Making the Most of Time Granted

I'm strategizing how to make the most of a semester with leave from teaching responsibilities.  I received a grant to buy out both my classes, ostensibly to finish two (related) book projects.  This does not mean I never have to show up to campus.  (In fact, I will still be on two major committees, responsible for an undergraduate organization, and overseeing two student research projects.)  So while I have a reasonable sense of how to structure my time over the summer, say, it's less clear to me what to do now:  how to negotiate getting my work done with being a decent departmental citizen and hopefully feeling less rather than more stressed.  How to make sure I can still have the occasional lunch/coffee/whatever with a friend, without such social events encroaching on my research plan.  In my head, a day not on campus might look like this:

8:30 coffee/breakfast/read for project #1
9-10:15 work on project #1
10:15-11:45 work on project #2
11:45-12:30 take a walk/lunch
12:30-1:30 read theoretical stuff for project #2
1:30-3:00 work on project #2
3:00-3:30 household stuff
[LG home/handle email or dinner prep/hang out?]

I think days I need to be on campus (i.e. committee meeting) I will also build in library time.  If I get antsy, I might try afternoons at coffee shop/art museum/public library.  I'm going to try to stay completely offline during the day and shift whatever online reading I do to my Tiny Boy rocking chair routine.  We'll see how it goes.

I know Undine recently had a post about sabbatical thoughts (thanks!).  For all you academics, please do send any tips my way!  I feel like I'm pretty good about 'time management' issues but could always use some tweaks!

Another End of Semester Post (Fall 2016)

It's been a doozy of a semester.  I'm wondering if I'm just getting old and can't handle the work on my plate as much as I used to, or if my work methods are changing, or what.  Because there is just way too much to do, even as I recognize (a) there's a lot I'm not getting done and (b) at other stages of my career I've done much more.

Some major tasks and accomplishments:

• Finished and submitted co-edited book.
• Wrote and presented two conference papers.
• Wrote and submitted grant proposals for two undergraduate research projects (accepted!).
• Interviewed a bunch of students for said undergraduate research projects.
• Wrote and submitted grant for summer research funding (accepted!)
• Supervised two undergraduate capstone projects.
• Supervised two other student intern projects.
• Served as faculty adviser for undergraduate organization.
• Wrote several letters of rec for grad students applying for jobs.
• Spent two weeks in November crying about the election outcome.
• Served on a major departmental committee.  With a new department chair.  So there was a fair amount of business.
• Served on a search committee (198 job applicants!  Short list of 41!  18 more writing samples to read by Friday!)
• Finished (?) miscellaneous leftover tasks from my abandoned administrative role.
• Had two students doing comps exams (~60 page written + orals) in same week.

I think that's most of what's been done.  In the next week, to finish up, I need to:

• Read 18 more writing samples.  Spend two days interviewing candidates.
• Meet with undergrad group and make sure they're on track.
• Participate in departmental self-study thing, which will involve a number of focus groups.
• Grade final projects from class and from independent studies.
• Write letters of rec for two undergrads applying to grad school.
• Learn a bit more about InDesign and use it to finish a small book (my class decided to make a book as a final project)
• Revise and resubmit an article (due Jan 6).  One of those things where one reviewer thought it was brilliant and the other thought it shouldn't be published.  Editors want to publish but take one of the review suggestions.  Which is fine.  But it requires reading some stuff I haven't read and rethinking a major thread of the argument.
• Do any leftover admin work because I AM ON LEAVE NEXT SEMESTER and I don't want to leave a mess for my dept chair to figure out.  Amen.

Making the Most of a Semester "Off"

I'm writing this as a break from working on the co-edited book that is the bane of my existence.  Our initial deadline was 10/1, our extended deadline 10/31.  While I could just be done, I'm trying to create a bit of space for my collaborator to actually have a voice (like, it would be nice if she contributed to the description that will be on the book jacket, say).  So I'm sort of waiting, as I've been waiting, and being frustrated.

