Change or Crumble or ...

My grand daughter turned two in February.  

It was a fun and joyous event even if she was over-tired from staying up late at my house the night before.  (You do know ... at grandma's house the rules are pretty flexible - like bedtimes!)  Ha!  Her cute little self is pretty much as pure as the day she was born!  Too soon for any real negative 'foot prints' to change that little soul - because she lives in a happy loving home with two caring parents and extended family who loves her with a passion that I never knew as a child.

Opening Birthday Gifts with her Mom

It got me thinking about how 'life' changes you as you walk gingerly through it - stepping over or side stepping difficulties until they can no longer be avoided - and you have your very first negative 'foot print' on your child-like self.  It could be the addition of a sibling that divides your parents' attention from you.  Or an early form of bullying from a peer who is too young to know empathy or compassion.

For myself it was at age 6 when an alcoholic father did something that forced my gentle mom to warn him away, or she would push the baby bottle she was using to feed my infant sister "down his throat."  At age 72 I still remember that scene like it was yesterday.  I think that was the first foot print on my child-like self.  Other memories - less clear - followed over my childhood years - probably not retrievable as a self protective mechanism.  But early changes such as these made me more docile than my true nature probably.

School years were a struggle as well.  I was not a good student - maybe not academically gifted or maybe just too impacted by a less than happy home.  My memories are jumbled but I remember making friends easy - certainly not part of the "in crowd" but not an outsider either.  Inviting friends into my home was infrequent and sleep overs never occurred because in an alcoholic home you couldn't be sure it would turn out well. Best to cover up that fact. In addition bullying is not limited to just this generation.  But I managed to side step those issues by being willing to mold my self to the will others.  I'd learn how to side step difficult personalities thanks to my father - it was just as easy to side step difficult peers the same way.  Many many foot prints were stamped on me in those years by my father and by my peers. I emerged my teen years as a person who was liked but not necessarily popular, content but not necessarily happy and eager to be independent without necessarily knowing what I would do with my life.  A middle of the road person who finds the 'middle' less foot stomp worthy.

When I married I managed to side-step repeating history - no heavy drinking spouse for me.  Chronic drinking would be a 'deal breaker.'  And, to this day, it would still be a deal breaker - even after 50 years of marriage.  I guess that was the first time in my life that I ever put my opinion and my desires ahead of others.

But marriage at 22 years of age is a "crap shoot."  The person you are at 22 (in many ways not fully formed) may not resemble who you are at 72!  So it was for me.  Lots and lots of foot steps trampling  me forcing me to Change or Crumble.  I chose Change.  And change made me harder.  Those 50 years were filled with the highs and lows of children of my own, professional challenges, and heart breaking elder caregiving for 3 family members.  I learned step by step, that I couldn't be all things to all people.  I learned that I was a limited resource and if I wanted anything of me left of me for me - I needed to draw lines in the sand in each and every relationship.  Boundaries were my survival mechanism.  Even with my own children - for whom I would give my life - alcoholism would not be tolerated.  Thankfully - that illness has not found its way into their lives.

Even my spouse - has planted footprints on me that has changed who we are together.  Small little red flags that waved gently in my face at 22 before marriage are still waving glaringly in my face at 72!  It is true that you should never assume you can change anything about anyone.  Those red flags have formed me.  After all ... it is Change or Crumble!  I don't Crumble!  Not in my nature.  I got tougher, more willing to stand up for myself, less willing to choose the middle ground.  And the changes in our married relationship that those constant red flags have forced ... have changed the nature of our married life.  I have often commented that I am not the person he married 50 years ago. If I was, he may not have married such a firmly formed me at 22.  He, however, is very much the same person I married all those years ago.

So I guess there is a third response to life - Change, Crumble or Static!

Wrestling with her dad!  I think she is winning!

My grand daughter - how I wish I could protect her from all those negative kicks in life that change who you are.  Or maybe I should just wish that the changes in her life will all be positive ones... ones that make her a better human being as she grows.  Strong, compassionate, smart, brave.  Shield her from those things that make her hard, selfish, cynical and judgemental.

Reading a book with her Aunt.

Or maybe I should just be grateful that she has the strong foundation of 2 loving parents and close loving extended family - and with those few vital building blocks she will be able to weather all the footprints that want to stamp her out - she won't need to Change, or Crumble or be Static.

She will ... Flourish!

The Difference

(Looks like this will be my October post - 
now that I appear to have dropped back to only one post a month.)

Time is passing at an almost incredible speed ...
While I seem to be slowing down at about the same speed. 

I am more aware of time passing than at any other stage of my life.   In all other stages I was just too busy with other things like jobs, and kids, and hobbies, and travel, and caregiving, and whatever - to ever seriously recognize the speed of time.  Now a lot of those things are behind me and gosh ... why is it passing so fast!!

At the same time it seems I am slowing down - naturally slowing in what I can physically accomplish, mentally juggle and emotionally handle.  In fact, although I still maintain a to-do list (a crutch for a brain that has a 30 second hold time), I generally don't feel obligated to spin my wheels getting that to-do stuff done.  I guess that includes blogging.  Haha!   I still want the list to exist so the items aren't lost into thin air - as so often happens, but I am comfortable letting them sit on that list for as long as it takes.

Ten years ago ... everything I just said would be characterized (privately - in my brain) as just crazy talk.  I would move heaven and earth to accomplish everything.  Now I find "heaven and earth" can wait ... I am busy doing ... well ... sometimes nothing at all - just rambling around in my own thoughts.

And then there is that image in the mirror.

My image has changed for sure when I look into the mirror.  I remember a time when that image got spruced up every single morning, with blow drying my hair, adding making up, and clothing myself in stylish clothes that suited my frame.  Now I accept the fact that my image is who I actually am - and I am not so hell bent on changing it.  In fact, that acceptance has been very freeing.  No matter what I do ... there is little chance I will be mistaken for someone 30 years younger.  So my focus is more how I feel from the inside out rather than the outside in.  Comfortable clothes, moisture cream for my skin and good sanitary habits are good enough.

Is it laziness on my part that I don't try to control all these things as I once did?  Or have I just managed to accept my current stage of life?

Still some of my peers resist relaxing into senior years.  I have watched a few expound on about "never give in!!" or "never give up!!" or "push back that clock"?   Believe me when I say I have seen a few versions of that kind of aging ... and is far from attractive.  If that is what they are going for - attractive - it is an epic fail.

There is a trite but true little prayer that comes to my mind more and more.

The Serenity Prayer 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

And there is the rub ... knowing the difference!

