10 Questions for Pastors' Wives: Mae Milton

After a bit of a break we have another contribution to our series "Ten Questions for Pastors' Wives". This time the questions are answered by Mae Milton, the wife of Dr Michael Milton who is the President of Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte. Mae and Dr Milton have been in pastoral ministry for many years and prior to them coming to Charlotte, Dr Milton was Senior Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Chattanooga, Tennessee.

1. What do you think is your most important responsibility as a pastor's wife?

The most important responsibility as a pastor's wife is to be my husband's chief supporter. To make our home a place of respite for him, a place where he can come and leave all the pressures of the pastorate behind. There are practical ways to do this.

2. Is there anything that you think is not part of your role that others may assume is?

Others may assume that they get a "two for one" deal. That is you will teach a Bible study, play the piano, be in the choir, teach the children, lead the women's group. etc... But, none of that may be your role. You are your husband's wife and if you have children, a mother. You don't have to do any of those things. You may be gifted in an area and enjoy doing certain things, but you are a wife and mother first to your family. Do what you enjoy and are good doing. I recommend not being the leader of any group. This sometimes sets you up for unnecessary criticism. In church planting, this may be necessary in the beginning, however.

3. What boundaries have you established in order to protect your marriage and family life?

Protecting your husband's day off is very important. You may have to leave the house on those days or turning the phone to OFF..and not answering for any reason. Some pastors even have a separate line that they give out to only family and close friends to call. Also, people may try to use you to get their message to your husband. Sometimes you can listen and not carry it on to him. Or, you can kindly tell them if they have a suggestion they call the office to make an appointment with him to discuss the matter. That your home is so busy that you don't want to be responsible for church matters. Also, if they call you up trying the same thing, just refer them to the office. Most of the times I never told my husband.

4. How do you apply Galatians 6:2 (“Carry each other's burdens”) when facing difficulties or frustrations in ministry?

If you have a friend in the ministry, you can call them to pray. Even family can pray when difficulties arise.

5. Where do you and your husband find your own pastoral care?

If there are other pastors on staff, you usually have someone with which to talk. Sometimes we have had other pastors in other churches to go talk with. Who have been able to pray with us and for us.

6. How do you deal with criticism of you or your husband?

This is very difficult. Everyone, I think, deals with criticism differently. I personally try to pray through it. If I know I have to see that person, I try to avoid them until I have gotten calmed down, if I am really upset. I usually act as if I know nothing is going on. Just keep smiling. If someone would ask me if I had heard this, that or the other, I would usually smile as say I have no idea what is going on. Most of the time, that is the truth. Or if there is some criticism of myself, I would just say "I will take it to the Lord and see if there is some merit to it and will make adjustment if necessary. Thanks."

7. What is the greatest blessing and what the greatest burden of being a pastor's wife?

People are the greatest blessing. Instant friends, people who love you, people to take care, and support you. They become your family. The greatest burden are also people as some will hurt you, talk about you, use you, take advantage of you and let you down.

9. What one piece of advice would you pass on to a new pastor's wife?

Be yourself. If you love to cook, feed people in your home. If you love children, work with them. Old people, work with them. Use the gifts the Lord has given you. But, your most important mission is to take care of your husband, because if you don't take care of him, he won't be able to take care of his flock.

10. How can the other women in a congregation best support you practically and in prayer?

I think the other women in the church can help you by being your friend. Praying that you would be the kind of wife your husband needs you to be.

Phatfish - In Jesus

So it's September. Where did August go? Posting has been a pretty rare event around here lately as Nicki has just moved to Northern Ireland and I've just started homeschooling, so spare time for us has been rare. I did manage to make it to the gym tonight though and was listening to In Jesus, the latest Phatfish album on my MP3 player.

As with their other recent albums the thing that stands out for me is the quality of the lyrics. There is hardly a word wasted, and all of them are theologically rich. One of my favourites on this album is No one like our God:

The Sun it torches the sky
A distant star bursts to life
Behind it all, there You are,
Sustaining
The raindrops water the earth
And then the harvest gives birth
Behind it all you remain,
Sustaining
Fall on your knees, there is no one like our God
Worship the Lord, King of Kings

This album definitely has a more rocky feel to it than their last and they have recruited a couple of extra guitarists, but I liked the sound. If you want to check out some samples to see if it is your cup of tea you can do that here. All I can say is that it made my workout session much more uplifting than it usually is! And they will even mail it to the USA...

Colin and Nicki are moving on

Sunday 26th July is a special day for a few reasons. My husband and I will be joining Uptown Church in Charlotte, which is only the second church I have regularly attended in my life. For over thirty years before that I attended, and since the age of eighteen, was a member of, Charlotte Chapel in Edinburgh. And speaking of Charlotte Chapel, on Sunday morning, Colin Adams (Nicki's husband) will preach his last sermon there before moving to Northern Ireland to become pastor of Ballymoney Baptist Church.

