Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

8/06/2009

New Family Leave Policy - Have Family? Please Leave

"Our health insurer, after receiving our most recent check for premiums, has asked us to expand our Family Leave program. If you have a family, please leave."

from a phony layoff memo, the latest by "Jeremy Blachman, the founder of the Anonymous Lawyer blog, author of a (very funny) novel of the same name, and a past contributor to the [WSJ] Law Blog (here, here), [who] gives his humorous take today on the past 18 months or so in the world of BigLaw."

6/22/2009

Widow of Murdered Fly Sues

WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of shit.

"Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."

Read more in this iowahawk post, found via this post from overlawyered.

1/04/2008

a Tax Disclaimer for My Next Life

Please note hereby that, in accordance with archaic and arcane federal and state standards, policies, procedures and regulations, which may or may not be applicable, as the case may be, or not to be, Anthony Cerminaro does not offer any advice on personal or impersonal tax questions, requirements or issues. On sports, relationships and merry making - perhaps - but not on taxes.

Anything resembling useful tax-related information you receive via this website, or otherwise appertaining or pursuant thereto, is accidental, and provided for general, hypothetical and philosophical purposes only, and does not represent tax advice either express, local or implied. And you certainly may not use the said same for any unwholesome purposes.

You are encouraged to seek professional help, er, I mean, tax advice for income tax questions and assistance.

12/11/2007

Hannukah Christmas Merger Announced

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hannukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hannukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the fifteen days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel currently in hebrew, will be replaced by latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "a great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the U.S. holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

(An oldie but a goodie...redux)

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6/21/2007

Sorry Gotta Go

The Web site SorryGottaGo.com offers a collection of audio clips to help people get off the phone with telemarketers. Hilarious. Thanks to Jim Calloway's Law Practice Tips Blog for the link to the site, which you will find on his blog.

This gives me an idea for how to deal with a perennial question I receive, "Can you spell your last name?" Of course I can. With a click on my computer linking to a recording of the spelling, you will also be able to.

4/07/2007

Razzle Dazzle 'em with the Chewbacca Defense

"The Chewbacca defense is a fictional legal strategy used in the South Park episode "Chef Aid", which premiered on October 7, 1998 as the fourteenth episode of the second season. The concept satirized attorney Johnnie Cochran's closing argument defending O.J. Simpson in his murder trial. "Chewbacca Defense", meaning a defense consisting solely of nonsensical arguments meant to confuse a jury, has since been occasionally applied outside of references to South Park...

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.

In the episode, Chef discovers that Alanis Morissette's (fictional) hit song "Stinky Britches" is the same as a song he wrote years ago, before he abandoned his musical aspirations. Chef contacts a "major record company" executive, seeking only to have his name credited as the composer of "Stinky Britches." Chef's claim is substantiated by a twenty-year-old recording of Chef performing the song.

The record company refuses, and furthermore hires Johnnie Cochran, who files a lawsuit against Chef for harassment. In court, Cochran resorts to his "famous" Chewbacca Defense, which he "used during the Simpson trial", according to Gerald Broflovski.

'Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

Gerald Broflovski: Dammit!

Chef: What?

Gerald: He's using the Chewbacca Defense!

Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.'"
From Chewbacca defense - Wikipedia. For a similar take on the application of Chicago(the musical)-style courtroom strategy see Bush Administration Reveals Core Strategy: Razzle-Dazzle 'em

3/13/2007

A Coloring Book for Lawyers

A friend sent Coloring Book for Lawyers to me. Because a pain shared is halved and joy shared is doubled, I thought I would share this with you.

12/05/2005

The Carbolic Smoke Ball: Funnier than the Onion?

The Carbolic Smoke Ball is a blog from one Judge Rufus Peckham in the style of the Onion, but, funnier (so claims a recent post with which I must agree). Just having the headlines show up in my rss reader ordinarily makes me smile. Some examples of headlines from recent "stories."

Lego Forced To Vacate World Headquarters Because Plastic Floors Can't Support Weight Of Employees
First 'Face Transplant' Patient Slips Out Of Hospital Without Paying Bill -- Because No One Recognized Her
Venus De Milo To Get Breast Enlargement To Boost Crowds At The Louvre
Ex-People's Court Judge Wapner Brought In To Speed Saddam Hussein Trial To Conclusion; Verdict Expected In 15 Minutes
FDA Recalls Insecticide "Raid" Because Of High Incidence Of Life-Threatening Disease In Insects
MIT Study Shows That Heat At Adequate Temperatures Can Prevent Freezing
Company Hits It Big Publishing Physician Waiting Room Magazines That Appear To Be Outdated
Most Hate Crimes Driven By Loathing And Detestation
Ted Williams' Head Thawed Out For Annual Press Conference

12/19/2004

If Holiday Greetings Were Politically Correct End User License Agreements

From Ed Foster's Gripelog || If Holiday Greetings Were EULAs.