What are the things I care enough to make a difference on!  If I accept the natural limitations of my age like ... I wake slower, I walk slower, I heal slower, I think slower ... really, what is it that I don't accept.

• Getting off the floor can be a struggle.  I don't want to be that person you see in TV ads that can't get up off the floor and needs an emergency button to call for help.
• I want to move freely without discomfort.   I welcome PT and the regular leg exercises to keep myself walking on 2 legs (not 3 legs - a cane, or 4 legs - a walker.)
• Endurance - easy to lose, hard to get back.  Yeah ...  a work in progress. 
• I now call my "to-do list" a "suggestion list."  To-do lists are so over rated!  After all - nothing comes to a screeching halt if I don't do it.  (Gosh that was a hard lesson for my thick head to accept.)
• And ... I encourage the reality that everything I have just said will probably change as years pass and I am ok with that!  

Is that grace in aging?  I don't know.  But I am spending precious (and speeding) time rambling around in my own brain at times to figure out if 'grace' is the right word.  I am also stepping outside myself just a bit and to observe my own travel through aging.  Accepting some things, pushing back on other things.  And figuring out the difference.

 

Knowing the difference!

I think that is my major accomplishment

 in this stage of life!

W - Wedded

W is for Wedded

Several years ago my daughter gave me a small book called Wait For Me: The Irritations and Consolations of a Long Marriage, by Judith Viorst.  She received it as a gift from Ms. Viorst who she knows.  My daughter gifted the book to me.  In this post - as I discuss nearly 50 years of marriage - this June - to my husband, I will feature small quotes pulled from the book.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable

every day to the same human being.

Benjamin Disraeli 

I remember a time when my husband and I traveled to an anniversary party thrown by my family for my grand parents on their 50th wedding anniversary.  We were either engaged or newly married.  I could not imagine 50 years ... so far off - almost an impossible period of time.

The Irritations

I am only trying to help

When I observe that every tie that you wear has been stained

By food you have failed to transport to your mouth from your plate,

And you're only trying to help when you tell me I've gained, 

Along with a lifetime of wisdom, a bit too much weight.

Judith Viorst

When facing our own 50th anniversary in June, I marvel at how different we both are today from who we were in 1969.  Would we have been drawn to each other in 1969 if we were as we are today?  Probably not.  My husband and I are now as different as a circle is from a square.  But we established a home and a family ...  as well dealt with the joys, sorrows and struggles of life.  Most importantly we learned to also make room for each other to grow into the people we are today.  We made so much room for change that the people we are today are not natural pairing of like minds as you would expect in a long marriage.  But that may be the key to our success.  We allowed that difference to develop and we didn't use it as a reason to divorce - as many may have.

In every marriage more than a week old, there

are grounds for divorce.  The trick is to find,

and continue to find, grounds for marriage.

Robert Anderson

The number of couples making it into retirement together (regardless of the years married) is probably pretty good based an informal sampling of my peer group (not scientific I know.)  But couples married in their 20s that are still married to the same person at the time of retirement - well, that number is smaller, I would guess. Finding a reason to divorce seems much more common than finding a reason to stay married for 50 years.

The Consolations

In a world here everyone's powering on and off,

In a world where hacking doesn't refer to a cough,

In a world where nothing on earth is too arcane

For Google to instantaneously explain,

And tattoos aren't only for thugs but for the elite,

It's nice you're as twentieth-century,

As stubbornly twentieth-century,

As hopelessly twentieth-century as I am.

Judith Viorst

So although I didn't see this anniversary when I was younger (and I can recall a few other times when I wasn't sure we would make it), we did make it to that 50 year mark!  How did we do it?

• First - We didn't try to change each other. Although we get in each other's way at times, our paths in life are not "our path" - it is more like "my path" and "his path" but parallel.  
• Second - We believe in the traditional vow we took.  Nothing fancy or made up.   To love, honor and obey until death do us part (although the 'obey' part I have kind of fudged a bit.)  I believe the wording of this traditional vow is the hardest of all vows to keep - short and to the point - no gray areas or wiggle room.  
• Finally, I guess we were just a bit lucky.

Wait For Me

So just in case there's a place where we go when we die,

And just in case you should get there before I do,

I don't, when it's my turn, want to spend eternity

looking for you.

So let's decide where we'll meet.  Let's decide

Where you'll wait for me.

Judith Viorst

Will we make "until death do us part?"  Yes.  But the thought of being the one left behind knocks me  off center a bit.  You see, I married my husband right after my college graduation ... moved from my parents home into our new life - not one day spent as an independent adult.  All those years we shared the responsibilities of living.   But since his disability I have taken over all the responsibilities - from  bills to trash - and everything in between.  I can take care of myself if he dies first ... so that is not the problem.  But who is the person I will be if that happens?   Not someone's child and not someone's wife.   I will need to sort all that out if given the chance - independently, without anyone's help.   It may takes some time, but I'll land on my feet I am quite sure.

I always have.

We've been through "I told you it wasn't worth all that money."

We've been through "For once in your life admit that you're wrong!"

***

Most of the time, what's good overrides aggravation,

And so far we've somehow escaped some really close calls,

Suggesting we're in this together for a duration

That could continue long after the curtain falls.

Judith Viorst

Where is love in this discussion?   Despite all the songs, love stories, poetry and movies ... love is not an easy emotion to define.  It's not uncommon to hear a divorcee admit to still have love for the former spouse.  They just couldn't live together.  As a younger person I would not understand that kind of relationship.  Now after 50 years and lots of growth - I do understand it.  In my heart I believe that there must be more than love for a successful marriage that has staying power well into retirement.  That is true for us - and I believe it is true for a lot of people.

U - Unaware

U is for Unaware

When my mom mentally began to fail in her late 70s, I was unaware of what was ahead.  I was unaware of exactly how much energy if would take of me to be her caregiver.  I was unaware that I would have to break promises I made to her regarding nursing home care.  I was unaware that as her brain failed her, I would find myself at times short of patience.  I was unaware of the total sacrifice of my personal health and emotional well-being I would have to make to care for her until her last breath.

I was unaware of so much.

What I did know was that I could not turn away, put her care in the hands of someone else at the first sign of problems ... not until I tried, until I had no choice.

