Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

Wednesday 31 December 2014

Looking through rose coloured glasses

This is one of my favourite times of the year.



And the food may have something to do with it all 
You know, the lazy summer days between Christmas and New Year when you are still on holiday, still in the festive mood and still refusing to wear anything other than clothes made of the stretchiest of fabrics.

Of course we all know that the fun and games will end in tears. Like on that first day back to work when none of your clothes will zip up but hey, we are living for today not tomorrow, right?

Christmas was great. Great weather, great company, great food and Santa was kind.

Christmas Eve, on the other hand, was rubbish with a capital R.

On the way to my daughter's place for Christmas I stopped off at a hardware store to pick up some garden items. While there, and after walking the length and breadth of the store several times, I popped into the cafĂ© for a quick lunch. As I heartily bit into a Cajun chicken wrap I heard a loud crunch......... mmmm, that would have been one of my teeth. Oh @#%$!!!

Alright, I can hear you shouting from over there, "Who goes to a hardware store for lunch?" "What kind of hardware do they put in their wraps?"

I know, I hear you, but I was really, really hungry.

I quickly phoned my daughter and thankfully she was able to book an emergency appointment with her dentist for later that afternoon. When I arrived at her home, I took off my shoes and lay on the lounge consumed with self pity.   Ten minutes later I sat bolt upright when I heard my daughter's screams. Stella, her eight month old puppy, had taken my sandal outside and was enthusiastically chewing on it as if it was her favourite bone. We managed to save the shoe before it was totally ruined.


She may have eaten my shoe in retaliation for being dressed like a reindeer so I guess I can't be too mad
Which, was just as well given I was due at the dentist in less than an hour. I now had one and a half  shoes and no others to wear. My daughter couldn't help because not only was she laughing hysterically but her feet are two sizes smaller than mine. Talk about the ugly step sister trying to fit into Cinderella's shoes. It was just not going to happen.

So, when I arrived at the dentist I had to explain not only why I had a broken tooth but also why I had a broken shoe. He must have been high on laughing gas based on his reaction. Thank goodness I am not easily humiliated.

I just choose to ignore the obvious sometimes and put on my rose coloured glasses.

There are always unexpected challenges and life is very good at throwing us curveballs, large and small, to stop us in our tracks. Who knows what 2015 will bring.  2014 was a happy year for me. I tried very hard to live in the present, not the future or that dreaded past which has consumed my life for too many years. I am getting good at accepting whatever comes  - the good, the bad, the indifferent. It is what it is. We do what we have to do and keep walking even if we have to crawl sometimes.

Noooooo, I have not started drinking for New Years yet.....I am serious.  Acceptance is a beautiful thing.

Of course, the world around us continues to implode and leaves us all shaking our heads. It makes me more thankful for what I have and much less inclined to travel though. Yet still, the world comes to me through Airbnb. Over three months, I have had guests from Beijing, Shanghai, Paris, New York, Singapore, London, Cornwall and many more places. I have learnt so much from them and  best of all it has reinforced what I have known through blogging for years.

And that is that the majority of human beings are essentially the same no matter where we live, what our religion may happen to be or what our politics are. People are just good and decent.

So my friends, I wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year and I sincerely wish that 2015 will be wonderful for you and yours. I expect one of my resolutions for the coming year will be to write more posts and read more blogs. Who knows how that will go.

Now, I am off to the online Sales to buy some new shoes......sip champagne and bring in the New Year in style. Of course I am keeping my rose coloured glasses on in 2015. They are magic!






Monday 15 September 2014

Cleanliness is next to Dogliness thanks to Dettol

(A Giveaway with Dettol - CLOSED 30/9/2014) Winner Sancha Martin 
   
Stella spent the majority of her last Dog Obedience Class under the car.
 
She wasn't moving for anyone, even Elvis.
 
She finally crawled out just when the testing started. She trotted in, did what she had to do and was out of there again as quickly as she could.
 
Thank goodness that's over. 
 
Stella doesn't appreciate formal education it seems. I feel she may be the  practical kind.
 
So, we've been training her to do more useful things.....like cleaning. Seriously. Watch this fully grown Golden Retriever Grace clean.
 


 
Learning to pick up her toys is a start. This breed likes working which is just as well as she creates lots of work. While Stella is very cute she is also really messy. Muddy paw prints, weeds she has dragged in from the garden, dog hair on floors, furniture and clothes...... 
 
I have had to rethink how I clean. I have bought an electrostatic mop, lint brushes, hand sanitisers, and some different healthy cleaning products.
 
And luckily, a couple of weeks ago I was offered some Dettol products to try. Of course I jumped at the chance.

I've always used Dettol's soap and antiseptic but have never tried any of their other products. In fact, I didn't even know they had any other products.

As well as cleaning products Dettol has a range of good personal hygiene products which I was able to try.

I particularly liked the Dettol Hand Sanitiser. I thought I was fastidious about hand washing after that cruise I took... but now I am even moreso since Stella came to stay.
 