"By accepting this greeting you are accepting the terms of the greeting and all responsibility associated with it. This greeting is subject to clarification and/or revocation at any time at the discretion of the wisher. This greeting is non-transferable without the express written consent of the wisher. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or for others..."

Via J-Walk Blog

10/01/2004

Friday Funny Business

Links for your enjoyment

A Night at the Opera a Day at the WeinerDogRaces

Cap'n Crunch and the other Cartoon Boat Veterans for Truth

Yinz need helped with yer Pittsburghese 'n'at? Fine aht up 'ere an' up air

Working hard and other surefire ways to get fired

9/24/2004

Friday Go Lightly

"Has everyone in America ever agreed about anything? Yes, and his name was Frank Fontaine." So states Larry Miller in this article about the old Jackie Gleason show titled "Hiya, Mr. Dunnaghy." Miller recalls the weekly barroom sketch in which Gleason would play the gregarious bartender:

"Then the best part. Gleason would pause and say, "What's that, Mr. Dunnaghy? Oh, he's in the back, I'll call him out. Hey, Craz'!" And the applause would start again, even bigger.

"Craz'" was a hugely popular character named "Crazy Guggenheim," played by Frank Fontaine, and he was, well, crazy. In fact, he might have been a drunk, too. Remember, I'm talking about the character, not the man.

The joke of "Crazy Guggenheim" was that for one reason or another he was impaired, maybe even mentally disabled, or as the blunter times used to say, retarded. Would that be funny today? I don't know. Dudley Moore was fabulous in Arthur, but "Crazy" wasn't rich, in fact just the opposite, he was a mass of rags.

He was funny. Oh, he was funny. "Crazy" would shamble out and stumble over, and in the sweetest, happiest way, say, "Oh, hiya, Joe. Hiya, Mr. Dunnaghy-hee-hee-hee-hee." The same every week, like everything else, and the same reactions: howls; applause.

But that's still not the part I'm talking about. Joe and Crazy would go into a few jokes in the timeless, vaudevillian structure (used so well by Burns and Allen, among others) where one partner tries to get a logical response from the other, who is sweet and willing, but not that bright. (Another running gag with Crazy was when Joe asked him about his friend, "Flootchey Tooley." "Flootchey Tooley?!" Crazy would repeat exuberantly, and spit in Joe's eye doing it. Gleason would wipe the eye theatrically--never angrily, by the way--and the bit would continue.)

That was the point in the sketch where Joe would say, "Hey, Craz', how about a song? Put a dime in number fifteen, huh?" "Okay, Joe," Crazy would agree, but the applause that was already rising blocked it out. Crazy would waddle over to the juke box, still demented, push a button, and return to the bar.

But as the music swelled, the most extraordinary transformation took place. He'd take his worn hat off, the brim turned up in front (like Carney's, come to think of it), place it gently on the bar, and his face would change completely. A new soul would fill him, and he became a different person; himself, as it turns out. For every week on The Jackie Gleason Show, at the same moment, in the same sketch, when Frank Fontaine came out of character and opened his mouth, you knew he was about to sing the most beautiful song you'd ever heard."

Read the rest of article here

9/17/2004

TGIF Fun Stuff

Moove on over to the The Ultimate Build Your Own Cow Page! which as Denise Howell points out, needs no further explanation.

Then check out Fun Invention Facts from Inventor's Digest. An example:

"Did You Know that Robert Adler has the dubious distinction of being the Father of the Couch Potato? Back in 1955 Adler was employed by what was then Zenith Radio Corp., where he was charged to invent something that would allow viewers to turn down the TV volume without leaving their chairs. After a series of flops (such as a wired contraption that people tripped over), Adler hit on the idea of using sound waves. Thus the Remote Control was born . . . and some viewers haven't moved since!"

And don't forget that Sunday, September 19 is Talk Like A Pirate Day

Ahoy Mateys and Avast You Land Lubbers and Have a great weekend.

9/04/2004

Office Humor Links

From ishouldbeworking.com:

"All work and no play is boring, stressful, and unhealthy. Check out these great websites that poke fun at the rat race in one way or another (or at least give you something to do while you're on break)."

9/02/2004

Court Considers Nutkin the Squirrel Case

From an AP report inYahoo! News:

"Will Nutkin become 'squirrel stew,' as a judge put it, or continue to live with her owners on their 77-acre spread in Schuylkill County? The fate of the gray squirrel rests with a panel of state Superior Court judges, who heard arguments Tuesday on whether she can be legally kept as a pet. "

Via Notes from the (Legal) Underground