Mom lived with me for 5 years and then 3 years in Assisted Living and Nursing Home Care.  At our first family meeting with the facility's disciplines of Nursing, Social Service and Life Enrichment, I marveled on how giving, caring, patient and engaging the staff was with my mom.  There was never a harsh or impatient word with her or any of the residents (and I visit a lot and watched a lot.)   I commented that I understood very intimately how hard this elder care was - because I had walked in their shoes for 5 long years.  I will never forget the Social Worker's response to my observation ... "Well, of course, we can do this well.  There are many of us and we work 8 hour shifts.  There was only one of you, and you worked 24/7."  I struggled to keep from tearing up in front of this stranger.  She was aware of the price I paid every single day - she knew very well the sacrifice that was needed.  For the first time in 5 years I felt understood.  Until that moment, rightly or wrongly, I felt I was surrounded by people who were unaware of what I gave of myself for my mom.

I believe that all caregivers who take on this vocation are unaware at some level and underestimate the personal expense it will demand.  It was an isolating life, and it is truly a 'marathon' with no finish line.

It has been 12 years since I moved mom into my home.  When I think of that decision and how unaware I was of the effort I was taking on - I look back and think ... would I do it again?

The answer is - yes!
The other "choice" I could not live with.
I have no regrets.

Would I want my children to take on this effort - on my behalf?
No.  Never.  And I have already told them so.
I know the cost.
Mothers protect their children.
They are unaware.



 

T - Time

T is for Time

Do you remember when you were young and Time seemed to pass ever so slowly?  You wanted Time to go by fast so you could get to the next thing!

• the next birthday - especially the BIG ones: the first 'teen birthday,'  sweet 16 birthday, or the big - 21st birthday.
• the big holidays - for me December dragged on so slowly till Christmas.
• first day in first grade, graduation from high school, first day in college.

Curiously, the older you got, the faster time passed!  When my son signed up for the military and I dreaded the arrival of the day he left for boot camp.  He was on a delayed admission so we waited months before he left - but that time passed in a blink of an eye for me - probably dragged for him.

Time passes no faster or slower than it did centuries ago.  It is just our perception of the speed of time ... but I find it interesting that almost all people share the same perception.  It is probably the only perception in life that we share exactly the same way!

As I aged I looked forward to retirement and having more time.  No one really has more or less time.  Said properly - I would have more control of how I spent my Time in retirement - rather than having more of Time.  And that is the joy of retirement.  

What is not so joyful about Time and retirement is that I am older now.  I know my life span is limited - my Time is limited.  Maybe I have 10 more years, maybe I have 20 ... or maybe I have only 1.

Time becomes more precious - I don't want it to pass quickly. I want Time to stick around a bit longer.  I still have a looonnng list of things I would like to do and see with the Time I have left. 

As I get older the value I place on time is similar to the person who gets a devastating terminal diagnosis.  That person knows for a fact they don't have 10 years or 20 years or maybe not even 1.  What they do have rather suddenly is an increased value of Time.  They see each day, each hour, each minute through a different lens.

I am using a different lens now. 

My only regret - I didn't change lenses 

sooner.

Don't have regrets.

Change your lenses now!  

O - Old

O is for Old

Or specifically - How old is old!

I know I planned to base my posts on personal experience - but really - this particular post would be pretty darn short if I didn't do some research.  It might look like this.

How Old Is Old?

Oh, maybe 95!

The End!

I know.

If you are 25, my current age of 72 is old, but from where I stand, it is not old!  And you can get back to me when you are 72, and tell me what you think is old then!

I managed to find a free ebook on line called 40 Issues for an Aging Society - a Guide for Students, by J. James Cotter, PHD.  It is a very readable quick work - 90 pages printed out (yes, I printed it out) and it covers a broad range of issues (a "starting point") on aging for students (so, inquiring minds do want to know.)  The book is grounded in research with many many references for further reading on each topic.  In his introduction he makes this statement:

"The Aging Tide is coming in.  We have a new frontier of age and aging.  In 1900 about 1 in every 20 persons was old.  By 2030, it will be 1 in 5.  The fastest growing population group is those over age 85."

Wow!  He is talking about me and my generation (crap!!). Those numbers were staggering to me.   In 2030 I will be 83 - approaching that 85 mark.  Being born in 1947, I am at the beginning of this baby-boomer generation that is flooding in behind me.

The third section of his book is called:

How old is old anyway?  The changing View of Age.

It begins with a quiz.

How do you know when you're old?
    A - It's the number of years since the date on your birth certificate
    B - It's how much more effort if takes to walk up that long hill.
    C - It's when society tells you you're old.
    D - All of the above.

His answer?  D - All of the above is the answer.    Hmm....

Dr. Cotter quotes the work of Ken Dychtwald in Age Power.  Mr. Dychtwald suggests a change in the way we look at older ages.  He suggest these categories:

      Middlescence - 40 to 60 years of age

      Late Adulthood - 60 to 80 years of age

      Old Age - 80 to 100 years of age

Ok!  I am liking Mr. Dychtwald's ideas!  I am ok with the label Late Adulthood!!

I am not saying that to be funny!  It is pretty much how I feel physically and mentally.  Granted, sometimes in the morning I feel more like 90, but once I get my "engine running," I feel like I aways did in my 50s!

Increased life expectancy has changed the definitions of old.  Dr. Cotter makes the point that in Ancient Rome the average life expectancy was 20 years!  Gosh!  That sounds sooo short.  Glad I wasn't born then.  In America around 1900, the average life expectancy was 45 years.  I wouldn't happy with that either.  Today, at my age of 72 - my average life expectancy is 84.  Of course Dr. Cotter notes that many elements play into those totals - "the advances in medicine and health care, ethnicity (inequality persists,) and environment."  But as you can see - the definition of "old" slides upward as time goes on.

Not to be a "Debbie Downer" - but I can't help feeling that man is designed by nature to live only so long.  We are organisms, after all, and not meant to live forever.  I wonder if we have finally pushed the envelope of exactly how long we can live productive healthy lives - given the limitations that are probably hard wired into us!  Just a personal observation - not based on anything I have read.

Dr. Cotter ends the chapter on 
How Old is Old
 with this statement:

      "The best definition of old - 

ten years older than your current age."

I was thinking the same thing!  

N - No

N is for No!

Ahh!  

The Power of No!

I knew the power of No when I was 2 years old - about 70 years ago.  But, as all children learn soon after they learn that glorious word, parents like Yes better than No.   No ... the word fell out of my vocabulary pretty rapidly - especially when it was followed up by time outs, angry words, and fewer treats!  (I am willful, not stupid!)

No got very little use until I was in my 50s.  And I am very sorry to have waited so long to resurrect the use of the word No.

In retirement and in your older years, No, becomes very very important!  The word No becomes your friend.  My mom was a Yes person until the day she died.  I guess she learned from her parents as I did - that Yes was easier.  It pleases everyone when you say it.  And generally, it makes life easier to everyone else if you say Yes.  But it typically makes your life harder when you always say Yes.