I am now just looking forward to the day when my cleaning lady grows up some more and learns everything she needs to know. You know, so she can really clean up her own mess and help out more.

A girl can dream. Watch this space.
 

 Grace, a role model Stella can aspire to be like one day.
(not a pic of Stella)
 

 GIVEAWAY ENTRY

I have a pack of Dettol Cleaning and Personal Hygiene Products (to the value of $120) to give away to one lucky commenter on this post. 
 
NO, the cleaning lady is not included. You will have to get your own.

Also, if anyone has any cleaning tips to pass on please do. I Stella could use them.
 
Note: Entry is open to all readers and the winner will be drawn using Random.org 
 You can comment about the post, leave a tip about cleaning, what you think about Dettol or just say Hi. If you do not have a Google account please include your email address in your comment so that I can contact you if you win. Entries close at 5pm AEST 30/9/2014

GIVEAWAY WINNER is Sancha (Martin?), 13th commenter. Drawn using Random.org 9pm 30/9/2014

 

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Puppy School Dropout

                                  

“You have to move faster than that”, Susan screamed as she panted breathlessly behind us, barking one order after another.
“Now wear something more appropriate next time as you will be doing a lot of crawling around the floor.”
“Your puppy is going to be one confused little girl if she is made to wear a blue collar. Get her a pink one.”
“You have to bring four different types of treats with you. They are just like us you know, they like a choice. ”

Really Susan? A choice?

I stopped to catch my breath and Susan caught up with me and grabbed my arm tightly.  Her gaze held mine and her flushed cheeks seemed to wobble with delight as she ran through her list of acceptable puppy treats.
Unfortunately I stopped listening at the point she mentioned “Kangaroo meat”. 
My mouth remained closed but that voice inside my head was speaking very loudly indeed, ’ I don’t really care how delicious a gaming meat you think it is Susan, I am not feeding a puppy one of our Nations most iconic animals. Eating Skippy? Absolutely not Susan.’

Puppy school is harder work than I thought. Keeping my mouth shut is even harder.
Although I can hardly disagree with Susan when she says, "everyone deserves a good start in life and to learn some manners".

It's only four sessions after all. I can do it….I just need to be on my best behaviour for a few weeks. Perhaps it might help if I have a gin and tonic or two right before classes start (my kind of treat Susan). 

Anyway, I think I am finally understand the meaning of the phrase...it's a dog's life.
Just last week the Vet recommended that Stella should be 'groomed' so that she would get used to it before she gets older. I just didn’t realise that 'grooming' meant a shampoo, cut, blow wave, and manicure.  Stella came prancing out of the RSPCA Pooch Parlour looking like a million dollars. Her blonde hair was silky, shining and smooth. I caught sight of my own dishevelled birds nest reflected in the glass window and, without thinking, asked if I could book myself in for the full works too…if only.

Uh oh Stella.....here comes Susan again….and she is heading our way.

“Oh Stella sweetie pie, tell Grandma she needs to do better than this, she is not running fast enough with you. C’mon Granny, faster, faster.” 

I growled and tried to quicken my pace but that voice in my head was now barking loudly at Susan.

'Just between you and me Susan, Stella is a DOG she cannot tell me anything. And Stella might be the one dragging me around the room but what's with the Granny business? Really Susan? Really?
Sure, we might both be big blondes and yes, I’ve been called a bitch many times but no-one Susan, and I mean no-one, has mistaken me as a close relative of a four legged animal. Ever.

Besides, do you know how hard it is to run around the room when your freaking dog is running in the other direction after Elvis, the little Chihuahua, who is a quarter of her size.  She will not leave him alone.  And look at tiny Jay Z - that dirty dawg. He is jumping on her back every chance he gets. You call this socialisation Susan? I call this violation.

I got the evidence Jay Z - just sayin'
Then, if all that wasn't enough, two mean looking little boxers chased Stella under the lounge and she refused to come out. No amount of pleading, bribing or crying on my part would get her out. I had to crawl under the lounge to drag her out. And Susan perhaps you do have a good point about wearing suitable clothing. It was all rather awkward in that tight skirt.




Suddenly there was a high pitched screech.  “It's time for pee pees, outside puppies". Susan bent down to Stella and squealed excitedly in a high pitched baby voice, “Ok sweetie petutti, time to go outside for pee pees.”  

"Excuse me Susan", I said in a firm voice. "Stella doesn’t know what you mean by 'pee pees'. The only command she knows is ‘go to toilet’.

And then without any hesitation whatsoever, Stella promptly pooped at Susan’s feet. Ooops……..big whoops Stella.

Not our finest moment but, on the upside, at least she obeyed one command during the whole night, well sort ofkind of, nearly.
Something tells me it's going to be a long four weeks……I wonder which one of us drops out first…..Susan, Stella or me. I am betting it’s me..because when I look at the faces of Stella and Susan they seem to be really, really enjoying themselves.




Monday 28 July 2014

The Downward Dog

After six months of giving my new house more makeovers than Joan Rivers has had facelifts, and fixating about all the maintenance issues, I  had to STOP and get some perspective.

