The Fight For My Life

It has been forever since I've written a post about what is going on here in the Land of Robin. Seriously. I think it's been a long, long time.

I'd say the last three years have been roller coaster-like. What I mean by that is this: When I started seeing my new doctor in 2013 she changed my treatment plan. She took me off some of the meds I was on (good!), strongly encouraged eating whole foods only (tough, but she's correct), get off all processed foods (again, not easy, but we all should do it). I felt so much better after making these changes that I decided to try and actually DO some things. Not go crazy and do big things. Little things. Like go to church on Sunday mornings. Sing in the choir. Yes, that is a commitment. But in the grand scheme of life, I'd say it's a reasonable first step. Well, that step turned out to be just enough stress to upset my apple cart. In point of fact, the only way her health management plan worked was if I didn't interact with other humans at all. That was just too much stress. Group activities or anything that required a commitment of a certain day/time... migraine city.

So, it was frustrating. And I was back on over the counter pain medication if I wanted to have even a pseudo life. Meaning a half life. Not even a full life. Not a real life. Because the more stuff I brought into my life, the bigger the migraine got. The less the OTC pain medication worked. I was back in the place of it mostly just taking the edge off a constant migraine. But, let's face it. I'd lived this way since 2003. This wasn't new territory. If I ate better, slept better, tried for at least some exercise I could live a nominal life. Meaning I could go to church. Maybe join a Bible Study or book club. I still had no chance of a relationship with a man (way too much stress there) or a job (are you kidding me?) or a life. Because I still had really bad days that I spent in bed all day no matter what I did with a terrible migraine. And sometimes several of those in a row.

Despite that, I went to camp the last two summers for a few weeks and OTC pain medicated my way through it. That might not have been the best strategy ever, but a person gets tired of lying in bed just waiting to die. And, let's face it, I've pretty much been lying in bed waiting to die since 2003. That is not any way to live. Point of fact: that isn't living. That is existing. I've been existing since 2003 with bursts of living that have managed to seep into my life and right out again. All thanks to a pain medicated existence. Again, this is not the life that the Creator intended for any of us. I believe that with all my heart. And, yet, there I was.

My sister-in-law introduced me to essential oils about a year ago now. I will say that made some difference in my migraine severity and frequency. My recent summer at camp required less OTC pain meds thanks to essential oils than the previous summer. However, after camp I was actually worse than I was at camp. My therapist has definitive ideas on this that have merit, but I'm not going to go into that right now except to say that stress comes in many forms. (And well-meaning people who love you can stress you out to the max.)

The last four months have been tough. My essential oils haven't held up. Any exercise routine I had went into the toilet. And yet, some really awesome things were happening. I joined a Bible Study through a church I don't attend and made some wonderful women friends (which I really needed). We meet weekly, and this has been a source of encouragement for all of us. A few weeks ago I heard about something called Nascent Iodine. I know you know what iodine is. Point of fact, I was certain I was allergic to iodine. In my 20s, a nurse swabbed my arm with it before drawing blood, and I broke out in the itchiest rash. Oh my goodness. And then ten years or so later I developed an allergy to shellfish after an overindulgence in shellfish (I thought because of the iodine... and probably because of the form of iodine...hmm... don't know). So, when I read the following, I thought I can't take this because I'll be allergic. The bolding is mine within the sections.

The Top 5 Reasons You Need Nascent Iodine

1. Iodine is an essential mineral that supports thyroid health and well-being.*
2. Nascent iodine may support healthy iodine levels. 
3. Nascent iodine may support healthy hormone levels.**
4. Nascent iodine may be involved in maintaining healthy metabolism.
5. Supplementing with pure nascent iodine may provide sufficient iodine so that the body does not need to absorb iodine from other, perhaps less pure, sources.

Survival Shield X-2 Quality

Survival Shield X-2 is manufactured in a state-licensed facility that meets federal regulatory standards, is cGMP/HACCP-compliant, and lab grade. Raw elemental iodine is a controlled substance both at a State and Federal level. The licensing, approvals and regulatory documentary procedures are exacting and costly.

Bound forms of iodine must first be separated, clarified and purified from other binding components or impurities into a USP-grade (United States Pharmaceutical), mono-elemental iodine as certified USP resublimated iodine crystals. In this purified crystal form, iodine is a highly reactive and toxic substance. However, when the purified USP iodine crystals are subjected to a proprietary process it becomes nano-colloidalized and transforms into a form of elemental nascent iodine, also referred to as monoatomic iodine, without the addition of iodides!***

Shocking Statistics About Iodine

• According to the World Health Organization's Department of Nutrition for Health and Development, iodine deficiency is a public health problem in 54 countries.
• The CDC states that iodine deficiency is one of the four major deficiency diseases in the world (Fortunately, it is the easiest to correct).
• The 2013 USGS iodine commodity summary warns that there are no comparable substitutes for iodine. 
• Information published by UNICEF notes that iodine deficiency is the most avoidable cause of stunted physical and intellectual development.

*My thyroid went hypo a while ago. And then it went autoimmune. This is very bad news. Once it goes autoimmune your body eventually DESTROYS your thyroid and there is nothing that can stop it. Well, you can take the thyroid medication, which I do, but when it's gone, it's gone. I'm sure it all just gets more fun from there.

**Hormones. Holy rocket science Batman. When I first started getting migraines (2003), I told my neurologist that I was certain this was a hormonal imbalance given how my migraines (before they became chronic) were hormonal. Granted, they were now a freight train bound for hell, but if we could stabilize the hormones, I think we could get the train back on the track. He looked down his nose at me and said, "I hear that from many of my women patients, but I assure you that you are wrong." And that was the end of it. Because, you know, he had a direct line to God. He proceeded to pump untold amounts of medication into me that caused me to lose my hair like a cancer patient. God love him. He was a miracle worker. And I still had migraines.

***Without the addition of iodides. Hmm. Could it have been the addition of iodides that I was actually allergic to and not the iodine itself? 

If we need iodine to live. If we need iodine to regulate our hormones. If we need iodine to keep our thyroid working correctly (and clearly mine is NOT), then maybe, just maybe I have an iodine issue. And maybe, just maybe by giving my thyroid the iodine it very much needs it will start to correct some of these problems that have gone... shall we say, badly.

I ordered it. It comes in liquid form. I placed a drop on my arm and waited. 24 hours later and nothing. No rash. The recommended dose is 3 drops per day. I took one the first day. That was the first day I didn't take any OTC pain medication in four months. The second day I took two. The third day I took three. I've had some serious stress going on during this time (my roof needs replacing and that is super stressful and my health care has required some decision-making, which is also stressful). I was taking OTC pain meds at least twice a day (sometimes three). In the two weeks I've been on the iodine, I've taken them two times. Two. On two different days. I'm still using my essential oils. Still trying to eat well, sleep well, my exercise has sucked (got to be honest), but for the first time since 2003 I'm showing actual improvement. 

It's funny what happens when your life changes radically in a short period of time. When you go from a place of holding space to a place of possibility. Those are very different places for the record. For the first time in a very long time I can see that there is actually a future in my future. 

I apologize that this post was so long. As Blaise Pascal (and Mark Twain, later) said "I didn't have the time to make it shorter."

BoTB Results and (another) Quick Update

I know I'm a bit late with Battle of the Bands results. The song was Starships and the contenders were Pentatonix and Pitch Perfect. This was one of the best voting sessions I've had on a battle in a while. The vote started out for Pentatonix and then the next vote was for the Pitch Perfect crew. One group would gain ground and then the other would catch up. It was tied several times as we cruised toward the final count. A good many of you liked both videos (as do I) and found the voting difficult. Some of you had NO trouble casting your vote. How did this finish?

Pentatonix: 17 (including my vote)

Pitch Perfect: 13

I appreciated all of you who asked about the migraines and my plan for getting better. There are often so many things going on contributing to the stress we feel (and the migraine that stems from it), so it can be tough to isolate the problems. Other times, it's really clear. If I'm eating "badly" that is a fairly easy adjustment. If the weather is crazy and the barometer keeps dropping, that's not. If my hormones are raging, that's not. If I'm stressing about stuff in my life, that's not easy, but it is fixable. So, I try to focus on what I eat and what I think.