I was thinking about Colin and Nicki, and how much they will be missed in Edinburgh. Colin is an extremely gifted preacher and I have been challenged many times under his ministry. I was thinking which of Colin's sermons stands out most in my mind and the one that I immediately thought of was a sermon on Psalm 16 which was entitled "Take refuge in God". You can listen to it here - it will be well worth your time.

Nicki has been such a great example of biblical womanhood, and has been a mentor to many women (even setting at least one of them up with their future husband!). She has also been tireless in offering hospitality to other people of all ages. She is a devoted Mum and a inspiration to me as I struggle with the daily reality of life with small children. I certainly miss our weekly coffee dates at the soft play centre!

They will be missed in Edinburgh, but as a new chapter opens for them, I am sure that God will use them in their new church. And life is like that. With each new opportunity God brings, there will be sadness at what we leave behind. Yet God is sovereign and will use our new situation to mould us and conform us to the likeness of Christ. Our surroundings may change, but our God does not.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Prayers from home

I am currently reading through Seasons of a Mother's Heart by Sally Clarkson and I am finding it extraordinarily helpful. Sally Clarkson and her husband run an established ministry for home-schooling families and, although this book is directed at home-schooling mums, it has a lot to say to those just need encouragement in their mothering, whether or not they home school.

She splits the book into the four seasons namely, Spring, season of renewal; Summer, season of response; Fall, season of resolve; Winter, season of reflection. She takes each in turn and offers wise counsel on such things as finding joy in our children and where God has placed us, bringing our desires into line with God's will, building our house, discipling our children. She uses examples from her experience of raising four children and writes like a good friend or older sister.

One chapter I found especially helpful was on the importance of praying for our children. How easy it is to be anxious about how our kids will turn out, whether they will love God and know to do the right thing, worrying about if we are doing enough to make this happen. Instead we should divert our energies from worry into prayer: not only is this the most important thing we can do for our children, but God will use it to bring us peace. Sally writes:

The more time I spend with my Father in prayer, the better prepared I will be to help my children. And even more important, the more I can rest in the Lord knowing, by faith, that my children are in his hands. When I can trust in God's providence, draw on his grace, join in the spiritual battle through prayer, and praise his name, all the other things I do as a mother seem to pale in significance. The more I grow as a mother, the more I grow convinced that the most important impact I will ever have on my children will be through my prayers for them.

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen to my knees out of exhaustion, tiredness, or frustration. But no matter what has brought me to my knees, that is right where God wants me. It is only from being on my knees in prayer that I will have the strength and assurance to stand up and keep going as a mother. The battle belongs to the Lord. Amen!

I whole-heartedly recommend this book. Whether you happen to be home-schooling or not, it will encourage you in your motherhood mission.

The Blue Ridge Mountains

You light up the heavens with just one word,
You measure the mountains in Your hand;
Yet You treasure the broken and make them whole,
You crown us with Your love

Lord You are an Amazing God

(From Lord You are an Amazing God by Phatfish, on the album Guaranteed)

From Jeremiah Burroughs

A great quote from The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment (which I'm slowly making my way through!), for when we are struggling for contentment in the circumstances God has put us in:

The difference between what a godly man has and a wicked man, is this: a godly man is as a child in an inn, an inn-keeper has his child in the house, and provides his diet, and lodging, and what is needful for him. Now a stranger comes, and he has dinner and supper provided, and lodging, but the stranger must pay for everything. It may be that the child's fare is meaner than the fare of the stranger; the stranger has boiled and roast and baked, but he must pay for it, there must come a reckoning for it. Just so it is: many of God's people have only mean fare, but God as a Father provides it, and it is free of cost, they need not pay for what they have, it is paid for before; but the wicked in all their pomp, and pride, and finery: they have what they ask for, but there must come a reckoning for everything, they must pay for all at the conclusion, and is it not better to have a little free of cost, than to have to pay for everything? Grace shows a man that what he has, he has free of cost, from God as from a Father, and therefore it must needs be very sweet.

10 Questions for Pastors' Wives

Today we continue with our series 10 Questions for Pastors' Wives interviewing Alison Hamilton. Alison is married to Scott Hamilton who is senior pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel, a new church plant in Glasgow, Scotland.

1. What do you think is your most important responsibility as a pastor's wife?

To be a good wife - to love and submit to our husbands and therefore to God. Ephesians 5v22-24

2. Is there anything that you think is not part of your role that others may assume is?

Can't think of anything specifically that people have assumed that is part of my role!

3. What boundaries have you established in order to protect your marriage and family life?

I think this has been more relevant for Scott - he tries to make sure that we are in together one evening, he would be fairly clear that people don't think they can just pop in anytime they fancy to our house. I Probably need to make sure I watch my tongue - not to be grumbling and complaining about Scott.... not that I ever would!! - It is not a helpful or Godly example to set.

4. How do you apply Galatians 6:2 ("Carry each other's burdens") when facing difficulties or frustrations in ministry?

In prayer and encouragement from God's word.

5. Where do you and your husband find your own pastoral care?

From other pastors and their wives who are friends.

