The Firm that has been nothing short of amazing to me continues to be awesome. Yesterday I got the call I've been waiting for. They agreed to transfer me to the office in suburbia. I will start there when I return from maternity leave in January.
Now PJO and I will work and live all in the same county. No more 1 hour plus commutes each way for both of us. My family will be very close by and we shouldn't need our daily babysitter to do daycare pick-up anymore. PJO and I will be able to share drop off duties. We'll be able to afford to live in a place big enough for us. I will work in a smaller, more family friendly office where the standard day at the office ends at 5 or 6 and picks up again at home. We are going to be living in a neighborhood where the public schools are very good (and I can say that without having found a place yet because everywhere we are looking has great schools). This is going to be good, very good. Our lives just got about 20 times easier than they would have been otherwise.
Yet, now it's real. I'm going to be leaving LA. I'm leaving behind an office (and co-workers) that I love. Leaving behind the best group of neighbors I could ask for. And I'm sad about that part.
So right now I'm simultaneously relieved and sad. But just as I was beginning to panic at the thought of returning to work, this happens and makes me think I will be able to stick it out for a few more years. Hopefully.
The associate who gave me the good news said he's bringing his two year old twins to the office Halloween party for the kids today. My office told us in orientation that we really shouldn't bring children to the office during business hours. I think that juxtaposition pretty much sums up why I'm transferring.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Trial by fire
My first day completely solo with both kids wasn't quite the way I envisioned it. Since Timmy is in school M-F and PJO is home on weekends, I thought the first day I had both kids with me we would be doing something fun like a field trip or visiting Grandma.
It wasn't like that.
Here's the play-by-play:
Friday. 3AM. I just finished feeding Ellie and am burping her on the couch when Timmy comes out of his room, half asleep, half crying about his playground arch nemesis pushing him. I told him she's not here and went to his bed to rub his back for a minute before leaving to go back to my room and put Ellie down.
Friday. 3:30AM. Timmy comes into our room complaining that he's cold. Weird. I don't think he's ever complained about this before.
(sometime soon after that)...He's crying and is not comforted by the things that usually work. At some point around now, PJO and I figure out that his tummy hurts. We are both up with him, trying to find a comfortable position. You can't really sleep in a small apartment when someone is crying loudly in it. PJO eventually gets him to fall asleep on him while sitting on the couch.
Friday. 5:15AM. Timmy pukes ALL OVER himself and the couch. He seems a little better right after. This is approximately when we watched the first Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode of the day.
Friday. All morning. Timmy continues to puke, adding 4 more shirts and 6 towels to the laundry pile. Ellie is an angel, only waking up every once in a while to feed her. Timmy has no energy at all and the only thing he wants to do is watch Mickey.
Around lunch time, we went for a walk and blew bubbles at the park. He seemed better by now, so I gave him lunch and put him down for a nap when we got home. We spent the afternoon alternating between watching Mickey and coloring with chalk on our balcony. I think he probably watched about 7 hours of TV when all was said and done. He also requested to snuggle with Ellie and I finally let him after hand washing and warnings about not kissing her.
He was exhausted by the end of the day. I gave him a bath and as PJO walked in the door from work, Timmy asked to go night-night. He was asleep by 6:30PM.
I was exhausted too. But I felt that I had earned a drink (or five) that day, so I decided to go out for a friend's birthday like I had originally planned. We had given Ellie her first bottle earlier in the week so I was all set to enjoy my first baby-free outing since she was born.
I had an amazing time sipping wine and chatting with friends. It was a relatively early night (home before 11), but both kids rewarded me by sleeping in. Timmy didn't wake up until 7am, which NEVER happens. And since PJO took him to pick up bagels, I got to sleep in until 9am (!!!) after feeding Ellie that morning.
So I survived and so did both kids. Wednesday we plan on driving down with PJO to work so I can hang out with my parents and the kids for a day-o-fun. I hope that's much better than Friday was.
It wasn't like that.
Here's the play-by-play:
Friday. 3AM. I just finished feeding Ellie and am burping her on the couch when Timmy comes out of his room, half asleep, half crying about his playground arch nemesis pushing him. I told him she's not here and went to his bed to rub his back for a minute before leaving to go back to my room and put Ellie down.
