The case for young motherhood

To those of you who are thinking about when to start your family... I want to give you a message that isn't too popular these days: it can be really, really great to start when you're young. Our parents, bosses, peers, society and the entire feminist movement urge the opposite. They (generally) seem to say, finish school, grad school, become firmly established in your career, have fun doing things "you can only do when you're young" ... then, after all that, settle down with some kids. Don't cheat yourself by wasting your youth on changing diapers and sleepless nights. Put in the long, hard hours earning credibility early in your career, otherwise you'll never make partner. Basically, only have children once your life is already "over."

Growing up, my mom and dad advised me to wait until I was 30 to get married. Before then, I wouldn't really know myself and thus would be in a poor position to find a good life partner. Then I got married at 24. They thought it went without saying that I would wait until 30, at least, to get pregnant. After all, I was in law school and I would need to graduate and start my career first. But I had Timmy when I was 25. Now I'm just shy of 27 and I have a 14 month old baby on my hip. I'll be starting my career with a husband and toddler while many co-workers are single and unconstrained by familial duties. I am in bed by 10pm most nights while the vast majority of my friends, childless and unmarried, stay up late, go out to bars and enjoy late brunches on weekends to cure their hangovers. At this point, Timmy is still a novelty and he hasn't impacted my friendships negatively, but I am prepared for the possibility that I'll grow apart from some current friends who have less and less in common with me as time goes on.

Right now, I can't comment on how being a mother will impact my career or my friendships, but I can tell you two things: 1. it is relatively easy physically to be pregnant, give birth and parent a child when you are young and 2. in some ways it will be better to have freedom to do what I want when I'm older than it would in my 20s. I'm not trying to say that everyone should have babies when they're young, that it is "bad" to wait until you are older, or that what I say is true for everyone. What I am saying is purely anecdotal and solely my personal opinion. But I would have liked to hear this side of the story when I was trying to decide whether to have a baby while in law school, so I thought there might be someone out there who would like to hear it now. Finally, a friend (older and wiser) told us that regardless of when you have your first baby, you will look back on it as the right time and you won't be able to imagine your life without that baby. This was certainly true for us. If we hadn't had Timmy, I never would have been able to spend the (almost) first 2 years of my firstborn's life at home with him, enjoying watching him grow up.

1. It's easier when you're younger.
How do I even know that? I have only been pregnant once, so there is no comparison. But I know a lot, A LOT of moms in their late 30s and early 40s. Of all the moms in my neighborhood playgroup, the large majority dealt with complications in their pregnancies, and most delivered between 3 and 9 weeks early. Several had to, or now have to, turn to in vitro fertilization. They tell me I am lucky that I have the flexibility to wait a few years to have another baby since I am so young, while they feel forced to "finish" when they are still young enough. Of course, unfortunately any woman could have to deal with complications, pre-term delivery or infertility. It just seems that it is more common among older women. There is a chance that these correlations may also affect the health of the baby, although nothing has been proven and I certainly don't know enough to make that claim.

2. Freedom will be nice when I'm older.
I will spend my mid-to-late twenties, and possibly my early thirties raising young children. Instead of taking nice vacations, a quick rendezvous to Vegas or building a career free from the hindrance of family obligations, I will be juggling a husband, kids, home, work on little sleep. I gave up being able to drink all night, sleep in all morning, and do what I want whenever I want. But to be honest, I haven't missed much yet. I feel like I got most of my irresponsible behavior out of the way in college and living in New York City as a 23 year old. We didn't really have the money to go on lavish vacations now anyway. We enjoyed 4.5 years as a couple, just the two of us; while we could have spent more time on our own, I feel like it was enough to build a solid foundation and make some great memories of our early days together. But having a family is more fulfilling than I ever dreamed it would be. And starting out so young has, I believe, allowed us to grow together, dream big and have fun now. Plus, when our kids are off at college and we're in our mid-40s, we'll have the time, money and perspective to really enjoy some nice vacations alone. Not to mention appreciate peace and quiet at home. While our children are growing up, playing sports and in school plays, we'll be young enough to enjoy those things right alongside them.

Nothing in life is perfect. There are days where I look enviously at my childless friends, going out to dinner parties during the week or spending their fun money on indulgent shoes and bags rather than at Baby Gap. But when you have to make choices and carve out your own life journey, if you know you want "it all," husband, job, kids, etc..., it's nice to have time and flexibility to make it all work for you. I hope PJO and Timmy will agree.

A Glimpse

This will be my third week of taking Timmy to a new mommy & me class. It is every Friday morning at a local school (former elementary school turned adult education center). 13-17 months is the designated age range and it is for walking toddlers. This makes Timmy on the younger end of the spectrum and one of two babies who finagled his way in despite lacking the ability to truly walk on his own.