I feel blessed that my doctor referred me to my current therapist. I know I've talked about tapping here several times, but it truly has been the most successful method I've found to release the emotional junk I tend to collect. I fully intend to return to my Soundtrack posts. I also want to write something (which may take a couple of parts) about things I've learned over the summer.

Battle of the Bands Results and a Quick Update

First up, I've got Battle of the Bands results for you. The song was Look What They've Done To My Song, Ma. The contenders were Melanie Safka and Miley Cyrus. I wasn't at all surprised by the Melanie win in this battle (spoiler: Melanie won this one). Miley Cyrus has managed to turn off a whole bunch of people with her antics. The tally turned out like this:

Melanie Safka: 21

Miley Cyrus: 6

So, you can see that it was never even close. I did get some interesting comments on this one.

My friend Robyn said this:

I vote for Melanie, even though I like Miley's version better. I don't like that girl.

Frankly, that was my biggest concern about including Miley in this (or any) battle. People tend to vote against people they just don't like. Which if you're a superstar, it's really best to keep your opinions on pretty much everything to yourself, because you're bound to tick off half your audience. AND keep it clean. Put away the foam fingers and stop the twerking. It creates buzz, but often not the good kind.

My friend Christine said this:

I love Miley. I think she's young and sewing oats...she has real talent...if she straightens out in a year or two..writes some music..she'll be around for years.

There has been plenty written about Miley (and other Disney stars) who want to set aside that Disney image and tend to go a bit too far. Yeah, Miley isn't the only one. I think of life like a pendulum. Disney insisted that she live her entire childhood under the scrutiny of their microscope and not act out in any way. Let's face it, kids act out. So, when she got out from under Disney, her pendulum did a wild swing the other way. The thing about pendulums is that (usually) they come to rest somewhere in the middle. Meaning she won't ever be a "princess," but she probably won't be a foam finger waving idiot either. So, as Christine says, time will tell the tale here. If she writes her own music. If she settles down. If she grows up, chances are she'll ride out this crazy wave and find success. 

I tell you all this to say that I like Miley's music. I don't care for Miley's antics. I agree with Christine that it's entirely possible that she will straighten herself out. (I hope so.)  So, I agree with Robyn and Christine. Sort of. I try really hard to separate the singer from the song, because there are plenty of celebs I just don't like. When I was looking for a song in this battle of the bands I landed in Miley's backyard sessions. I watched quite a few of her songs, and I thought to myself that it's really sad that she went from this girl to the one waving the foam finger and twerking around half naked on the television. And her version of this particular song really struck me. I do think someone who spent their entire childhood in Hollywierd probably feels like their brain's been picked by everyone and their brother. Their life doesn't feel like their own. Everyone else makes the decisions and expects you to play the game. So, I felt like she could really relate to this song. She chose it for a reason. She felt like her song no longer belonged to her and if Hollywierd is selling tears... well, she'll be rich.

So, my vote is for Miley, which means nothing given this tally. But, I echo Christine's sentiments about hoping she settles down.

As for me... it's been whack-a-doodle here. I did fairly well for the six weeks I was gone, but I needed the pain pills to make it through. The good news was I made it through. The bad news was that the necessity of those pills put me back in that old cycle of daily migraines, rebound migraines, blah blah blah. I knew I was going to have to go cold turkey on the pain pills again. It was a matter of deciding when I could just opt of of "life" for about four days so I could lie in bed and moan with pain. I did that last week. It was pretty much as awful as I remembered from the last time. However, given that my dependence was shorter this time, so was my withdrawal period. Just 48 hours of agony versus the anticipated 96. All and still, it really sucked my energy.

I did find a renewed incentive during that period to just finish my revisions on my rough draft, which I did!!! I'm sure it's (once again) very rough, but I'm so happy to be further along in this process.

However, this blog (and blogging, in general) has suffered. I haven't been posting or reading. When you feel junky and only have so many hours in the day, it becomes really critical how you spend them. My novel was backburnered for so long that it became primary. I'm hoping to find some balance soon and find that happy medium.So, please bear with me. I fully intend to visit you soon!

Also, I will be posting some pics from 6 week adventure soon. And, I plan to get back to the Soundtrack of My Life. So much to do. So little time!

Battle of the Brand Results ~ Brand New Book

I have to fess up. I've not been on Blogger for several days. I've mostly been migraining. Yeah, that's officially a "thing" now. Mostly because I just said it was. I did feel marginally better today, and it was a good thing, because I spent most of it at church.

Anyway, even though I hadn't been here, I did count up the votes on Battle of the Bands a few days ago. Much to my surprise, it was a tie.

11 votes to The Underdogs. 11 votes to UB40.

Holy smokes. Then I started praying someone/anyone would come back and vote so I didn't have to be the You Know What. The irony is that I've thought RIGHT UP UNTIL THIS BATTLE that I really wanted a close one. Turns out, I didn't want a tie-breaking one. In a tie-breaking event, I have to break the tie. I know many of you thought as you cast your vote that my vote was obviously and clearly for UB40. The thing is I really like The Underdogs, too.

Apparently you guys are equally divided on this issue. So, even though my vote has no more power than anyone else's vote, it sure 'nuff feels like it does. I listened to both songs again. Just to be sure. And you guys know me so well. I do like the UB40 version just a hair better than the other one. But only a hair, so don't go thinking you know me TOO well, 'cuz you don't. Obviously.

So, that means UB40 won the battle. And I kinda sorta feel like I won, too. Yippee. A tie. I finally picked two versions of the same song that resulted in a tie. ::clicking heels::

In case you thought I'd given up on my Train Education (of you) due to lack of interest... rethink it. I'm only halfway there. I'm not really sure where Brand New Book falls. It wasn't on an album. It was a single that is used as the theme song for the TV Show, The Biggest Loser. I don't watch the show, but I love the song. Since it fits the sentiments I expressed above, it's getting played NOW. I present to you Brand New Book. Here I am, you still me know. Just the same old story in a brand new book.

Underneath these lifelong
Things that were right till they went wrong
When misunderstood stood in my way.
Now down in the heart of a matter-of-fact
There's a place I remember and I wanna go back
Where I stop getting even and started to change.

All I want is you to see me

Here I am
You still know me
Here I am
Take another look
Here I am
Same old story in a brand new book

If second chances were dances
You know I would have two left feet
But at least I'd have a front row seat to love
And so I've been turning it upside down
Shaking it up and shaking it out
And now I'm running for you
Instead of running from me

All I want is you to see me

Here I am
New as morning
Here I am
Just like the sun
Here I am
Without warning
I'm the one for you
Here I am
You still know me
Here I am
Take another look
Here I am
Same old story in a brand new book

And now I get set of second chances to turn
The pages of the lessons of the love that I've learned
Was true, now all that's missing is you

All I want is you to see me

Here I am
New as morning
Here I am
Just like the sun
Here I am
Without warning
I'm the one for you
Here I am
You still know me
Here I am
Take another look
Here I am
Same old story in a brand new book

Here I am
Here I am

The same old story in a brand new book

And Then There Were... Bullets

I am considering making Mondays bullet point post days. Every week they overtake me and I am (sadly) unprepared. Ergo... say it with bullets.

