First Steps

Flights were ridiculously cheap this week (are those usually part of Cyber Monday sales?) so we booked a flight to visit our friends that moved to Seattle.  These are the friends we visited back in March  and hanging out with them is always such a treat.  Not only have we known them since college, our kids are almost the exact same ages and we all get along fabulously.  This is the first flight I can think of where we have traveled for the sole purpose of visiting friends (and not gone to a wedding or reunion or something else of that nature).  It feels really grown up.

 

But I guess the sole purpose isn't just to visit friends.  As I've mentioned once or twice (or a bajillion times), we have talked pretty seriously about moving out of California in order to live somewhere with a lower cost of living.  Almost anywhere we go would be cheaper than where we are now (at least judging by my preliminary research and online house hunting).  PJO plans to begin job searching early next year and at this point, the net will be cast far and wide.  We also have started planning trips to the cities that are at the top of our list to try and get a sense of whether we can see our family being happy there.

 

I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or if it just seems like a bigger deal to me coming from southern California, but the weather is probably the biggest worry I have for any place we're considering.  The temperature here ranges from mid 50s to mid 80s and is almost always sunny.  We never deal with winter coats and my kids play outside probably 350 days a year.  No matter where we go from here, we will deal with either extreme heat, extreme cold, or lots of rain.  I swore seasonal affective disorder was a thing when I lived in New York City, but it also could have just been a New York City thing.  And I have no idea what to do with kids when the weather sucks...how will we all handle it?

 

Whenever I start doubting whether we would actually be able to enjoy living somewhere because of the weather, I catch myself and feel crazy because there are tons of people who live in each of these places that love it and if they can be happy in that city, why couldn't we?

 

I liked living in New York most of the time (but definitely tired of the big city lifestyle while working) and loved living in Madrid when I studied abroad in college, but other than those 5.5 years, I've lived in southern California my whole life.

 

I think ultimately, if we can have the change in lifestyle we're hoping for, that will outweigh any bad weather we have to put up with.  But tell me if you think I'm being naive. There are obviously other things that are important to us in a city (especially great schools, walkability, access to big city amenities (major airport, museums, shopping, restaurants) and lots of things to do and see).

 

We are heading back to New Jersey for Christmas in a few weeks, then again at the end of January for a wedding.  Our trip to Seattle is over President's day weekend in February.  I am thinking we have time for one other trip in March before I should stay put because of my May due date.  Where should we go?

Pregnant

Big news.  Baby #3 is on his or her way.  I'm due in May and we are excited (and simultaneously asking ourselves what have we done?).  We have told family but not yet the world. 

 

Can I just acknowledge that this pregnancy is kicking my ass?  My first was a walk in the park.  My second was incredibly easy but I felt it a bit more.  This time, I thought I might die.  Exhausted doesn't begin to cover it.  I felt like I had the flu for weeks on end.  I am starting to feel less nauseous and able to keep my eyes open after 8pm, so hopefully it will get easier.

 

Since we moved, I have a new OB and the new OB has super fancy, high tech ultrasound equipment.  I was asked last week whether I wanted to know the gender.  I paused for a moment at the irony because I would have killed for that opportunity so early on with each of my first two pregnancies.  This time, I said "No thank you.  We don't want to know" and the tech moved on to looking at the feet and arms.  I feel so fortunate to be carrying a healthy baby and I honestly will be equally happy with a boy or girl.  Besides the fact that knowing the gender won't make the slightest difference in how we prepare for this baby (because we won't really be preparing other than buying small diapers), I am excited to have PJO be the one to tell me boy or girl and to have that surprise to look forward to at delivery.

 

I'm pretty sure this will be our last so I'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy and the anticipation.  Relatively unsuccessfully so far.

God is Mormon

Back in June, a group of friends and I spent a few days exchanging emails and texts trying to coordinate dates, times and logistics so we could all go together to see the Book of Mormon when it came to Hollywood in the fall.   I have been looking forward to seeing this show since then.  Avenue Q was one of my favorite Broadway shows and I had heard equally great reviews about the Book of Mormon. We had tickets for the 6:30 show last night and planned to meet up with friends at a restaurant near the theater at 4:30.  My mom arrived to watch the kids at 3 and PJO and I set out shortly after 3:30.

 

We started talking about how we regretted buying my car (an American car) because we've had so many problems with it (mostly minor, all covered by warranty, but still annoying) and how we should have bought a foreign car because his Volkswagen hasn't had any problems in 4 years.  (NOTE TO SELF: don't ever tempt fate like that again).  Approximately 3 minutes later (when we were a grand total of 15 miles from home and still 30 miles from our destination), the check engine light flashed on and he felt like the engine was jerking.  We started pulling off the freeway and by the time we were on the off-ramp, the car was noticeably shaking and I could smell something burning.  By the time we were able to park in a shopping center parking lot, I saw thick, gray smoke coming out of the exhaust.