Friday. 3:30AM. Timmy comes into our room complaining that he's cold. Weird. I don't think he's ever complained about this before.
(sometime soon after that)...He's crying and is not comforted by the things that usually work. At some point around now, PJO and I figure out that his tummy hurts. We are both up with him, trying to find a comfortable position. You can't really sleep in a small apartment when someone is crying loudly in it. PJO eventually gets him to fall asleep on him while sitting on the couch.
Friday. 5:15AM. Timmy pukes ALL OVER himself and the couch. He seems a little better right after. This is approximately when we watched the first Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode of the day.
Friday. All morning. Timmy continues to puke, adding 4 more shirts and 6 towels to the laundry pile. Ellie is an angel, only waking up every once in a while to feed her. Timmy has no energy at all and the only thing he wants to do is watch Mickey.
Around lunch time, we went for a walk and blew bubbles at the park. He seemed better by now, so I gave him lunch and put him down for a nap when we got home. We spent the afternoon alternating between watching Mickey and coloring with chalk on our balcony. I think he probably watched about 7 hours of TV when all was said and done. He also requested to snuggle with Ellie and I finally let him after hand washing and warnings about not kissing her.
He was exhausted by the end of the day. I gave him a bath and as PJO walked in the door from work, Timmy asked to go night-night. He was asleep by 6:30PM.
I was exhausted too. But I felt that I had earned a drink (or five) that day, so I decided to go out for a friend's birthday like I had originally planned. We had given Ellie her first bottle earlier in the week so I was all set to enjoy my first baby-free outing since she was born.
I had an amazing time sipping wine and chatting with friends. It was a relatively early night (home before 11), but both kids rewarded me by sleeping in. Timmy didn't wake up until 7am, which NEVER happens. And since PJO took him to pick up bagels, I got to sleep in until 9am (!!!) after feeding Ellie that morning.
So I survived and so did both kids. Wednesday we plan on driving down with PJO to work so I can hang out with my parents and the kids for a day-o-fun. I hope that's much better than Friday was.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Finding My Camp
I met up with a friend from work today. She has a baby girl fifteen days older than Ellie, so we essentially are on the same pregnancy/maternity leave calendar. It was so nice to see her and catch up. About ten minutes were spent discussing work related things and the rest of the time we chatted about family, free time (!) and of course, our babies. Pretty early on, she said she can't imagine going back to work in January and that she thinks she'll extend her leave (into unpaid territory). It scared me how much I wanted to say "ME TOO" because I don't think it will be an option for me. But I'll say it here. I can't imagine going back in January. Well, I can imagine it, but I know I won't feel ready. January 23rd seems much too soon.
And I know I'll feel more ready than I do right now when the time comes. And I know that perpetual maternity leave is not an option because no one is going to continue to pay me to hang out with my baby all day. But the thought of leaving my kids every day around 7am and not seeing them again until 7pm makes me want to cry. This time with Timmy and Ellie is restoring me and making me feel so happy each and every day, how can I go back to feeling completely stretched and stressed so soon? And yet my one year anniversary at the firm was (would have been?) Tuesday. I had not even worked there for a year before taking leave. I feel so disloyal for already thinking I can't handle this job when I have benefited so much from the firm after putting in so little time. But I do feel like I'm not cut out for big-firm life. Sometimes I have great days where I love my job and can't fathom wanting to do anything different. I can at least get by each day and only about 15% of the time does it feel too much on any given day. But overall, it requires that I spend WAY TOO MUCH time away from my family. Whether it's at the office or at home, time spent working is time I don't get to enjoy being mom to my two kids.
Then again, I (still) have no desire to stay home full time. The three hours I'm alone with both kids every night can be enough to make me feel crazy some days. I miss getting showered and dressed everyday, even if I am too tired/lazy to do it right now. I miss seeing my co-workers and I miss deal talk with supervisors.
So I'm not in the stay-at-home-mom camp but I am also don't want to be in the full-time working mom camp. I really, REALLY wish part-time was a feasible option at law firms.