I've been looking forward to having this done and moving on to the next thing for a long time.  But instead of being able to dive right in to the next BIG THING, the two book projects (related) I'll be working on when I'm "on leave"* in the spring, November it seems will be chock full of committee work and cleaning up the mess from October.  I'm on a search committee for a junior position that I'm guessing will net about 150 applications (which is low in general, but I think the ad was crafted in a smart way to do some of the weeding out).  Grad students are suddenly coming out of the woodwork; I have three students at the comps stage and two sending chapters.  My undergrad thesis advisee will have a complete draft in a few weeks.  I'm in the process of getting two or three research interns in place, so that requires review, interviews, etc.  I'm in charge of another guest writer coming in.  And more.

But.  I really want to start moving toward the direction of writing and reading and generally being immersed in my work.  Right now it feels too much like checking off tasks instead of doing meaningful things.  So I just bought Colson Whitehead's Underground Railroad so as soon as the book ms is off my desk I at least want to spend some time remembering why it is I do what I do.  And then I need to start making a careful plan for making use of next semester, complete with a reading list.  The last time I was on leave, I had a nursing infant (who was at one of his lowest points in terms of sleep, and recovering from surgery, and then getting used to daycare and constantly ill) so while it was nice it wasn't the most productive.  This time, it's going to be grand.  But, if there are any academics out there who have tips for making the most of such time, send them my way!



* The way this works in my department is that grants and such buy out teaching in order to preserve research time; they do not excuse you from service, unlike on a "sabbatical," though I have some (junior) colleagues who believe this to be the case, which is a constant source of departmental disagreement and angst.

Working over the Summer

Technically I'm five weeks into summer break.  In some ways, I've enjoyed the change of pace that comes with summer:  I'm deliberately picking up the kids on the early side, so we can spend more time together in the evenings; I'm watching more TV/movies; I'm puttering around the kitchen and trying things out (cilantro pesto, from my own garden!); I'm doing art* (not a lot--like 15 minutes here and there, but it's enough to feel like a change).  And though it doesn't feel like it sometimes on a daily basis, I'm getting work done: I've finished and submitted an article; I've made all first round revisions for book ms for July 1 deadline (waiting on collaborator and then I need to revisit); I've written toward my new project almost daily, though I'm still figuring out its shape.

But the whole committee thing?  Well, I've worked on it for five weeks beyond my contract.**  Yes, I am literally not getting paid to be attacked by a colleague, to write 47 rejection letters, to correspond with those still in the running, to manage numerous behind-the-scenes email conversations, etc.  It's weighed on me emotionally in addition to taking up my time.  Yes, I'm more than a bit resentful, and desperately hoping that, having submitted final committee report yesterday, I'm off the hook.  The one great thing is that my dept chair acknowledged this work in my annual review letter, so at least there's a record.

What that means in practical terms is there's a lot of my summer plan that hasn't happened that needs to get on the agenda.  Some of it's small, like buying a rug for the porch and finishing it so we can use it as an art room (this might be one of my best ideas ever) and some of it's larger, like going through four years of photos on various devices and organizing them.

I'm going, again, on three hours of sleep*** so not at my best, but still it's 10:00 and I've already done my minimum daily writing, so yay.  Now I'm going to read a hot-off-the-presses novel by a grad school chum and take some notes from books that need to go back to the library.  Then a walk, some domestic work, some more writing, pick up kids and head to LG's softball game (apparently she has some "innate skill" that did not come from me.  Kind of like her singing voice.  who knew?).  More later, y'all.



* mostly decoupage type stuff on containers.  I completely understand Tiny Boy's sentiment:  "I just want to cut things."  Mod-podge rocks.

**the perception that professors have summer "off"?  Yeah, doing the research one needs to do to get promoted while not getting paid is just grand.