 

Fuck.  All I could think about was how I would be so bummed to miss this show (and forfeit our pricey tickets).  After unsuccessfully attempting to troubleshoot based on the owner's manual, we called Geico (which has roadside assistance).  We figured out where the nearest dealership was and arranged for the tow truck to take it there.  We found the only rental car company open on a Sunday evening and we were lucky enough to have a good friend come pick us up and take us there.  The first thing PJO said when our friend answered the phone was "I'm pretty sure God is Mormon.  Listen to this..." 

 

We missed dinner but managed to make it to the show only 10 minutes late and the theater still sat us right away (I guess they're used to rude Los Angelenos being late to everything).  The show was hilarious and the actors fabulous.  I think the songs were slightly less memorable than those from Avenue Q, but catchy nonetheless.

 

PJO talked to the dealership this morning and they said that now, his car wouldn't even start.  We still don't know what the problem is.  I'm guessing it's a classic case of shitisgoingtocostawholelotofmoneyandtakeaweektofix.  He also needs new tires.  I think I only want to lease cars in the future.

 

I'm really glad this happened when our kids weren't in the car and that it didn't blow up or stall out in the middle of the 12 lane freeway.  I'm also glad it didn't happen when I drive it to Arizona in two weeks for a friend's baby shower.  But I'm still a little peeved that it happened.  Not the best start to PJO's birthday week.

Bickering

To the extent we ever "make it work" with our two full-time careers and two kids, it's because PJO and I have different types of jobs which carry different kinds of demands on our time. PJO's job tends to be pretty regular, even if ridiculously strict on face-time. His group has received several emails from the boss saying you must be at work by 8am. If you show up at 8:01, please turn around and take a personal day. (I realize that there are probably lots of jobs out there where you have to punch a clock, but it still seems absurd to me). It's a rare day where he cannot leave work at 5:30pm. He doesn't really have flexibility to leave during the day or just work from home, but he also avoids work on the nights and weekends for the most part.

My job is obviously more "flexible" if I need it to be. No one knows or cares when I get in to the office, whether I leave in the middle of the day for a doctor's appointment, whether I'm working from home or whether I leave early. Unless I have a deal closing or some other assignment that really requires me to be in my office, the only thing that matters is that I put the hours in, and if that is at night, that's usually ok. So our "normal" routine (which seems to happen almost never), is that we wake up when Timmy storms into our room at 5:45 or 6. PJO is always ready first so he goes downstairs with Timmy to get breakfast. I head downstairs by 6:45 or so and get Ellie some breakfast. PJO leaves the house around 7:30 and I try my best to gather everything we need to get to daycare and wrangle the kids into the car by 7:45. They can be difficult in the morning. If I leave the house at 7:45, I'll drop them off at daycare and get to the office by 8:45. PJO usually leaves to pick up the kids and I usually try to meet them when they get home around 6 so that we can eat dinner together and do bath and bedtime. Both kids have been fed, bathed, and put to bed by 7:15 or 7:30. Then the goal is that we clean up from dinner, clean out lunch boxes and pack up lunches for the next day.

Lately, PJO's job has required MUCH MORE of his time than 8-5:30. He has been getting in early, staying late, working from home and working weekends. In the beginning of October, this was ostensibly for a huge project that would basically determine his year-end bonus and was supposed to be finished by October 19th. Then it got pushed and now won't be done until November 9th. Meanwhile, I've been really busy at work and, because I've had to increase my share of pick-ups and drop-offs, have had to stay up really late at home to finish my work. I am really sleep deprived and cranky. Last weekend, PJO had to go to NYC for a bachelor party. He was only gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon, but I couldn't get any work done during this time. I had expected to be able to head in to the office early Monday and really hunker down and get stuff done. Until PJO got a text from his boss Sunday night telling him to be in by 7am Monday. "Can't you just say no?" I demanded. "I need to go do work. Why does your job automatically trump mine?" I stormed upstairs to quiet down the baby who PJO didn't seem to hear.

I just want to cry and scream "it's not fair!" PJO gets annoyed when he is the only one making lunches for the next day, and I'm annoyed if he watches TV and waits for me to be done with work until he starts. I feel like he should be doing more of the drop-offs and pick-ups because school is much more out of the way for me than him. When I complain about not being able to get something done, he tells me to wake up earlier. Getting 5 hours or less of sleep on a regular basis is not an option that I want to seriously consider.