Then there's money, which always takes the fun out of plans. We've been on track to pay off my loans in about 4 years and we're two years in. But soon we'll have (at least) two daycare payments plus some sort of babysitter (nearly a third daycare payment). We'll have to move to a bigger place once Ellie needs to be in a crib, which means rent will go up. This means that (a) my loans will probably still be around in 2 years and (b) I need to maintain my current level of income as long as possible. So my plan has been and continues to be to suck it up and stay at this job until I reach my breaking point and then go find a job with less time demands no matter what it pays. But am I making a huge mistake by committing to this kind of work-life balance for most of my kids' baby and toddler years?
I didn't want to be this person, but I think if I'm being honest, I'm at this job mostly for the money at this point. I can't say for sure whether I'll be happy working at a less challenging job even if it means spending more time with my family, but I'm pretty sure that's as close to perfect as I'm going to get.
And I know I'll feel more ready than I do right now when the time comes. And I know that perpetual maternity leave is not an option because no one is going to continue to pay me to hang out with my baby all day. But the thought of leaving my kids every day around 7am and not seeing them again until 7pm makes me want to cry. This time with Timmy and Ellie is restoring me and making me feel so happy each and every day, how can I go back to feeling completely stretched and stressed so soon? And yet my one year anniversary at the firm was (would have been?) Tuesday. I had not even worked there for a year before taking leave. I feel so disloyal for already thinking I can't handle this job when I have benefited so much from the firm after putting in so little time. But I do feel like I'm not cut out for big-firm life. Sometimes I have great days where I love my job and can't fathom wanting to do anything different. I can at least get by each day and only about 15% of the time does it feel too much on any given day. But overall, it requires that I spend WAY TOO MUCH time away from my family. Whether it's at the office or at home, time spent working is time I don't get to enjoy being mom to my two kids.
Then again, I (still) have no desire to stay home full time. The three hours I'm alone with both kids every night can be enough to make me feel crazy some days. I miss getting showered and dressed everyday, even if I am too tired/lazy to do it right now. I miss seeing my co-workers and I miss deal talk with supervisors.
So I'm not in the stay-at-home-mom camp but I am also don't want to be in the full-time working mom camp. I really, REALLY wish part-time was a feasible option at law firms.
Then there's money, which always takes the fun out of plans. We've been on track to pay off my loans in about 4 years and we're two years in. But soon we'll have (at least) two daycare payments plus some sort of babysitter (nearly a third daycare payment). We'll have to move to a bigger place once Ellie needs to be in a crib, which means rent will go up. This means that (a) my loans will probably still be around in 2 years and (b) I need to maintain my current level of income as long as possible. So my plan has been and continues to be to suck it up and stay at this job until I reach my breaking point and then go find a job with less time demands no matter what it pays. But am I making a huge mistake by committing to this kind of work-life balance for most of my kids' baby and toddler years?
I didn't want to be this person, but I think if I'm being honest, I'm at this job mostly for the money at this point. I can't say for sure whether I'll be happy working at a less challenging job even if it means spending more time with my family, but I'm pretty sure that's as close to perfect as I'm going to get.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
One Month
Ellie,
You are one month old today. I can't write this post without saying that it feels like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. You're still so new and squishy and TINY! Actually, I think you are right around 10 pounds, which by most standards is big, but in this family you are just a peanut. You're about to start wearing size 1 diapers and soon you'll be in 0-3 month clothes. Bigger clothes is one thing, but I'm not ready to call you anything other than a newborn, so please slow the passage of time!
You like to be held and you LOVE to snuggle, so the more tucked into our chest you can be, the better. I'm writing this while you are sleeping on my chest and I think both of us would be perfectly happy to spend the whole day this way. You are very nearly a perfect baby. Most of your day is spent eating or sleeping, but you are awake more and more each day. For the past week or so, you've been cooing and smiling when we talk to you or tickle you. A happy baby! If Timmy is anywhere near by (which he usually is because you are his world), you won't take your eyes off him. Even his singing (at extremely high volumes) seems to soothe you. He is constantly chanting your name...Ellie bean or Baby Ellie...and loves introducing you to everyone at school as "MY baby sister!"
We take you along with us wherever we go and almost never hear a peep out of you. If I put you in the ergo or moby wrap, you instantly fall asleep so we tend to do dishes or prepare dinner together that way. During the day, you take naps everywhere. If we're at home, they're usually on me, on the couch or in the bouncy seat. At night, you sleep in the bassinet next to our bed. Generally there is one stretch of about 5 hours of sleep surrounded by 3 hour stretches. I'm hoping soon you go even longer, but I won't complain!