*** I weaned myself almost all the way off Lunesta--this was a slow process--but clearly that's not a good plan.  At least twice a week I am awake by 2:00-3:00, and this is only about 50% Tiny Boy's fault.  Last night I gave him melatonin late (because I forgot) and he slept past 6:00 for the first time in a long time.  Going to try that again and see if it's more than a coincidence.

Summer Plans

My students turned in final projects today.  My plan is to turn grades in on Friday, which means fitting them around meetings or giving up my morning writing time, which feels likely at this point.  I have a massage scheduled for 2:30 tomorrow (amen!) and it would be really awesome to be done by then.  I'll see.

Although student-related projects will be done soon, this semester will drag on for a few more weeks, due to the search committee and some other smaller administrative projects.  I did, however, tell my chair I'm done as of December.  I said I might be willing to come back again, but that's dependent on personnel issues (i.e. if my crazy colleague gets another job and leaves, or doesn't get tenure and leaves, I'm happy to reprise my role).  In the meantime, I'm applying for a different admin position...I don't know that I'd want it if offered it, and I suspect that there's already someone in mind, but writing a letter of intent felt like a good thing to do.

*

All this is to say that I haven't done the summer planning I usually enjoy doing.  I've put some movies  (i.e. Oscar nominated films) on hold at the library, and they'll trickle in over the summer, so that's a plan related to leisure.  I'd also like to do art in a more strategic way (making art supplies more accessible might be an obvious way to do this?).  And I think I want to take a barre class and see how that feels.  I'll take the kids on a couple trips (at least one smaller trip to see family and to celebrate nephew's first birthday, a weekend/driving trip involving the beach, and something involving the extended family).  I'll read some books (I feel like maybe starting a book club again might be something to do?) but haven't figured out a reading list (I have a long backlog!).

For work, I have two smaller projects that need to be completed immediately (an essay that was solicited that is in messy draft stage, and edits on an essay accepted for publication) both due May 15.  And then I want to pick up the book projects related to the grant I have for next spring.  I'd like to be able to use the grant time in a focused way, so hopefully this summer I can deal with the what-the-fuck-am-I-doing messy second draft sorts of questions.  Mapping out a weekly plan is critical, but before I get there I think I need to figure out camp-and-travel schedule so I know how many work weeks I actually have.

And before all this work happens, I need to take a week off.  And just clean my house and cook stuff and veg out.  Because you know, summer (even if I still need to wear a winter coat).

Musings from Conference World

There's something about running into people you knew in your twenties that presents a moment for self-reflection.  Some random thoughts and observations:

• To quote the guy who at 21 was my nemesis and major competition (let's just say he introduced himself to me by asking my GRE scores?!):  "isn't it nice being at this point?"  Hell, yes.  And away from all that early twenties classroom competitiveness and late twenties competitiveness for jobs, he's just nice.  And I'd like to hang out with him more.
• The key to happiness is managing your own time.  This is not always possible, esp with kids, partners, jobs, etc.  But it's certainly a goal.  This meant that I bowed out of the keynote thing last night to watch a crappy movie and go to bed by 10:00.  And thanks to a lot of medication (don't judge me, peeps) I slept more or less 10 hours.  Which I totally needed.
• On that, before the conference I wrote down my list of goals, because I didn't want to get swallowed up in it (there's something like 13,000 people here?!).  Mine included meeting up with people, actually having meals with human beings (as opposed to solo), and having some alone time to balance that all out.
• Apparently I'm now at a stage of my career that I'm willing to go up to random (famous in my circles) strangers and introduce myself.  They were largely nice to me back.
• It appears that I'm mid career.  It appears that, despite the insanity of my colleagues, I have a good gig.  I knew this.  It was nice to be reminded.
• The keys to having a good gig for me?  Being single.  Having two terminal degrees.  Probably more on that later.

Another Yap About Being a Single Parent/Academic

So one of my senior colleagues, referred to here I believe as Bitter Senior Colleague (which frankly could describe ALL of them), makes a regular point of commenting on how productive I am, getting a reasonable amount of writing done with small kids around the house, as a single parent, etc.  I believe this is meant to be a compliment.

