Biting Bullets aka Raging Against The Machine

Another Tuesday is here. Once again, I don't have any Big Ideas for a blog post. Let's go with bullets, shall we?

• Last week over at Unicorn Bell they asked for submissions of Inspiring Stories. I debated whether I wanted to jump into that pool and decided that the worst that would happen was I'd get wet. So, my story is up over there today. If you feel so inclined to read it, well that would be awesome! If you like it, that would be even better:) You can click the link...
• My garden is thriving. Mostly. My dog runs through it on her way to the back gate. Aside from that, so far so good.
• My migraines have been troublesome. Again. I think I might be approaching the core of my issues. The closer I get, the more my brain wants to distract me. Excruciating migraines do the trick rather handily.
• I am now finished with my A to Z posts through the letter "R." I can see the Finish Line. Good thing because April 1 is almost here.
• Retired accountants "work" at the library on Saturdays for free before April 15. Since I have been on disability, tax hasn't been an issue for me. Heck, I am living below the poverty line and must live with my mom just to survive. Anyway, I used my inheritance from my dad and withdrew money from my IRA last year to make some much-needed repairs to this house.
• I expected the Energy Credits to offset whatever the IRS would charge me for withdrawing the money early.
• Not so. I got no Energy Credits because I had no taxable income (remember that part about living below the poverty line), but was assessed a penalty of just under $700 for withdrawing the money.
• Oh, and I lost my Energy Credits because they don't carry over if you aren't able to use them. So, even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get better and back to work, the IRS is not going to give me the energy credits when I am working again. They are just gone.
• I concede that this debacle could have something to do with the migraine that has plagued me since Saturday.
• Do you ever tell yourself things like, "It's just money. No big deal. You shouldn't sweat the small stuff. In the scheme of things this really is small stuff, it just seems like big stuff." So do you? Does it work?
• I just had a bit of a revelation as I typed this last bit. Every time my migraine cranks up it has something to do with my core issues: feeling abused, trapped, loss of voice, loss of confidence, and not good enough. If you read my IWSG post then you know this hotbed of crap started in junior high school, reappeared when I was married, and stuck around for the duration. Each time I made progress, I was hit in the face with one or more of these feelings.
• Let's take a quick look at how I felt on Saturday. The taxation system of the government in disallowing my energy credits but insisting on my penalty even though my income was extremely sub-par... yeah, I felt trapped, abused, unable to voice my *valid - I think* complaint, bullied, but not confident about gaining any traction in turning this around. I suppose that not good enough doesn't apply, expect for the fact that one of the workers told me I was ignorant for not being aware of how this would all turn out. She said I would have been smarter to take out a loan (because that is just what I need - another payment every month). 
• But, I didn't say anything. I just took her dressing down because that is what you do with your elders. Right? Even though inside I was raging against the machine... and her. At least the guy who worked with me on my taxes felt badly about how this all turned out. (She was the person who checked over the numbers, verifying it was all "correct.")
• So, compared to her I was definitely not good enough and sorely lacking in the Smarts Department. And I kinda got the feeling that she enjoyed my having to pay that $700 for being such a dimwit and not taking out the loan I couldn't afford.
• And there it is. Rage. My core issue that I really don't want to face. Rage. Rage. Rage. 
• People pleasers, like myself, don't rage inside like a volcano on the verge of eruption. We nurture. We love. We give and give and give and give until it hurts by golly.
• Well, that was unexpected. Sorry about that. I truly didn't see it coming. It just poured out like water breaking the dam. If you got wet, my apologies. 

IWSG ~ My Rough Draft and My Migraines

Before I do anything else, I want to encourage you to play along in Battle of the Bands. The song for this battle is Time After Time, made famous by Cyndi Lauper. I have three different covers duking it out in this battle. Right now the separation by the top two is just ONE VOTE. And Miles Davis is doing pretty well with 4 votes. He is trailing the leader by only THREE VOTES. This is a close race, so get over there and put in your two cents by voting for YOUR favorite. You can CLICK HERE.

