favors - a one way street

Today, out of nowhere, a partner who works three doors down from me knocked on my door and gave me two tickets to Rock of Ages for tomorrow night that he can no longer use. The normal procedure in our office is for partners (usually) to send an email out to the office offering their un-usable tickets to the first person who responds, so I was feeling pretty lucky. Our babysitter is going to stay late tomorrow and PJO is going to meet me after work in Hollywood for the show! Thursday night date night, free of charge!

Then as I was heading home, stuck in horrible the usual traffic, I realized that I was not going to make it home by the time my babysitter had to leave for another commitment. Since this is the first time she ever has asked to change her schedule at all (by leaving 45 minutes early), I decided I could not be late. So I called my neighbor who lives on the first floor of my building. The neighbor who told me that if I ever needed a favor, ever needed her to pick up Timmy from daycare or bring dinner over or whatever, to call her. I haven't needed to until now, and it was a little bit awkward to call someone asking to watch my kid when I haven't even seen them in 4 months. Of course, she happily agreed to help. She fed him dinner and cleaned up after his messy eating habits. Disaster averted.

Tonight I feel so lucky to work with the people I work with and have the friends I do. But I also strongly dislike feeling like I owe people something, especially when I know I'll never actually be able to pay it back (like a partner who would never accept an offer to buy him lunch, or a friend who never needs a babysitter). The friend who watched Timmy tonight used to offer to watch him when I stayed home, telling me that "it was easier for her to watch her son if he had playdates" so I should bring him over and go run errands or do what I needed to do. She would never accept, and never expected, me to do the same favor for her or payment. She commented one time how only her Korean friends would ever take her up on her offer, while her Caucasian friends felt like they were imposing too much to accept it. I can't speak for everyone, but I certainly am hesitant to take favors when it's not an equally giving and receiving relationship. It just doesn't seem fair to benefit from someone without giving anything back in return.

But tonight, I'm just grateful. And I hope someone out there thinks I am generous with my favors because then I can tell myself I'm paying it back.

Jumping the Gun

We have a guest room now. Except we don't, it's Timmy's room, but there is a huge bed in there that could easily accommodate adult guests. It doesn't feel right and I have already admitted to myself and to PJO that I think we switched to a "big boy" man bed too early.

When I was pregnant, I thought it was such a good idea(!) that cribs nowadays were convertible. So smart, you could use the same furniture forever!! A great investment. (I didn't really consider the prospect of having to buy another freaking crib someday). So we bought a crib that I loved, but I liked it even more for its flexibility.

Right after the holidays, we converted it to a toddler bed by taking the front railing off. Timmy loved it. All of the sudden, he could climb in and out, bring every book and stuffed animal to cuddle with him, etc...

He adjusted quite easily, except that now our bedtime routine involves staying with him until he falls asleep and then tip-toeing out of the room. Eventually, we'll wean him off this routine, but I wanted the transition to be as non-threatening as possible. If he ever wakes up in the night to come to our room, we learned that we need to take him back to his bed rather than let him into our bed. Otherwise, the night-waking quickly gets out of control with him expecting to sleep with us.

So basically, we got to the point that every night one of us would lie on the floor next to his crib for 15-30 minutes while he fell asleep and then anytime he woke up in the middle of the night. After one particularly bad night when he was sick, I got the brilliant idea to just convert the crib to a full-sized bed. (one long side of the crib becomes the headboard, the other becomes the footboard). That way, we could at least be on a comfy mattress when we were in there with him. Bonus: he would never grow out of the full-sized bed if we did keep it forever. Other bonus: we can always use this bed for a guest room (assuming one day we're fortunate enough to have one). It's a win-win.

So I excitedly ordered the conversion kit online and started perusing the internet for bedding (even though I don't plan on buying any for a while because he still doesn't sleep with a blanket). The kit arrived Friday, and Sunday we bought a mattress and two pillows, plus plain sheets to hold me over until I figure out what bedding to get. We PJO assembled everything Sunday, and as the frame came together, the realization came over me...this was going to be HUGE. When I finished putting the sheets on, I was suddenly so sad for the babyhood that I had unknowingly tossed aside. This bed looked like one that belongs in the room of a 20 year old boy, home for the summer from college. Suddenly, I regretted switching so soon, berating myself for thinking I couldn't handle hanging out on the floor a little bit longer.