From the beginning, you've been easy and wonderful. I really can't get enough of you and I know Timmy and Daddy feel the same way. We love you Ellie!
Mommy
You are one month old today. I can't write this post without saying that it feels like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. You're still so new and squishy and TINY! Actually, I think you are right around 10 pounds, which by most standards is big, but in this family you are just a peanut. You're about to start wearing size 1 diapers and soon you'll be in 0-3 month clothes. Bigger clothes is one thing, but I'm not ready to call you anything other than a newborn, so please slow the passage of time!
You like to be held and you LOVE to snuggle, so the more tucked into our chest you can be, the better. I'm writing this while you are sleeping on my chest and I think both of us would be perfectly happy to spend the whole day this way. You are very nearly a perfect baby. Most of your day is spent eating or sleeping, but you are awake more and more each day. For the past week or so, you've been cooing and smiling when we talk to you or tickle you. A happy baby! If Timmy is anywhere near by (which he usually is because you are his world), you won't take your eyes off him. Even his singing (at extremely high volumes) seems to soothe you. He is constantly chanting your name...Ellie bean or Baby Ellie...and loves introducing you to everyone at school as "MY baby sister!"
We take you along with us wherever we go and almost never hear a peep out of you. If I put you in the ergo or moby wrap, you instantly fall asleep so we tend to do dishes or prepare dinner together that way. During the day, you take naps everywhere. If we're at home, they're usually on me, on the couch or in the bouncy seat. At night, you sleep in the bassinet next to our bed. Generally there is one stretch of about 5 hours of sleep surrounded by 3 hour stretches. I'm hoping soon you go even longer, but I won't complain!
From the beginning, you've been easy and wonderful. I really can't get enough of you and I know Timmy and Daddy feel the same way. We love you Ellie!
Mommy
Friday, October 14, 2011
Popping In
We are settling into a routine and adjusting to life with two kids. And it's awesome. I am feeling really lucky and can't really imagine how maternity leave could get any better. Ellie is a really good baby. Like her brother, she is growing like a weed. At her two week appointment, she was 8 lbs, 13 oz. ... half a pound over her birth weight. I make my babies chubby!
I take her around with me wherever I go and hardly ever hear a peep. She's been sleeping pretty well at night; I usually get a stretch of about 5 hours and then another three so I can't complain. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm pretty sure she is smiling for real this week. Sometimes when she's awake and in a good mood, if I laugh or tickle her, she coos and smiles at me. Of course, I haven't been able to capture it on film, but it's a VERY sweet smile that lights up her whole face.
Timmy has been amazing. He is head over heels in love with his "Ellie bean" and constantly asks to hold her or bring her fun places. Whenever she cries, he sprints across the room to kiss her feet or put her pacifier back in. And honestly, I think he's become more helpful and more cooperative simply by virtue of being a big brother.
The one area that has been negatively impacted is sleep. He doesn't do it anymore. We do our normal bedtime routine (potty, bath, PJs, books, songs) and kiss him goodnight, but then he comes out of his room (repeatedly) for no real reason. I think he's jealous that we're still awake with Ellie, but he did this before she arrived too, so who knows. Most nights, he'll do this for an hour or an hour and a half. So he ends up falling asleep around 9 or even later. Then he's been waking up and coming into our room at 5:15, asking to play or watch TV. 8 hours of sleep is super deficient for a not-yet-three year old. So we've tried the silent return (for months actually), we've tried taking away toys and returning them for good behavior, we've tried giving him extra snuggles. This is coming in the mail today and I've heard a lot of great things about it, so we'll give that a shot. Then I guess I may have to call in some experts if that doesn't improve things.
Then there's me. I feel amazing. My OB called me out of the blue last Friday and left a rambling message about how she missed seeing me and was thinking of me and the baby. She said she tried to visit us in the hospital but we had already left, so she wanted me to drop in to show her the baby. I went in on Wednesday to chat with her and while I was there made my appointment for my 6 week check-up. I counted the dates three times to make sure it was right because I couldn't believe it had only been three weeks. I seriously felt better 1 day post-partum than I did at 6 weeks post-partum after having Timmy. If it weren't for the 10 pounds leftover bunched up around my mid-section, I would feel like I had never been pregnant.