I hate that we are bickering with each other when we should be acting like a team. It also doesn't help that our kids are often the first ones dropped off and the last ones picked up at their school. Even though Timmy really likes his school and seems genuinely happy there, he asks me all the time if he can please stay home today. We clearly need to make some sort of change. This is not the busiest I have ever been at work by a long shot and we can definitely get by day to day. But there is a constant level of stress that seems much higher than ever before. It's more like a dull, painful headache that just makes everything more difficult but doesn't stop you in your tracks. Maybe I just notice it more now that I'm fed up with this lifestyle and am determined to change it. Either way, I am slightly terrified at how busy our department is predicting work will be for year-end. Some quality time with my family over the holidays is just what I need. I really hope I get that.

The Second Child

Yesterday was October 19th, which means it's been one month since Ellie turned one. In a classic case of "poor second child" syndrome, I haven't written a post (aka updated her baby book) in many, many months. I did manage to throw her a birthday party and schedule one year pictures to be taken though, so at least something will mark her transition from babyhood to toddlerhood. She really is the happiest, funniest, easiest baby I've ever encountered so I want to make sure to create a good record of how she is now lest she become a difficult toddler or preschooler. Ellie has been a dream pretty much since she came home. She slept for long stretches right away and since 5 months, I can count on one hand the number of times she's woken up in the middle of the night. She sleeps much longer than Timmy does every night, usually 12 or 13 hours. She eats pretty much whatever we give her, she is content to be held, on the floor, in a stroller or in the car. She doesn't have a strict schedule (or any schedule really). She is used to just going with the flow and it takes a lot to make her cranky. She flirts with everyone, EVERYONE, everywhere we go. A coy smile, a cheesy grin, a belly laugh. She stops at nothing to get strangers to pay attention. People constantly come up to us and tell me that she is a beautiful baby and the happiest they've ever seen. She is a social butterfly and especially loves her brother. The pecking order in our house is usually #1 Timmy, #2 Me and #3 Daddy. Occasionally she switches it up. But I think in her eyes, Timmy can do no wrong. She laughs at everything he does, tolerates (and even seems to like) his overly-enthusiastic love squeezes. She goes wherever he may be in the house and wants to play with him. She usually wants his toys, so he started putting them out of reach on counters and tabletops. She quickly learned that she could get them by standing on her tippy toes or climbing on things. She makes us laugh all the time. Peek-a-boo and funny faces/noises are her go-tos to make us laugh. She also will put random things on her head or turn a pencil into a mustache and then show off until we crack up laughing. She is different from Timmy in so many ways. All he ever wanted to do was read books and she wants very little to do with them at all. And it wasn't until he was well over three that I could convince him to try putting on his own clothes/shoes. For the past four or five months, Ellie has sat on the floor trying with all the baby concentration and coordination she can muster to put on shoes and hats and hair clips. It's adorable...someday I'll post a video of it. She is even more stubborn than Timmy, which I didn't know was possible. Feisty too. I can think of at least three times already where Timmy (who by the way, is almost FOUR) has complained about Ellie hurting him (usually biting or tearing something away from him and scratching in the process). Meanwhile, the pediatrician asked us at her check up actually asked us if she seems to feel pain. Because by all appearances, she doesn't 95% of the time. We took away the bottle after we had weaned her off of formula and even though she drinks water from anything, she refuses to drink milk now that it's in a sippy cup. I dread taking away her pacifier at bedtime. She is a snuggle-fiend. Whenever we pick her up, she immediately puts her head in the crook of your neck and starts patting your back. It melts me every time. She is more cautious than I originally gave her credit for. After months of cruising, she started taking lots of steps right around a year. She would look like a little baby Frankenstein, walking across the room but she did it without falling. A month later, she still prefers to crawl although she is walking more and more. She always picks the "boy" toys to play with while Timmy is always stealing her "girl" toys. I love that. Down with gender stereotypes! She dances and "sings." She is really aggressive in trying to pet the cats. She signs the hell out of the "more" but I don't think she's learned any others yet. She says Mama and Dadda and a few other fake words but not much else. She has two little bottom teeth (that came in at 11 months) and two top teeth with a little gap in between that cut through on her birthday. She still has blondish hair and blueish eyes. I think she still looks like a female version of Timmy. She is tall and fairly chunky. Both PJO and I were nervous about having a daughter. He was terrified of having a teenage daughter and I was terrified of having a spoiled, drama-loving, princess-obsessed little girl. She has converted us and I love having a little girl. She makes me feel like the best mom in the world even on my worst days and I can't imagine a more perfect daughter for me. Happy Birthday to our sweet girl!