I got a lot of practice saying No to my mom when I was her caregiver.  "No, mom, you can't put that hearing aid in your mouth."  "No, mom, you can't drive your car if you go through red lights."  "No, mom, you can't refuse this medication if you want your heart to beat normally."

I even got good at saying No to doctors and nurses.  "No, my mom can't have contrast for her MRI - her kidneys are failing!!"   "No, I won't let her be discharged from the hospital until you fix the XYZ problem!!"  "No, she can't swallow pills.  Use another method (duh)."  I said No to those folks a lot.  And let me tell you ... doctors generally don't like it when patients and caregivers speak their minds.  They are looking for a Yes!  And if you ask them to explain exactly why your No should be changed to a Yes, some doctors just don't have the time for that!

I made sure my own children were paying attention to all the times I was saying No on my mom's behalf!  Listen up my darling children - It is ok to say No on my behalf if I can't speak for myself in the future.  No, I don't want to be kept alive by machines.  No, I don't want to live with either of you.  Assisted Living or Nursing Care is just fine if that is what is necessary!

My daughter is employed in the Retirement Continuing Care Industry, and she understands the needs of seniors, knows my wishes.  She has it all worked out, however, in her mind.

She informed me recently that she will not need to stand up and say No for me ... because she won't get a chance to get a word in.   I will be busy shouting my orders, directing my wishes, pointing my finger at everyone and saying No, No, No - loudly and often!*

😝

She's probably right!

*PS - One other thing about No people.  They aren't all that easy to take care of in their senior years! I intend to be a handful!!  (If my children are reading now - there is a whole lot of eye rolling going on.)

L - Loss

L is for Loss

A realistic overview of Retirement and Aging cannot be complete without talking about the topic of loss.  It is, unfortunately,  a depressing but predictable and part of the aging story - universal regardless of your income level or social standing.  For example - even Prince Philip in England has finally had his driving privileges withdrawn after a serious motor vehicle accident.

The impact of age and its resulting losses knows no boundaries.

All humans experience normal gains and losses throughout their lives.  Generally normal gains out weigh losses easy in life.  What is different in the elderly, is that losses far outnumber the gains as each year passes.

If you are not following my line of thinking let me offer an example of my mom's gains and losses in her years with me.

Mom had lived a very normal lower-middle class life after dad died in 1970.  She was a secretary, she never owned property, she drove, owned a car, saved money, and traveled.  Sure, she had losses during that time, but she also had many gains.  Independence, consistent employment and standard of living, a growing group of friends, great health, a close family, a comfortable retirement and lots of free time.  It was a typical gain-and-loss kind of life - the kind most of us live.

But then aging started to slow down her retirement mojo and her losses began to outnumber her gains.

It was noticeable in her late 70s - the losses looked something like this:

• Trouble making decisions. (A loss of confidence??  Maybe.  But not her style)
• Unable to balance her check book. (Definitely a red flag - she was always smart and great with numbers.  My husband took that over.)
• Watching TV shows with little or no story line to follow. (She stopped reading for the same reason.)
• Friendship circle began to shrink - some moved, some died, and some just slipped through the cracks of memory. 

These were all small and manageable losses, and she could function well enough to "fake it."

As the cost of living began to over take her retirement income, we encouraged her to move in with us.  That decision took 2 years to make and she was 80 at the time of the move.  The move represented a partial loss of independence, but a gain for her in the family "safety net."

Once she was living with us I noticed other losses.

• I noticed some odd behaviors.  (Loss of logical thinking.)
• She got lost driving to an event in her old neighborhood. (Loss of some memories.)
• She once drove through a red light while I was in her car. (Loss of attention??)
• She began to have problems parking in pull-in spaces. (Time to give up driving.  A BIG loss of freedom but a huge gain for safety.)
• Poor decision making on medical issues. (I started attending her doctor appointments.  I had to monitor her medications.)

Now we had reached the point of frequent hospitalizations where the losses built one on top of each other.

• Heath status declined along with quality of life.  (Loss, loss, loss)
• Frequent falls.  Frequent infections.  Frequent in patient rehabilitations.  (Each episode a loss - with a new lower level of "normal.")
• Finally unable to climb the stairs into my townhome.  (Loss of strength - resulted in a move to Assisted Living)

Serious losses that she could never get past.

• She moved into Assisted Living - a high quality community. (Loss of regular family contact - although I visited her 4-5 times a week.)
• Retirement "nest egg" she so carefully built over the years began to shrink with great speed.  (Every check I wrote on her behalf made me sad for her - $9,000 a month eats up years of careful saving.  The speed of loss at this stage is enormous.)
• She resisted community activities.  (Loss of regular social and mental stimulation.)
• Her health surprising remained stable for 2 years before she developed skin ulcers on her legs (a sign of other pressing medical problems beyond control due to her age.)
• A last hospitalization resulted in placement in the Nursing Home.  (That loss was the biggest of all - she never wanted to be in a Nursing Home.)
• Her dementia during this time was sliding downward quickly.  (Loss of names and faces and relationships.  She even lost her ability to swallow.  She never lost her faith in God.  Even in the worst of times she would pray.  I think she continued to know my face to the end - even if she didn't know my name.) 

Her losses always became my losses, too.  I struggled as her caregiver to fight back against this aging decline and dementia.  I lost the fight every single time!  And I cried a lot during this whole downward slide.  I hate to lose and I hated watching her lose!

There are a few blessedly lucky and genetically gifted seniors who live independently and in good health well into their 90s.  THEY are the exception.  We all hope we can win the 'Age-Well Lottery!'

I no longer mourn my mother's dead.  

Everyone will die.  

It is the way of nature.

I do continue to mourn my mom's losses.  

She deserved better from nature in her last years.

She was cheated!

One last sincere request from the heart of a caregiver. 

The next time you feel annoyed with a senior ... any senior ... try to remember -

  almost all seniors are losing slowly with everyday that passes.  

Try to show patience - understanding - compassion.
But most of all - patience!

You have not yet walked in their shoes.

  I guarantee, 

it will be harder than you can imagine.

L
IS FOR LOSS

THE ABSOLUTE WORST LETTER OF THE ALPHEBET!

K - Kinks

K is for Kinks

If you are under 50 you probably don't know what I am talking about
when I say "kinks."  

Over 50?

 I bet you do!

I remember being a morning person in my 20s and 30s.  That sunny morning disposition died miserably somewhere in my 40s.  

