People who need Papal...

Everything was Pope Crazy today.

Benedict XVI was in town, meeting with our demented manchild of a president before cruising up to Catholic University in that sporty Pope-mobile. What on Earth could those two talk about behind closed doors, I wonder?

If only I were a fly on the wall for THAT meeting...it actually wouldn't matter, because flies (probably) don't understand human speech. They're funny that way.

But it was fascinating to observe the general reaction to all the papal fuss. Most folks seemed to be having fun with it, with jokes at Benedict's expense: Pope-mobiles, sexual scandals, is-he-a-nazi-or-isn't-he, dig those rockin' red shoes, etc... I wondered if the devout Catholics out there were taking it all with reverence and strength, outright embarrassment, or quiet indifference.

I was Catholic-by-association during childhood: Catholic school until 4th grade, mass on Sundays, the whole trip. And frankly, it's no religion for children. That shit scared the liver-flapping hell outta me.

No pun attempted.


As I saw it, God was an old white man with severe "competition" issues, his boy was a blue-eyed hippie fruitcake that was doomed from birth by scripture but had to slog through life anyway (the ultimate 'foregone conclusion'), and these "priest" people were like earthbound lawyers: here to translate and explain the ritual disciplines necessary to be saved, because the whole thing was so bloody complicated.

Oh, and the kicker: Thanks to Original Sin, NOBODY is truly worthy of "salvation" so the best you can hope for is to catch the old man in a good mood when you get to the Reception Desk. Thus, it's a swindle. The books have been cooked by a revolutionary sect that became a worldwide government.

The Holy Roman Empire (who, by the way, stole the concept of urban planning from the Etruscans and took credit for it; just sayin') was to become the most grisly slaughterhouse in human history. And its agents are still with us today.

Anyway;

I left the Catholic scene far behind in the smoking ruins of childhood. Thus, during all this Pope Stuff today, it was almost shocking to find that there was still a Catholic church operating in modern times... Therefore, there must still be real Catholics walking the earth.

Didn't all that just cease to exist when I stopped paying attention?


Now of course this is not a slam against modern Catholics, just some self-indulgent naval-gazing. Benedict's arrival has indeed been thought-provoking.

But I find it interesting that some of the most vibrant and happy agnostics, pagans, Wiccans, Druids, Asatru, Dianics, and Discordians I've ever met started out as Catholics. So maybe it wasn't just ME having nightmares of getting my astral ass kicked by that jealous bearded dude in the clouds.

Enough!

A TV crew from Eurovision has been camped out at the front door of my office building for the past two days with cameras on Thomas Circle, preparing to film something Pope-ish (Popian? Popoid?). I assume the motorcade passed by today shortly after noon, en route to the Basilica, where Benedict was going to host a big bash for the folks of Catholic University.

If I wasn't up to my neck in magazine deadlines, I would've embedded myself in the madness with camera, notebook, and evil grin. But alas.

Next time, Pope. I'll catch ye next time.

Behold the moron majority

Jerry Falwell, long-time evangelical minister and founder of the ambitiously named "Moral Majority" movement, died today at the age of 73 in Lynchburg, VA. Earlier this afternoon, he was found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, and was hospitalized, where his condition was reported as "unresponsive." He died some time later, leaving a great void in the American culture of hate, paranoia, and pseudo-religious fascism.

Today's GOP debates will doubtless be peppered with competing homages to Falwell: yet another reason to keep the television off.

Falwell was instrumental in popularizing the notion that Jesus-worship had a place at the table of American politics. This was the first hint of his insanity. Perhaps his brain was being eaten by syphilis, or perhaps his family should have bought him some tutoring in American History. It seems the Falwell Saga could've been prevented....if only we recognized the danger signs...

One memorable quote was:

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
-- sermon, July 4, 1976

It seems ironic that the college which he led bore the name "Liberty," for clearly Falwell was inspired by the bloodier tales of the Crusades. There was no "liberty" in his plan. Falwell's was a bleak vision of spiritual dictatorship, where Jesus-worship was spread through aggressive missionary tactics. Short of total victory, we were doomed as a people.

According to Falwell, everything from 9/11 to AIDS was the fault of American social liberalism. Apparently, we've pissed off God, so he sent us some nice people in a couple of airplanes to teach us a lesson.

What a sweet thought.

If it's true, I'm sure God and Falwell will get along just swimmingly, now that he's been spirited away... And may the arrogance of his kind die with him.

Laundry on X

Put an extra ZING into your sunday afternoon and hit the laundromat after a stiff dose of ecstasy... it's like a mini-rave in the dryer. A cerebral spin-cycle, if you will.

...as recommended by the Unitarians of Harvard & 16th Street, Washington DC 28march07.

Returning to the scene of the shrine...

I was about ten years old. Perhaps eleven. Certainly not twelve, yet.

By the age of twelve, certain sophistications begin creeping in; a growing understanding of science and logic, and the myths begin to fade. Before that age, mysteries still share the world with adult reality. It is a precious and dangerous time, when monsters or angels might confront you as easily as policemen or teachers.

In those days, I remember being taken to the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC's Brookland neighborhood, for Catholic holiday services... High Mass, you might call it. At this particular cathedral, with its fantastic architecture, it was quite a HIGH high mass. It's perhaps the grandest church in DC. The pipe organ embraces your head from nearly all sides with its tonal mood swings; from whispers to full-on explosions of sound.

It was during those explosive moments of organ music that I locked eyes with that fearsome dude behind the altar: not the priest, he was tiny by comparison. The human priest was a mere insect beneath the truly Fearsome Dude, who lined the convex arch of the North Apse with hands wide, eyes burning with challenge.

What was this crazy, monstrous thing? It was like praying to a savage, feral Sun God who threatened to bitch-slap the entire congregation with one mighty sweep of its bloody palms. The power of this mosaic image was shocking, at a time when childhood still had faith in magic things...

Needless to say, we all made it out alive, and I have since lost my irrational fear of angry gods with the face of Donald Sutherland. But one need not be a Christian to appreciate their churches. They are still quite transformative places. Particularly this shrine; its vibe is still quite potent after all these years.

While browsing the gift shop, it occurred to me that they would do well to design a t-shirt that says "naw, I'm not a christian, I just dig the buildings..."