Professional Identity Crisis

I've been absent for a long time. I've felt too busy to write, but I know that's not the real cause of my silence. I guess I've also just been uninspired. There are days where I really enjoy what I do, but on the whole, I'm not happy with my job. My kids are both great these days, near perfect even, but no one really wants to hear me talk about how great my kids are. The truth is, most days are the same...wake up early, rush out the door, drop off kids, go to work and try to bill as much as I can before leaving to either pick up the kids or meet PJO at home to help rush through dinner and bathtime/bedtime. Once kids are asleep, try to motivate to clean up, unpack and re-pack lunches and then do more work, but usually fail at one or all three of those things. Weekends have mostly been reserved for catching up on all of the stuff I should have been accomplishing during the week but didn't get around to doing, plus one or two fun things. I have been reading blogs through google reader, but for some reason, logging in to comment always seems like a herculean task. Every once in a while, the stars will align and I will find both a really compelling post AND the motivation to comment, but mostly I'm just really lazy. Today is my two year anniversary of starting at the Firm. Looking back at where I was two years ago and where I am now makes me really miss the regular interaction I used to have with people who understood me here in this online community. When everyone in law school thought I was insane for having a baby during my third year, I turned to this blog and had support from people all over who had done or were doing the same thing. When I started in the real world as a junior lawyer / mom, I had the benefit of the experience of everyone that had gone before me and blogged about it to help guide me. Now, as a mom of two young kids working at a job that completely overwhelms me most days, it helps to see that I'm not the only one. Reading about other moms struggling to find balance at least makes me feel like maybe the problem is the situation and not my lack of parenting or lawyering skills. But at the same time, saying "me too" to everything I read without a plan to make any changes also sends me into this downward spiral of seeing only the the negative aspects of this job and not being willing to try to make it work. I'm nervous to talk too honestly about the job or my plans to change or leave it because I have no idea when any of that could happen and the only thing worse than the status quo would be getting fired and having no plan of action. But this is the time when I would really love to hear what other people think. When I need to hear people say that I'm justified in thinking the demands are unreasonable or even that the grass is always greener and nothing else will actually be better. Maybe I just need ideas for where to go next or what to do. And when I think about the conversations I want to have, I am sad that I have let this blog become an empty shell with links to stories of my life back when I thought I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. So, maybe I can get myself back into the habit of writing more often and posting the comments I have in my head when I read other blogs. Even if no one ever reads this blog again, at least I may get some clarity on the thousands of contradictory thoughts crashing into one another in my head. I'll start with the obvious subject ... my job. I loved law school. Loved every second of it. But so far, I haven't really loved being a lawyer. Most days, I feel like a glorified secretary. Even when I'm drafting contracts or agreements, it's usually just changing certain facts and names in a form. Being at a big firm, there just aren't that many opportunities to take charge of the matters I am working on and be involved in the big picture decision making. I would describe my role as implementing the strategy that the partners decide on for the deal. I have really enjoyed some of the pro bono matters I've been involved with, such as helping a non-profit form a corporation and apply for tax-exempt status. Working on that, I get to research the statutes, figure out what will be the best strategy for these people and then draft the documents to make it happen. But drafting my 1,000th secretary certificate or collecting signature pages, even on a major $2 billion deal, just isn't thrilling. In the latter half of this year, I've been promoted to working on the ancillary documents for these deals. And what I've found is that "negotiating" an environmental indemnity or security agreement often is just conforming those documents to what the partner decided to do in the credit agreement. At some point, if I stick around long enough, I would be the one deciding with the client (or the tax experts most likely) how to structure the deal. But I'm not sure that seems exciting enough to devote an entire career to it. If I ever made equity partner here, it would mean a starting salary of just under $2 million a year. But that would be after 10-12 years of making work my #1 priority and it would require a perfect storm of having a decent book of business, a practice area that the firm sees a future in but where no one else ahead or below me will make partner and the other intangible qualities that make you "partner material." There are no female transactional partners in my office. I am a second year with two kids. I think the odds of me making partner (even if I wanted to) are about 1 in 1000. And the important point is that I don't want to. I have no idea what I will want in 5, 10 or 15 years. But right now, I want balance. I want to be able to work out without having to wake up before 5:00 am to do it. I want to be able to cook something that takes more than 20 minutes and still have time to sit down as a family and eat it before having to start bath time. I want to sit with my husband at night and just talk or watch tv without staring guiltily at my work computer that I haven't turned on. I want to sleep 7 hours a night. I want to never hear my son say something like "I was crying at school today because I was waiting for you to pick me up" again. And I want to be able to stay home with my daughter when she feels miserable instead of sticking her in daycare for 9 hours. It may be that I have just talked myself out of the possibility of liking this job. It may be that there is no other job out there that will afford me the kind of balance I want. Honestly, at this point in my life, even a 9-5 job wouldn't really do that (even though it would be a million times better than what I have). But I am ok with leaving and foreclosing any potential return to Big Law. I can't say that for sure about being a lawyer. I think what I really need is a break. I've thought about just quitting altogether and being a stay-at-home mom for a while. I've been a stay-at-home mom before and I didn't love it. Most days were fairly mundane and the schedule totally dictated by nap schedule. Figuring out how to keep myself and a 1 year old entertained was surprisingly difficult, especially when we couldn't afford to go to music classes or the zoo or lunch dates. Beyond the parenting, I was in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, making trips to the post office and dry cleaner, etc... To be honest, I really enjoy being able to farm a lot of that stuff out. And I recall wanting, and needing, my husband to take over bath time during the week and parenting duties for a few hours on weekends so I could just have a break. Even then, it felt like there was always more I could be doing too, like organizing pictures and videos or deep cleaning the bathroom or taking him to a new park that was further away. I'll save the more detailed post about my fears of becoming a stay-at-home mom for another day. Suffice it to say that my (very strong) preference is to work part-time. I am officially on the look-out for the next thing.