But it finally stuck me yesterday that perhaps this is more of a comment about herself.  Either that she wasn't able to get a whole lot done when her kids were small (they are both adults now), or that her own work habits now couldn't accommodate parenting, or something like that.

She is not a "dead-wood" senior colleague.  She regularly shows up to things, does her share of committee and other work, publishes regularly, wins teaching awards.  Other than her bitterness and personality issues (ahem) I admire her as a sort of role model in the profession; of all the (tenure system) colleagues in my program, she's the one I most ally with.  Clearly, though, our work habits are different.

Finally the other day I just shrugged my shoulders and said I guess I've found a method that works for me.

Part of it, I think, is that I don't have a lot of anxiety about writing, or perfectionism (at least at the early draft stage of things).  I'm willing to throw words down on the page (electronic or print) without a lot of thought.  I draft quickly (though revising takes me a long time).  I always have multiple projects going, so something is being completed while something is just getting off the ground.  I devote my first hours of the day--as Psycgirl was just talking about--to writing.    At this point of my career--it's sort of astonishing but I think I will be able to go up for full professor next year--I'm pretty rigid about protecting my time.  But--and this is key--I'm not an asshole about it.  I don't hold up the scheduling of meetings.  I don't put my students off.  I just make sure that the important stuff is scheduled first.

I'm mostly grateful for the flexibility and autonomy I have.  So today I've done yoga and done some editing and some new writing.  In a bit, I'm having a lunch meeting with a colleague, then I'm meeting someone else at the art museum--multitasking!--and working on annual review stuff. Yesterday was completely different,  with a long block for writing in the morning and then class and office hours and too much email related to administrative tasks.  Monday will be a grading and course prep day.  So, yeah, I guess I'm productive.  And I have two little kids.  That's just how my life is.  And mostly I'm really happy with it.

Before the End of the Semester

A quick freakout, because that's really all I have time for.

It occurred to me, sometime in the wee hours of the morning when Tiny Boy was kicking me in the head, that even though the publisher has given me until February to submit the final manuscript for my book, it really needs to be done in the next few weeks so that the folks who have agreed to write blurbs.

So let's say for the sake of argument I get this Book #1 squeaky clean by December 15, which is like LESS THAN TWENTY WORK DAYS FROM NOW.  Before then, I also need to finish the semester, which is to say reading drafts of student writing for the next couple weeks and final portfolios when they come in.  Not to mention the 300 page dissertation that just landed on my desk.  I also need to finish my syllabus for the new course I'm teaching next semester, and it's co-taught, which is twice the fun but about four times the complexity.  And various admin tasks I won't bore you with here.

Then, re:  Book #4, My co-editor and I had a self-imposed deadline of October 1, which was then Nov 1, and I think Dec 15 might be realistic, except the aforementioned.  We have contributors!  We need to make this happen!  It needs to get in the mail!

Then the publisher would like the new version of Book #2 in the spring (now, spring is a vague deadline, but still, in my head that means maybe March 1, and maybe I should clarify that, which really means doing that work in January and February (after the previous deadlines) and when I am teaching one more course than I am now.

And I don't think I mentioned the acceptance of Book #3, which isn't a REAL book, because it's only a chapbook, but that still needs dealing with, and that too is supposed to be done in that vague space of the spring (haven't signed a contract yet so don't have an actual deadline).

I'm going to go take a walk and cool off.  And get back to Books 1-4.

Ahhhh!

Playing Student

We have a visiting writer on campus today.  These things either suck or they are fantastic.  So far, we have a fantastic.  Like, I want to do everything this guy is doing; he's making me think about my work in new ways, and it's totally great to talk to him.  Amen.

*

Up next:  pregnancy loss take #1, 11 years later, or what's going on in my head these days

In Which Gwinne Vents About Editors and Readers Reports

Oh, this is the Year of the Book it seems.