So what did my daughter suggest? Yoga....Buddhist meditation....and...... would I mind looking after her dog for a while. 

Lovely as that girl is .......I somehow forgot to clarify how long 'a while' is.  

Meet Stella. 

A very busy little Golden Retriever who is doing a sterling job retrieving plants out of my pots. Which is really a bit of a shame given there are many weeds everywhere that could benefit from her skills.

However, I have managed to get my own back. Can you guess at what point in this photo chronology she came to stay with me?




Dress ups are so fun, no? Maybe this will hurry her owner up to come and collect her dog for fear of what "Nanna" is doing to her baby fairydog. She is cute though I will give her that. Plus my plants don't make me laugh out loud like she does.  

I hope, unlike my greenery, you are all well and thriving. 

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Just call me the Thief Whisperer

A Shocking Liar

Or Totally Paranoid

It all just depends on what you conclude after reading this post.

Graffiti aerosol artist Sofles's handiwork.
I have a bit of a love hate relationship with public transport. I see its value in cities but I just think that the people who really need it are often the ones who are the most at risk when using it.

This was really evident to me when I lived in Scotland. I often caught buses to get into Edinburgh from the little village I was living in. And I felt really sad about the large number of elderly people who had to catch the bus because it was the only way they could get out to do their shopping.

It took some of them a long time just to climb in and out of the bus. And then they often had to stand because younger people would not offer them a seat. They then had to try and hang on to something when the bus was braking constantly all the while juggling their walking sticks, shopping bags and trolleys. Anyway, to this day I really do not like to see elderly or vulnerable people travelling alone on public transport and I always keep a watchful eye out for them.

I personally have never had any cause for concern using public transport and I often use trains no matter which city I happen to be in.

On Saturday I caught a near deserted train into the City in the middle of the day.

I sat in the end seat in the "Quiet" carriage and noticed only two other passengers in the front of the carriage.

I kept my sunglasses on as the sun was shining brightly through the windows. I put my earphones in and sat back to have a relaxing journey listening to my favourite tunes.

After two stops, I saw four teenage boys step on board and walk towards me one after the other. The first boy walked straight through to the next carriage. The second boy sat down in the seat opposite me and said he was "going to stay put."

The third boy sat in the seat in front of him and the fourth sat next to me.

Of all the seats that were available in the carriage they chose to sit right on top of me.

I immediately became uncomfortable.

They talked amongst themselves for a minute or two before the young guy sitting next to me turned and asked, "Hey, what brands do you like lady?"

What brands do I like? Lady?

I told him that I was pretty sure that we would not like the same brands at all.

He looked about 15. He then started reeling off a list of brands such as Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, Nike etc as though he had learned it by rote.

"You know what I mean?" he asked.

I told him that sure I had heard of the brands but I was not into brands and they were way too expensive for me.

He turned to me and said, "Well you sure don't look like a lady that doesn't like brands. Look at you, you're wearing Prada sunglasses."

Truly, who notices brands?
They're quick I will give them that. Yes, I was indeed wearing Prada sunglasses but with my hair covering the logo.

I quickly told him that a friend got them for me in Thailand and they were knock offs (lie). Instinctively I held onto my bag and phone a little tighter.

I took off my glasses and held them in front of me and said loudly. "They're great don't you think? Just like the real thing. Maybe you could get the brands you like over there for next to nothing too."

He then told me he was dressed in all new Ralph Lauren gear and then his mate told me that he was dressed from head to toe in Tommy Hilfiger.

I am not sure what reaction they wanted. If any.

I told them that they were pretty lucky to afford clothes like that (all the time thinking that they probably had nicked them from the local department store).

"Oh that's because I am a lawyer", came the smartass reply.

His mate said, "You can't say that you idiot, you've got to go to college to do that".

"OK", he said, "I'm a thief and I paint trains."

And that I guess was probably closer to the truth.

He shifted closer to me forcing me to move as close to the window as I could get.

Trying to break his current thought patterns (thank you Edward de Bono), I told him that my best friend's son is a graffiti artist and he paints trains all over the world and gets paid lots of money to do it. I said, "I bet he wears all the brands you guys like and doesn't have to steal to get them."

"What's his name then?", two of them said in unison.

"Ummm, his name is um, .....Daley Wilson (a big fat lie)" I offered.

"No", the guy sitting next to me said. "What's his tag?"

"Mmm", I said, "I am not really sure. Tell me a few and I will see if I remember."

Vinson, Sofles, SIROC, they yelled out.

"I think it's the second last one, that sounds really familiar." I said.

"Wow, lady, that is amazing", the boy next to me said. "You really know him? Wow, you know Sofles?"

Well I know of him now, anyway.

They then got up one by one and I hoped that meant that they were getting off at the next station.

"See you then lady, have a real good day. Say hello to Sofles for us when you see him next." one of them called over his shoulder. 

As they were walking towards the door they stopped to look at the map on the wall, so I took a picture of them with my phone. Bits of kids with their flash gear on that look pretty harmless, no?