School days

We just finished week two of our new routine. My mom is no longer my full-time nanny and both kids go to the same (new) school. It has been an easier adjustment than expected, but that's due in part to the fact that my mom has still been helping us occasionally with drop-off and pick-up. Backing up...We started Timmy at a new school in January when we moved to suburbia. We LOVED his old school in LA and were very sad to say goodbye to it, so we tried to find something similar to ease his transition. We picked another Montessori school that was pretty new and clean and had a great outdoor play area. It was also super convenient; literally on my way to work/home. It became clear almost immediately that the school was the wrong fit for him and us. While the facility was clean and we felt that he was safe there, the teachers and staff were cold and unfriendly and there was zero sense of community. They offered instrument lessons and Mandarin lessons and sports lessons and pottery lessons, but did not include simple things like "music class." Parents were told not to speak to other children in the classroom and parents did not say hi to each other in the halls. The staff was so unprofessional; I often heard them talking about other families or private issues when I would go to sign Timmy in or out. They obviously didn't treat teachers well...Between lead teachers and assistant teachers, I think Timmy had 10 in his 8 months there. In a word, terrible. We knew we wanted to switch him, but couldn't figure out where to. The other schools that we visited were so far out of the way and so expensive. We toured the school we eventually chose back in March. I liked it and they had an infant room, so we kept it at the top of our list. But then my mom said she'd stay with us through the summer and we held off on a move right then. In May, after we got notice that his lead teacher had left due to a "family emergency" (same excuse for three teachers in a row and always after the teacher had already left), we had had enough. We called the new school and filled out paperwork to put us on the list to register for fall. We registered in mid-July and then waited carefully until the last day of July to give our 30 days' notice to the old school and eventually told Timmy. This new school is SO MUCH further out of the way. It used to take me 25 minutes door to door including drop off. Now it's more like an hour. But we couldn't be happier about our decision. It's like we have a whole new kid (or really, our long lost sweet, amazing boy was returned to us after a really long absence). He is happy and obedient and asks to go to school on weekends again and is emotionally stable and just ...awesome. We had forgotten what it was like to be with him and not struggle over the stupidest things all the time. We attributed his acting out to the terrible threes and a ton of change all at once (baby, move, potty training, new school, etc..) and that all might be true. But the fact that it all disappeared within a day or two of starting his new school tells me that he must have just been totally unhappy at the old school. And that breaks my heart because we should have followed our instincts and taken him out sooner. Ellie has had a bit rougher transition going from being home with Grandma to dropped off with a bunch of kids and teachers she is not used to yet. She cries at drop-off (still, after two weeks), but apparently does great during the day. I know she loves seeing Timmy during the day though, and he loves going up to her when she's out in the buggy rides and giving her big hugs and kisses. The icing on the cake is that we pay less for daycare for both of them than we paid for daycare for Timmy and nanny-care for my mom. We have to do more work to get them both ready and out the door with lunches packed. There is no one to put the roast chicken in the oven mid-afternoon or wash bottles or catch up on laundry during the day anymore, but we are managing so far. Our day starts around 5:45, when PJO and I get up, shower and get ready. We've had a few mornings where we manage to be dressed by the time Timmy runs into our room but often he comes in while we're getting ready. Then we get Ellie and start breakfast and packing up everything. We're out the door by about 7:20. PJO and I switch off drop off and pick up, so generally we each go to the school once a day. We pick up the kids by 5:30 or so and come home, have dinner, straight to bath and bedtime, and then once the kids are down, PJO and I finish cleaning up, packing lunches and getting anything else ready that needs to be done for the next day. I would say we are usually done by 8:30 or 9. I haven't had to work too many nights so far in September, so we'll see how manageable this all is once that factors into the equation. It's a lot of work and the kids are in school for much longer than is ideal each day. But things are better than they were a month ago, so I'll take it. Here are the kids on their first day of school, September 4th!

