Top Ten Other Things Andrew Scheer Didn't Lie About, But Was Never Asked

"I've never tried to hide that (I am a dual US-Canadian citizen)," he said in a scrum with reporters in Halifax. "I've never been asked about it by Canadians. My father has always been open about where he comes from. I haven't been asked about it."--Andrew Scheer

10. Being a vampire.
9. Didn't wear underwear as House Speaker. Not even once!
8. Still waiting for that peach fuzz to break out into an actual beard.
7. Has promised Faith Goldy's firstborn to a little man known for spinning straw into gold, who also came up with enough last minute votes to magically give him the CPC leadership!
6. Underwent conversion therapy to seem human-like to Earthlings.
5. Likes to do his toenails with manly black polish - just like Gene Simmons!
4. Forever pestering buddy Jim Vallance to jam out a song he wrote called Summer of 2003
3. As Prime Minister, plans to create a ministry of Reminding Folks he was Down With Brexit Before It Was Cool.
2. Likes to call various world leaders out of the blue to request they investigate Donald Trump's political rivals, offering saskatoon berry jam for the favour.

And the Number One Other Thing Andrew Scheer Didn't Lie About, But Was Never Asked:

1. Has been secretly meeting with Jason Kenney for years in a totally normal and extremely heterosexual way, just to chit-chat and play rock, paper, scissors, okay?! Jeesh, you guys!!

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Amazing CHé

Amazing CHé
How sweet the sound
Of Habs fans leaving their seats

In the K, he was lost
But with the CH, was found
We give praise to Bergevin

'Twas Captain K that taught
The PP to click
Leko and BBQ, my fears relieved
How precious did that CHé appear
The OT I first believed

Through many Rangers, and Arrogant Fuckface
Our boys have already come
'Tis TFS that brought us play-offs thus far
And CJv2 will lead us CHome

Lord Stanley has promised a Cup to the team
That 16 playoff wins secures
It will the CH goal and passion be
As long as the game endures

When we've been there in 24 other years
Parades shining in the June sun
We've measured days left to ride TFS's saves
Boys, now, let's get it done

Amazing Shea
How sweet the sound
Of Rags getting soundly checked
For PFK, we had love
But now, BBQ and CHé
And the return of SuperPleXXX

If Y(emelin) Should Fall From Grace with Claude (apologies to the Pogues)

If Y Should Fall from Grace with Claude
After being cleanly beaten
If Y’s muscled off the puck
And his passes fail completely

Let him sit Claude, let him sit Claude
Let Y sit up with the press where the hotdogs come with fries

This Cup was always ours 
Was the pride of Montrealers
It belongs to the Habs
Not to any of Buttman’s fuckers
It’s coming back here boys, coming back here boys!
Dump the Buttman in the south where the hockey fans run dry

Keep GCHuck at C
Let those Forum ghosts direct him
If he shoots from open ice
KidA or LB will deflect them
Into the goal boys, into the goal boys!
Win this town a twenty-fifth Cup
Where the Frenchmen used to fly

If Y Should Fall from Grace with Claude
After being cleanly beaten
Harley’s raring to go
And he passes pretty cleanly

Let him sit Claude, let him sit Claude
Let Y sit up with the press where the hotdogs come with fries


POGUE MAHONE!!!

GYFHG

Winter's Coming (apologies to Arcade Fire and their Neighbourhoods #1 (Tunnels)

And if the snow buries my CH neighbourhood
And if Che is flying
Then he'll saucer a pass
From his stick blade to PatCHes
Yeah, a pass, from his stick blade to PatCHes

KidA has climbed out of the cellar
And skated up the middle
The middle of the ice
And since there's no one but the goalie around
He'll stay in the blue paint long
And forget how how he used to blow
And then his skin gets thicker
From spraying that goalie with snow

You changed all the lead
In that rebuilt hand
As the puck comes in
KidA shovels it right in

Then Julien tried to fix our PK
Cuz Price had forgotten the way to
The way to shut teams down
But somehow, TFS remembered his goalposts
And how to cover his five-hole
And his catlike trapper hand
Then, the D remembered how to skate strong
And how to cover the man

MB changed all the smurfs
Getting knocked around
As the trades came in

King and Thor came thundering

Purify the CHolours, beef up the 4th line
Purify the CHolours, put scorers in the top two lines
And spread the ashes of Arrogant Fuckface
Over this CHeart of mine!