Mornings became a periods of "adjustment."  Could I get out of bed without injuring myself, without talking to anyone, without losing my way to the coffee pot, without burning myself with hot coffee - and - without spilling it on my way to my LazyBoy recliner to sit take that first sip ...  all those individual victories without caffeine.

Much of my morning routine now is based on avoidance activities - honoring the messages my body sends about little "kinks" that must be eased out gently before anything too demanding is done ... like answering the telephone.

And after about age 65 - those "kinks" need to be considered at other points during the day as well ... like ...

• Like when I attempt to turn over around 3:00 am and my calf muscle seizes up with excruciating screaming pain.  My actual 'favorite' experience (NOT) was when BOTH legs seized up at the same time. Attempting to jump out of bed to break the cramp looked like I was trying to balance on 2 broken legs!  My husband is legally blind so he missed my herculean effort.  

• Like when I get out of bed in the morning and my body says "Not so fast. Walk carefully and deliberately no matter what your bladder is saying."

• Like when I attempt to get out of my car after a long drive, and my back and knees remind me - "Hey, you must be kidding, we've been sitting quietly for over an hour - and NOW you want us to jump into action??"

• Like when I have been knitting for a few glorious hours stress free hours, binge watching my favorite Netflix shows, and I decide to release my fingers from a knitting needle to scratch my nose and I hear the message radiating up my arm from my fingers - "You can knit or you can scratch but you can't do both so close together!!" 

These are the "kinks of my 70s." 

 I can hardly wait to experience the future kinks.

The Kinks of my 80s

The Kinks of my 90s  

J - Juggling

J is for Juggling

If you are older, try to remember the many tasks your 25 year old self juggled in one day.   If you are still young - take a moment in your busy day to check out your future.  

Let see ... I pick a typical Friday when I was 25 years old, married, a grade school teacher and pregnant.  

Friday looked like this:

• Pop out of bed before 6 am
• Dress while sipping coffee (thankfully set up the night before.)
• Feed the cats before breakfast - Clean the litter.
• Feed myself breakfast standing at the counter making a bag lunch
• Make a quick grocery list for food shopping (budget for the week was $20, ha!)
• Quick review of Friday lesson plans 
• Commute to work
• Stop for weekly gas fill up on the way
• (We will skip the school day where I juggle the hundreds of things grade school teachers do in 8 hours.)
• Gather up next week's lesson plan materials and papers to grade. 
• Commute to grocery store - Fridays were food shopping day right after work - and stop by the liquor store to pick up some cheap wine fizzy something.  Liquor wasn't a no-no for a pregnant woman 45 years ago.
• Do a fast unpack of groceries, a quick clean up of the apartment upon getting home
• Fix dinner, eat quick, and clean up
• Prepare a few dips for chips and veggies for visiting Friday night friends.
• Slap out board games and snacks
• Grade a few papers while waiting for guests to arrive
• Entertain until say midnight
• Spot pick up after company leaves
• Set up the coffee for Saturday morning
• Hit the sack at 1:00-ish am.
• Inserts bunches and bunches of bathroom breaks in-between other things (remember - pregnant!)

Saturday

• Off and running again for weekend fun activities and school work prep.

This is the 72 year old me - trying to remember what the 25 year old me juggled 45 years ago.   Exhausting to my eye now - but I don't remember being all that tired then.

That was then!

Today!

Some demands are gone, of course, and some are changed - no job, no commute, not pregnant for sure.  Still married - however, husband is disabled (legally blind), and needs more assistance.  Today a 72 year old me might prepare for a Friday - with company like this.  

Wednesday (Yes, Wednesday!!  Give me a break - I am older.)

• First off, there is absolutely NO POPPING OUT OF BED on any day of the week!! 
• Make a list of everything I need to do - without the list I would just sit and knit or read.
• Vacuum and dust.
• rest
• Prepare the menu and grocery list for the next week and for Friday company.  This prep is exhaustive - checking cookbooks for recipes and reviewing grocery store sales.
• rest
• Cook Wednesdays dinner, eat and clean up.
• Assist husband with finding an item he has lost, or searching Amazon for something he wants to purchase, or sending an email on his behalf, or problem solving a computer issues he cannot find on the screen, or picking up prescriptions on his behalf. 

Thursday

• Food shop - this takes all morning now - no fast spin through the grocery store.  There is more checking for cheapest prices, reading food labels to insure a choice is healthy, doubling back to previous aisles to get things I missed the first time through. (Lots of doubling back.  Sigh.)
• Unpacking groceries and repacking certain items - freezing, labeling, reorganizing - making sure things are where my legally blind husband can find them independently.
• rest
• Begin to prepare food for Friday night company dinner.
• Order take out dinner - which I pick up because my husband doesn't drive.  Reality check:  No standing and cooking tonight's dinner after food shopping and cooking for the next day.  
• Assist husband again with something.

Friday

• Compete food prep for company
• rest
• Do a pick-up sweep through the house
• Do a liquor store run - for company and for us  - Yes, we have a nice cocktail once a day - one of the benefits of aging and not giving a sh*t.  (See?  It isn't all gloom and doom.)
• Clean the guest bathroom so it isn't a health risk, ha! (I don't think I ever worried about health risks at 25 - remember, young ... I was going to live forever!)
• rest
• Set out appetizers (now I call them appetizers instead of snacks 😝)
• Serve dinner and entertain until about 10:30 - fading out occurs about that time after company prep.
• Pick up after guests
• Collapse in bed around 11:00 pm

Saturday

• Recover!  Schedule nothing! 

So what lessons have I learned about juggling all the balls of life with this exercise?  

• Thank God I am not trying to juggle a job as well.  Yea!!! For Retirement!
• Lists were never part of my 25 year old life - my brain retained everything.  Everything I tell you!!   Today?  My brain still retains stuff like before, but the retrieval window is extremely short.
• I can't abuse my body by eating crap appetizers only!  We serve dinner.  (Sigh, those were the good old days, when dips and chips were good enough!!) 
• The cost of living is crazy more than almost 50 years ago.  Weekly food budget has increased from $20 to $120!!
• Question of the Day:  When do I get to retire from cooking dinner!!!  My next life: Marry a chef, who wants me out of "his kitchen.".
• Still taking lots of bathroom breaks - 72 years old, you know! 
• I remember laughing at my mom who would schedule exactly one thing a day on her event calendar!  One thing!!!  I couldn't imagine why!   

I get it now, mom. 

Sorry. 

Observations of Living in a 55+ Community

Do you ever look back at a major life decision and wonder if you would have made the same decision if you had known then what you know now?

After 2 years of living in a 55+ community, I have made some interesting observations about this style of living and our decision to move here.