Recharging the batteries

PJO and I returned Friday night from a three night getaway to Cabo to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. The kids stayed home with my mom and PJO and I enjoyed the best vacation we've ever been on.
Even the two hour flight getting down there was a luxury because we got to sit in the emergency row and read books with worrying about entertaining little ones.
Each day involved pretty much the same things: sitting by the pool, going to the beach, working out, eating fish tacos and guacamole, drinking jalapeño margaritas and sex. I am not one for naps but I fell asleep in the sun mid-day both of our full days there.
We didn't leave the resort once, although we did try out every bar and restaurant on site (and EVERYTHING was absolutely delicious). I got to do a semi-private yoga session on the beach at sunrise. I started out the other two mornings with decaf espresso on our patio overlooking the crashing surf. For once in my life, I wasn't planning ahead or worried about logistics...my mind was empty. I haven't felt so stress free at any point in recent memory. The resort was flawless and the service was impeccable. PJO and I kept marveling at how fun it is to just hang out and have fun without worrying about getting back home to take care of kids or clean or work. Good for the soul, that trip was.
We were gone Tuesday through Friday, so we had a weekend with the kids on either side. I won't go so far as to say that I am ready or excited to go back to work tomorrow, but I do feel refreshed and reenergized.
Luckily, I only have to make it through 3 work days because all four of us leave Thursday to head to Iowa for my cousin's wedding. Not quite the same type of vacation but it will be fun nonetheless.

Finding Home

Does anyone else out there find themselves asking where to put down roots? I want to live in one house from the time Timmy starts kindergarten until our last child graduates high school if possible. I want to feel settled in a house so we can get furniture without worrying about whether it will work in our next house. I want to feel settled in a neighborhood so that we're invested enough to make friends out of neighbors and find our favorite local restaurants and coffee shops. After 4 moves in the past 7 years, I just want to be settled. Only problem is, we have almost no idea where. I am living in the place I grew up in and I am not convinced I want to stay here forever or raise my kids here. It's also extremely limiting to PJO's career to stay... There is pretty much no other employer besides his current one that he could really move to in our area and he doesn't think the place he is at is where he'll spend his career. I love a lot of things about this part of the country but there are downsides too. We could go almost anywhere, but have no real ties to any particular place. Trying to narrow it down to a short list seems impossible. We aren't ready to look for jobs elsewhere but I think we probably would start in a year or so. Did anyone else put there mo e somewhere without family and for no specific job?

The Flip Side

My work-life balance did a complete 180 in July. As in I billed 85 hours for the entire month. It was wonderful. I didn't even bring my computer home most nights. I didn't check my blackberry on weekends. I worked out in the morning and ate breakfast at home with my kids. I left by 4 or 4:30 every day and had time to run errands or play with my kids at night. I took lunches during the day instead of eating at my desk. I went to mid-day appointments without worry. I slept. Life was good and I didn't even miss having work to do very much. Like clockwork, August 1st I was back to billing normal hours. I have work to do at night and on weekends. The timing, of course, is terrible because PJO is in Tennessee for 4 days for a wedding, so I'm also on my own with both kids and trying to squeeze in work wherever I can. And this, I think, is a text book example of "peaks and valleys" when people talk about work-flow at a law firm. It isn't always terrible, but it sure as hell is unpredictable. And never being able to plan anything in advance wears on you after a while. There are so many benefits to working at a firm. One that people always talk about is flexibility, especially to be able to work from home or to leave for appointments or school events during the day and make up that time at night. I'm pretty sure that "flexibility" wouldn't be necessary if you could reliably plan a day (sick, vacation, whatever) where you could be out of the office and no one would bother you with work stuff. And no matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to feel grateful for the fact that I often work from home at night after my kids go to bed. Sure, I'd rather work in my PJs at home than at the office, but more than that, I'd rather not work at night. Period. I really do like many aspects of working at a big firm, namely the quality of the clients/work, the ability to work with and for many different people and not have one "Boss" and, of course, the salary. But none of that is worth the years this job is taking off of my life and the precious time I should be spending with my kids while they're little. I have no idea what's next for me or when, although I'm pretty sure I'll stay put for at least a year. I think I need a guidance counselor and maybe a life coach.