GOHABSGO

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Stand Down Therrien (apologies to the English Beat)

I said I see no goals

I see only losses

I see no chance of a play-off tomorrow

So stand down eMTy

Stand down please

Stand down Therrien

I say stand down eMTy

Stand down please

Stand Therrien

You tell me how can it work

With this “process” of yours

All these chip-ins aren’t working,

We want a third goal scored

Stand down eMTy

Stand down please

Stand down Therrien

I sometimes wonder

If I'll ever get to say

Come with me my children

To the Stanley Cup parade

Our hopes seem desperate in your dump and chase plans

Would you give a second thought

Would you ever change the process, I doubt it

Stand down eMTy

Score!

Everybody shout it

Stand down eMTy!

DDD, cut his power play time

More gCHuck at Centre

We score

Score, score, score, score, score

Score, score, score, score, score

Score, score, score, score, score

Score, score, score, score, score

Score, score, score, score, score

Stand down please

Stand down EMTy

Stand down please

Stand down Therrien

I say stand down EMTy

Stand down please

Stand down Therrien

Stand down EMTy

Stand down please

Stand down Therrien

The Cross is Boss: Marois 1, Frontwoodsers 0

As a proud fifth-generation anglo Québecker de souche, properly baptised by the Plymouth Trinity United Church of Sherbrooke, I must take a moment here to salute Parti-Québecois leader Pauline Marois for her bold statement pledging to keep my belle province the rightful Backwoods capital of North America.

Because here in Quebec, backwoods is where it's at. And to underline that, Marois spent time on the campaign trail today defending her party's proposal to secularize the province's civil servants' appearance, lest it offend the non-believers of whatever faith is projected by the bearer's attire (sacred or not).

Unless, of course, the bearer's faith happens to be Christianity (the "good", or at least, "officially-sanctioned" faith, apparently).

Bravo, I say. I mean, I don't know about you, but when I go down to the S.A.A.Q. to renew my driver's license, the last thing I want to see is a fully-bilingual, smiling civil servant wearing a Scottish kilt. I don't want to think about what's behind that Sporran, thank you very much. There is nothing Catholic about the Scots, after all.

And it's not just them, but those snooty Saudi-Arabian immigrant women - you know, the ones who aren't even allowed to drive in their country of origin - but when they come here to pursue a better life pursuant to the United Nations declaration of Universal Human Rights, think they can go on following their Muslim faith and shit anyway. I mean, come on!

And I suppose there are other creeds with their ceremonial daggers and headscarves and other horrifyingly provocative faith-based attire. I just shudder to think. I mean, where did these Muslim people get the idea to have their women-folk cover up their hair with cloth anyway?

It's just so ...barbaric. I mean, really, how dare these carefully selected immigrants wear their headscarves and whatnot once they arrive here, just like they did their whole lives in their some-such places of origin? Why can't they understand they can never become a true Québecois until they completely lay themselves down and take the holy ghost up the wazoo like the rest of us all did from the time ol' Samuel de Champlain put his two fingers together in 1609 and whistled across the pond for La Vieille France to fork over a few hundred God-fearing Filles du Roi (yowza!).

Now that, my friends, was an inspired immigration policy. See, this is why it's so important to wrest that from Ottawa. Oh, wait, I suppose that's already happened. Shhh! Don't tell them that until AFTER the election.

(ahem)

Seriously, any Péquiste with the slightest bit of self-respect - or respect for their visionary founder, Rene Levesque, and his strong sense of democracy - should be voting for either Solidarité Québec, or Option Québec. The PQ has gone so Backwoods, the only sound their pollsters will hear is the distinctive August buzz of mosquitoes and blackflies.

Iggy (Ford Prefect) and Jack (Mr. Prosser) Layton star in: "Ottawa Bulldozer"

H/T to the late, great, Douglas Adams...

The excerpt below came to mind while reading Jack the Obstructionist over at Section 15.

Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that perhaps he did
want to go to the Horse and Groom after all.

"But what about my house ...?" he asked plaintively.

Ford looked across to Mr Prosser, and suddenly a wicked thought
struck him.

"He wants to knock your house down?"

"Yes, he wants to build ..."

"And he can't because you're lying in front of the bulldozers?"