Notice the one in the middle has his collar up so you can see the Ralph Lauren logo - I thought only old men wore that brand.

The two teenage girls at the front of the carriage each turned around and gave me a knowing look. I said, "Jesus Christ" and breathed a big sigh of relief.

These kids really scared me.

I just wondered what they saw when they picked me out to sit down next to. Alone? Am I now one of those people I used to feel sad about on Scottish buses?

As the train pulled out of the station I looked into the next carriage and noticed familiar caps. They did not get off the train at all, they had just moved to the next carriage.  

I would have loved to tell them what I really thought but I decided to engage with them and use the only thing of any use that my ex taught me, Bullshit Baffles Brains.

I am not sure I will choose a deserted carriage to sit in any more though. My intuition wasn't telling me positive things about these kids...I got the menacing signal loud and clear. That has not happened before, ever, and I have met all kinds of strange people on public transport and on my travels.


PS Sorry Sofles, whoever you may be, for using your name in vain. I think it was for a good cause and just so you know, you clearly have some influence. Please use it really, really wisely because we truly have some **(*)(*)*)*) up kids around.

Sunday 15 April 2012

Just Do It


I have perfected the art of PROCRASTINATION.

And I wish there was some way I could make a living out of it because I would be filthy rich.

Please don’t tell me it’s just another sign of the advancing years like greying hair, drooping jowls and memory loss. Because seriously, it would be impossible for me to get any better at it than I already am.

I’ve reached the pinnacle of this particular pastime. I can manage to do anything and everything except the particular task that has an urgent deadline.
And I choose to procrastinate even though I know that nothing is as fatiguing or as headache inducing as hanging onto an uncompleted task.

I don't know why. I’m too scared to put the 'why' question to Google. I know how brutal the answers would be. Lazy, perfectionist, fear of failure, good for nothing. I can guess.

However, like most of my faults, I like to view this particular affliction in the most positive light possible.

I tell myself that at least I’m not one of those lazy procrastinators. It's not like I am stretched out on the lounge in my PJs watching Mad Men episodes back to back and gorging on leftover chocolate eggs. And nor am I am lazing out on the deck in the gorgeous Autumn sunshine with a cocktail and the latest self help book in hand.

Although come to think of it I did try a bit of the latter last week.
I was looking for some inspiration to help me focus on the things that matter. Like my job.

I started to read Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now.  Sheesh...

Sorry Oprah, I know it rocked your world but it may as well have been a Superman comic for all the good it did me. I'm already as Zen as I am going to get. In fact, I live in the Here and Now so much that I couldn’t be bothered if the consequences of what I do HERE, NOW, TODAY mean that I will be sacked TOMORROW and end up with no FUTURE.
No, I’m not lazy, I am just...well....busy. I like pottering, doing and achieving stuff in the now. I have a sense of purpose. It's just that none of it is a burning priority, helps pay the bills or actually matters.

Take my Sunday morning as a prime example.

My plan today was to do that urgent work and not get distracted until it was done.

I woke early and made coffee.

And all was going well until my gaze lingered on the fruit bowl a little longer than was absolutely necessary.  Oh my, I thought, those bananas are going brown.

I detest over ripened fruit, food wastage and given all those starving people in third world countries...yada, yada. So before I knew it I was pulling ingredients out of the cupboard to make a banana cake (no, not to actually send the cake to Africa, although fair point to you for thinking this may have been a possible outcome).

Then I looked in the fridge for what seemed like ages. It was overrun with greens I’d bought to make the slightly questionable juice I've been inhaling over recent weeks. So naturally I thought that it would be more productive to make the day's juice now given I would be so busy later.

So, after whipping up my latest green concoction, I was then forced to clean the whole kitchen from top to bottom. I am sure I saw some green splatters on the floor, the blinds…..no, I so did.

I then sat down for a moment to drink the alkaline green goodness. Ah yes, I was really impressed with what the parsley brought to the mix even though I am still hoping, rather malignantly, that sugar will make a comeback in medical circles. This then led me to decide that I absolutely needed to buy and plant more herbs in the garden. Here and Now of course while the weather was perfect, as opposed to later when rain was expected.

So, rather than drive, like I have every other time, I decided to get some exercise and Vitamin D and walk to the Garden Centre.

When I returned some 90 minutes later I planted the herbs, watered them and then gazed at the green expanse of lawn before me. And I can tell you if that bloody next door neighbour had the common decency to have left me something to mow, it would have been the perfect time for me to cut the grass too.

I then wandered inside and made the mistake of opening my iPad.  For just a wee look. An hour passed. Just like that. I am not sure how that happened except I have six months worth of blogs to catch up on. You all have incredibly busy lives, did you know?

I reluctantly closed the iPad but then suddenly had a thought about another silly cartoon about Ageing. Before I could forget the idea, I had to jot it down (see the collection so far here - a body of work that any self respecting pre-schooler would be happy to own).

Finally, after all that activity, I was ready to start the dreaded real work.