6. How do you deal with criticism of you or your husband?

We need to exam the criticism for a grain of truth, then hand it over to the Lord recognising that he is control of all things and that he probably wants to grow me in my understanding of his love and forgiveness which he expects me to mirror in return to the source of the criticism even if it is untrue or unfair.

7. What is the greatest blessing and what the greatest burden of being a pastor's wife?

Seeing people grow in their walks with the Lord, especially my husband, and the encouragement that is. Greatest burden - frustration of seeing people make unwise choices and the effects that they can have on others.

8. Are there any books you would recommend that you've found particularly helpful as a pastor’s wife?

I don't think I've ever actually read a book about being a pastors wife - but as I think the most important thing about being a pastors wife is being a good and godly wife - some helpful marriage books are- Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci and When sinners say I do by Dave Harvey.

9. What one piece of advice would you pass on to a new pastor's wife?

Someone said to me and a bunch of pastors and wives recently that we should make sure that our marriages are the best in the church - so invest in your marriage - recognise that you are both sinners but have a great Saviour, that submission, forgiveness and humility are God's way and although difficult at times and certainly not cultural responses - due to the pride in our hearts will bring God's peace. That God is always sovereign and in control - even when things seem like they are spiraling out of control and that God's ways are not being honoured - he has his plans and purposes in all situations which are far more complex than we can ever understand or see.

10. How can the other women in a congregation best support you practically and in prayer?

By being in a healthy discipling, accountable relationships with some of them. That they would encourage me in my walk with the Lord to know love God more to pray 2 Thessalonians 1 v 11-12, also in my marriage - to love and serve my husband and family.

10 Questions for Pastors' Wives

A little while back, Nicki's husband Colin had a series on his blog called "10 Questions for Expositors". We have unashamedly stolen his idea and have sent a set of questions to a number of pastors' wives. The aim of this is to inspire and encourage women who are married to a pastor or to a seminary student. Also we want to give other women an insight into the challenges that pastors' wives face so we can better encourage and pray for those in leadership.

So let's start things off with our first pastor's wife! My dear friend Melissa ministers along side her husband Mike, who is Associate Pastor at Uptown Church, Charlotte, NC. Here are her responses:

1. What do you think is your most important responsibility as a pastor's wife?

Truthfully, my most important responsibility is to abide in Christ, keeping Him always first in my heart.

2. Is there anything that you think is not part of your role that others may assume is?

Hopefully, they don’t want me to sing! : ) The reality is that I can never be all things to all people. Whenever people expect you to fill all their needs (what can only be done in Christ), ultimately you will fail. That has been a tough lesson for me – letting go of what other people think I should be doing and do what Christ has called me to do. Also, learning to value people’s insight, but let go of their opinions.

3. What boundaries have you established in order to protect your marriage and family life?

The first: daily time with the Lord. If this boundary is established, I really believe all the other boundaries will fall into place.

The second boundary: all commitments should be done for God’s glory, not man’s approval. There is always more ministry to be done. We should labor with all diligence, but for God’s glory, not our own.

4. How do you apply Galatians 6:2 ("Carry each other's burdens") when facing difficulties or frustrations in ministry?

My husband is my best friend. When I’m frustrated, he listens. When he’s frustrated, I listen. Also, in the listening trying to speak the truth lovingly. Giving calm advice to one another that encourages peace within the body.

5. Where do you and your husband find your own pastoral care?

This has been difficult for us at times. What I can say with all truthfulness is that God provides the care we need, just when we need it. It has come from people in our church, books we have read, sermons on line… He provides in a variety of ways.

6. How do you deal with criticism of you or your husband?

I attempt to deal with it patiently and lovingly. Many criticisms are misunderstandings, so I try to listen to what they are saying. For other criticisms, it is always good to be open to our need to change, as well as the fact that our husbands are not perfect.

7. What is the greatest blessing and what the greatest burden of being a pastor's wife?

Greatest blessing – getting to spend our lives building Christ’s kingdom. It really is an honor to get to do the work of the gospel full time.

Greatest challenge – loneliness… not from being with people, but from being understood by people. It is a very different life from most of my friends, so at times I feel the loneliness of that.

8. Are there any books you would recommend that you've found particularly helpful as a pastor’s wife?

True Woman, Susan Hunt; When Life & Belief Collide, Carolyn James; Anything by Elisabeth Elliot; Suffering & the Sovereignty of God, Various Authors, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor.

9. What one piece of advice would you pass on to a new pastor's wife?

You can only minister to others what you know to be true yourself. Know the Lord.

10. How can the other women in a congregation best support you practically and in prayer?

Praying for our marriage and children. Praying that the Lord would keep us from temptation and allow us to live lives set apart that bring Him glory. Pray that He would keep us faithful in all things with what He has entrusted to us.

Audio for Pastor's Wives

Recently at the 2009 Sovereign Grace Pastor's Conference two seminars were given for pastor's wives that are worth listening to.

• The Pastor’s Wife and Culture: What Feminism Has Done to Femininity by Carolyn McCulley.
• The Pastor’s Wife and Ministry Opportunities: Five Great Deals She Won’t Want to Miss by Carolyn Mahaney.