"Yes, and ..."

"I'm sure we can come to some arrangement," said Ford. "Excuse
me!" he shouted.

Mr Prosser (who was arguing with a spokesman for the bulldozer
drivers about whether or not Arthur Dent constituted a mental
health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did)
looked around. He was surprised and slightly alarmed to find that
Arthur had company.
"Yes? Hello?" he called. "Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet?"

"Can we for the moment," called Ford, "assume that he hasn't?"

"Well?" sighed Mr Prosser.

"And can we also assume," said Ford, "that he's going to be
staying here all day?"

"So?"

"So all your men are going to be standing around all day doing
nothing?"

"Could be, could be ..."

"Well, if you're resigned to doing that anyway, you don't
actually need him to lie here all the time do you?"

"What?"

"You don't," said Ford patiently, "actually need him here."

Mr Prosser thought about this.

"Well no, not as such...", he said, "not exactly need ..."
Prosser was worried. He thought that one of them wasn't making a
lot of sense.

Ford said, "So if you would just like to take it as read that
he's actually here, then he and I could slip off down to the pub
for half an hour. How does that sound?"

Mr Prosser thought it sounded perfectly potty.

"That sounds perfectly reasonable," he said in a reassuring tone
of voice, wondering who he was trying to reassure.

"And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on,"
said Ford, "we can always cover up for you in return."

"Thank you very much," said Mr Prosser who no longer knew how to
play this at all, "thank you very much, yes, that's very kind
..." He frowned, then smiled, then tried to do both at once,
failed, grasped hold of his fur hat and rolled it fitfully round
the top of his head. He could only assume that he had just won.

"So," continued Ford Prefect, "if you would just like to come
over here and lie down ..."

"What?" said Mr Prosser.

"Ah, I'm sorry," said Ford, "perhaps I hadn't made myself fully
clear. Somebody's got to lie in front of the bulldozers haven't
they? Or there won't be anything to stop them driving into Mr
Dent's house will there?"

"What?" said Mr Prosser again.
"It's very simple," said Ford, "my client, Mr Dent, says that he
will stop lying here in the mud on the sole condition that you
come and take over from him."

"What are you talking about?" said Arthur, but Ford nudged him
with his shoe to be quiet.

"You want me," said Mr Prosser, spelling out this new thought to
himself, "to come and lie there ..."

"Yes."

"In front of the bulldozer?"

"Yes."

"Instead of Mr Dent."

"Yes."

"In the mud."

"In, as you say it, the mud."

As soon as Mr Prosser realized that he was substantially the
loser after all, it was as if a weight lifted itself off his
shoulders: this was more like the world as he knew it. He sighed.

"In return for which you will take Mr Dent with you down to the
pub?"

"That's it," said Ford. "That's it exactly."

Mr Prosser took a few nervous steps forward and stopped.

"Promise?"

"Promise," said Ford. He turned to Arthur.

"Come on," he said to him, "get up and let the man lie down."

Arthur stood up, feeling as if he was in a dream.

For the uninitiated, the above is an excerpt from Chapter One of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I was on my way to the Death Star that morning...

h/t to Section 15 for finding this one:



There is comic brilliance, and then there is comic brilliance with exquisite post-modernist satire, done with impeccable execution. Brilliant.

(The real tragedy is that all three brave Stormtroopers pictured here would eventually be killed in the destruction of the second Death Star, just five years later. Contributions to their widows and children are being taken up by the Intergalactic Imperial Loyalist Fund. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.)

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Happy Canada Day, everyone

This is stellar (and they even apologize for Celine Dion):

"I Know that You Want to be Canadian Please"

BREAKING: Iggy to Cross Floor, Join Conservatives

Background: Yesterday on CBC's The National, Michael Ignatieff was loathe to answer Peter Mansbridge's question on when the last time he and the Prime Minister met privately. Today, Paul Wells cautioned Iggy about Harper's legacy as a master manipulator in these settings. Oh, Iggy, no wonder you were so scared. If only you'd held off a little longer. Alas... ;-)

OTTAWA--In a surprise move that is rattling Parliament Hill to its core, Michael Ignatieff emerged from today's one-on-one meeting with Prime Minister Stephen Harper to announce that he is resigning immediately as Liberal leader to cross the floor and join the government benches as the Natural Resources minister, replacing MP Lisa Raitt.