• Remember that ennui I mentioned toward blogging about a week ago, possibly more. Well, it's still there, but I am enjoying putting a video on my TV blog (every day but Saturday). Some are current TV and some cancelled shows. But it is FUN. If you want to see what is going on there, click HERE.
• I feel like I am gaining traction on my novel. Several CPs came back with excellent suggestions and the whole project is moving onward and upward. Woohoo! If you want to beta read or CP this project, email me. 
• This has been a Not So Great week in terms of migraines. Yeah, that means I am struggling. I woke up with a doozy this morning. My dreams must be powerful stuff if they trigger this sort of reaction. I just wish I could remember what CAUSED this massive amount of stress. And this massive migraine... that even now has my stomach flip-flopping and my head feeling like it wants to pound itself right off my shoulders.
• You might be thinking... why aren't you in bed? I was. For hours. And it doesn't help. That isn't to say that I won't be returning directly...
• I stumbled into my next song for Battle of the Bands last week. BOTB will be this Wednesday. And I am 95% positive I am going with the song I just found. I didn't even know there was a cover(s). How exciting is that???? Well, for me: very. For you: meh. Ha!
• Mom and I like to go to the game rooms here in Florida. We don't spend much and usually come out a few bucks ahead. I figure when it all washes out, we either break even or make a little bit. A few years ago, when we lived in Yulee, we came out way ahead. That was my second source of income. Ah... the economy.
• Anyway... two things happened this week that made me think about people and how crazy they are. 
• First: It's 8:30PM and we are in a PACKED game room. This woman is telling one or two other people her PERSONAL BUSINESS at the top of her voice. And then she says something like, "This is private. My personal business. I don't want the whole world to know." Or something like that.
• I am sitting on the other side of the room and I can hear every word she says.
• Guy sitting next to me mutters, "A bit late for that."
• I thought, "Heck, yeah. I wish she'd toned it down ten minutes ago." That thought was followed up by, "I bet she'd make a great character in a novel some day."
• Yesterday, mom and I were leaving the game room (different room) when these two women walk in. Mom is going to the ladies room and I am waiting. Turns out these two are mother-daughter. The mother says loudly (of course), "My daughter is visiting me. She has done nothing but complain about how hot it is since she got here."
• Man, I love that kind of guest (you know, the complaining kind). It's been 80 degrees here the last few days. Freakin' gorgeous weather. The daughter says, "Well, it's 33 where I live." And she says it like she wishes she were there. (I wished she was there, too.)
• And it goes like that. On and on and on. Finally, they leave the counter and move to some games and the mother is still talking loudly enough for the ENTIRE ROOM to hear their conversation.
• And that is when it hits me (again) that this could be yet another facet of that annoying character I met in the game room earlier in the week. 
• For all of you still wondering about my shoulder... man, it still hurts. I am doing exercises and gaining range of motion. But, the pain is still... Well, let's put it this way: It is very painful to pull up my pants. Something about that specific rotation in the shoulder really hurts. Yesterday we stopped at Arby's for dinner and I needed to use the restroom. Tiny stall. In the process of the already-painful pulling up the pants process I slam my (bad) arm into the TP dispenser. I nearly cried right there in the stall.
• Last, but not least, some old dude hit on me at the karaoke place. I am a magnet for old dudes. Worse, I remain stunned each time they hit on me. This particular one was missing most of his teeth and I am pretty sure he was older than my mother - who was sitting right next to me. Ah well... if any of you guys can explain this phenomena, I am all ears.

I guess that is a wrap. Any of this sound familiar????

This Is How You Know You've Been Scammed

First, I want to thank everyone who has voted on Battle of the Bands (my last post). If you have not yet done that, I hope you will. The last day to vote is the 5th (Thursday). I might or might not have my regular Thursday post on that day. Why?

Second, my migraine is kicking my butt. I am now FULLY aware of how stress in my life translates into extreme pain in my body.

My mother joined a dating website in February (I think). And she met this guy who claimed to be from Georgia, owned his own business, blah blah blah. And before they could meet he had to go to Malaysia to work a job. While there, he was beset with one financial crisis after another. I was unaware that he asked my mother for money (and she sent it) until after the first few sends. When I did find out... I do believe pieces of my brains are still clinging to the ceiling in the living room. But, it wasn't over and she felt compelled to send yet more money in order to get back her initial investment. I STRONGLY advised her not to do that. But, she did. And then she stopped talking to me about it until she sent him EVERYTHING she had. I am talking savings, running up all the credit cards, and emptying her retirement IRA. Everything. Complete financial destitution. It KILLS ME that she sent this scammer creep every penny that she scraped to save her entire life.

By the time she told me the extent of the damage, she suspected she had been scammed. I went online to look for stories of other people who had been scammed. They are all eerily similar. She filed a police report (they said they couldn't help because it was outside of state lines) and something online with the FBI. Radio silence from them. The guy continued to call right up until a few days ago. Sporadically. But enough that it kept a nugget of hope alive in her mind that he was NOT a scammer. (He is totally a scammer.)

In the meantime, she joined another dating site (in order to move past the pain of the first experience). And started talking at first via email and then phone to another guy. He supposedly lives in the area, but it took about a week to find out he was in Colorado for a conference. My scammer alarm began to sound. She let me read his emails. Right away my brain went "Scammer." She said that couldn't be because she told him that she'd been scammed and had NOTHING left. Why try to mine for gold where there isn't any? She had a point, but the other part of my brain said that scammers are liars. Liars tend to think that everyone else lies. So, he probably thinks she still has some sort of nest egg. When the flowers and candy arrived out of the blue (from scammer #2) I knew it was a scam. Scammer #1 sent a rose bush after she told him that she wasn't crazy about flowers. I guess she forgot to mention that to #2. Now, I just sat back and waited for the inevitable financial crisis. It came this morning. He was robbed. He needs $800.

At first I was relieved... she will wake up and see this for what it is.

No.

She says that someone owes her $500 and if she can get that money back she might send him some.

Say what???? What was left of my brain blew off and all of my remaining brain matter now lives on the ceiling of the living room. It's a freaking miracle that I can even type right now given the fact that my brain exploded and is dripping off the ceiling.

Turns out that she can't get that $500 back (whew) yet. At most, the person who owes her can give her $60. She relayed this to scammer #2. I told her he'd take it. After all, he needs reimbursement for the money he spent on the flowers and candy he sent.

She still uses the phrase "IF he is a scammer when she talks about scammers #1 and #2" which does nothing to soothe my migraine. If she sends money she doesn't have to these morons, I am going to have dip into MY savings to cover HER bills. And I don't have much savings. And I don't want to pay scammers.

So, she said she was corresponding with someone else. I told her I knew from the emails right away of #1 and #2 (after I read them) that they were scammers. She asked me to read the emails from the new guy. Guess what? #3 is also a scammer according to my radar.

She did NOT want to hear that. She now thinks that I think everyone is a scammer. Not so. But if they live so far away - or are out of the state for a conference - that you can't meet within a couple of email chats... they are probably a scammer. If they have a crazy lineage to explain their extremely foreign accent, they are probably a scammer. If they call you honey, dear, sweety, and my queen in the second email, they are probably a scammer. If they repeatedly use the word soul mate with someone they have never met, they are probably a scammer. If they write you extremely lengthy emails and manage to convey absolutely nothing with any meaning whatsoever, scammer. If they are an engineer of any kind (no offense if you are an engineer, but seriously they are ALL engineers and do private consulting or own their own business)... scammer. If they are widowed and just want someone to share their life... scammer. (Again, my apologies if you are widowed and on a dating site.) Every single one of these guys meet the above criteria. Every.Single.One.  If they send you flowers and candy (and haven't met you) and then need a large amount of money for a crisis - CONFIRMED SCAMMER.

As you might expect, my mother feels horribly stupid over having sent scammer #1 all of her money. But she still can't see the thread of commonality running here. My job isn't to make her feel stupid. She is a very trusting and caring person who is honest to a fault. Ergo, she believes that everyone else is the same. I was married to a chronic liar for three years. I know that just because YOU are honest does not mean other people are.

And she now says like a mantra, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." What she doesn't seem to understand is that there is always more to lose. Maybe money. Maybe faith. Maybe hope. I believe that this madness will stop only when she reads one of these emails and can clearly see (or suspect) that this is another scammer. I tried to joke with her that if she strung enough of them along maybe she could slowly recoup her money in flowers and chocolate. Or ask them to send something useful like a couple pounds of bacon. Have you seen the cost of bacon lately? I mean that would seriously be helpful.

I have suggested that she change tactics and utilize the Meet Up site here. They have singles groups that actually meet and do things. I sent her the link. I don't know what else to do. I do know that the anxiety over all of this is keeping me in a state of acute migraine all of the time. I don't know how to effectively cope with stress when it lives with me.

Any ideas?

Oh, and I am sorry for unloading this huge pile of horse manure on you. Now you know why I originally titled this blog as Blog Therapy. Obviously, I need it.

Tuesday With Bullets

When I don't have a specific thing I want to talk about, I used to employ the bullet point method. That way I covered a fair amount of ground without elaborating too long on any one thing. After staring at this screen for half an hour and not coming up with a "topic" the bullet point idea looks pretty darn good.