When this community was being built in 2007, it was a very popular option for interested seniors.  I understand from some original owners that there was a waiting list for units.  New owners initially fell between ages 55-65 ... younger seniors.  All moved in within a year or two of each other as the development was built.  All had similar motivations and were inspired to make this new style of living successful for themselves.  Newsletters, committees, social activities, and active board of directors (some report an over active board that ruled with an iron fist) were the norm.  Naturally there was an excitement in wanting to make your "new home" perfect.

That is what I briefly know about this communities early years!

I have impressions of how this community has changed over time and what it is now.

We moved into this condo when it was about 14 years old.  When we were searching for a condo we looked for specific things: an evaluator, less living space to manage, lower living costs, a reasonable condo fee, pet friendly, geographically close to our kids, and a property that was cared for and financially viable.  We weren't looking for some of the more typical considerations - amenities like organized social activities, business center services, or exercise equipment.  In fact, we were initially not even looking for a senior community and we were looking for places without those typical amenities.  The fact there is no newsletter or committees or social calendar is just fine with us.
we did not want to pay for things we would not use - those amenities comes with a high dollar price tag in the form of elevated condo fees.  Nothing is free.

Some of you were readers of my blog as I struggled with the decision to move and to find the right place.  You might remember just how emotionally draining and exhausting the whole process was.  I have some observations on the pluses and minuses of the decision I made two years ago.  

• Plus: Ease of interior maintenance - since I am the one doing all the maintaining - this is important.  
• Minus: Vanilla is not my favorite flavor - I like variety.  I miss the mix of residents that we used to have - families with young children, singles, Halloween Trick or Treaters.
• Plus:  Definitly cheaper - a big plus.  We have an adequate retirement, but time and inflation can eat into that nest egg.  Expenses are stable here with no large jumps in the condo fee.  No external issues to manage like when the roof leaks or the snow falls.  
• Minus:  Less control over making sure the exterior is repaired and maintained.  Property ages.  Halls need painting, hall carpet needs replacing ... now at 16 years old, this property needs on going maintenance. 
• Plus:  Quieter - neighbors are more considerate of how they live their lives and how it might impact others than in more vibrant younger communities. 
• Minus:  Moving after 55 - at least for me - means leaving behind a place called home of 30 years.  That same feeling will be unlikely here. 
• Plus:  More time for me and my personal pursuits.  
• Minus:  Some folks who live here are aged past the point of being independent safely.  That is an issue everywhere, but when you live in a senior community, it is more evident.
• Plus:  You can build new friendships among your peers when you are surrounded by your peers!  I have been very lucky to make several friends in this community.  

Nothing is perfect - every style of living after a certain age carries some concerns.  We certainly could not have anticipated some of my minuses and pluses when making this decision two years ago.  But despite the minuses - I am still content with our choice.

It is nice to know that!

Glad that looking back didn't result in regrets!

Approaching Another Anniversary

Next month we will have lived in this condo for 2 years.  

Hard to believe that much time has passed.

As long time readers know, the transition from our townhouse of 30 years to a 55+ condominium community was very hard for me.  If my husband was not disabled, we would probably still reside in the townhouse.  It is where the most important experiences of life happened and almost half my life was spent.  We made improvements that were long overdue.  It was pretty much the way we wanted it to be - except for the steps.  We couldn't improve away the 20 steps from the parking lot to our front door ... not counting the flights of steps between floors.  I couldn't ignore the falls my visually impaired husband had on those steps.  His falls were like little warning bells in my brain - better find a safer place before something more serious occurs.  Circumstances dictated that our time there had come to an end.

The condo finally feels like it belongs to me - and not me living in someone else's space.  The pluses of this condo remain. It is safer, easier to maintain, cheaper and exactly the right amount of living space for 2 retired folks in their 70's.  When I think of what it would be like to return to our townhouse today ... I can't wrap my brain around how it would work.  We are in the right place now.

Looking back I can see that we timed our move just inside a critical window of energy and ability.  Each decade of life seems to have its own defining characteristics.  They are usually not discovered until you are living through them.  I believe my 60s could be described like the month of March except in reverse.  "In like a lion, out like a lamb."   Without detailing all the many tasks involved in buying and selling property or the scope of sorting, downsizing and moving all your worldly possessions ... simply stated, moving takes an enormous amount of energy when you are 69 facing 70.   With each passing year, that effort gets only harder.  It's like ramping up the effort of living into high gear when nature is downshifting your body so you can "go the distance."  Opposing forces for sure.

From 2 years out - I am grateful we did what we did ... when we did it!  Because I was in the driver's seat for all that move, I was drenched with uncertainty, anxiety and fatigue through all of it.   I am so thankful that I can look back at that experience and know that there are no regrets.  

Yes, 

approaching the second anniversary of our move to this condo

 is filled with peace and confirmation. 

You can't ask for more than that!

70

Today I am 70.

70!

A big number.

Of course, I can't help wondering how big that number will finally be.  Guess everyone thinks about how long they will live at some time or another.

For some reason my 60s weren't a big deal.  I seldom thought about just how long I would live while marking each birthday anniversary in my 60s.  Maybe the 60s were a big deal for our parents or grandparents, but with the state of medical care and improved longevity today, the 60s were just a bump in the road for me.  Looking at my family history - my mother and her relatives lived well into their 80s - some into their 90s.  I am my mother's clone.  But there are no guarantees in this aging path for any of us.

No matter how I wrap my mind around it, 70 is different.  To my ear, it sounds like I am talking about someone else's age - not mine.

It is right about here ... when well meaning people (usually younger people) whip out the common platitudes about aging.  You know the ones ... age is just a number, you are only as old as you feel, age brings wisdom, you should be grateful for the years you have, etc. etc. etc.

Make no mistake!  I am grateful for this 70th birthday.  Really!  Many people never get the opportunity to age - a few of those unfortunate folks were my peers.  So my feelings on this day are are filled with gratitude.

Regardless ...  sweep all those typical feel good statements aside ... 70 is a big number to me.  I really really want it to sound like a smaller number.

My guess is when I am facing 85 ... 70 will sound like a smaller number!  Ha!

I noticed recently on CNN that the oldest person in the world just died at the age of 117.  How anyone knows out of the billions of people on this earth exactly who is "the oldest person in the world" - is beyond me.  But 117 years of age is a HUGE number.  I wouldn't aspire to that age - unless I could be sure to be mobile and of sound mind.  Since I am not sure I am of sound mind now (ha!), I guess that knocks me out of the running to beat her record.  I bet this lady would think that 70 is a small number.  But 117 years of age would be too big a number for me.  My world presently would look entirely different at the age of 117.  For example: the age of my oldest child if he survived would be 91 years of age.  Gads!!  Worse yet - if he didn't survive and I had to live through that loss.  No, no, no.  I most certainly do not want to live that long.