Of course Timmy loved it. I don't think he really understood what was going on until the sheets were on, but he immediately wanted UP!!! and bounced around, shrieking with excitement, snuggling furiously on both pillows with all of his stuffed animals close by.

It's too late to switch back, but now I have to make some adjustments to keep him safe in this bed. I never put up a guard rail on the toddler bed because it was like 14 inches off the ground and he never fell out. But this bed is more like 30 inches off the ground, so I need to get something. And he also is just a smidge too short to really get on there by himself regularly. So I want to buy a little step stool so he can do it himself. Getting down is no problem, so it's not like he's trapped there.

I feel guilty for making him work hard just to get into bed. And for not giving him a comfortable, kid room while he is still so young. But damn, my back is not regretful at all for the choice we made!

Be careful what you wish for

You know what's worse than being bored at work? Getting an "urgent" project the Friday before a long weekend at 3pm. Friday night until Monday night taken up with research on obscure issues in areas of law I have barely even heard of, much less have familiarity with.

That, and spending all day in the office on Saturday, only to come home to do some work from my couch and find that my laptop has an LCD issue, rendering it unusable. Sitting at the mini desk in my kitchen chair to use our home computer is not nearly as comfortable as the couch.

I know I should be glad that I have work (and therefore billable hours), but the fact that I "should be grateful" to be working on a three day weekend just kind of irritates me. Something tells me I'll be bored again come Tuesday when I am actually supposed to be working.

I miss law school.

Job Satisfaction / Life Satisfaction

Work is still pretty slow. Supposedly lots of transactions are "in the pipelines" but no work from those has reached me yet. When I am bored, I tend to spend my time thinking about things that don't matter and obsessing over future plans. The problem is, when I'm bored my job satisfaction is greatly reduced. Which means that lately I've been worried about how I'm going to be happy at this job. Even when I'm bored, I am still away from home for a relatively long time each day and yet there is no counter-balance; no feeling that the time I spend away from Timmy is worth it because I'm learning so much and starting a great career and doing something that is intellectually stimulating. Then I start worrying that if I'm not happy when I actually have nights and weekends free, how will I be ok when I am so busy that I don't have time for sleep, much less anything fun? And this is a good example of thinking about things that don't matter because I'm not going to voluntarily leave this job anytime soon. I doubt I could find another job right now and I need the money from this job to pay my billz. Plus, assuming work picks up, I think this place will give me the best experience I can hope for in a first job. So, for now, I'm here and there is really no reason to think twice about it.

But, I see no reason why I should avoid examining my feelings about the prospects of staying here long term. Let's just say I don't see myself here long term. Assuming I have a choice in the matter, which I believe I will, when I "grow up" I want to have a job where the work stays confined to 9am-5pm (or so). I want to have time in the morning to work out or read the newspaper or eat breakfast with my family. And I want to come home with enough time to make dinner and sit down at the table with the whole family all at once. And I want to know that I can spend the evenings playing games with my kids or watching TV or reading books or doing crafts or helping my kids with their homework or ...going to sleep early! Weekends should be reserved for soccer games or family hikes or trips to the farmer's market. Date night with my husband. Pancakes on Sunday mornings. I think this down time is completely necessary for me to feel connected to my family, happy as a well-rounded person and satisfied with all aspects of my life.

At times like now where I'm not doing anything very interesting anyway, I can definitely say that I would prefer this schedule with less-challenging or interesting work to a hectic schedule with more challenging or interesting work. That may change. But unless I feel completely satisfied with a job, I can't see myself justifying a work-life balance where I am ok with giving up family dinner time and weekend soccer games in order to work. That balance may be weighted far more heavily towards life than some people need; I can't say that female partners at my firm are unhappy, but I certainly am not envious of any of their lives. The partner that has two young kids seems relatable until I find out she has one live-in nanny and one other full-time nanny. I don't know for sure how much time she spends with her kids, but I am positive it's less than I want to spend with my own.

So does this mean I should not have gone to law school? I'm not sure. I loved law school but I can't say with certainty that I love or will always love being a lawyer. I am thankful that my JD opens up more job opportunities for me than my bachelor's degree did. I am thankful that I have the job I have now, but I am also glad that the salary that goes along with it is enough to pay off my student loans quickly so that I will have more of a choice in terms of where to work in the future.