Please don't stand so close to me!

Despite my hardened cynical exterior, deep inside I have the heart of a social butterfly. Really. I enjoy chatting with people, when they aren't being stupid idiots, and the confines of the exam room don't usually provide cause for me to feel like my personal space is being impinged upon.

That said, life is full of exceptions, isn't it?

I wish I could post a sign on my door listing the expectations I have. To gain entry to my exam room, you must be:

1. Fully clothed. If it requires bikini waxing to prevent hair from curling up above your waistband, you are not fully clothed. If I can see your areaolae, you are not fully clothed. If I can describe the fabric and color of your undergarments, you are not fully clothed.

2. Reasonably clean. This isn't to say that I mind good clean DIRT, or anything. Accumulated layers of human sweat and filth that has not been showered off in who knows how long is another thing entirely. If you've been in the garden just prior to your visit, fine. If you've been gardening all summer and you haven't showered since Easter, step off.

3. Hands-off. You must be able to control yourself. If you feel compelled to touch everything within a 4 foot radius, including my vaccine refrigerator, my otoscope cones, my prize bandage scissors, and even my own personal body - you can't come in. Go away.

4. A Pet Owner: At this point in my life, I really do not have time to talk to you unless you have a pet. I do not want to be on TV. I do not want to be in the newspaper. I do not want to do a presentation at your 8-year-old's school. If you are in the pre-purchasing phase and you are serious about finding a vet in advance - ok, yes, I will speak with you. But if you are just here to "interview" me for your own personal benefit, guess what? I am totally not interested.

What are your exam room entry rules??