That leaves me wondering which advanced age number would satisfy a desire to have lived a full life.  I couldn't begin to guess that number.  But I can confidently say that 70 is too young to say "I have lived a full life."
Hmm ... 70 .... too young.  I think I can live with that!!😛

Happy Birthday to me.

Early Stages

So what does this picture of boxes suggest to you?

If you thought of 'moving,' you would be right!

We are facing a move and we are in the very early stages of that enormous task.

Long time readers know that I live in a 3 level town house with 2 full flights of stairs.  Those who followed the blog during the years my mother lived here know that I also have 20 common area steps to climb to reach my front door.  49 steps in all!  Some may also know that after 30 years of wonderful service to my family, this town house has gotten just too big.  Too big to heat and cool, too big to clean (3 1/2 bathrooms for 2 people is too many toilets to clean and does anyone really need 11 closets,) and too much in taxes and upkeep for retired folks on a limited income.

I frequently hear things like - what a lovely setting, how well maintained, the neighborhood is great, and .... huh, just how many steps do you have??

Last year we began talking about moving.  But my husband and I were of two minds - so the topic was dropped.  This year, with me facing 69 and him facing 70, (yikes) the topic of downsizing brought us to the 'move' question again.   The realization that on this day we are as young as we are ever going to be was a big motivator to get serious.

So the downsizing parade has begun.  Lists of furniture and objects that will not travel with us are underway, conversations with the realtor and our bank are in full swing, and packing has begun.  All very early stages, but started in earnest.

And let me say this now ... it is exhausting and at times overwhelming. We should have done this years ago, but years ago I was exhausted and overwhelmed with caregiving.  The timing was never right for a move.

So I plan to take you with me during this 'adventure' (nightmare.)

Hold onto your hats!

In closing - a personal observation about aging as it relates to change and big decisions (and this move is a big decision.)

I learned through practical experience how the aging brain handles change.  Not well!  It looks very much like ... nothing.  No movement, no change to upset the status quo.  There is comfort and security in the known.  Lack of action makes a weird sense as time marks your body and mind.  Looking to conquer even small challenges is not on your radar.

In early senior years the brain may continue to function well, but it is easy to slip into faulty thinking about the future.   "I don't need to change anything.  Yes, this isn't ideal but I can handle it now, and yes, I should be able to handle it for years to come."  And in a small percentage of the population that may be true.  But can you be sure you are in the small percentage.  Hard to know.

I have seen the initial stages of faulty thinking in myself this year.  Last year I was 100% in favor of selling the townhouse and moving.  I saw the writing on the wall of our lives.  It was all plain as it could be.   We need to move.  I was 68 last year.

This year I am 69 and the tiny web of resistance to change crept in.  Again I started to push for a move.  My husband started to see the logic of it, but I began to second guess myself.  There were days when I wondered is this the right thing to do.  After all, we are handling it now, how terrible would it be if we didn't change anything, yes, I know all these steps are not ideal for my disabled husband, but he has fallen only once on them.  We are doing just fine now.

See what I mean?

Next year I am 70

 and who knows what I will be able to talk myself into not doing.

The early stages ... the clock is ticking!

More to come.

God's Plan for Aging

With the popularity of Facebook now-a-days, I rarely get fun stuff circulated in my email as I used to.  That actually is a good thing.

But today a friend forwarded this piece of 'wisdom' to me - it is worthy of sharing.  I would love to give credit to the one who wrote it originally, but that information seldom follows with the text.

Since my theme this year is 'Move', it seemed somewhat appropriate - except I plan to 'move' far more than this piece implies!

Enjoy!

God's Plan For Aging.

Most seniors never get enough exercise.  In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so the would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.  And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.  It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to remember as we Grow Older 

(my personal favorite is #6)

1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers.  What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message.  

This is your only warning.

Happy Thursday to you all!!

Move

I live in a neighborhood that was built about 30 years ago.  My husband and I are original residents so I remember a time when all the growth was young and not very big.  I love the maturity of the vegetation and how it provides a cool and shaded space to live and walk.

Really, there is no excuse for not walking in my neighborhood.  It is safe and well maintained and comfortable.

But for some darn reason finding time for walking is always a struggle for me.  This spring I started out so well with a routine of regular exercise.  Then the house renovations started.  Three weeks of painting, and a week of kitchen renovation ... and all those weeks and weeks to prepare and clean out and recover.  No walking then.  And some days the heat was more of an assault than even these lovely trees could cope with.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

That is all those barriers were ... just excuses.

Last week I began again to establish a walking routine.  And I kept thinking about the why and how of my struggle with this simple habit.

And then I saw it.  The example of what happens to you when you don't keep active.  I saw it on my walk and it is a picture I just might put on my fridge to motivate me.

This is an old road way that was closed to through traffic over 30 years ago.
It ends at a creek where the bridge was washed away in a long-a-go hurricane.

Do you see it?

It is so obvious that you might miss it if you are looking too closely.  The side walk suddenly narrows.  Oh, the side walk is still there - hiding under the overgrowth of nature, but the path shrinks remarkably when not tended.

I live just to the left of this picture.

Here is the view with me standing on the narrow path.  And literally, this is where I feel like I am looking at my walking life at present. Standing on a narrow untended path.

You would think the example of inactivity in my mom's life would put the fear of God into me.  And it did for a time.  But images like that fade from memory.

I am a very visual person.  I do best with graphic examples.  My visual memory is petty darn good as evidenced by road trips when I could find my way back without a map - because I had "come this way before," ... even it is was years and years ago.

And so, in my walking world, I have come this way before.  I am standing in a place that is not well tended and I see where I want to go.   Aim for enough activity to broaden the path - my life.  This image also accurately shows how quickly you lose stamina over 60.  When I was 30 I could hold onto energy without much effort.  Now if there is no effort, the path narrows very very quickly.  Nuts!

This aging process certainly is a whole lot of work.  No wonder so many folks just give up and sit!

Out of respect to the body that got me this far - I am a bit more reasonable about expectations, but "reasonable" is not my normal mode of operation when it comes to exercise.  I am wired to be a competitive person - always looking to do more - be the best - aim for the lead.  And because of that exercise has always been "all or nothing" thinking.  After all, you can't be competing all the time.  Competing means there is a start and a finish - and someone wins.  This less younger version of me has had to readjust that thinking.  Walking doesn't have a start and finish as a habit.  The goal is not to be a winner, just physically a more active version of me.

