus-free mind’’ and it said something
like

Nobody can do anything to you unless you allow it.

That is common sense, yet I didn’t see this before. I based my life on the idea that stuff was happening to me – when in fact I am responsible for me and all that goes on inside of me, I can’t blame another for what I have created.

For example I broke up a relationship a while ago and there was that sense of loss that goes with most break ups. Because the other person made me feel good, accepted me for who I was and made me feel special and wanted.

Now with that person gone all these things go with it. Now, I am responsible for what I feel and it has NOTHING to do with the other person. What I saw was that I craved for acceptance, because I didn’t accept myself. I wanted love because I could give it to myself. But I created those feelings and emotions. It’s like shooting yourself in the foot and blaming the ammo manufacturer – You loaded the gun and pulled the trigger.

So through the Desteni I process I came to realize this point in terms of self-responsibility and how blaming others for what I feel is ridiculous.

Desteni I Process solves all your problems

• Why do you always make the same mistakes and just cant seem to stop falling in the same patterns?

• No matter how hard you try you cant get over somebody.

• Why are you always attracted to the same kind of person?

• Why are you angry\sad\frustrated\ all the time?

• Why is it so dam hard to express what you really feel?

• Why do you give up easily?

• Why worry about money if you don't have to?

What will surprise you is that you can find the answers to these questions and allot more about yourself in yourself.
Here is how: www.desteniiprocess.com