Here we go...

• On Saturday I planted my vegetables in our newly created garden space. 
• None of my vegetables grown from seed were among those planted.
• I killed all of the cucumbers when I transplanted them to larger pots. Adios. And my tomato seeds should have been planted back at the end of December, but I didn't get started on my in-house project until the end of January. So, the tomatoes at Lowe's were much sturdier than my poor plants. 
• The good news: I know now that Florida has three planting seasons. Spring. Summer. Fall.
• I plan to plant my tomatoes grown from seed for the Summer planting... assuming I don't kill them when I transplant them.
• I also planted two tomato plants in Topsy Turvy upside down planters.
• Last year, I planted too late for spring (April) and too early for summer. End result: all of my cucumber plants died. No tomatoes, either. By fall, I finally got some peppers.
• In other words, if we had to rely on my garden, my mom and I would be dead right now.
• I am hoping for better results this year.
• I am, once again, godawful sore from my heroic planting efforts.
• And yesterday I woke up with a migraine from hell. It lasted all day, all night, and I still have it now. Given the fact that it started raining during the night (Sunday). I think that the barometer may assume some blame here. The weather is supposed to clear this evening. I hope that my migraine does, too. You know... back to tolerable.
• My mom met a man using the Christian mingle website. And when I say "met" I mean that he lives 6 hours away, so they talk all the time on the phone or IM. On the one hand, he sounds like a very nice man and I'm happy for her. On the other hand, I am worried that when they meet in person, it will all go Blah. Anyone else have dating stories from friends, family, or your own experience of meeting someone through a dating website?
• I try not to be the "wet blanket," but my relationship meter is set on Extreme Caution. I suppose that hasn't been conducive to actually having one. Hmm.
• A friend from church and I are planning to go out to lunch on Friday and maybe see a movie. So, after church I said, "Oh, the new Captain America might be out." High excitement on my part. She looked blank. I expanded, "You know, Captain America from The Avengers." She said, "I didn't see it." Say what???? I then said, "Have you seen either of the Thor movies or Iron Man?" She said, "No." Hunh. I changed tack. "Did you watch the Veronica Mars TV show when it was on? The movie is out in the theatre now." This is a HUGE DEAL for me. I can't wait to see this movie. She said, "No." Hunh. She then said, "I mostly like comedies or romance movies." Well, I like those, too. I can't think of any that are playing right now that I want to see. I suggested seeing A Winter's Tale a month ago, and she agreed, but it just didn't happen. So... this will be interesting.
•  I set out to read my finished rough draft start to finish on Saturday. I couldn't get past Chapter One. It was awful. Terrible. The worst. So, after making all sorts of notes and marks and slashes, I reworked it on the computer. The new version is Chapter One Take Three. 
• On the one hand, I was thrilled that it was terrible, because that meant my writing improved. On the other hand, I couldn't help wondering how long I was going to slog through this thing before I began to think, "Okay now, this is actually better." If Chapter One is any indication, it could be a long time.

And that is the fluff and bother that is going on here. What's been happening in your world?

IWSG ~ My Rough Draft and My Migraines

Before I do anything else, I want to encourage you to play along in Battle of the Bands. The song for this battle is Time After Time, made famous by Cyndi Lauper. I have three different covers duking it out in this battle. Right now the separation by the top two is just ONE VOTE. And Miles Davis is doing pretty well with 4 votes. He is trailing the leader by only THREE VOTES. This is a close race, so get over there and put in your two cents by voting for YOUR favorite. You can CLICK HERE.

Today is the first Wednesday of the month and that means it is time for insecure writers everywhere to share their fears with the world. Alex J. Cavanaugh started the IWSG and his awesome co-hosts areTina Downey, Elsie, Elizabeth Seckman, and Julie Flanders! Please visit and thank them for helping today. You can CLICK HERE if you want to join the Linky List.

I am closing in on actually finishing my very first ever rough draft. What am I NOT insecure about these days? Right. I am one huge ball of nerves and insecurity. Once that rough draft is done everyone says the Real Work begins. Say what? Real work? This has been worse than giving blood. You mean that my rough draft sucks lemons and I am going to have to really work it over? Yeah probably. Fabulous.

Things we've never done before are scary. 

When we are stuck in a bad rut, and have been for a long time, it is scary. I mean, if we knew how to get out... we would. If we truly understood how we got here, we wouldn't make this sort of choice again. It's all muddled and unclear and worst of all... seems unending.

Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time is familiar with the fact that I have chronic migraines. Back in the late 90s I started getting them sporadically. After I got married, I got them much more often (this just sounds dumb every time I say it now) and after my then-husband's young children moved in with us full-time, I got them daily. Painfully. It was and wasn't the kids. They had major issues from living with their bio mom, but the bigger problem was that their father didn't do anything outside of his comfort zone. He had no experience with raising kids... so that was outside his comfort zone. And anything over that line, he backed away from it, held up his hands, and insisted that someone else take over.

We were married three years. By the end of that time, I was so sick that I had to divorce or die. That was really where I felt I was. My mom was convinced that I was going to die. I'd gone from a successful career in commission sales to spending the bulk of my time in bed trying not to throw up with my head pounding so loud that... I admit it, I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself, but if one of those big holes opened in the ground swallowing my house,  well that would have been a miracle. The good kind. Yeah, that was where I was mentally. So sick I wanted to die.

Fast forward to today. I found a new doctor who referred me to a tapping therapist, changed my diet to NO processed foods and more veggies, and has pretty well weaned me off of most prescription drugs. I am still on a few. I still have migraines. But not severely like I did. Things are getting better. There is nothing else my doctor can do for me physically.

My therapist suggested I read a book by Michael Schubiner, M.D. called Unlearn Your Pain. He says that anyone with chronic pain (and no tissue disorder) has Mind Body Syndrome. Our minds are powerful. So powerful that thoughts manifest themselves in our bodies. For instance, we are embarrassed and we blush. That is something happening in the mind producing a physical response in the body. Other responses like migraines, back pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia, gastro disorders, and more, are more difficult to trace back to the mind... unless you know how to do it.

So, I worked the sheets in the workbook. Wrote down the earliest date I had headaches, stomach issues, dizziness, migraines, and on and on. Then, I had to figure out if ANYTHING traumatic happened to precede these events. Or about the same time. Woah.

Back in 2010, I wrote several times about the hell that was junior high school. I was really trying to sort through my emotional stuff. I knew I had junk in the trunk and releasing it was the only way out. Except I didn't. Release that is. So... junior high school.

Junior high was a nightmare. Our school was a merger of the richest kids in town and those of us living at the lower middle class level. The rich kids bullied the rest ceaselessly. Obviously, some bullies were worse than others. One had it in for me for three years. It felt like arming for war every day those three years. An unwinnable war. That was when the vicious headaches began and I felt sick to my stomach after every meal. Core issues of junior high: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

My marriage was a nightmare. It was a merger of someone who nurtured and gave and someone who took. The taker was never happy with the amount given and always wanted more. The taker verbally and emotionally abused constantly. It felt like arming for war every day. An unwinnable war. That was when the migraines began and the nausea had me throwing up constantly. Core issues of my marriage: I was abused. I was trapped. I lost my voice. I lost my confidence. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

Sound familiar? I was married three years to the day.

As soon as I connected these dots, my migraines started to get just a bit better. I still have issues to work out and release.

Living with a constant migraine has been scary. For the longest time it didn't seem like it would ever get better. No one had any answers. Doctors just kept throwing medication at it. But nothing changed. When something stays the same long enough, the idea trickles in that it might never change. This actually might be your life for the rest of your life. That is scary. I refused to accept that and kept looking for someone with a better answer. Eleven years later I believe I've found it.

I'm not saying I want to be working on this WiP for eleven years. But I know that I can conquer scary things. Because I already have.

BULLET FOR LIFE

image found at www.weaheartit.com

You know what I haven't done in a long time?  A bullet point post.  Those are excellent for times like now when I don't have a singular topic that I really want to blog on, but I have MANY thoughts rolling around in the noggin'.