Today is the first Wednesday of the month and that means it is time for insecure writers everywhere to share their fears with the world. Alex J. Cavanaugh started the IWSG and his awesome co-hosts areTina Downey, Elsie, Elizabeth Seckman, and Julie Flanders! Please visit and thank them for helping today. You can CLICK HERE if you want to join the Linky List.

I am closing in on actually finishing my very first ever rough draft. What am I NOT insecure about these days? Right. I am one huge ball of nerves and insecurity. Once that rough draft is done everyone says the Real Work begins. Say what? Real work? This has been worse than giving blood. You mean that my rough draft sucks lemons and I am going to have to really work it over? Yeah probably. Fabulous.

Things we've never done before are scary. 

When we are stuck in a bad rut, and have been for a long time, it is scary. I mean, if we knew how to get out... we would. If we truly understood how we got here, we wouldn't make this sort of choice again. It's all muddled and unclear and worst of all... seems unending.

Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time is familiar with the fact that I have chronic migraines. Back in the late 90s I started getting them sporadically. After I got married, I got them much more often (this just sounds dumb every time I say it now) and after my then-husband's young children moved in with us full-time, I got them daily. Painfully. It was and wasn't the kids. They had major issues from living with their bio mom, but the bigger problem was that their father didn't do anything outside of his comfort zone. He had no experience with raising kids... so that was outside his comfort zone. And anything over that line, he backed away from it, held up his hands, and insisted that someone else take over.

We were married three years. By the end of that time, I was so sick that I had to divorce or die. That was really where I felt I was. My mom was convinced that I was going to die. I'd gone from a successful career in commission sales to spending the bulk of my time in bed trying not to throw up with my head pounding so loud that... I admit it, I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, but if one of those big holes opened in the ground swallowing my house,  well that would have been a miracle. The good kind. Yeah, that was where I was mentally. So sick I wanted to die.

Fast forward to today. I found a new doctor who referred me to a tapping therapist, changed my diet to NO processed foods and more veggies, and has pretty well weaned me off of most prescription drugs. I am still on a few. I still have migraines. But not severely like I did. Things are getting better. There is nothing else my doctor can do for me physically.

My therapist suggested I read a book by Michael Schubiner, M.D. called Unlearn Your Pain. He says that anyone with chronic pain (and no tissue disorder) has Mind Body Syndrome. Our minds are powerful. So powerful that thoughts manifest themselves in our bodies. For instance, we are embarrassed and we blush. That is something happening in the mind producing a physical response in the body. Other responses like migraines, back pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia, gastro disorders, and more, are more difficult to trace back to the mind... unless you know how to do it.

So, I worked the sheets in the workbook. Wrote down the earliest date I had headaches, stomach issues, dizziness, migraines, and on and on. Then, I had to figure out if ANYTHING traumatic happened to precede these events. Or about the same time. Woah.

Back in 2010, I wrote several times about the hell that was junior high school. I was really trying to sort through my emotional stuff. I knew I had junk in the trunk and releasing it was the only way out. Except I didn't. Release that is. So... junior high school.

Junior high was a nightmare. Our school was a merger of the richest kids in town and those of us living at the lower middle class level. The rich kids bullied the rest ceaselessly. Obviously, some bullies were worse than others. One had it in for me for three years. It felt like arming for war every day those three years. An unwinnable war. That was when the vicious headaches began and I felt sick to my stomach after every meal. Core issues of junior high: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

My marriage was a nightmare. It was a merger of someone who nurtured and gave and someone who took. The taker was never happy with the amount given and always wanted more. The taker verbally and emotionally abused constantly. It felt like arming for war every day. An unwinnable war. That was when the migraines began and the nausea had me throwing up constantly. Core issues of my marriage: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Sound familiar? I was married three years to the day.

As soon as I connected these dots, my migraines started to get just a bit better. I still have issues to work out and release.

Living with a constant migraine has been scary. For the longest time it didn't seem like it would ever get better. No one had any answers. Doctors just kept throwing medication at it. But nothing changed. When something stays the same long enough, the idea trickles in that it might never change. This actually might be your life for the rest of your life. That is scary. I refused to accept that and kept looking for someone with a better answer. Eleven years later I believe I've found it.

I'm not saying I want to be working on this WiP for eleven years. But I know that I can conquer scary things. Because I already have.