By the Numbers

Continuing my pattern of only ever posting to complain about work. I just finished a week where I billed 92 hours. I billed 933 hours since March 1st.
Let me tell you, I'm not enjoying this. Sleeping 3 hours a night, never seeing your husband and kids, skipping meals because you're too busy to eat, feeling your body ache from sitting so much... None of this is normal, and yet it has become my norm.
I haven't had time to read the Why Women Can't Have it All article yet, but based on what I have heard, I am living it. The past four months have been "great" from a work perspective, but soul crushing from a personal life perspective.
We can't afford for me to just stop working and I would need to make a pretty high salary to afford to pay for child care and our other monthly expenses so there aren't a whole lot of options at the moment. But I feel desperate to change something. Desperate enough to think being a stay-at-home mom for a while sounds good.
I am hoping work calms down enough to make this job possible until I can make a move to a better lifestyle job. I love the people I work with and am learning a lot, but this lifestyle will kill me before it helps me.
My assigned mentor when I started at the firm (who just became a partner last year) told me that those few months leading up to maternity leave were her slowest ever (at 100% of pace) because for her first 8 years at the firm, she never billed less than 150% of pace, which is essentially what I've been doing. Why do people do this to themselves?

Small town Big city

When airfare was mysteriously cheap in December, we bought tickets to visit my in-laws in NJ for June. We patted ourselves on the back for planning so far in advance and getting three tickets for just $1,000. We were supposed to leave June 12th, but when PJO's uncle passed away one week ago, we decided to move the trip up by one week. Luckily, I had bought travel insurance. United also said they would waive the fee to change our flights since it was due to a death in the family. But tickets were now over $1,000 EACH. Even after crediting the price we had paid for our original tickets, waiving the change fee and (hopefully) getting money from insurance, we had to shell out another $1,000. For a red eye flight. For seats that weren't together and happened to be in a row that didn't recline. Someone needs to invent a machine to teleport us ASAP. Anyway, I probably would have had to work during our trip as originally scheduled, but this week was even busier, so I worked out of the NY office of my firm. I commuted in on the train, went to my favorite places for coffee and lunch. It has been 6 years since I moved out of NYC, but I lived there recently enough to be able to navigate the subway and the streets easily and fall back into step with the native New Yorkers. I have been gone long enough to be able to appreciate how truly unique that city is. And I surprised myself by wishing (in some ways) that I could live here again. I could not wait to leave when I was living here. I hated the crowds, the noise, the dirt, the subway, the expense, the hassle of doing simple things like grocery shopping, and the lack of sunlight/outdoor space. The things I noticed on this trip were the plethora of young, educated, working professionals, amazing restaurants and bars, the energy you feel walking around the streets, the character, the proximity to anything and everything and the great sense of style of the people that live here. I know that it would be miserable to be a lawyer in the city and it would be downright impossible to raise a family the way I want to there. Our expenses would be outrageous. So I don't ACTUALLY want to live here again, but if I had the chance, I would totally go back in time and give myself a few years of working before having kids to live in the big city. This, and realizing how much money we could be saving right now while working the jobs we have without the expense of daycare, are the only times I have come close to wishing I would have waited to start a family. And on the whole, I would make the same decisions I have made over and over again without regret. But there are certain things that you give up. Maybe suburbia isn't for me. Los Angeles didn't always feel like a big city, I could see us going back there someday. I just hope at least one of my kids goes to school in New York City, preferably to Columbia. PJO and I will take week-long trips to visit them, take them to the best restaurants, shows, museums, etc...

Too too much

I have a new appreciation for BigLaw moms that stay at this job for years. I have begun to realize how much harder it is when you are actually as busy as you're supposed to be (unlike last year where I was only at about 85-90% of pace). I billed about 75 hours between Monday and Friday, which basically plays out as waking up at 5:30, being at my desk by 7, working through lunch, if I am lucky, coming home for dinner and bath, but otherwise working through dinner, then working until about 2am before letting myself admit I'm too tired to do a good job anymore. I have a deal closing Thursday, a deal closing Friday, at least two deals closing in June and a pro bono matter I have been neglecting. Summer associates arrived last week, and we're expected to attend summer events. This is particularly bad timing since PJO is taking the CFA level III exam in one week and has been studying every spare second at night and on weekends. We have mail and bills piling up, chores at home not getting done and car maintenance to have done and neither of us has time for any of it. While I can't really say I love my job, I feel like I am learning a lot and I don't DISLIKE my job, but this is just not sustainable. I miss sleep, I want more time with my family, and I want to not constantly feel like I am behind on everything.
The thing is, I don't really know what I want to do after law firm life and I need more experience if I want to have options. Some days PJO and I talk about moving to a lower cost of living state... We could easily live off of just his salary and our 5-10% down-payment fund would suddenly become a 40-50% down-payment on a house. But we would be on our own with no family or friends and I am sure I'd want to work once I got over that feeling of being burned out.
I don't think going "part time" at my firm would really help given the kind of work I do and the nature of this client-service business, but I may have to look into it at some point if this pace keeps up.