• I am still working on the novel, for all of you have been DYING OF CURIOSITY regarding this matter.  I can't say that the progress is particularly fast, but I am still working at it.  I find it interesting how much time I spend just thinking about the characters and where the story will go.  Does anyone else who writes do this?
• On my way home tonight, I nearly had a car accident in the round about.  It is a pretty low traffic area.  There are only three lanes of traffic going into and out of the round about.  (In other words the road T's out on one end.)  If you unfamiliar with a roundabout, each car going into the roundabout has a yield sign.  Ergo, if there is another vehicle in the roundabout, you wait until they have passed before entering.  I was behind another car approaching from the bottom part of the T, if you can visualize that, and would ultimately be making a left turn.  While I was in the roundabout, a minivan, who was approaching from the right side of the T,  waited for the car in front me, and then decided to just come on out.  I kept on going, but I really thought they were going to just plunge into my side.  
• Do you think that they didn't understand Yield?  Maybe they thought it meant you take turns.  I am not sure, but it sure took my breath away. 
• Still going to my tapping therapy approximately once a week.  We are now really getting into what I would consider the really traumatic issues.  I have learned a lot.  For instance...
• Every bad thing that has happened to me relates back in some way to Boundaries.  All of my life, my Boundaries have been Terrible.  Some of the worst things that I have allowed to happen to me simply stem from a belief system of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings... even if it has meant doing horrible damage to myself.  
• I don't know how we can teach ourselves, and our kids better younger, that we have value, but this needs to happen.  Yes, being kind to others is very important, but kindness to others at the expense of yourself isn't actually a kindness.  It's a Boundary Issue.  It's actually telling someone that you don't have any.  And people who have Reverse Boundary Issues (they don't respect other people's boundaries) will be drawn to someone with Boundary Issues like a magnet.  I know this to be true.  It is the pattern that I lived repeatedly.  
• In order to break a pattern, you have to see the pattern.  That is freeing information right there.
• In addition to my not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings, I have a Rescuer Complex.  This is actually another Boundary Issue.  The Rules of Life indicate that you will reap what you sow.... unless someone alters the natural order of things.  That someone would be a Rescuer.  
• Rescuers disallow people with other Boundary Issues from feeling the pains of their habits.  For instance, if someone is bad with money, the only way they will get better is if they suffer from their poor budgeting.  If they have a Rescuer in their life, that person will never feel the pain of their mismanagement.  However, the Rescuer will.  There is a Law and someone will feel the pain.
• Let's just say that 20+ years of Rescuing and being in close relationships with people who have Reverse Boundary Issues have taken their toll.  
• The Rules of Life still apply and it says that everyone will always reap what they have sown.  I am reaping what I have sown.  I am reaping 20+ years of acceptance that other people's wants were more important than my needs, as well as all of that Rescuing.  For my trouble, I got a ten year migraine and a host of autoimmune issues.
• So, what I know is this: the spirit rejects these things and transforms this bad thinking into illness.
• Conversely, I must believe as the thinking improves, the manifestations in the body will follow.
• Understanding Boundary Issues has given me a whole new perspective on my life.  I can now see that things didn't "just happen" to me.  I can also own my part in the things that did happen.  Grasping that makes all the difference because getting that means not allowing those things to happen again.  
• It feels like I was asleep for all of my life and I just woke up.  I didn't know any of the Rules of Life and that was why it was so hard.  Life will never be "easy" but it can make sense.

And that is pretty much the news in the Land of Robin.  Please leave a comment and tell me what is going on in the Land of You!

Y IS FOR YES

My theme for this challenge is Passions, Phases, and/or Life Lessons.

Yesterday I talked about how migraines can X Out your life.

Today I want to talk about the Power of Yes.  When you are being X'd Out, you find yourself saying Maybe a lot.  After a time, maybe turns into No.  Eventually friends stop asking altogether.  They know your situation.  Doors start closing instead of opening.

I have a wonderful blog friend who has been on many adventures.  He has lived an extremely full life.  He has also been very willing to pack up and go, with his wife, on a dime when a new opportunity has knocked on the door.  In other words, he has always lived with "Yes" on his tongue and in his heart.  He has traveled the globe, met more interesting people, and done Fantastic things.

Before Migraines stopped me in my tracks, I was "Yes" person, too.  Adventure comes to the person who is ready to seize it.  Love comes to the person who is ready to embrace it.  Once you decide that you are ready to be a "Yes" person, step back and watch your life change.   I believe that once we begin to invite good things into our lives, we will be amazed at how many good things there actually are... that we were missing out on.  In fact, we might find ourselves having to evaluate and sift through this bevy of riches, much like a child in a candy store, who only has a dollar, and there are twenty dollars worth of candies that he/she would like to buy.  Fortunately, the candy will still be there tomorrow, so it is simply deciding what do I want to bring into my life today. Next week.  Next month.  I know I am going to say Yes eventually.  Why?  Because I know how wonderful it is and I now always want More. 

I am not going back to Maybe and No.

Rating: Life Lesson


Are you living the Power of Yes?  Sometimes?  All the time?  Not enough?  Would you like to be living the Power of Yes more often?  In all of the areas of your life and not just some of them?  Would you like your life to bloom and become an adventure because your heart is open and saying "Yes?"

X IS FOR X'D OUT

I have dedicated many a post to migraines over the years.  One of the things that migraines will do is X Out your life.  I have no doubt that other Chronic Illnesses do the same, but Chronic Migraines are my Biggest Offender, so they are the Illness that I am going to speak to right now.

When that commercial comes on the TV asking if you have 15 or more headache days in a month, I always sigh.  It says that if you do, you are suffering from Chronic Migraine.  And you should see your doctor because you shouldn't have to life with a Maybe Life.  Well, I have been in many a doctor's care for the last ten years, and I know all about the Maybe Life.  Let me tell you: it sucks.

It actually X's out your life.  Someone with a Chronic Migraine cannot commit to doing anything in advance because they don't know what their migraine will be like on any given day.  If you know you are going to have a migraine every day (I do), it is always a matter of severity.  Even taking pain killers only does so much to take the edge off of a bad migraine.  Hence, you are always living a Maybe Life.  Or, to put it another way, I feel like my life has been on Indefinite Hold for the last ten years.  However, to be more accurate, it really has just been X'd Out.  Wasted.  Gone.  Flushed.  The best years of my life lost to a Maybe Life.

So, it was Pretty Darn Awesome when we moved back to Florida and I saw my new doctor for the first time.  She had a diagnosis for my migraines and a treatment plan.  She X'd Out all of my pain medication first thing.  I have to admit that I was nervous about this plan.  I had been subsisting on prescription and over-the-counter pain meds for the last ten years.  EXcedrin being the only one that is even remotely effective, if you are curious... She swapped out the pain medication for Phenergan, which is used to primarily treat nausea.  The first four days were awful, terrible, miserable, but then everything settled down to the way it had been.  If I took the Phenergan round the clock, I felt just as I did taking the pain medication round the clock.  Who knew?

I also began to follow the rest of her treatment plan.  I started seeing the therapist she suggested for tapping.  That kind of therapy was completely new to me.  Using tapping, the emotional trauma is released from the body.  It is amazing all of the things that we keep locked inside that make us physically ill.  I knew that was working when I no longer had an emotional reaction to "old junk."  Additionally, I switched up my diet.  More vegetables, more protein, less carbohydrates, no sugar, more water, absolutely no processed foods, and multi-grains were my new menu.  When I combined all of these changes, it made a HUGE difference.

My doctor has since added a few supplements to make up for some genetic deficits.  She wants to eventually get me off of every prescription that I am on as I get healthier.  She believes  my body will be able to restore all of the imbalances in my own system, going so far as to return even my antibodies that are autoimmune back to a normal state.  In other words, my body can heal itself and X Out all of the things that have in the past X'd Out My Life.  I have always believed that there was an Answer out there.  I never stopped looking for someone who would help me get on this Road To Wellness.  After ten years, my perseverance has been rewarded.

Never Give Up.  Always fight for your life.  Don't allow yourself to be X'd Out.

Rating: Life Lesson


Have you ever had to fight for anything even though the battle was long and failure seemed likely?  Have you ever felt you were being X'd Out by someone or something?  Has a hardship in your life ever tested your faith or your endurance?  