It remains unclear where this leaves the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada, as well as Her Majesty's loyal Opposition in the House of Commons.

All of Ottawa appears to be in catatonic shock, save for the Prime Minister himself. Harper spoke briefly to the press in the Commons foyer with a mute and serene-looking Ignatieff standing at his side, occasionally picking lint off his Master's jacket.

"Mr. Ignatieff and I agree that the best way to avoid sending Canadians into a summertime election campaign that nobody in their right mind wants is for him to subserviently become my dog," Harper told a stunned throng of reporters, and Robert Fife.

"However, since that's not physically possible, he has agreed to this other arrangement, whereby he will be sworn in later this afternoon as the Minister of Natural Resources, as well as the Minister responsible for Destroying All Opposition to Stephen Harper on Parliament Hill. Isn't that right, Igster?" Harper said, shooting a sly smile at Mr. Ignatieff, his fist clenching slightly.

Ignatieff appeared ready to speak, but meekly nodded his head, smiled and looked down as Harper thanked the press and led him away toward Rideau Hall, where the Governor-General was presumably making preparations for the swearing-in ceremony.

More to come as this shocking story develops.

- 30 -

Too Phoquen Phunny

Tip o' the hat to Paul Wells.

My Kingdom for a Vested Sweater® Take-off

It's not exactly Mayor Tommy Shanks but it may be even funnier:

Tip o' the Hat to impolitical.

Harper's Worst Nightmare?

What a bother this representational,... what do they call it? demogra...? demma? democracy? Yeah, democracy stuff is. 308 bloody candidates - all with ...freakish skeletons in their closets ...and mouths! Mouths that might say words that can't be controlled, not like robots can. That's it. GET ME ROBOTS!! LIKE IN THAT SECOND BORING STAR WARS MOVIE!!!

At least until I can get my majority, and then sell this god-forsaken socialist backwater country to the United States where is belongs! Now let me look at that notaleader site. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT FINISHED YET?!? Well, show me what you've got. Did they get the puffin in yet? Let me see... THAT'S CRAP!! I TOLD YOU - I WANT THE PUFFIN TO CRAP ON HIS SHOULDER!!! HIS SHOULDER, MORONS!! GET IT RIGHT!

Great, so first I have to tell the media I'm some kind of fruit, and now I've got a puffin that isn't pooping where I want it to? THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!!!

AAARGGGHH!!!

Okay, I'm good now... Hey, who's that? Come out where I can see you! Is that a microphone? GET BACK HERE YOU! DON'T STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ME!!

This was SUPPOSED to be a SAFE ROOM!! Now I'll have to sue somebody to shut them up and make up some crap about doctored recordings again.

Where's Emerson? EMERSON!!!

- 30 -

Nothing funnier than Scott Feschuk at election time

Just be careful about coffee spewing out on your keyboard as you read and guffaw.

Meanwhile, Harper's launched his latest campaign theme:

The New Negative!
Pounding away mercilessly at wounded political animals with psychotic glee - the only thing the Harper Imitation Tories really excel at!

Harper channels John Candy

I finally saw this sickening ad and was instantly reminded of:

Mayor Tommy Shanks (John Candy) is Melonville's "easygoing" (corrupt) mayor who is prone to sudden fits of rage and physical violence, yet gives regular fireside chats on SCTV while a stuffed dog sits motionless by his side. Throwing out one non-sequitur after another, Shanks manages to convey absolutely nothing of relevance during his broadcasts. Eventually, Shanks succumbs to mental illness and is institutionalized. While still in the institution, he runs for re-election with the campaign slogan "Get me outta here!" and wins by a landslide.

Too bad much searching on both youtube and google photos has not turned up anything else, but I trust true SCTV fans will know what I'm talking about here.

- 30 -

Geeks in Uproar over Bill Clinton's comments

PHILADELPHIA--Saying he was "way out of his solar quadrant" in declaring that Sen. Barack Obama's slim, goofy-guy personae has benefited him in attracting the geek vote, leading geeks were united in their scorn for former President Bill Clinton's comment during a campaign stop in support of his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton and her Democratic nomination bid.

Clinton's remark, made before a steelworkers union in Allentown yesterday, was: "All I'm saying is that he sure is lucky he was born a geeky, funny-looking character because he's sure got the Trekkie-vote sewn up but good."

