processing

My heart is broken. It's literally aching in my chest. So many questions swirling, so much confusion, so. much. heartache. One question keeps floating to the top...Why?

Why do innocent people keep dying?
Why are we doing NOTHING to stop it!?
Why can't we come to a decision on how to stop it?
Why are some people more concerned with a perceived threat to their "liberty" than a very real, very obvious, very dangerous threat to EVERYONE?
Why are people so willing and eager to say "People will always find a way to break the law so there's no use in trying to fix it. Oh well. Better them than me."?

Then once I attempt to process the heartache the anger sets in. The "red haze" Husband calls it. More whys:

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING SELFISH??
WHY AFTER ONE OR TWO ACTIONS BY A FEW "BAD PEOPLE" CAN WE BAN BOX CUTTERS AND LIQUID ON AIRPLANES, BUT WE CAN'T REGULATE SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AFTER DOZENS OF "BAD PEOPLE" HAVE CAUSED HUNDREDS OF MASS SHOOTINGS SINCE 2000?
WHY ARE WE OK WATCHING INNOCENT PEOPLE DIE AT AN ALARMING RATE?!
WHY CAN'T WE ALL RESPECT AND RECOGNIZE OUR DIFFERENCES ARE WHAT MAKE US GREAT?
WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOME TO FOCUS ON THEMSELVES AND TO STOP FORCING THEIR BELIEFS ON OTHERS?
WHY ARE YOUR "RIGHTS" MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE?!
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SPECIAL?
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON REMAINING THE PROBLEM RATHER THAN THE SOLUTION!?

BE THE SOLUTION. BE THE HELPER-NOT THE HINDERER.

This has to stop. I don't want to live in fear. People should be able to go to school, work, church, the movies, a club, or pump gas and not have to worry about being gunned down. Wondering if there will be a shooting at their children's school is not something ANY mother should have to worry about-we shouldn't have to be teaching our CHILDREN what to do in the event a shooter shows up at their school. When shooting drills are happening more than fire drills you know we are FAILING. AMERICA IS FAILING. How are we going to teach the next generation to be better when we are so busy fighting we can't agree there's a HUGE PROBLEM and work together to FIX THIS?

I am only one person; but that will not stop me. I will be the change I want to see, and I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING.

grief

You know, grief is an interesting thing. My Grandma Fox passed away yesterday, and all I feel right now is--relief. Well that and guilt.

When she fell in May and broke her hip part of me knew that was the beginning of the end. Although I wish I hadn't let family discord and drama keep me away from her I will forever be grateful for the time I was able to spend with her in her hospital room-just the two of us, holding her hand and telling her that I loved her. I remember her telling me that this wasn't quality of life and she was so upset she couldn't paint or write or do any of the things she loved so much anymore. With tears in my eyes I told her if she felt it was time to go that it was ok. We would all be sad, but we would be ok. Holding her hand and reading her "To Kill A Mockingbird" so she could sleep, and her waking up just long enough for me to hug her and tell her I loved her as I was leaving will forever be one of my most cherished memories.

As much as I will miss my spitfire piss and vinegar Grandmother all I can think of is now she is free of the body that has limited her for so long; for that I am relieved and grateful. 

While I am sad I haven't shed a tear and can only be relieved that my grandmother's illness (a huge source of family drama and contention) is now gone I can't help but wonder if feeling these things make me heartless?

To be honest I am hurting more watching my father grieve the loss of his mother.

I can't help but think back to seven years ago when my family lost my Uncle Gregg and how different that grieving process was. It was completely out of nowhere and struck me so deep to my core I had to leave work that day as all I could do was sit at my desk and cry, and I still have a hard time speaking about him without shedding tears. This time I had time to prepare and I knew why my dad was calling before I even picked up the phone, and I was able to finish my work day undistracted. I am able to speak about her with happiness and fondness. There are no tears to be had here.


That may change on Friday when I see her sleeping one last time, but for right now all I can think is that I am so happy she is free.

pressure

Yep. Pretty much sums up my day (and life) as of late.

What a great song.

to forgive divine?

I have a past. Everyone does. What do you do when a part of your long-gone-almost forgotten past comes-a-knocking?

In High School I had a "friend". Then I called him my "best friend". Looking back now I know he was anything but...wait, that’s not fair. He had moments when he was a good friend and even lived up to the title I had bestowed on him, but they were few and far between…but maybe I’m saying that now because my view is marred…anyway.

Since meeting as Sophomores he had a thing for me and he always wanted me to give him a chance romantically. Finally during our Senior year of High School I agreed to take our friendship to the next level. It ‘worked’ for about two weeks…until he cheated on me. Well, I say we were just in a fight that hadn't been resolved when he cheated, he says we were broken up. Tomato tomahto. After that we went back to being friends and there was a lot of back and forth-he wanted me when he couldn’t have me, wasn’t interested when I was, etc. After a while I decided to stop the insanity, take the romantic card off the table, and just be friends again because his home life wasn't that great and I knew he needed a good friend above all else. 

I’ll spare you the details, but a lot happened in the time following our break up. As my 'friend' he continued to break my heart. Sometimes he cared he had, but most of the time he didn’t. The best word I can use to describe him is cavalier. In the years following High School he was in and out of my life-him telling me he had changed and he was going to be a better friend, me foolishly believing him and subsequently having my heart broken. He was still the king of wanting me when he couldn’t have me and completely disinterested when I would make myself available in a romantic regard. I allowed him to manipulate me and I missed out on other great opportunities as a result. By the time I was twenty I was over it and ended the friendship for good. I made myself clear that I was done being used and I had no interest in being a part of his life again—ever. I thought it was a clean break. I thought I would be free to go on with my life as normal. I thought wrong.

