The Power of NO!

During my years as a working person I had one boss (a lovely and caring individual) who coined this statement with her employees.

"The answer is yes.  Now what is the question?"

At the time (12 years ago) I thought it was a catchy statement.  It seemed so positive, so open, so engaging.  And it was something I always remembered it.  I thought it was something to immolate in my own life.  It matched my perception of who I was ... a perky, happy, open and accommodating person.

Over the years since that job, I learned that the answer "yes" to every question was not necessarily helpful, or truthful or healthy.  I began to wonder if she learned that statement in a management course or book on how to manage teams.  I became more skeptical and resistant to stock statements and catch phrases.  I learned through some difficult life experiences that "yes" is not always the best answer.

And now as a grouchy older woman I find "no" to be the best answer in many situations.  My path from a "yes" person to a "no" person is not so dismal as you might think.

Here are the situations where "no" really is the best answer.

• No, I don't want my home to be filled with too much stuff.  I don't want to struggle finding things that I know I have but can't find.  I don't want to buy a 6th hammer because I can't find the other 5. (sadly not an exageration)
• No, I don't want to end my life in a wheel chair or bed bound.  I don't want my family to struggle with managing my end of life dibilitation.  I don't want to linger in a marathon of stuggle and pain.  
• No, I don't want my personal time filled with activities and obligations that I don't enjoy or value.  I don't want to say "yes" to requests because it is more socially acceptable to do so.  I don't want my personal time (that is slowly ticking away) filled with others expectations.

But really, as the quirkiness of language can sometime show, the "no" statements can be restructured into "yes" statements.

• Yes, I do want to get rid of that 6 bags of stuff I decluttered.  I do want to minimize my belongings so that I can find and use them.  I do want to value the things I love without having them buried in stuff I don't.
• Yes, I do want to keep active, flexible and engaged in life - so I do want to exercise and stretch because I want to keep control of my own life and not abandon that responsibility to my children. 
• Yes, I do want fill my hours with fun, thoughtfulness and happiness, and my perception of what that is exactly is my decision to make - not someone else's.

For me "no" is a more empowering word.  I learned the value of "no" in saying "yes" to caregiving. Strange as it seems, I said "yes" to a huge responsibility, but "no" was where I learned how to stand up for myself and for my mom.  "No" to doctors, nurses, social workers, other family members, and religious professionals when I didn't accept their point of view ... "no" to administrative types and billing folks .... even "no" to my mom when her deteriorating brain failed to serve her well.  It was in those last years I learned that "no" was more powerful than "yes."  In fact, I was told several times near the end of mom's life, "You never gave up on your mother."   True.  It was an observation made because I said "no" far more than I said "yes."  

I really wish I had been wise enough to 12 years ago to challenged that little management "yes" statement ... maybe with some carefully worded questions that wouldn't get me fired like ...

• Can I have a 25% increase in pay?
• Can I have a corner office?
• Can I have a 3 hour work day without a cut in pay?

I bet I could have massaged a "no" from my boss's lips.

So - are you more of a "yes" person or a "no" person?  

And don't let my post sway you from your opinion.  

The world is filled with "yes" people.  

And with enough challenge in life they just might graduate to "no" people.  

Really, all the interesting people in life are "no" people.

:-)   

Who are you ... really!

So who are you .... really!

I mean really,

 underneath,
inside,

where no one sees but you!

The real you!

It is the kind of question that some people find difficult.  They spend their lives being someone else because -

• they don't like who they really are,
• or they were formed by parents to be one way and find breaking those habits too hard,
• or they don't know who they are because they are so busy just "fitting in."

One blogger I follow, Chatty Crone, addressed that question in a recent posting called  Thursday Thoughts.  As I read her post I thought - wow, I could have written some of this!  I wonder how many people can relate to that feeling after reading her words ... or after reading my words.

So I decided to answer that question about myself - because I am not the same person I used to be just a short time ago.  Please check out Chatty Crone's posting to see if it rings any bells for you.

My first 60 years can be summed up in one word: conform.  Raised in the 50's (a conforming period) and the 60's (a non conforming period), it was a confusing and changing time.  But by the 60s, I strove to fit in and to not challenge. Some of it was in deference to my mom and the dysfunctional family we lived in.  I wasn't into causing her any more headaches.  Some of it was because I am (was?) an easy going person.  I was also raised within a religious tradition that was big into conforming.  If you didn't conform, if you questioned, there was guilt.

Self esteem, independent thinking, trusting your instincts, questioning, self direction ... were not ideas that held any meaning for me growing up.  I grew into adult hood, selected my professional path from the narrow range available to women at the time (secretarial, nursing or teaching) and married the weekend after my college graduation.  I followed the path that was expected of me.

It wasn't all bad.  Luckily my selection of a husband was good.  We are in our 43rd year of marriage and we have 2 wonderful kids.  I wouldn't change any of that.  But so many other decisions over the years were tempered and limited by my learned response to conform.