"That's not even phasers on stun anymore," declared Sidney R. Khozhang, editor of Mac World. "Just singling us out as some political force in this way - while it does seem kind of exciting - is very racist, and not at all becoming of a former leader of all free humanoids; more like what you'd expect of a Sith Lord."

Another prominent geek, Martin Cohen, editor of Battlestar Gallactikosher, which tags itself as "the highest circulation Jewish Battlestar Gallactica fanzine in the lower twelve states", was equally unimpressed.

"What rankles is that we geeks have been working to have better representation in U.S. politics for decades," Cohen said in a telephone interview. "Finally, this guy with the geekiest name, the geekiest smile and the geekiest frame you've ever seen is (gasp) less than a parsec away from the White House. This (publicity) is the last thing we need. But I think there will be a backlash. Like in that Battlestar Gallactica episode from Season 2, where..." at which point this reporter felt the urge to retch and could not continue the interview.

While Senator Clinton was quick to distance herself from her husband's remarks, calling them "regrettable" and noting it remains to be seen "what the definition of 'is' is," she stopped short of firing her husband from the campaign (not that anyone is surprised), but did mention she intends to refrain from administering him any "num-nums" for the foreseeable future.

For his part, Sen. Obama was quick to pounce on the perceived faux pas, stating at a rally in Pittsburgh: "Geeks built this country - or at least its interactive gaming sites."

"I know I'm no linebacker. Sure, when the wind is blowing at 20-plus miles an hour, I know enough to stay inside and not get blown over. But that doesn't excuse these remarks, and I anxiously await a response from the Senator from New York, on how she intends to respond to this insult to geeks across this great nation. That's not the kind of politics Americans want."

- 30 -

U.S. Senate matches Oilers' $50M offer for Bin Laden

The United States Senate voted to match the Edmonton Oilers' $50 million offer on Restricted Free Agent Osama bin Laden last week, thus thwarting Oilers GM Kevin Lowe from acquiring the highly sought-after veteran.

"Bin Laden is simply too important for us to let him go, no matter the cost," said the Senator who co-authored the measure.

In a hasitly-called press conference in Edmonton, Lowe was visibly distraught.

"We are sorry to miss out on him," Lowe said. "Scouting reports noted his toughness, and the inability of other teams to knock him off the puck. As a player, he has shown great tenacity and a truly explosive offensive capability."

Several commentators expressed unease over the implications this may have on the bounties put on other terrorists' heads.

"If the NHL allows its General Managers to continue down this reckless path in pursuing free agents, there's no telling what ceiling to expect in this post 9-11, post lock-out market," blasted the Hockey Snooze in an online editorial.

Others were openly questioning Lowe's sanity.

"We knew Lowe was desperate to add offense, but I don't even know if this guy can skate, and his health is certainly questionable," mused one hockey blogger. "Playing high-stakes chicken with the Buffalo Sabres is one thing, but first he threw away $27 Million at one defenseman with questionable health and skating ability, and now he offers $50 million for another? Going up against the U.S. Senate? It's time someone told Kevin there is good psychiatric help available."

- 30 -

Ragdoll Bush

The person who sent me this link swears it's become the most popular screen saver in the U.S.A. Well it's hours of fun for a girl or a boy, I'll say that much. Click and drag for acceleration.

- 30 -

A Scrotum Try

Ivan of Creative Writing found a nifty site that makes instant anagrams out of anything you throw in.

So he tagged me with this meme: find anagrams for your name (hence the title of this post), plus the name of your blogsite. Some other notables from my name:

A crust, my rot
A curt Ms. Tory
A cut Mrs. Tory
Scar my tutor
Trusty Marco
Scram, Trouty!
YMCA or trust
Carroty smut
Car smut Tory
Racy smut rot

...and far too many more variations with "scary", "smut" and "Tory". This is not all I had hoped it could be. As for anagramming "Tattered Sleeve", I don't think I have the stomach for it, but you can go ahead and put anything interesting you find in the comments thread. Go ahead and give it the 'ol scrotum try!

- 30 -

PEI potato warning: halucinogens may be present

CTV ran the story. They were a little more delicate than I was with this headline. Anyway, I see a face too.

And it's Miss Piggy. Go have a look and tell me I'm wrong.

- 30 -