The first time he tried to get back in touch with me was a couple years after I ended things. We shared a mutual friend, I’ll call her A — but I should say friend is a generous word. He was about as good a friend to A as he was to me—so he quickly became an acquaintance to her. Because she’s a good person she humored him and played messenger. A refused to let him know anything about me-contact info, where I was, and what I was doing. She was my gatekeeper and I wanted it that way.  This happened almost every two to three years like clock work-I would start to feel confident he wouldn't try again, only to find another half-hearted, cocky attempt waiting for me in my in-box, or a text from A saying he had called again looking to get in touch with me. I had so much latent anger and hurt from him that I was still trying to process, and I had NO DESIRE to have him in my life, yet I couldn't seem to shake him. To me he was poison, and above all else I was still angry at myself for letting him make a fool out of me time after time when all I ever wanted from him was the friendship I so freely and unconditionally gave to him. Then he stopped trying to reach me. I thought he had finally clued in and that I was free of him hassling me.

When Myspace became a big thing he searched me out and tried again to contact me. He caught me off guard so my filters failed me. I let him have it. Eight years of latent hurt, anger, resentment, all came raining down on him in that email. He got it all. I took pot shots. I didn’t care. I wanted him to KNOW how much he hurt me, and I wanted him to hurt like I had all those times. I held all the cards, and we both knew it, so there were no holds barred. I had nothing to lose, and he had everything to gain if I let him back in my life. Once again I told him no way and to leave me alone. And he did. Until Monday morning.

Although I keep my Facebook as locked down as possible, I still make my profile searchable (what's the point of being on social networking if you refuse to be social? Just because someone can request my friendship doesn't mean I'm obligated to accept it...) He found me. He apologized and asked me for forgiveness. He even asked for the opportunity to earn my friendship back and get to know me again. His other letters were always so cocky, so self-centered, so much about how hard it's been for him, how horrible he has felt all these years, how he needed me in his life. He never worried about what his actions had done to me. This one felt grown-up, not at all about him, and shockingly enough it feels sincere. It's been two days and I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. My decision would have been easy had his most recent email been half as phony as the other ones, but it wasn't. I think I've processed the anger and hurt and have started to genuinely forgive him, but I don't know if I need him in my life the way he clearly thinks he needs me since he keeps making the effort to contact me. He lost my trust a long time ago. I also know people can change, but I have been burned too many times by this person. I am not willing to give him a chance to hurt me again, and sometimes the past is best left in the past. Even as I'm writing this I realize how much it sounds like a battered wife, and that right there should be my answer. I think more than anything I'm afraid of being a bad person. I want to take the high road on all of this and be able to stand before the Lord and account with a clear conscience, but I am older, wiser, less trusting, and admittedly more cynical then I was all those years ago. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I know I don't trust him, but I know I need to forgive him. I'm trying, but because those scars are so deep they have taken a VERY long time to heal and I don't know if I have actually forgiven him or just become indifferent to the whole thing.  

IF I decide to give him a chance, it will be on my terms, not his. He will earn every millimeter he is given, and I will have zero tolerance for slip-ups. One thing and it's done. I have done just fine without having him in my life. He will have a very short leash with very limited access to me. He will not have my cell number, email, or know where I live. All his contact will be restricted to his very limited access to my profile on Facebook.  Even knowing all of this I'm still very hesitant. Mr Wonderful said to do what I'm comfortable with and he'll support me no matter what. Is my intuition telling me not to do this or are my past experiences with this person clouding my judgement here?

mr holland

When I was 15 I saw “Mr. Holland’s Opus”. I was moved by the love and dedication he had and hoped that one day I would be able to have a teacher touch my life the way Mr. Holland touched the lives of so many. Little did I know my wish was going to come true.

Later that year I started my Sophomore year at Cottonwood and I was introduced to Mr. Frohm. Mr Frohm taught band and orchestra and I was lucky enough to have him as my teacher.

Although I had been “playing” the flute since I was 11 I was no prodigy. Frankly I was horrible. But rather than belittle me and make me feel completely inept like his successor would do Mr. Frohm encouraged me to always keep playing-and he didn’t hesitate to show his disappointment that I didn’t continue playing the following year when I saw him at the Holiday Concert as a member of the choir rather than playing in the band. He stressed that loving music and having FUN playing music was far more important than being perfect. He had an uncanny resemblance to Richard Dreyfuss and because of this he was affectionately known to most of us as “Mr. Holland”.

I have many fond memories of Pep Band, Concert Band, and numerous classes. Memories filled with his infectious laugh, the good-natured joke at many a drum player’s expense, and mostly the love of music he gave to everyone.

Unfortunately for me Mr. Frohm took a promotion with the Granite School District at the end of my Sophomore year so I was only able have him as a teacher for one year. When I look back at my High School career, the one year I had in his class is still what stands out to me most.

In 2008 I ran into him at a production of “South Pacific” where he was Conducting the orchestra. I am so grateful I took the opportunity to go say hello and tell him “thank you”. Had I known it would be the last time I would speak with him I probably would have been more eloquent.

Sadly last week Mr. Frohm lost his battle with cancer and returned home to our Heavenly Father. As sad as this makes me-both for the loss of a great man, but also the pain his family is experiencing right now, I know he’s up there, playing his trumpet and cracking jokes. "Mr. Holland's Opus" is still my favorite movie to this day-I'm sure that's in large part to my being able to say I had my own Mr. Holland.

I love you Mr. Frohm and you will be missed by many. Maybe I’ll pull out my flute tonight and play him a song or two. :)

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/deseretnews/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=146169163