The class convenes around a big white circle painted on the playground for "circle time," which consists of singing, dancing, playing instruments and floating a parachute. Then every mother-toddler pair march inside to the tune of "little red caboose, chug chug chug" for snack time. Timmy climbs into a "big" plastic kid chair and sits at the table to eat whatever is the snack that day. He sips water from a little paper Dixie cup. When he is finished, he "helps" clean up. Then it's time to play outside for the kids, discussion time for the moms. The moms act as babysitters in shifts...the first half watch the kids on the playground while the second half discuss that day's topic (relevant to being the parent of a toddler). After 30 minutes they switch. Finally, story time and arts and crafts end the class. Then I bring a tired out baby boy home for his nap.

I signed up because I wanted to really engage Timmy in fun activities and enjoy doing something I probably won't be able to do with any other kids I may have. The class receives glowing reviews and has a wait list about 30 people long. Best of all, it's $52 for the whole semester and is taught by a woman who is really great at what she does. Even though it's a parenting class, I never really thought I would learn how to be a better parent from it. I've made it through almost 14 months as a mom now, I know his quirks, I know how to do a lot of things for him. And when I don't know something, there is a whole universe of information at my fingertips.

But this class is teaching me how to teach him new things, how to assume he can do something even if it seems too advanced for him, and how to help him learn and interact with other kids in new ways. It's not me deciding what, when, or how to do something, so he has to take his cue from the teacher. There is something so amazing about seeing my young baby respond appropriately to a stranger. That, more than anything else, lets me know that he is growing up and learning and becoming his own person. It makes me feel like I can step back for a moment and just enjoy watching him, knowing that I must have done something right. And really, it makes me so excited to think about what he'll be doing 4 months from now and 4 years from now.

The first day of class, we sang a song at circle time where we went around and said the name of everyone who "came to school today." The teacher looked at the parents when we finished and said, "just think, by the end of the semester, they'll all be saying their own names!" Several of us gasped. It is just crazy to think that he'll learn and change so much, so soon. This is the first glimpse I've had into Timmy's future life as a student and I love it. It will be a very exciting day when Timmy goes to school for the first time, and not just because of the back to school shopping I'll get to do!

Didn't go to school that day

Sometimes I wonder if I lack a certain "girl" gene. I love shopping and fancy china and pretty clothes. My list of favorite movies is almost exclusively made up of romantic comedies. I adore a good glass of wine at girls' night out (with chocolate on the side).

But I have no clue how to accessorize, do my hair or makeup, or pick out which clothes look good on my body type. While I wish I could present myself to the public as a polished woman who takes pride in her appearance, I find that I don't quite care enough to make it happen. When forced to choose between staying in bed 30 minutes longer or showering and blow-drying my hair before Timmy wakes up, I choose the former. When debating spending 5 minutes to put on make-up or go out bare faced because I probably won't see anyone I know, I choose the latter. When getting dressed, I choose jeans and a t-shirt over the dress because it's just more comfortable for chasing around a toddler.

I blame my mom for not teaching me these "girl" skills, but I guess that I should have taken it upon myself to learn them at some point between junior high and now. When I go out with some other moms from my neighborhood, they frequently comment on how young I am; I am starting to think they are commenting on my appearance more than my age. I know this will matter a lot more when I start working and I loved reading this article on Corporette today. While I don't shop at Express for anything, much less work clothes, I am most definitely guilty of looking like an intern at work.

Luckily, I am at least aware of my problem (half the battle, right?). Also fortunate for me, PJO was convinced to spend a portion of our tax refund to improve our wardrobes. So I want to know, where do I learn (really, have someone show me) how to do my hair, put on makeup and wear accessories? What pieces should I buy to upgrade my wardrobe? What tips do you have for looking polished and put together even when you're short on time, money and sleep? What regular female maintenance do you consider mandatory and what is just a luxury?

Run for Fun?

Like most former athletes (probably), I have a love-hate relationship with working out for the purpose of being in shape. There is nothing better than exercise-induced euphoria or noticing my clothes fitting better because there is smooth muscle where there once was lumpy fat. I also enjoy thinking of myself as an athletic, energetic person, which can be hard to do when I eat ice cream on my couch more often than I break a sweat.

At the same time, no workout will ever be as enjoyable as my athletic career was during my prime. I played volleyball in high school and 1 year in college. I played indoors and beach. Playing volleyball is an amazing workout and the cross-training we did was super effective. Cardio, strength training and plyometrics ... talk about SWEATY! They didn't seem like such a chore when I did them with all my friends and I knew I would be a better player for having done them. And no one (i.e. myself) can push me as hard as my coaches did.