Another book manuscript accepted, pending revision.

I am not one of those writers who says it's DONE AS IS sorry.  I have rarely refused to make changes when offered the opportunity to publish.  And, indeed, I agree wholeheartedly with this editor that the book needs work.

I just think it needs very different work than she's asking for.  And I don't know if I can do it.  Like, literally, it's not that I don't want to do it, it's just I can't even fucking IMAGINE what this book would look like her way.

I forwarded the readers' reports to my best ladies (my writers' group) and they were indignant on my behalf.  I emailed a senior colleague who likewise said not to trust it, don't do it.

Indeed, the last time I was asked to revise this book, I did exactly what was asked of me and it was ultimately rejected (maybe 2010?  it was pre-Tiny Boy) and I was so humiliated that I largely stopped sending the thing out.

So my impulse is to tinker with it and see what happens on my own terms.  And if that happens to work with her terms, yay.  And if not, I guess the thing will continue to be unpublished.

Argh.

My Brain Hurts

Today is my first "real" summer writing day, as I was on campus four days per week until the end of June and then I took last week OFF and then the past two days have involved doing other projects like painting Tiny Boy's room for half the day.  So since 9:00 when I came home from dropping off the kids, I have revised a book proposal, read three articles, done some library research and recalling of books, drafted some new stuff, put dinner in the crock, done two loads of laundry, and swept the floor downstairs (the domestic stuff took about 30 minutes total, spread across some short breaks).  It's 1:30 and my brain hurts and I am ready to be DONE.

I think that means I need to shift gears and maybe do something physical and then get back into it, because I'm not picking up children for three more hours and I'm not going to spend them staring into space.

You know, being well-rested really helps in the productivity department.*



* No, that does not mean Tiny Boy is sleeping through the night or anything like that.  But he did go back to bed after the 4-6 am suck-a-thon and LG was the first one awake this morning.  Weird, weird, weird.

In Lieu of Actual Work

I'm having trouble this week getting work done.

And by "work," I refer to the book manuscript I am supposed to be working on.  I started a new chapter this week, and I think I am not ready to write it.  I think I need to do some more reading in order to take an article-length thing and make it a chapter-length thing, with a very different style.

And then there's the whole Tiny Boy Doesn't Sleep issue.  Not sure why he went those LONG stretches last week and now is back to the madness.  Like, last night, he was talking to himself at around 2:00 in the morning and then almost an hour later a cat came into the room and then he was like I want out of this crib NOW and as I went to nurse him AGAIN it occurred to me that he smelled bad and, yes, I had to change a poopy diaper somewhere around 3:30 in the morning.  And then he still woke up in the 5:00 hour to nurse.  I think.  It's all hard to remember.

And this week the JOB is also interfering with work.  I was at a meeting yesterday.  And I had to pick up refreshments for a reading tonight.  And then I'll have to drop them off today and then show up tonight to actually do the event.

And this has been the week of home-repair estimates.  Trees must be yanked.  Roof must be repaired.  Ceiling fans need to be properly secured so they don't freak me the fuck out anymore.  Yadda yadda yadda.  Yay for my tax refund.

I think now maybe I will take a shower.  And clean something.  And then maybe I'll have figured out something to write.  Just in time to go to campus.

After an Infertile Academic Gets Tenure and Has a Baby

I'm pretty certain that my department chair isn't reading ALI blogs, so I can safely quote a stand-out word from my annual review letter, which I read yesterday.  He characterized my year as "tumultuous," what with the new baby and the promotion and the tenure debacle that preceded it.  He has no freaking idea.  Really, the last three years, since the Summer of Miscarriage and IVF, have been tumultuous; I just covered it up pretty well.