Now my goal is to just move!  It isn't important that I beat last month's time, or walk more miles than I did last week.  The goal has slipped comfortably into what makes sense now - keep moving - and hold onto 10,000 steps a day average.  Those steps don't have to be fast, they don't have to be all at one time - but they should happen ... just happen!  As far as goals go, this one couldn't be more simple.

So here I go again.

Pedometer says today I have only 525 steps - at 8:23 am this morning.  Only 9,500 more to go!

My Time Machine

Recovery from care giving is taking longer than I thought.

Not recovery from mourning a loss - although I still miss mom every single day.  No, this particular "recovery" is more related to my current life ... more of a constant discovery of where I am in the aftermath of care giving.

Don't get me wrong ... I can't imagine making different choices for the last 10 years.  Nope!  I would do it all again.  But I must have naively thought when all this care giving stuff passed into my personal history, I would just pull up my "big girl" panties, square my shoulders ...  and move on with  life exactly as I planned when I was 50.

Reality has been different.  It is more like a time machine experience.

When I stepped into the care giving time machine I was in my late 50s.  I was working and looking forward to all the free time and activities of a planned retirement.  Now I have stepped out of the time machine. I am ten years older.  The landscape of my life has changed - inside and outside.  My previous plans seem to have drifted away like a puff of smoke.

And strangely that is ok!

I suspect that this is nature's way of slowing down the "busy-bee mentality of living" and making space for a more mindful life.  Instead of running around checking off my retirement list of to-dos, I find my days naturally shifting in a different direction.

***

I can hear the comments rattling around out there.
  

"Huh oh!
She has lost it.
What the heck is she talking about?

Did she read this in a book somewhere?

Is she drifting into a esoteric space?"

In my defense I guess this is what happens when you have the time to think about things.  Weird stuff pops out.  :-)  But stick with me a bit longer.

***

Looking at the arc of my life from the 30,000 foot perspective - it looks like this:

Rocky childhood

Good health

Education

Stable marriage

Wonderful kids 

Professional success
Good friends

Nice abode

Dedicated care giver

Retired.

Good health (still)

Family Longevity

In the grand scheme of life, I am one of the luckier individuals on this planet.   Other than my early years and my care giving experience,  my life followed a predictable and satisfying pattern.

So the real question is ... what now?

I thought I had the answer to that question - I had retirement nailed!  Topping the list of activities was travel, volunteer work, a fun part time job, hiking .... just to name a few.  But I don't have this period nailed down at all.  My retirement plans seem jumbled and not in sync with where I am at right now.  And I think I know what happened!

 Mother Nature stepped in while I wasn't looking and said ...

 "Hey you, listen up!

You have slipped into the arc of your life
where things are processed differently
 in your mind

 and in your body.
You need to respect that.
So get over yourself!"

Ahh, thank you very much, Mother Nature, for that in-your-face reminder!  I didn't build any of that into my retirement planning.

Now my retirement has a more realistic focus:

Stretch those muscles every night so you can walk upright every morning.

Gently greet the new day and don't expect too much before coffee.
Keep walking so you can stay on your own two legs.

Eat carefully so your stomach doesn't punish you.
Drink water - dehydration is not your friend.

Simplify. Simplify.  Simplify.

Enjoy friends and family.

Read.

Knit.

Think.

Gracefully accept the gift of a long life by respecting the body that got you there.
And thank Mother Nature.  She really does know best.

If I could still have a wish list ... it would have only one bullet point:

• Live in a world where the elderly are respected and relevant.

(Hmm... thinking, thinking)

Balder Dash!
Get rid of wishes.  They are a waste of time!

 I don't care about what the world thinks.
Respect your self, I say.
Don't see my worth?
Good riddins to you!
Your loss!
Step aside.
 You are in my way!
:-)

Yep!  That time machine has changed ALL my landscapes!

In 10 years ...

I recently discovered a blog called Paula's Place.  I enjoy following her posts as her current life  somewhat mirrors some of my past and current experiences.  She is a caregiver for her husband who is now in hospice.  I encourage you to visit Paula's blog and say Retire Knitter sent you!! :-)

She offers readers a chance to share thoughts about how you see yourself 10 years into the future.  Other participants can be found at the above blog link.

Myself ... in 10 years

Gosh!  At first I didn't want to do this.

I thought,

"Ten years in the future??  I don't know if that is a good idea.

  Ten years into the past I would never have imagined I was doing what I am today.

  My life looks nothing like I planned.  The future is so uncertain.

  Why set myself up for disappointment, wishing for things to be

 how your rose-colored glasses imagine when life has other plans for you?"

Then my old "goal-centered-self" shook a finger at my "curmudgeon-self" and thought,

"You silly person, sure life is uncertain,

 but you set up this blog thinking about how you wanted to live the next 20 years of your life.

 Maybe you should re-focus, maybe you should look at those goals again,

 maybe, just maybe, 

you can pick goals that you are certain you can attain - that are in your control."

So here I go ...

10 years from now ....

Stuff I have some control over.

• I will be 76! *gulp* (But on the bright side - I plan to be alive!)
• I will look in the mirror and see only the marks on my face of a wonderful life.  (If I can't do that, I won't look in the mirror.)
• I will be happy. (No one controls this but me.)
• I will be healthy. (I am the main contributor to this.)
• I will be active. (I will be active, I will be active, I will be active, I will be active ...)
• I will be financially independent. (Fingers crossed)
• I will look at my blessings, not my limitations. (hmmm .... tattooed on my forehead.)
• I will still be knitting, weaving, reading, and enjoying friends and family. (Otherwise I won't be breathing - and I will be at Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival yearly until I am not breathing! Maybe even when I am not breathing I can get someone to take my ashes there!) 
• I will be living in a much smaller place with less stuff.  (Amen!!!)
• I will live in the moment - not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today! (Another tattoo)

Stuff I don't have control over.

• I will celebrate my 54th Wedding Anniversary!  (I won't be alive by myself!!)
• My husband will still have enough vision left to enjoy life.  (Prayers for that please.)
• I will have my family members close by.
• I will have healed from losses of loved ones that I know are in my future. (deep breath)

And the BIGGEST goal of all will be at 76 to look another 10 years into the future at 86 and and say, 

"Ha!  Age is just a number

  and I will celebrate each anniversary of my birth

 like I did at age 6

 with enthusiasm and zest

 ... and a big piece of buttery vanilla cake

with a big fat sugary red rose right on top!!!"