I held my breath and checked my email. As expected – my Boss had emailed me to ask if I would have the work completed by tomorrow.

"Yes, of course", I replied, “..... just finalising it now.”

Can you detect fear and lies between the lines of an email I wonder?

Guilt, headaches and nerves are closing in. I’ve got to rush people of the Internet. I've real work to do. Well as soon as I finish this blog post, that is.

How hard is it to JUST DO IT?

Any tips and tricks to overcome this insidious disease let me know.

Of course I will read them.... LATER....it's just that I'm so incredibly busy right ABOUT NOW.

I may have also decided to have some cake now rather then later .....sigh, sometimes procrastination has a place in our lives.

Friday 13 April 2012

Neighbours, everybody loves good neighbours

Right?

Well, welcome to my neighbourhood.

My neighbourhood
There are a lot of people who think that good fences make good neighbours. And given I've mainly lived in inner city neighbourhoods prior to moving to a regional city nine months ago, I’ve always been inclined to agree.

In fact, it was no surprise to see the results of a property survey today which showed that a quarter of our population doesn’t know the names of their neighbours and more than three quarters do not know what they do for a living. However, more surprising is that 3.5million people have never even seen the person who lives next door and more than 20 percent of respondents said they had an argument with a neighbour in the past five years.

Well clearly no-one bothered to survey my little neighbourhood because the only arguments likely to arise here are that the neighbours are well...too damn neighbourly.

Country living is slower, calmer and way more friendly and hospitable than I could have ever imagined. However, at the moment I am thinking that there is a happy medium to this being neighbourly business.

I have this unusual problem with a neighbour that is on the verge of plain weird (yes, you are right, I do have more than one problem but I like to spare the people of the internet as much as I can).

Anyway, I recently asked my next door neighbours, Keith and Betty, if they would mind collecting my mail as I had to make an urgent visit to see my ill sister.

When I returned, not only had they collected my mail but Keith had done all the gardening, including mowing the lawn. Really lovely, right? I gave them a gift for their trouble and thought that was the end of that.

No. Of course not.

This is my life we are talking about.

Keith for some bizarre reason must have really loved the gift I gave them as he has taken it upon himself to continue doing my gardening ever since.

However, the only problem is I haver never asked him to or agreed to this. He only ever does it when I am out. I do not see him or his wife to speak with as I am always going somewhere. He just seems to have ‘a thing’ for my yard.

After he did this a couple of times, I tried to catch him to speak with him. When I finally saw him in his backyard I thanked him but told him that he did not have to do my gardening as I loved gardening and needed the exercise. I felt I was quite friendly, yet assertive. He, on the other hand, seemed to be quite miffed and became very red in the face.

Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and my problem was fixed.

Of course not.

I came home today and the grass was mowed again, seven days after he did it the last time and five days after I told him I did not want him to do it any more. The lawn did not even need mowing.

I need ideas people. It’s awkward and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have to put an end to it because even if he was doing it to be helpful (which I think he probably is) I do not want to feel obligated to him. And goodness knows what his wife may think.

What to do, all you neighbourly bloggers? What to do?

I don’t want to be part of the 20% who fall out with their neighbours but I don’t want my neighbour thinking my yard is his to do want he wants with either. 



Sunday 4 September 2011

Warning, a whole weeks post in one....

I am an all or nothing kind of blogger it seems....so you might want to come back and visit a few times to read them all....or just read one or two....

Designated driver

Yes I know your kids, step kids, grand kids, nieces and nephews are clever but are they this clever? I was fascinated to see this video of a cute 4 year old Chinese girl apparently driving in traffic in Shandong Province while her parents are in the car.

In the video, posted on YouTube, the child can be seen calmly overtaking other cars. After a couple of minutes her father is heard apparently saying: “Jia Zheng, stop the car. Let daddy drive.”

Once the car is pulled over, the man gets out, walks around to the driver’s side and gets behind the wheel as the girl moves onto the back seat.

He is seen removing some sort of implement from the driver’s foot that appears to have been used by the girl to operate the pedals.

I am not sure whether it’s a fake or not but its a little bit risky given China’s one child policy isn’t it? It’s not like they have a spare...if something goes pear shaped.



                                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Edward Scissorhands....
 
Is as bald as a badger...I kid you not...












~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw the light

and unfortunately not much else.

Recently I had to change my licence and car registration to a new State and only had one day left to do it because I’ve been travelling and was running out of time. Unfortunately to make matters worse this was also the day that I was expecting furniture to be delivered to my house.

As I could not be home when the removalists came my daughter’s lovely boyfriend volunteered to be there to let them in.

Sweet, right? All easy.

When I left home it was pouring rain. I arrived at the Motor Registry in plenty of time for my appointment. I took a ticket and went to sit down. My mobile rang. It was the removalist.
“Where are you”, he growled, “no-one is answering your door.”  I said, “My daughter’s boyfriend is there so keep pressing the intercom and yell loudly as he might be listening to music or the TV and can’t hear you. I will try and contact him by phone as well”.

I tried. Nothing, Nada. Oh, great!