But the years of not getting much work done (well, more accurately, of not getting work published) have caught up with me, as per the fairly abysmal (okay, not abysmal but pretty much smack dab in the center) merit review.  It made me mad and ashamed and all sorts of bad emotions, even though I expected it.  Even though, in the whole scheme of not really getting raises, it doesn't matter in any tangible way.

It matters a lot insofar as once upon a time ago in a grad program far far away, I was a "star."  I was one of those people who won awards all throughout high school and college and graduate school and then got not one but two tenure track jobs in a field in which less than 30% of people with PhDs get tenure track jobs (or at least that's the figure I seem to remember from back then; it's even worse now).  And then I found myself a single mama at an R1 institution, completely overwhelmed by trying to navigate toddlerhood with what was expected of me.  Spent my first three years writing and writing and getting things in the mail and creating a publication record that should did earn me tenure.  Then LG turned into a normal human who slept on something resembling a normal human schedule and I passed my third year review with flying colors and found something resembling balance and decided to have kid #2, which brings us to the narrative of Something Remarkable.

For a long time school/work was my life.  It was refuge for me growing up, and then those first few years on the tenure track when I was also struggling with the desire for motherhood, which quickly became infertility and pregnancy loss.  And now that I find myself "post" infertility (which isn't really "post," as I am still infertile, but at least post-infertility treatment) and post-tenure, I'm back in a place where I really want to succeed in my profession again.

I have no desire to be a "star" in my field.  I do have a strong desire to do my job well, without being harried and without stalling out at the associate level as so many female academics do.  I know my next annual review is going to suck at least as much as this current one did, given I don't have anything coming out in the next few months.  But I have higher hopes for 2013-2014.

I'm slowly making headway with two book projects, in two different fields.  I have a number of other projects on the back burner, but still in the works.  I have a sabbatical next fall and dammit with Tiny Boy in full-time daycare, I really should have a decent working draft of this book.  Originally my plan for the summer was to race through and have a complete (but probably very sloppy) draft by the time fall rolled around, but I find myself back-tracking and redoing the last chapter I wrote, pushing it in different directions.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  It will be better for it.

After eleven years (holy crap, is that even possible?!) in this profession I think I have a pretty good sense of how I work.  And what I need to remind myself is that those methods got me through graduate school.  Those methods got me tenure.  So really there's no reason to question my methods.  I just need to keep plugging away, putting words on paper, and in about five years I should be ready to go up for promotion again, just as Tiny Boy starts elementary school.  It's really amazing to contemplate.

In Which Gwinne Extols the Virtues of Her Writing Group

Oh my goodness, those people are smart!  And funny!  And generous readers!

We met yesterday for the first time (I basically sent an email to all the young(er) poets I know in the area who aren't my students and said, dude, let's have a writing group, come to my house while the boy naps) and it was the best thing ever.  Well, at least since graduate school.

I have ideas.  For the manuscript (no, of course not the book that I'm supposed to be writing, but that other one I've been stalled on for a couple years).  Poems, people.  I'm writing poems again.  I was worried I stopped knowing how to be a poet.  But apparently not.  And I also got an essay about DE off to a journal this morning.  Productivity!  Yay!


(And now back to my regularly scheduled morning writing session)

That Whole Writing a Book Thing

So I've been plugging away at this book manuscript.  Generally, I force myself to produce 1000 words (or roughly 3 pages in Times New Roman) per day, mostly because my dissertation director (who is incredibly prolific, and incredibly famous, at least in her field of expertise) does so.  Some days that's a real struggle.  Some days I can write that much in an hour or less without blinking.  Theoretically, this pace means that by the end of the summer--taking into consideration vacation and days without childcare--I should have a "complete" new draft of this book.  Yes, the book I was "supposed" to have finished before I gave birth to Tiny Boy (yeah, that was realistic, huh?).