When I look back on that point in my life, I despair at my lack of vision and independence.

When I was 60 the transition began.  Mom moved into my home when I was 59.  The years between 60 and 64 were increasingly difficult years:  growing care giving responsibilities, constantly increasing demands, changing roles, and, at times, unsupportive and challenging attitudes from unexpected places.

Those years changed me.  It was like a baptism by fire. I learned to speak my mind, to question authority, to take definitive action, and most importantly, listen to my gut rather than the opposing chatter around me!  I learned to set aside previously important relationships.  I learned to put myself first, finally.  I learned to question even the most basic truths of my religious upbringing without guilt.   I am not saying any of this is easy.  Sixty years of habits are hard to overcome.  But the change is now solidly established within me.  There is a different me!

For my mom, I still do the same things she has always expected.  For her and her alone, I can set this "new me" aside as it would only cause her stress ... old age is hard enough without expecting her to adjust to a "different" daughter.

And so Chatty Crone opened a flood of realization.  I wonder if my care giving years had never happened, would I still be cruising through my life living the expectations of others and seeking to conform.

Just like the zebra in the picture above, I look the same on the outside, but on the inside - I am facing in a very different direction.

Note:  I think my butt is smaller than the zebra's.  At least I hope so.  :-)

(Gosh, is that a cultural conformity that I need to shed?  Most certainly!)

Nuts! Too soon over - the ride home

I knew this moment would come.

Nuts!

I delayed the trip until 3:00 in the afternoon. The roads were quiet going home. No need to take pictures. Nothing had changed from the ride out. But I had plenty of time to reflect on the weekend.

I had a great time. It was quiet, except for all the laughter, and the sharing, and to cooking, and the eating, and the crafting. Hmm .... now that I think about it, it wasn't a quiet weekend at all. :-)

I had taken a ton of pictures, but suddenly I realized I never got a group photo. In fact, I seldom took pictures of people. Panic! Maybe I should turn around, go back to Ocean City, and get that shot. No. The pictures I had were perfect as they were. We were not "groomed" for pictures at any point that weekend. My hair never got combed the whole time, often we just stayed in pajamas the whole day. But those images that never made it into my camera - the happy faces - are tucked away in my memory where they will be safely kept.

I also took a few other things home with me.

The weekend began with the distribution of Goodie Bags!

How cool was that?

My bag's message reflected the feeling of these three days for me.

I will think with joy of that weekend every time I see this charming bag.

I bought candy for mom from The Candy Kitchen.

She has such a sweet tooth.

My cousin, Linda, gave me an ocean side oil painting she created.

She sent it home as a gift for mom.

My cousins (both of them) are hugely talented artists.

This image says so much about the beauty of nature near the water's edge.

As I approached

The Bridge

I realized that I was going to be provided one last beautiful image.

Sun Set

Soooo out came the camera once again.

And the snapping began.

As I took pictures traveling over this previously feared bridge,

I realized just how much I changed this year.

It is going to take more than this bridge to make me fearful.

This year I faced down some hard personal situations.

I came out the other side of a hard year.

I am different.

After the sun set, darkness quickly fill the sky.

By the time I got to my street, it was night.

Soon I pulled into my parking space.

I looked up to my living room window.

Do you see what I see?

There in the window.

A pair of ears silhouetted in the light of my home.

Those perky little ears belonged to just one dear dog.

Milo

Milo was expecting his grandma.

And she was thrilled to see him.

Thank you

Linda

Leslie

Susan

Elizabeth

We made a wonderful weekend.

Until next time ...

Steve Jobs

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking.

Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice.

And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.

They somehow already know what you want to become.

Everything else is secondary."

~~Steve Jobs

Thanks, Steve. I couldn't agree more.

You will be missed.

You are just perfect!

This mirror spoke to me. I found it hanging in the doggie day care lobby and had to take a picture of it.

Think about it!

If people would focus on the good in themselves, their positives over their negatives, look at life through a mirror like this one ... they would be happier.

So much unhappiness is based on poor self esteem. In a effort to boost their own feelings about themselves, they find fault and are critical of others, they focus on the negatives in life, and they define friendships by how much they are the same rather than celebrating the differences.

How sad. I sometimes stuggle with these feelings myself, especially if I have been the receiptent of a careless or thoughless comment, or an unfair and hurtful conversation. But when I saw this mirror, the simple statement seemed to resonate - a reminder that I have much to offer and much to be happy about.

The blog posting from Happy One yesterday seemed to "mirror" (sorry, I couldn't help myself), my posting today. Below is a partial quote I stole from her blog. Check out the full quote at Happy One's blog here.

"Happiness and joy do not come from the outside but from within you.

They are the result of a conscious decision,

a deliberate choice,

one we make each day."

Joyce Meyer