Meanwhile, my name is called out and I walk up to the counter only to be greeted by Mrs, I hate my job so I am going to make you suffer”.  For expediencies sake I will just refer to her as Mrs IHMJAIAGTMYP  from hereon in.

“Have you got your number plates?” she barked at me. “Yes, I have”, I calmly reply,“they are still on the car. Do you want me to take them off now?” ” Yes”, she said. “NOW”.  So I go out in the pouring rain, get my screw driver out of the car (like everyone has one in their car right?) and try and get the plates off.

My phone rang as I was in the middle of it. It was the now very disgruntled removalist telling me that he could not make any contact with my daughter’s now totally irresponsible, deaf boyfriend.  He said he was going to wait another 10 minutes and then would have to leave and I would have to make other arrangements.

After futile attempts to contact my daughter (who was in meetings) and her boyfriend (who was god knows where), I ran back into the registry office. Dripping wet but with the plates in hand.

Mrs IHMJAIAGTMYP called me over. I handed her the number plates and she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I should have told you that before I can process the registration we need to check the chassis number of your car. Now to do that we need you to jump through six million more hoops. So, how about you go and get your car and drive up the hill and round and round in circles until you find the depot where one of my colleagues will check the engine".  I pointed out that she only had to look at my previous registration papers to see the number. She glared at me and said through gritted teeth, “No, that is not the way we do it here. We need to check the number and it will cost you an extra $40 for us to do this.”

“Right.” I said. And off I run out in the pouring rain again like some stupid competitor in the latest reality show, Red Tape Survivor.

On the way I rang the removalist. A development. My daughter’s boyfriend managed to wake up after falling asleep on the couch. Just in time. Bravo!

I drove up the hill and pulled up sharply at the pit stop just avoiding the toes of Mrs IHMJAIAGTMYP’s colleague. “Open the bonnet”, he yells over the pouring rain. He stuck his head under the bonnet for two seconds, got what he needed and yelled, “Fine, you can go back to the car park now.”  Jesus, Mother Mary and Joseph. And that was a prayer folks not blasphemy.

I parked the car and ran into the Motor Registry. Mrs IHMJAIAGTMYP looked over at me in a rather sad, pitying way and said, “Aww, you’re soaking wet now. That’s a shame because now we have to take your licence photo”.

My hair was stuck to my head like glue. Just beautiful.

"Smile", she said. “I am trying”, I replied.

The photoshoot finished and I made a promise to myself that I will bury that licence in my wallet and never let it see the light of day. Even if the cops stop me I will just hand over my wallet and tell them to find it for themselves because I am never going to look at that photo. Ever.

Mrs  IHMJAIAGTMYP then announced that I needed an eye test. “Read the third line please”, she said pointing to the chart behind her.

I was seriously lucky even to see the chart behind her let alone the third line. It was a complete blur. And I do not even wear glasses.

Mrs IHMJAIAGTMYP’s day was improving as mine got worse. I could swear she was enjoying the moment. “Well, unfortunately”, she said,  “if you can’t read it properly you are not going to get your licence today you realise that, don’t you? And, if you can’t get your licence today you are not driving anywhere as you have no licence.”

Of course her voice, like a megaphone, bounced off all four walls making sure that every other person in the vicinity all knew that they had a blind person in their midst.

“OK, last chance” she said, “come up to this chart as it has a light shining on it and that might help you”. I started reading out the letters and clearly got one wrong. “Are you sure that’s an X?, she said. No, I am bloody not I thought. So I went through every letter of the alphabet until I got the right one and she finally......let me have my new licence.

Yes it was humiliating but not for a blind person who was not even aware of their disability.

I went to get my eyes checked the next day. There was nothing wrong with them. Stress perhaps? Non waterproof mascara maybe?

And thank goodness I don’t have to do that again for another five years....because next time I am hiring a 4 year old Chinese girl to take my place.

I just cannot do red tape, truly.

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I was walking in the mall yesterday and overheard a teenage girl saying, “Mum won’t let me go. She's such a bitch now all the time. She reckons it’s because of menopause or something. Honest, she needs to be locked up until she gets over it and she’s back to normal. “ I didn’t really want to burst her bubble and tell her that it might take years for that to happen....just like adolescence ha ha!
                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Wise words




Melbourne graffiti spotted today: "Fight Apathy.. Or don't.. Whatever..

                                        
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And to Lisleman, you bet it's Spring over here and our turn to have the sunshine.

Sunday 21 August 2011

Who knew?

That Edward Scissorhands lives up the street from me.




The jury is out whether this is some drug induced extreme gardening frenzy (which in my neighbourhood is unfortunately the first thing that comes to mind and the subject of my next post) or someone with too much time and come to think of it, too many hands.

I'll be watching who comes out that front door though......what does the garden say about them I wonder?








Friday 1 July 2011

Free speech, apples, swearing and Ukraine love

Life can get ridiculous at times. Here are some snippets from mine, just to round the week out.

Core blimey!