Recently I reread The Clockwork Muse, which, in a nutshell, outlines the importance of setting a schedule with deadlines in order to get one's book written (duh!) because sometimes I need to read such academic self-help literature in order to get myself going when I feel overwhelmed.  There's a table--ridiculous, in my opinion--in which he breaks down the book he's writing in to chapters and then sections, figuring out how many pages per section he anticipates and how many working days it will take to produce those pages, taking into consideration the pace at which he writes.  I suppose that could work in some fields, or with some projects.  But, for me, it really is about producing that set number of words per day, even if that means ending in the middle of a section.  Whether that means one hour of work or four.  Just. Put. One. Word. After. Another.

But between the book and the baby there's not a lot of time to get to the other things on my to do list.  My neighbor volunteered to mow my lawn (thank you!) because even though it takes a grand total of 10 minutes with a push mower, I just haven't been able to put Tiny Boy down for 10 minutes to do it.  I finally pulled a weed in our garden today that had grown almost as tall as me, and only then because MMH was using the rocker in my office to put Tiny Boy down for a nap and I really needed a break from writing that didn't involve the written word in any fashion.  There are phone calls to make.  Errands to run.  And when MMH is here I want to work, and when she's not, I'd rather not haul Tiny Boy places.  Trying to strike a balance over the course of the week between days we stay home (like today, as he's napping erratically) and days we go out (like Tuesday, when he woke up and then it was a quick nurse and diaper change and then I threw him in the car to visit Dr. Gorgeous and buy some groceries).

From the standpoint of getting this book written, my childcare arrangement certainly isn't ideal.  But in less than four months, he'll be in daycare full-time, and I will have long stretches of quiet in which to work.  And I'm sure, then, I'll miss having him home.

Right now I've got a swaddled sleeping baby and a cup of tea and a book on my nightstand.  Really, could I ask for more than that?

Another Post on that Elusive Thing Called Work/Life Balance

Summer has barely begun, yet I feel the hours slipping away already.  There is so much to be done--on my book, on the house, with and for the kids--and so little time in which to do it.  Much of this has to do with my current childcare arrangement, which is 20 hours per week of a mother's helper/babysitter for Tiny Boy.  That's just not a lot of time in which to do the things I can't do while holding Tiny Boy.  Like write or pack up my office or go to yoga or run certain kinds of errands.  In some ways, I'm feeling ready for him to be in a full-time daycare situation, which would really free up my days; in others, I know that him being home for as long as possible, with me being able to nurse him largely on demand, is probably best for us right now.

But in practical terms, that means the 4 hrs/day that we have the babysitter, I'm feeding him at least once, and generally twice.  (Yes, I could pump, but that takes away other time, like first thing in the morning, and is logistically very difficult, particularly if he's sucking on me all night, so I only do it when I know I need to leave the house.)  And if he falls asleep while nursing, then I need to hold him for a while longer so he stays asleep, before dumping him in the crib or my bed.  Granted, while I'm doing this, MMH (marvelous mother's helper) is working on the laundry or sweeping the floor or whatever else doesn't take my brain to do (would be great if she could organize things, like LG's nonsense, but we'd never find them again).

I'm trying to focus on what I have gotten done, rather than the long list of the undone.  For instance, this week so far I have written several pages on a collaborative project that feeds directly into my book project, notes towards poems, and my usual 500-word daily minimum in my "exercises" file.  I've read.  I've done some research.  I've cleaned out two large filing cabinets filled with student work.  I've organized baby clothes sizes 6-18 mo (though I have no idea where to put all this stuff!).  And generally I've parented my kids which, in Tiny Boy's case, occurs even in my "sleep."

Here's where I need to pause and say I'm happy.  I'm fortunate.  Last night I took the kids to the park, and it was one of those fairy tale moments, so long as I didn't think about my to-do list and Tiny Boy's lack of naps.  And I'm sure, if I think about it rationally, that I will get as much done this summer, with a baby, than I did for the past few summers, which were eaten up by a miscarriage and IVF #1 (2009), depression and IVF #3 (2010), summer school and high risk pregnancy (2011).  I just feel so scattered, working in the interstices and unable to really concentrate, what with the milk letting down and all, while I try to keep my butt in the chair and write.  I think maybe I need to leave the house and work in the coffee shop, though that brings with it its own distractions.  Although I wouldn't want to go back to those lonely pre-kid times, there is something to be said for those long days I spent in graduate school doing anything I wanted over the summer, meandering from the library to the apartment to the computer lab to a cafe. 