This week was my first week on my own. Since PJO leaves for work by 6 or 6:30, I do breakfast and get both of them ready to drop Timmy off at school by 9. Then I come home and hang out with Ellie during the day. Sometimes we'll just lounge or get stuff done around the house, sometimes I will run errands or meet up with friends. Then I pick up Timmy around 3 and go to the park or the pool. Life would be much harder right now if Timmy weren't in school, so I am super grateful to have that.
The most challenging part of the day is definitely dinner time. PJO doesn't get home until 7 or sometimes even later, so I generally have both of them by myself while trying to put something together and warding off crankiness (from both kids). The Ergo and/or Moby has worked well to strap Ellie to me while I get dinner ready and I've resorted to letting Timmy watch Mickey Mouse when he's particularly destructive. It can be a little stressful but so far I've been lucky and my sweet neighbors have brought by amazing dinners so I don't have to worry about the food part.
So that's our life in a nutshell right now. Things are good.
I take her around with me wherever I go and hardly ever hear a peep. She's been sleeping pretty well at night; I usually get a stretch of about 5 hours and then another three so I can't complain. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm pretty sure she is smiling for real this week. Sometimes when she's awake and in a good mood, if I laugh or tickle her, she coos and smiles at me. Of course, I haven't been able to capture it on film, but it's a VERY sweet smile that lights up her whole face.
Timmy has been amazing. He is head over heels in love with his "Ellie bean" and constantly asks to hold her or bring her fun places. Whenever she cries, he sprints across the room to kiss her feet or put her pacifier back in. And honestly, I think he's become more helpful and more cooperative simply by virtue of being a big brother.
The one area that has been negatively impacted is sleep. He doesn't do it anymore. We do our normal bedtime routine (potty, bath, PJs, books, songs) and kiss him goodnight, but then he comes out of his room (repeatedly) for no real reason. I think he's jealous that we're still awake with Ellie, but he did this before she arrived too, so who knows. Most nights, he'll do this for an hour or an hour and a half. So he ends up falling asleep around 9 or even later. Then he's been waking up and coming into our room at 5:15, asking to play or watch TV. 8 hours of sleep is super deficient for a not-yet-three year old. So we've tried the silent return (for months actually), we've tried taking away toys and returning them for good behavior, we've tried giving him extra snuggles. This is coming in the mail today and I've heard a lot of great things about it, so we'll give that a shot. Then I guess I may have to call in some experts if that doesn't improve things.
Then there's me. I feel amazing. My OB called me out of the blue last Friday and left a rambling message about how she missed seeing me and was thinking of me and the baby. She said she tried to visit us in the hospital but we had already left, so she wanted me to drop in to show her the baby. I went in on Wednesday to chat with her and while I was there made my appointment for my 6 week check-up. I counted the dates three times to make sure it was right because I couldn't believe it had only been three weeks. I seriously felt better 1 day post-partum than I did at 6 weeks post-partum after having Timmy. If it weren't for the 10 pounds leftover bunched up around my mid-section, I would feel like I had never been pregnant.
This week was my first week on my own. Since PJO leaves for work by 6 or 6:30, I do breakfast and get both of them ready to drop Timmy off at school by 9. Then I come home and hang out with Ellie during the day. Sometimes we'll just lounge or get stuff done around the house, sometimes I will run errands or meet up with friends. Then I pick up Timmy around 3 and go to the park or the pool. Life would be much harder right now if Timmy weren't in school, so I am super grateful to have that.
The most challenging part of the day is definitely dinner time. PJO doesn't get home until 7 or sometimes even later, so I generally have both of them by myself while trying to put something together and warding off crankiness (from both kids). The Ergo and/or Moby has worked well to strap Ellie to me while I get dinner ready and I've resorted to letting Timmy watch Mickey Mouse when he's particularly destructive. It can be a little stressful but so far I've been lucky and my sweet neighbors have brought by amazing dinners so I don't have to worry about the food part.
So that's our life in a nutshell right now. Things are good.
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