Last night while out at dinner my sister in law was telling us about her first time visit to an Apple store to buy an ipad for my brother. Everyone else at the table soon joined in waxing lyrical about the genius of Apple designs, their marketing and their OTT customer service. My daughter reminisced how she learnt to touch type on my first Mac when she was 5 and said she really wanted the latest ipad too.

Well, be careful what you wish for.

Early this morning she got a phone call from her bank. Someone had bought an ipad at the Apple store in London (about 1.30am our time), an Iphone from the 3 store and then tried to make a purchase of a computer using her obviously swiped credit card details.

Good job the Bank was on the ball but someone is running round with some ill gotten gains - a couple of shiny new apples.

I think it’s turned her off Apple ownership for the moment. Forbidden fruit and all that...

For F.. .ks Sake

Last Saturday I was walking in the inner city searching for an out of the way book shop. These days finding a book shop is like searching for a needle in a haystack isn't it?

I was preoccupied looking at the buildings on the opposite side of the road trying to find street numbers. 

I started walking across the road and suddenly I could hear a roar of voices coming towards me followed by a crowd of people waving Free Speech banners in the air.

Somehow I managed to get entangled in a public demonstration about proposed new legislation against swearing. As you do.

The most confronting thing though was their loud and angry chant.

F**K, F**K, F**K they screamed. Over and over.

I pushed my way through the crowd trying to reach the other side of the road in one piece. All the while thinking to myself, grrr, you people have taken the words right out of my mouth.

So, what could I do but join in.

Therapeutic, this freedom of speech thing is, I tell you. Like some kind of primal therapy.

The cloak of invisibility - does it exist?

Apparently there is an age where we females become invisible to the opposite sex. It’s 46 if you must know.

No, I haven’t made this up it’s supposedly a real research outcome which I will tell you about next week.

However, there are always exceptions to the rule.

Yesterday, my friend Marie was thrilled when she got wolf-whistled when passing a building site.

She took off her sunglasses and turned around to see whether the whistler in question might have been wearing coke bottle glasses.

The young guy looked at her, took his hard hat off and said very apologetically, Oh I am so sorry, Ma’am.

She looks younger from the back it seems. She was a tad disappointed.

Doesn't she know that a smart woman never looks behind or was that never leaves a man behind. Oh I forget now...

However, she will be walking everywhere from now on, guaranteed. She looks pretty hot in any direction. I would have posted a photo but she wouldn't be in it - supposedly she really doesn't like that much attention. Who knew?

Invisible and Stupid?

I was evaluating some beauty consultants for a makeup house last week. Unbeknownst to them, of course.

I had to go to two large department stores next door to each other and visit consultants from the same brand.

Consultant number 1 applied some foundation to my face and told me that it was the perfect colour, just beautiful, yade yade yade.

I then visited the next department store and saw Consultant no 2.

No 2 takes one look at the foundation applied by No 1 and says, “Oh no, that makeup you have on is not right for you”.

She has the perfect product, she says. Why, of course she would.

Out comes the exact same product and the same colour as No 1 used.

Then applied in the exact same way on the exact same face.

She told me it looked amazing, so different, yade, yade, yade.

Yeah great big tick, they lie sell really well.

And the makeup industry continues to thrive and grow exponentially…...wonder why…

And finally,.....

No matter what ridiculous things happen in my daily life I will always have this to cling on to……I have a Ukraine friendly blog.

The largest contiguous country in Europe (have no idea what that means but it sounds impressive right?) hits on me more than any other country in the world.

Maybe they think from the way I write that English is my second language too.

Didn’t you ever want to be a tiny bit big in the Ukraine…yes I thought so…but

Budmo!!!!!

Thank goodness for free speech and a little Ukrainian attention....life sustaining ridiculous moments in an otherwise topsy turvy world.

Have a good weekend everyone!


Friday 3 June 2011

Meet me at....

I would love to stay and chat but I'm kind of preoccupied.....



Did I tell you I live right round the corner from a chocolate factory?

The neighbourhood is growing on me.  Literally.

So I walk. Everywhere.

Chocolate and Walking.

It's what I call a balanced life.


Yeah, just humor me, you know you can do it...




Have a great weekend everyone!!!


Friday 20 May 2011

Stranger at the Football



Echoing the words of Apollo 14 Astronaut Edgar Mitchell, "There are no unnatural or supernatural phenomena, only very large gaps in our knowledge of what is natural."
Further to my previous post.

On a cold Scottish day seven years ago I was sitting in a near empty hospitality venue of a large Football Stadium. With little interest in the football being played outside I was feeling decidedly bored and actively counting down the endless minutes until I could go home.

Little did I realise that I would soon be jolted out of my apathy by the strange words of a man I had never seen before.

As I was peering out of the large window, looking for clues on the appeal factor of grown men kicking a ball from one end of a snowy pitch to the other, I heard a male voice behind me make a funny comment about the crowds in the stands.

I turned around and responded with a laugh. I’d never seen him before.

He was middle aged, portly and had one of those kind gentle faces with the beautiful skin and ruddy cheeks that many lucky Scots seem to have.