I can only tell you what it feels like.

I haven't updated you guys with a Personal Post in a while.  I guess that it is time.

Most of you know that my mom and I moved back to Florida at the end of last year.  For months it was all about the settling in.  Now we have moved on to various renovation projects, as it has become apparent that some are sorely needed.  We are about to be in the middle of a kitchen demolition and remodel.  I have never done that before, but I am anticipating that it will be fun fun fun.  We are also doing several things to make the house more energy efficient given that nothing has been done since it was built in 1976.  So, it is perfectly up-to-code for a house built in 1976, but not so much for a house in 2013.  Let me put it like this: the air flow is terrible.  Since it has been winter, I have been loving it because I LIKE it cooler, and all of the rooms where I spend the most time have *terrible* air flow.  However, when the weather gets warmer, this is going to be a real problem.  So, the entire house needs to be reducted, sealed, and the insulation in the attic needs to be brought up to code.  And that just gives you an idea of what we are doing here.

A friend of ours (from when we lived here several years ago) referred me to a doctor that she found who turned her world upside down and made everything right in her world.  She became very ill after we left.  So ill that this doctor was the 17th doctor she saw in Florida in her effort to get well.  Man, do I know this feeling.  Anyway, we shall call this doctor of the female persuasion Dr. M henceforth.  Dr. M is an M.D., but she is definitely an outside the box thinker.  She ran a Nutritional Analysis on my friend to discover what her problem(s) were.  Once they started treating those, my friend got much better.  She now thinks Dr. M is a miracle worker or something like that.  Anyway, my friend was absolutely insistent that I see the infamous Dr. M when we moved back here.  So, I did.

My appointment was supposed to be at the end of March, but was moved up to mid-February thanks to a cancellation.  I was impressed by how quickly I was seen.  As a person who is well versed with doctors and waiting, shock is actually a better word.  I never even made it to my chair in the lobby before I was called back.  Say what???  Once I got into a room, I never even opened my book before the woman herself... yes, that would be Dr. M. walked in.  I gasped due to disbelief.  I might have even said, "I can't believe it's actually you."  I am sure it sounded totally idiotic... whatever came out of my mouth.

She said, "I am on time today."  Like this is normal.  What universe had I landed in?

She then preceded to take my ENTIRE history dating from when my migraines began.  That would be back in January 2003.  She wanted to know about everything.  My personal history, the nature of the headache, how I had been treated (medically), who had treated me and what they had done.  It was a lot of talking.  She also wanted to know about any new developments in my health, which unfortunately there were.  And she took a look at my most recent lab results.  And then I waited.

Her diagnosis: My migraines were not the primary problem and would never go away using pain medication or migraine medication.  Tell me something I don't know.  So she did.  The migraines are actually a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that was brought on by the constant barrage of  abuse by my ex-husband.  Woah.  You could have blown me off the chair with a feather.  The good news is that it is treatable with counseling from someone who specializes in PTSD counseling.  Not treating it will just cause my body to continue to break down.  My immune system is functioning on high levels right now.  As she put it, "Your body is working overtime just to stay alive.  And in the process it is killing itself."  Yeah, I get the irony.

So, while my body has been working overtime to stay alive I have become hypoglycemic, developed fibromyalgia, am chronically fatigued, and have numerous auto-immune issues.  I have other antibodies that are on the verge of flipping to auto-immune if my body doesn't stop working so hard at trying to stay alive.  In addition to this counseling, I now have to eat way more healthily and often.  The health food store and I are becoming fast friends.  Do you have a Whole Foods in your town?  Awesome store.  Wish ours was closer.  Moving on...

She also immediately took me off all pain medications.  Yep.  Saving the hardest part for last.  Every doctor has always said that the pain meds cause Rebound Headaches.  Well, that may be true, but you have a headache all the time, with or without the pain meds, and it is a whole lot worse the first few days without.  Especially if the doctor in question doesn't prescribe the RIGHT thing to help combat the symptoms.  Dr. M. prescribed phenergan in a suppository (I am not explaining that one) because she thinks I probably have leaky gut (not explaining that either), and I don't digest or absorb like I should.  Those first few days with no pain meds were MISERABLE.  I was in bed praying for death with the axe.  Does anyone remember those posts?  Me imagining how I could lop off my head with the axe, but not able to figure out how I could effectively wield the thing one-handed, and get the job done?  Well, I was right back there again for almost three days.

And then the cloud lifted.  And just using the phenergan was fairly equivalent to how I did on the pain medication... just without the pain medication.  Hallelujah.  Yes.  I literally was ready to sing the entire Hallelujah Chorus.  Or play it.  Whatevs.

Since then, mom and I have actually been out and about.  Running errands.  I actually feel better.  I have had two sessions with the therapist and have a sense about how this therapy works.  I feel hopeful for the first time in what seems like... forever.  I am even driving again.  For anyone who has been reading this blog, you know what a HUGE step that is.  I am not so disoriented and dizzy that I can't drive.  It feels great.  It feels like freedom.  It feels like hope. 


image found at www.weheartit.com

The Oscars and Getting To Know Me.

I watched the last hour of the Oscars last night.  I have been in bed with a mind-bending migraine.  As in literally in bed for days.  I turned on the TV Sunday night just to break the monotony.  Did anyone else find Seth McFarlane not funny?  As in not funny at all?  I thought maybe it was just me and my migraine until Daniel Day-Lewis received Best Oscar for his role as Lincoln.  Now he was hilarious in his acceptance speech.  Maybe they should consider Daniel Day-Lewis as a host for next year's event?  I stumbled onto a recap of the event that was fairly enlightening about all things Oscar.

Alex J. Cavanaugh hit me up with an award. ::The Very Inspiring Blogger Award::  I must say I was shocked.  Alex's page is where I go to get all of the news for everything that is happening in the Blogoverse  He is very much In The Know about Blogfests, New Book Releases, Challenges, pretty much if it's happening Alex knows about it. So, it always surprises me when I see my name in the "content" part of his blog.  It is like getting a hard knock in the solar plexus.  Yep, that is me.  I am the person who was just reading at their computer who is suddenly gasping for air.

Now that I am back down to earth, I have to come up with seven things you don't know about me.  Alex cheated and only coughed up one.

1. I am allergic to shellfish, potatoes, beef, and I choose to eat pork in small quantities.
2. I also don't drink any alcohol because it makes my migraines worse.  I don't smoke either; it completely clogs up my sinuses.
3. I don't own a camera.  I never converted to digital.  It has been on my "must buy" list for a very long time.  I think it is getting close to a decade now... (Yes, it is tiresome always having to borrow my mom's camera.)
4.  For the most part, I heartily dislike Reality TV.  Where is the reality????
5. I had a difficult time mentally making the transition to the Kindle.  I love books.  However, once I did it, I discovered that I loved it.  I still have books, but e-book buying is so much easier, and they take up so much less space!
6. I just moved back to Florida with my mom.  I bought a house and it feels like our lives are caught up in the whirl of renovations.  By the time this is done, this house house should be energy efficient AND easier to cook in:)
7. I just had an appointment with a new Primary Care Doctor here.  She seems to have some new ideas about my migraine headaches AND some new ideas about how to get rid of them.  I am very excited to start working with her.  She meets all of my qualities for a good doctor: she actually listens, she thinks outside of the box, and she doesn't think a prescription is a one-stop solution for everything.  In other words, she actually believes in correcting the imbalance in the body and getting the person WELL.  It is innovative thinking.  I can actually see myself getting better under her care.  Yay!!!!

I get to pass this award on to three Very Inspiring Bloggers...

Jasmine at A Yellow Rose of Texas
Manzanita at Wanna Buy a Duck
Liza at Middle Passages

The Roads That Take You Home

I have been awake for over an hour. That means I have been tossing and turning since about 7:30am, unable to go back to sleep. Now, if you only knew me, you would understand how mindblowing that is. Of course, the beginning of this wakefulness was prompted by a full-blown migraine. However, once that settled down to something to bearable, it just became my thoughts keeping me from going back to sleep.