I miss playing a lot. I miss feeling like a part of the volleyball culture. When I would go to an AVP tournament, I would see familiar faces all over the place. I went to Misty May's setter's camp back when she was the best American woman college player at Long Beach State. Karch Kiraly, a friend of our club director, would give us motivational speeches and talk about his legendary career, showing off his gold medals he claimed were normally kept in his kitchen drawers. Volleyball was my life for a long time, which made it easy to stay in shape.
Now, I am always trying to fit in workouts, but it's never consistent and it's rarely enjoyable.

When I say enjoyable, I actually mean it. There are plenty of workouts I can get through without actively hating it or wanting to quit, but few that I look forward to, have fun doing and feel better afterward. I can think of two off the top of my head: yoga and swimming. And really, unless you have a specific fitness-related goal, what's the point of working out unless you like it?

I have a jogging stroller but I just don't find running enjoyable. Instead of enjoying a post-workout high, running usually just reminds me of my weak lungs and tender shins. I save running for when I am super motivated to work out.

I always look forward to Yoga and wish the class were three times as long as it is. I know, I know, I said I didn't do yoga. I used to think it was boring and I didn't quite get the whole culture. But then I found a place that specializes in "yoga for athletes" and doesn't do the whole chanting, ritual thing. I find it hard, challenging and super effective.

And swimming...well, I have never been good at swimming. I worked up to swimming a mile a few times a week, but I don't know how to do flip-turns and I'm probably not using great form. I would love to take a few swimming lessons this spring, maybe at the local college. Swimming laps is super convenient and cheap for me...there is a nice lap pool in my community. But I haven't been going lately because I prefer to swim when it's light outside. I like swimming because it's relaxing and I can feel my muscles strengthening while I do it.

It's hard to work out when you have a baby...I either go before PJO heads to work or once he gets home and Timmy is in bed. The YAS (Yoga and Spin) class is at 5:30AM, and I would go every day if it weren't expensive. There is a video that I might check out, although my past experience tells me once I buy it I will never actually use it. I'm fairly active...I walk a lot and carry around a 28 pound baby. But I don't consider it exercise unless I sweat. This is how it becomes all or nothing...I will go days or weeks between hard workouts with nothing in between rather than doing moderate, easy-to-maintain exercises daily. If I can't get my act together now, I can only imagine how sedentary and lazy I will become when I start working. Eeek.

Hiding the goods

When Timmy started eating solids, we delighted in the fact that he seemed to prefer green vegetables to fruit. Our kid LOVES his vegetables and shuns the unhealthy or sugary food YOUR kid is eating, we scoffed. At the time, my mom reminded me that she would hide vegetables all the time in our food so we would get some nutrition. I laughed and thought, you must not have introduced healthy and delicious food to us early enough. You must have caved and fed us sugar-laden treats and heavily processed meals.

Fast forward 6 months or so...

Picky picky pickiest eater. He loves a lot of fruit, most dairy and almost any grain. Vegetables? Almost never eats them. He'll tolerate a puree mixed in with his morning oatmeal. He'll eat corn, beans and some other small diced veggies he can eat with his fingers. He eats yogurt with fruit and veggies in it. But you can bet your ass he will NOT touch steamed broccoli "trees" or cut green beans. I still offer fresh veggies every once in a while, but it's really not worth the effort to prepare them every day only to be turned down without even trying them. I needed something that I knew he would eat so that at the end of the day, I could tell myself he had a small serving of veggies in his diet.

I found this recipe and modified it (a lot). Timmy LOVES them. I plan on making these tomorrow (also heavily modified).

3 finely shredded carrots
2 finely shredded zucchini
1 14.5 oz can pureed pumpkin
2 1/4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup sugar (plus 1/4 C brown sugar)
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 C no-sugar added applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1. Gently toss together carrot, zucchini, and pumpkin; set aside.
2. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda and salt.
3. Combine eggs, applesauce and vanilla; stir into dry ingredients just until moistened (batter will be thick). Fold in carrot mixture.
4. Fill greased or paper-lined mini-muffins cups two-thirds full. Bake at 375 for 16 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
5. Cool in pan 10 minutes before removing to wire rack.

How do you get your kids to eat veggies?

Independent and de-boobed

Today was the first day I neither nursed nor pumped. Thus marks the end of 13 1/2 months of breastfeeding. So anticlimactic.

I never thought I would breastfeed for so long and I never, ever thought I would like it. It took me by surprise, and I wouldn't trade away all the drama an exclusively-breastfed baby caused because that experience is something that really means a lot to me.

The weaning process was so completely easy and natural. Starting at 11 months, we began giving Timmy cow's milk about 3 times a week (with the doctor's approval). Right after a year, he started getting it once a day every day. Then a week or two later, I only nursed when he woke up and before bed. For the past two weeks, we were down to just mornings. He never seemed to mind. This morning he seemed a little upset when I didn't sit with him on the couch, but I distracted him with oatmeal. I think I was ready to stop, and I'm certainly glad to be getting my freedom back after sacrificing little things for so long.