And now I think I really need to stop writing this and take advantage of Napping Baby, who, if true to form, will wake within then next 10 minutes.  What to do first?

A pause, a rose, something on paper

(a title stolen from Lyn Hejinian's My Life)

It's 8:56 on a Thursday morning. I have already seen LG off to school and had my blood drawn. And for the first time since school began on a Thursday, a writing day, I can actually write. That is, write something other than official documents, such as my statement of teaching philosophy and abstracts for conferences, which, while important as documents, really aren't pleasurable or real intellectual/creative work. So, what exactly was I working on before all that? Oh yes, not writing much because I was doing IVF.

I need to get myself back into old projects. I need to be excited about getting back into old projects. I've forbidden myself from doing anything related to teaching on Thursdays (you know, except answering the occasional urgent student email). Today is about writing. And reading. And doing those life things that otherwise don't get done.

It promises to be a good day.

Inspiration, Hope

Once or twice a semester there's a visiting writer on campus, and it generally falls on me and Crazy Senior Colleague (perhaps I've given her a different nickname?) to shepherd said writer around for a day or two, bringing her/him to lunch and dinner, escorting him/her around campus, to and from the airport, and so on. Usually these writers are older and/or male and, while often charming, they do things like forget my name (I have a signed copy of a book that's not addressed to me!). Anyway, yesterday was Visiting Writer Day. This particular visiting writer was younger and closer in professional status to me, and we just hit it off great. I came away from the day with a plan, an actual plan, about what shorter writing projects to prioritize and finish up. It's going to take work, the kind of reshaping, rethinking work that I don't particularly like. (I'm very good at the beginnings and endings of projects...it's the messy middle that I struggle with.) I think it's realistic that one of these three projects could be finished and sent somewhere for review by the end of the semester, and that another could be ready to go by the time spring semester hits.

I haven't felt this good about work in a long time. And it's suprising, because usually visiting writers make me feel even smaller and less accomplished than I am. Thank you, Visiting Writer, for your kind words and thoughtfulnes. I hope we keep in touch.

*

Generally, I'm feeling pretty good. I suppose that's not suprising, because even if I'm in a major year long funk, I can't sustain negative energy for very long. That pissy, hating-infertility-and- the-world place I was in last week is largely spent. So many people, from my acupuncturist to Visiting Writer to my students, have commented on how calm and calming I am. I don't often feel that way, but it's nice to know that others get good energy from me. I'm feeling hopeful about my appointment on Tuesday, and kicking off this IUI cycle, two weeks late. I'm thinking about what Dr. Gorgeous said, when I told her I wasn't going to cycle in January and February, that hopefully I'll be gestating then. This week, I'm feeling like anything could happen.

RE: Your submission

It's so nice when you expect that you've received yet another rejection letter but in actuality are being told that your manuscript has made the final cut for a press's annual list and they just want to know if it's being considered elsewhere.

I know better than to get my hopes up. This is a manuscript that has garnered attention at multiple presses (it won second place in a national contest for goodness sake!) but has not yet received a contract for publication.

Still: you know what a nice birthday I'll have if I wind up getting pregnant *and* getting a book contract? Hell, one of the two would make my year.

More sparkly goodness

An acceptance letter in my inbox for two poems!

I will repeat: It's not a book manuscript, but I will take what I can get.

The big question: is this one of those weeks when I have academic successes because the pregnancy just isn't happening? or does all this sparkly goodness mean the streak of BAD is over?

The thing about narrative is the end makes everything clear. For now, I am.