We are still on vacation. Over the weekend we arrived in the town I grew up in and graduated high school from, blah blah blah. The last time I was here was last May for my dad's funeral. It is so strange to come back here and NOT see him. Perhaps, it is more odd to know that I never will again.

A friend of mine from high school has a twelve year old son who is undergoing chemotheraphy for a brain tumor. They are in the third and final round. The tumor is shrinking and things are looking good. His son has remained upbeat throughout the entire experience. I think that is because his parents, family, and friends have provided a positive outlook, and he has embraced it. This really makes a difference in how someone does in this sort of situation. Kids are so resilient. The brain decides whether or not you get better, so whatever you tell them, that is what happens. Voila. Anyway, he is a brave and remarkable young man and doing so well.

In many respects, kids are like dogs. I mean that in the best of ways. My dog has responded so well to losing her leg to cancer. She was in pain for a few days and struggled. However, she was walking on the first day. A few days later, she was running. She hasn't slowed down since. She wipes out sometimes; she pivots because she forgets that isn't her strong suit, but immediately picks herself up and is off to the races again. I love that about her.

Here's the thing: kids and dogs don't second guess themselves. They just go with what is. It seems like my life would be so much easier if I could learn this lesson. And I freely admit that I am trying. However, I can't seem to help myself. I like having Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. And all of that leads to a lot of second, third, and fourth guessing. I just don't want to be stuck with absolutely no ideas. The thing about this philosophy is that it leads you wandering down the same mental roads hoping you find something you missed the last time you were there.

The mental road taking up all my energy these days is my Schmidt's Syndrome Diagnosis, simply because autoimmune issues are so tricky. It has me on that What If path constantly. Based on the fact that I have other autoimmune issues, I probably did mess up the doctor's blood test the last time I took it by taking the Herbal Adrenal Supplement. Hence, the low results, but the surprising result of it not being autoimmune. So, we are retaking the test in a few months. However, even the doctor has no way of knowing how much time it takes for the Herbal Supplement's effects to leave my system. So, my test could still come back a false positive. If that is the case, I actually do have Addison's Disease. We just didn't wait long enough. The thing is this: the doctor and I both truly believe this is the case. Where the doctor and I part ways is right here: The only way he "knows" to treat Addison's Disease is internal hydro cortisone for the rest of your life, while I would say go back to the Herbal Adrenal Supplement because it is a cure. It actually flipped the antibodies, making them positive. It stopped them from attacking the adrenal gland. All autoimmune means is that your body doesn't know your own body and attacks it until it kills it. And Addison's Disease is literally a death sentence. All hydro cortisone does is slow down the process.

Like every other good thing I have ever done, I found the cure by accident.

Of course, that is IF I found the cure. Unless, I never had it. Unless the antibodies are just waiting to flip on me. You see, this is why it would be better to be a dog. They don't think of this kind of junk. In that case, my death sentence is just out there waiting for me. Or it's out there waiting for me to find the cure. Either way, it sounds very exhausting. At least, at 9:00am.

At 3:00pm, on normal days, I tell myself things like the point of all this health junk is that maybe on top of MY IDEA, I am meant to find natural cures for all of these autoimmune issues for the entire endocrine system. Why? Because that is the next place they are going to take me down if they haven't already. For instance, the vascular system is part of the endocrine system. And it is constriction of the vascular system that causes migraines. And I have had a constant migraine since 2003. Doesn't it make you think that maybe someone should test those antibodies to see if they are autoimmune? Maybe that's just me. But, one website I was on said that anyone with Schmidt's should have their endocrine system checked regularly. Your antibodies can turn on you at any time. That includes antibodies for organs like your kidneys, pancreas, etc. You sort of need those things to work and don't want your antibodies to start attacking them to the death.

Writing so much about health and health issues makes me think even more about my dad. He always felt like Don Quixote tilting at the windmill. He spent the last forty years of his life trying to get anyone to listen to him that natural supplements were the way to go. Prescriptions were band-aids at best. Ironically, he barely got my attention. It was so non-stop that some went in, but most went out. I was like, "Yes, dad, I am taking my vitamins. Prescriptions are bad. And be careful of doctors. They are not trustworthy. Got it."

He was right. Each time you see a doctor, be careful. You are entrusting them with the most precious thing you have: you. If you have an ongoing problem, and the doctor continues to write a Rx, you are getting paperclips and duct tape. That would be an unacceptable fix for your car. Don't allow it to happen to your body. A symptom is a wonderful thing; it means you have a problem and you need investigate until you find the SOURCE. A Rx simply masks the problem. So, dad, I was listening more than you thought. I got it.

It makes MY IDEA even more important. It really is your idea. You just didn't know it. It's your idea on a much bigger scale. Word of mouth taken to a whole new level. I am my father's daughter after all. Not only did I get all of your crappy DNA, I got your fighting spirit. That means I might come up with Plan Zs, but I will never GIVE UP. However, I will always miss you and it will always make me sad that you won't see this come to fruition. You would have loved it. And I would have loved sharing it with you.

I'm sure we'll go by the old house this week. I always stand outside on the sidewalk and imagine doing this, but I never do.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It Went Down Just Like This

I promised you with an update about *something* in my last post. I had my doctor giving so many of my crazy symptoms a name. And some promise for understanding some of my other more painful symptoms. It is like the jigsaw coming together. And I told you I had a purpose for that day. BTW, that felt really good, and reminded me that we need a purpose every day... no matter how large or small.

First of all, I know the medical speak can get confusing. And I don't want to explain something to anyone who is going to say, "Well duh." But I don't want to not explain and leave someone scratching their head, either.

So, I am going to go with the easiest possible terminology whenever possible and over explain. For those of you who have no contact with autoimmune issues. It means it is the body attacking the body. That simple and that complicated. For whatever reason, the antibodies in the body decide that specific tissue, organs, etc. are the "enemy," even though they are not, and launch an assault. You are literally being attacked from within. Not without. And, from my limited experience with this... I have a few of these suckers... the doctors have no real clue what they can do other than band-aid. They have yet to find any "cure." Do I think there is a cure? Yes. When Eastern meets Western medicine and works together, they will find a cure. Until then, not so much. (Thanks to all who have sent me ideas to check out. I am open to alternatives!)

The other thing about autoimmune diseases... if you are diagnosed with one... Be prepared. Slowly but surely, various systems start to turn. It often doesn't happen all at once. But it is the RARE individual who only has one autoimmune issue.

Last, in any health situation stress makes everything worse. For autoimmune cases, I think that stress might be the trigger that fires the gun that turns a specific set of antibodies against you. My theory.

I believe I wrote a blog about The Pain Circle I was in with my migraines back in 2006. That was when I Fell Through The Floor. I really hadn't been able to work in the better part of a year. I had been suffering with a daily migraine since 2003. I was existing on painkillers. But I financially hit the wall in 2006. That was just about the same time that my doctor eliminated everything else EXCEPT an adrenal problem.

I did this saliva test that is way more reliable than a blood test over a 24 hour period of time to measure the cortisol that my adrenal gland was producing. It also measured all of my other hormones. Basically, my adrenal gland was shot and unable to produce much of any cortisol. However, I had this horrendous migraine all of the time. You must understand this: all pain triggers a fight or flight response. The brain immediately sends a message to the adrenal gland for cortisol that IT CANNOT IGNORE even though it has nothing to give. So, it goes to the only source it has: the other hormones. It borrows from them and turns them into cortisol, fulfilling the brain's request for cortisol, but creating an imbalance. That imbalance only made my migraine WORSE. Pain triggers a fight or flight response... And that is THE PAIN CIRCLE. I had been living in that for three years by the time we figured it out.

I sold my house, quit my job, moved out of state to live with my parents, started a vitamin program, also started a 3 month internal hydro cortisone program to help my adrenal gland make cortisol, and hoped for the best. It was better. Not great. But better. The severity of my migraines lessened. Although I could never get off the pain pills. I maybe didn't take as many, but the migraine just wouldn't go away.

When we moved back here in 2009, I had a terrible allergic reaction that completely blew my recovery. Every positive step I made I lost... and then some. I can't begin to tell you how discouraging that was. The body perceives everything as stress. Allergies included. My lesson book was getting bigger. (Relationships, jobs, allergies (food and the other kind), pain, heat, smells.... how big was this list going to get???)

