Luvbug and me..... something great has happened.

Over a year since I was last here. A lot has happened... Here is the biggest thing:

 

A cat appeared, and let me pick her up. She went to sleep on the cuff of my sleeve. She nestled down and snoozed... so she got into a lot of the photo's! I late found out that she lived at the venue and her name is Marmaduke. In this picture, guests are blowing bubbles over us, as confetti wasn't allowed.

 

25th October 2013
Layer Marney Tower, nr. Colchester
Bob and Dilly were our ring-bearers



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Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

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Playing nursey today, as Luvbug had to have sedation this morning, to have an impacted wosdom tooth removed :o 

-he was  totally stoned for hours afterwards! He doesn't remember any of it, and he was only under for a little while- in and out in ten minutes. I couldn't believe how fast they were!

 

I am officially his 'responsible adult', as in had to see him home and look after him. Hahaha! It's almost as bad as when I was called a 'mature student'- yeah, right! LOL

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Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

Another milestone

3 months, exactly, today. Monday, 17th September....... Monday, 17th December. 

Scooter, I miss you like the birds miss the leaves. 

I read that you can literally die from a broken heart. Look it up; something to do with weakening of the walls of the heart. It can be caused by grief, stress. It's why one spouse's death sometimes follows very quickly after the other. 

I cannot kill myself. The mess it would leave behind, I can't do it. So. I am willing myself to die. I am willing my heart to fail.

Yesterday I did a little gardening. Trimmed a few things, cut back some deadwood. A robin was singing very loudly. He's often around. He would sing when I sat with Scooter on his bench. He was singing nearby on the morning we buried him. 

I stopped what I was doing and sat down, and listened. In my mind, I told him that he sang beautifully. He came nearer and ate some suet I'd thrown about for him. After he'd gone I just sat in the quiet. In one hand I had the bag of cuttings. In the other were the secateurs. I wondered if they would be sharp enough to take the vein in my neck. I couldn't even remember the name of it. My head is on such a low gear lately. It was a while before I remembered; the jugular. Yes, that's it. Would it be enough? A quick stab. 

I thought of Luvbug. He had gone to the shops to get me some chocolate and some painkillers, and more cold remedies for himself. I pictured coming back to find my body on the ground, and all the blood. No. Can't do it, see. Can't scar him like that. He doesn't deserve that.

So I sit up late nights, hoping to hear Scooter. I hear him less and less now. It's like losing him again.  

Farewell, my friend. Go on your way if you must. Come see me when you can, promise me, come by sometime.

Meanwhile, nothing holds any light any more. 
It's as though the world is no longer 3D.
All is flat. All meaningless.
  
Life goes on, someone said to me. Ah yes, it does. It plods on. And I am doing my **best** to go along with things day to day. Be OK on the outside. Automatic pilot. But on the inside, I have gone.

Time....

I first heard this song when I was little, and dad was home, playing a Louis Armstrong album full whack. Only Dad had access to the record player, and as he was away in the Navy most of the time, this meant it didn't get used much. I don't know if the prohibition came from him, or if mum was just terrified of the repercussions should we scratch one of the records. But it was out of bounds. Hence, musical memories are wrapped up with my dad. 

Anyway. THIS one is a favourite. 
But.... this version isn't Louis Armstrong. 
Listen to it first, and see if you can guess who it is. 
If you've seen the movie The Jacket, you'll have come across it before. 
Answer at the foot of this post. 
Enjoy.......... 


Meanwhile..........


It has been five weeks since Scooter passed...

I have never been this long without holding him.
I still cry EVERY DAY.
Like I said before, the crying doesn't lessen, it goes deeper, into big sobs.

I am up most nights because I don't want to let it out too much during the day...

...I wrote a lot more here but deleted it. You don't need ot be reading about all that....

Up till now it's been like Scooter is away. At the vet's, maybe. Or perhaps he is living elsewhere. The missing part has been painful, but accompanied by a sense that it will end. Suddenly it has hit me that it won't end. That this is it, and I can't hold him any more, or give him chinny rubs, or cuddle and scrunch him out of a grump into a reluctant, but growing, purr.
My baby's gone.
His absence is like a shadow with no object to cast it. It's physical, but untouchable. 

I'm consulting a pet bereavement counseller. Should hear in the next week or so. I'll post again after that. 

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**PS... did you get it? It was Iggy Pop singing the song ;)**

OK so which of these three groups do you fall into now then?

(1)- yeah I knew that

(2)- OMG Iggy Pop???? Really???? Good grief! Well, well, well....

(3)- Who?

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Love, tea & cake,  
Helena