After some small talk, he asked me if I would mind if he sat down beside me. He then told me not to be alarmed or think he “was some sort of kook” but he had a message for me from my grandmother and she was very keen that I pass on her “love to Margaret”.

I looked at him alarmingly. Oh yeah, he was indeed some kind of kook. Nonetheless, just to be sure, I asked him to repeat what he had just said.

One, because I was hoping that his thick Glaswegian accent may have confused me. Two, that he might be absolutely blotto, and three, he had picked the wrong person because both my grandmothers had been dead for at least five years and were buried 12,000 miles away in Australia.

He then said very slowly and very quietly, “Your grandmother Elizabeth, the one who wore her long hair in a bun with an ornate comb, wants me to pass on some messages to you. She is quite insistent that you pass on her love to Margaret because she is sick.”

At this point I feared my boredom levels had caused not only my eyes to glaze over but my mind to follow suit. If it was not enough that I was stuck inside a football stadium I now had to contend with a man who clearly had a few problems with a love of football not being the only one.

I turned around hoping I could attract the attention of the hospitality staff to see if they could rescue me from this lunatic but they were all busy putting jugs of beer and wine on tables.

He continued on and said that he did not want to scare me in anyway but he had just come to watch the football but my grandmother really wanted him to pass her messages on to me. He said, “she is a force to be reckoned with”.

Right, I thought, my dead grandmother is going to a Scottish premier league football game on a Saturday afternoon and starts nagging a complete stranger picked out of a crowd of thousands to come find me in a large football stadium and pass on her messages to me. Bloody. Likely. Not.
Of course I glossed over the fact he knew the names of my sister and grandmother and how she wore her hair and that my sister was very sick. Sure, my dad's mother was a force to be reckoned with and a real matriarch of her family but surely everyone’s grandmother is called Elizabeth, right?

He then asked me how my ankle was. Ten years earlier I had been in a bus crash and had hurt my ankle badly and still had problems but there are no obvious signs. I asked him how he knew about my ankle and he said my grandmother wanted to give me some proof that it really was her.

He went on to say that she wanted me to be careful of my charm bracelet as the clasp was loose and there was a danger it might fall off. The bracelet was significant to me because she had given it to me and I wore it all the time. Three days earlier it had fallen off and I was not wearing it that day.

He said my grandmother was laughing about the trouble I had with my door key but he was unsure what that meant. It was true. For some bizarre reason I had trouble opening or locking the front door of our house much to the annoyance of my then partner. He often had to get out of the car and lock the house because I could not do it properly. No other keys were problematic just the front door key. Apparently it was my grandmother’s hand at work.

And just to put the fear of God into me he also told me that there were two other spirits hanging around too. One was a man called Ferdinand and he was wearing an old bush hat and had a beard. As it turns out it was my father’s grandfather’s name, not a very typical Australian name that anyone might guess. And the other was a boy who he said “looks just like you”. Now that made me cry.

I was getting very uncomfortable.

Thankfully our conversation was soon interrupted by rowdy football supporters pouring into the room after the game. He said he still hadn’t told me everything and left his contact details in case “I wanted to know more”. He walked off and I closely watched him looking for signs of mental instability, drunkenness, wings on his back or a halo above his head.

Nothing. He looked like Mr Joe Average, football punter.

In the end I decided it was all too bizarre and I would not bother contacting him. I also decided not to tell anyone for fear of being accused of imbibing in too many gin and tonics or being a little crazy as well.

However, a week later, I changed my mind.

After mulling over our conversation for several days I decided I wanted to know what else he had to say. I paid him a visit at his bookshop and bought a friend along as a witness. He told me that he was born with the ability (or disability perhaps) to be able to communicate with people who have passed over (to where exactly I am not sure but I am hoping for my sake not football stadiums). He tried to explain it to me, several times. I did not understand it then and I do not understand or really want to understand it now.

He was the most unlikely looking clairvoyant, psychic, spiritualist or whatever the correct term is that I could ever possibly imagine.

He gave me a lot more information and then told me that my grandmother was crying about something that she was not happy about in my life and went on to say that she could see someone was not treating me well. It was a warning to me that I never understood fully at the time and unfortunately I wish I had taken what was said to me a bit more seriously.

I never saw this man again but did learn that he was quite well known for his psychic abilities in the UK.

When I eventually came back to Australia I had another chance meeting with a clairvoyant, another unlikely looking candidate, who explained that, my grandmother was my spirit guide. A guardian angel of sorts I guess. She too also gave me messages as well which still to this day are unravelling.

I cannot explain any of it but I do believe he was communicating with my grandmother and that she really was trying to look out for me. Now rather than try to understand it or make any sense of it I just accept anything is possible. In the same way that I accept football or anything else I don’t quite 'get'. It happens and some of us are into it and some of us aren’t and some of us have far more knowledge about it than others. It just is what it is.

And no, I have never been to a clairvoyant since because if my grandmother needs to find me she clearly will. She always was determined and never let anything get it in her way!