It became clear very quickly that I wasn't going to be able to work at all and filed for SSD. That meant that I became completely reliable on my dad to pay what bills I had. Stress. It also became clear that I was sinking his ship. Once I realized that I filed for Bankruptcy. Add Money/Bills to the List. Or maybe Bankruptcy.

With an SSD claim, you have to see your doctor and a specialist monthly to prove you're sick. But you can't work. This drags on for years. My insurance was terrible. My bills were piling up. Money continued to be Stress. Add to that... the doctors couldn't actually DO anything to get me better because that would really cost something. Uggghhh. Treading water.

Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer in Feb 2011. Stage 4. He died in May that year. Grief, Misery, Death. Add those to the List. Stressed Out.

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer in Feb this year and died week later. Death stays on the List. Stressed Out.

A couple months ago, my dog went through months of pain limping around before being diagnosed with cancer and having her leg amputated. The cancer was bad. Making the decision of how to deal with it was equally bad. Stressed Out.

I look at these as Stress Dominoes. Some were knocked over quickly and some slowly. Some have been set up as early as my childhood since I have been plagued by allergies since I was a kid. My immune system has been at war my whole life. I think my adrenal gland has been fatigued since I was a kid. It just became SERIOUSLY, CHRONICALLY fatigued starting in 2003. The migraine was the screaming symptom. And I Fell Through The Floor in 2006. I have been trying to climb out since.

Vestibular therapy for my inner ear problem alerted me to the problem that things had really gotten BAD. Funny how things work. Because I was there 2x a week, I was getting my BP taken that often. After my aunt died, it dropped. It has always been low, but it became so low that they couldn't work on me. It was regularly 75/50, 79/53, 74/52, etc. Sometimes my top number would jump into the 80s. But then my bottom number would do this: 80/60. My therapist would say, "Robin, there should be more distance between these two numbers. There is almost literally no blood moving." Or should we get lucky and my top number would be higher, but my bottom number would still be hovering around 50. No matter what, it was BAD.

I saw a cardio guy. No heart problems. He said it was probably adrenal. And that was when I saw an adrenal specialist.

Mind you, I already knew going In to see him that I was hypothyroid (under active thyroid). I had been diagnosed with that about six months ago and have been taking the thyroid medication (more or less). Honestly, I wasn't that worried about it because my blood test indicated my case was mild. So, the doctor set me up for this infusion thing. Takes blood and then infuses me with cortisol and then takes blood again for the next hour and a half over half hour intervals.

What I didn't tell the doctor was that I was taking Dr. Wilson's Herbal Adrenal Support Formula. This is something I have taken in the past off and on. I have to get it online and I usually forget to order more. So years can go by without me taking it. Yeah. I know. Anyway, when the blood pressure junk started, it occurred to me that it was probably adrenal, and not heart. I went online and ordered some more and started taking it. I was drinking it that day in my juice as they were doing the infusion. It never occurred to me that I might skew their test.

So, my doctor was very puzzled by my results. The thyroid was a disaster. My levels were off the charts bad. My antibodies were autoimmune. In other words, they are actively attacking my thyroid. Worse news, there is nothing doctors know to treat this... bah. I have my own ideas. My adrenal results shocked him. I know he was expecting those antibodies to be also autoimmune, but they were not. My levels were low, but within the normal range. Not great. And based upon my BP issues, he still thinks it is Schmidt's Syndrome. So do I.

That is when I told him about what I was taking. We went online. When he saw some of what was in it, he became convinced that it was possible that I had skewed his test and we are doing it again in a couple of months. If I am right, and I messed up his test, and my results flip: to me, that says the Herbal Adrenal Stress Formula is working. Yay! To him, I am not sure he is ready to come around. The traditional treatment is to put someone on hydro cortisone. Well, I know from talking to my doctor that it is all well and good in the short term, but not the long term. So I am really not down with that. Of course, what this means is that it would turn into Addison's Disease left untreated. But, I am not considering doing that.

I am just considering going a different way.

My original plan was to order the thyroid equivalent that Dr. Wilson's site offers and see if I can flip his test on the thyroid result. Unfortunately, right now they are out of the product. I will keep checking back. But, if that is possible, that would be *something to see*.

This doctor is a researcher. He works at a research hospital. The way to make someone research anything is to make them believe. If I can flip his test, that would be an awesome first step.

It would be one more domino falling into place. Not all dominoes are bad. It is how Big Ideas come to fruition.


found at www.weheartit.com

It's Got A Name Now

I just got test results back that should be soul crushing. The doctor gave them to me not knowing that I would get on the web and research and research and research. And the more I researched the worse the news would be. The irony is that I am not feeling remotely crushed. I could be if not for a series of circumstances that altered his test making him think one thing and me knowing another. More on that later. Probably a lot more. Turns out I am more like my dad than I would have ever believed. Schmidt's Syndrome. The source of at least some of my problem. It is autoimmune. Of course. Turns the antibodies in your system against you and attacks things like your thyroid and adrenal gland. (Accept for one hitch here which I will explain later, hence my lack of soul crushing as noted above.)

It can also go after the rest of your endocrine system. And you should be checked out regularly, because you can be okay one day and not so much the next. The antibodies can just decide that your pancreas is the enemy one day. Or your liver. Or your kidneys. Or, get this... your vascular system. You know that lovely system that shrinks tight and causes... migraines. You can develop antibodies that attack your vascular system. Who knew?

It sucks being sick. It really sucks being sick and not knowing why.

In other news, I have found a purpose. At least for today. I will share it with you later. It is a small one. But no one changed the world in one giant swoop. It was always with tiny footsteps. Little bits of courage change one life at a time.

Doing More and Defiance

I have been doing some thinking and re-thinking about how to do more writing. As in blogging. As in more often. I actually have several ideas on this subject. Now that my vestibular therapy has been put on hold that I am not going twice a week my doctor appt load feels much lighter. For a while there, I was just so tired from going to a doctor of some kind every day. As in literally every day.

When I think about that it sounds ridiculous. I used to work every day. Once upon a time. Now, doctors appts four days a week just takes it out of me. I am completely wiped. And that may be just one appt or stacked appts. It doesn't matter. However, I used to fit those things in around my work day. It is nuts.

Anyway, I am back to thinking that I need to try and blog more often. So, even though it might not seem like it from where you are reading, I am actively working on ideas. For instance, one of those ideas is reworking the letter meme that I did a while back. The 30 Day Letters. Remember those? I have been tossing around ideas about starting another blog entirely calling it "The Letters I Only Write In My Head." Believe it or not, there are TONS of those. And I can date them, more or less, back to when I wrote them... the significant ones anyway. And then there are the ones I am still writing... lol. Or not writing. Since they are in my head. Or I could just turn it into a 30 Day meme adjusting it around the one I already did changing the recipients. I could leave some the same since the letters would now be different. Strange how that works... You can give me whatever feedback you have on this. I will probably go with my gut, but I am interested in your opinion anyway.

Well, that is just one of my ideas. I have others. I just wanted you to know I was actively thinking about it and not just SAYING I was.

In other news, for those of you who like Young Adult books, CJ Redwine is giving away two copies of her newest book before it hits the shelves. The book is called DEFIANCE and she has set it up that you have to come up with your own review blurb based upon the synopsis of the storyline. She kindly gave us some of the blurbs already out there. Some of them were very funny. This is my contribution as a blurb:

"Any girl who deftly wields a sword has my undivided attention. The fact that she also kicks butt in hand-to-hand combat only seals the deal. This book is a must read." ~Your Daily Dose

I think that they did a nice job with the cover. Makes me want to dig out all of my episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and start over again. Although, I am fairly certain there are no vampires in this book. Just a lot of fighting with swords and stuff like that. Still pretty awesome.



In totally non-related news, since my botox injection procedure for my migraines I have had one day that my migraine was mild enough that I took absolutely no pain medication. That is a first in ten years. It actually made me wonder what a no headache day would feel like, AND to think it might be within my grasp. That thought made me so happy that I thought I might actually burst with it. The truth is that I haven't had a no headache day in so long that I have forgotten what that feels like. I really look forward to remembering.