But. Part of me is already sad that phase is over. How could I not melt when I would ask him if he was hungry and he would look at me and laugh and snuggle up to me? Or when PJO would bring him in our room in the morning and he would spring from his arms, say "mamamammamama" and crawl excitedly across the bed to me? Or when I would hold a freshly bathed and wonderfully smelling baby up to me before his bedtime and he would sleepily massage my arms and play with my hair?

I really do believe breastfeeding can be great for the baby. Every time someone sees my plump, healthy son they ask if I am still nursing. It also was great for me. I am 10 pounds (or so) down from my pre-pregnancy weight and have only recently been working out (albeit infrequently). I probably consumed 3,000 calories a day for most of 2009. Maybe I would have lost that weight even without breastfeeding, but who knows. Best of all, it was cheap! I bought formula a small handful of times (he probably drank it 15 times). Even when you add up the cost of bottles, my pump, all the extra food I ate to nourish a massive baby, nursing pads, nursing bras and the new bras I just got this weekend, I spent less than I would have on formula.

It's weird to have had such a great experience with nursing and yet know that I will do it differently with the next baby. Assuming baby #2 is born while I am working at the firm (hopefully when Timmy is around 3), I will have an 18-week rather than a 22 month maternity leave. While I did not mind pumping at first, I can't imagine doing that for very long. Baby #2 will probably be on formula by 6 months. I'm sure that will be fine too, but it almost seems like a waste of good boobs to not nurse the next one as long as s/he wants.

I feel the same way about my birth experience. I thought it was incredible, great, easy. One day shy of my due date, I was in labor for less than 9 hours, pushed for 9 minutes, no complications, etc... But my baby was 9 lbs, 9 oz, so while delivery was easy as pie, recovery could have been a lot better. If my next baby is even bigger, I will probably want to have a c-section, but it almost seems like a waste of such a serious medical procedure if I could have an easy natural delivery.

Of course these things are not pressing concerns now, or for the next couple years. I have a tendency to over-plan and worry too much, but I'm very much enjoying the fact that my life will be relatively uncomplicated for a while and my 26 year old body will be all mine again.

First Comes Love, Then Comes...?

One of my best friends and the maid of honor at my wedding called yesterday to tell me that she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend. She wanted advice from someone who was neither her parents nor her boyfriend about the pros and cons. I think I was picked because all turned out well after I lived with PJO prior to being engaged and married.

She struggled with feeling like she was a fairly traditional girl (who certainly has traditional parents) but at the same time feeling like co-habitating was the next natural step. They have discussed marriage quite a bit and both want that, just not right now. She also wondered if moving in with him would just cause him to delay proposing until much further down the road...you know, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

I told her that I honestly can't believe some people get married without having lived together first. It seems to me like the best way to know if you'll be compatible living with someone for the rest of your life is to just do it for a little while. The most in love and perfect couple can make horrible roommates, which would make marriage hard, especially in the beginning.

Living together exposes weird idiosyncrasies and helps a couple work out the kinks of sharing a home before the wedding, when just adjusting to newlywed status can be a little stressful in itself. PJO was fully exposed to my OCD before saying "I do" so after carrying me over the threshold (again), he knew right away to use the pink sponge for dishes and the yellow sponge for counter tops.

Obviously if the relationship is not solid enough to withstand marriage, it would be nice to know that before the wedding. Living together can help sort out those relationships from the real thing. But at the same time, a successful test run can really give you peace of mind on the big day that you're making a good decision and help you just enjoy the day instead of paying any attention to the nerves and anxiety.

As a practical matter, usually moving in together happens at the point in the relationship where you are basically living together anyway. Every night is spent together, in one place or another. So why not cut down expenses and pay for one apartment? Why not save time and avoid commuting from one to the other?

Now that I've been happily married for a few years, I look back and wonder how different our lives would be if we hadn't moved in together when we were dating. It's hard to say, because we moved to CA from NYC before getting engaged. Maybe it was the right order for PJO and I, despite being non-traditional. Maybe it was "right" because it's what almost all of our friends did and it seemed normal. Perhaps PJO and I should just consider ourselves lucky that despite living together, we wound up happily married.

Check it off the list

Last night, I was talking to PJO about something and he asked: "who would really listen to a podcast?" My response was that I totally would have when I was in law school. Whether it was a lecture I had missed or some broader lecture on a relevant, popular or interesting topic.

And then it hit me. Law school, a 3 plus year endeavor, is something I have done. Completed. Not only that, but I am already referring to my law-student-self as a character who would have acted differently than my current self. It reminded me of senior associates and partners who would regale me with stories of "back when I was in law school." But I was in law school only 8 months ago!

Weird.