So there you have it, this job is demanding and hard. It becomes harder with kids and a working spouse. For me, it's not the kind of hard where you are consciously miserable; rather the constant demand for sacrifice forces me to regularly assess my priorities and figure out where that line is so I know when it's time to stop trying to earn gold stars, to step back and find a way to reserve more time for my family and myself. Easier said than done for someone who is used to always trying to prove I am just as capable and good as anyone else.

Overwhelmed

Life is sort of wearing me down and leaving me behind in the dust as it speeds forward. Work continues to be busy, except rather than one HUGE matter (seriously, the last deal had a deal team of over 60 lawyers), I'm staffed on 5 active deals, a pro bono matter and a small ancillary matter. Timmy is going through a phase (perhaps delayed rebellion over the new baby, perhaps just run-of-the-mill terrible threes?) where just being with him for 30 minutes is completely exhausting. The slightest provocation (or none at all) will make him burst into tears and/or saying lots of "NO!" and/or throwing toys or half-heartedly attempting to hit us. Every day, we do this dance where he talks about how he wants to be a baby, and I say, fine, then you have to wear diapers and eat baby food. Do you like baby food? Then he responds with "no, I don't like that, it's yucky. I want to be a big kid and play on the big playground." Some days when we pick him up at daycare, he runs away and says he wants to stay at school. Then when it's time to head to school the next morning, he cries and says he wants to stay home. Some days, he pleads with me to stay home, not go into work, and play with Baby Ellie. He often tries to dictate which parent gets to do what (i.e. bath, pouring milk, rubbing his back at night) and freaks out if we don't oblige. One day I walked into his classroom at pick-up, he looked me in the eye, pushed over the baby sitting next to him, and informed me that he pushed baby Grace onto the carpet and made her cry. WTF?!?! Sunday night he was crying / whimpering in his sleep and calling out "Mama" (he only wants Daddy these days) so I went in and rubbed his back and smoothed back his hair. Two minutes later he was snoring. [...my heart is breaking into a million pieces...] Timmy brought home preschool germs for the first time in a while and it's hit all of us. You know what's even more difficult than finding motivation to work after the kids are in bed? Being sick and tired and trying to find that motivation. Monday night I gave in to the chills and body aches and put myself to bed early. Last night, Ellie cried from 7:30-9:45 when normally, I put her in her crib after the bath and leave the room. Lately, she wants me all the time and will reach for me if I'm anywhere near and fuss if I leave her sight. I wish I didn't have to leave all the time. PJO is busy at work and busy studying for the CFA exam. The list of thank you notes to send, emails to respond to, mail to sort, bills to pay, errands to run and to-dos around the house is growing out of control. Nothing is particularly horrible right now, I just feel like I have no control over my life and I hate that. I wish I had more time with my husband and kids and I wish I had more time to devote to work so that I could learn as much as it seems like my co-workers are learning. I wish I had, but can't even fathom having, time to work out or cook (or grocery shop) or watch TV. I wish I could find a school that is better suited to Timmy so I don't feel like a terrible mother for dropping him off somewhere for 9-10 hours per day and I wish I knew whatever it is that is making him so sad or on edge so I could fix it (although I have a feeling I know and there's nothing I can really do).

Gleelightful

Last weekend I went away for a girls' weekend in honor of my friend's 30th. It involved two kidless nights, dinners out, wine tasting and the spa. Wonderful.
It also involved hanging out with Matthew Morrison and his girlfriend ...they were staying at the same hotel that we were at. I can confirm that he is much taller and younger looking than you would imagine. I enjoyed asking him obnoxious questions, like "how annoying is Lea Michelle" and "why do they keep giving Quinn solos?" He told us that we could call him Matty Fresh...which I just don't think I can do, he is Mr. Schu.
Please pardon my drunken state in this picture.

6 months and change

March was the busiest month in my (short) career as a lawyer and one of the many things I didn't quite get around to was writing a post for Ellie turning 6 months old. She's halfway to 7 months by now but better late than never.

Ellie,

At 6 months, the best word to describe you is fun. You are so easy going and happy. It might just be a factor of being the second child and being forced to tag along on everything the rest of us are doing from day 1, but you just fit in completely seamlessly in our day-to-day life. You have your weekday routine that involves stroller walks, naps and playtime with Grandma, but on the weekends we are out and about all day long. You sleep in the car but wake up to smile at us, talk to us and observe everything when we're out running errands or hanging out together.

You started eating solid foods around 5 1/2 months and you can't get enough. My independent girl, you want to feed yourself and often snatch the spoon in your death grip and try to take the bowl too. You started with rice cereal and then moved on to bananas, sweet potatoes, oatmeal, apples, peas and green beans. You are also almost completely on formula now and love to hold the bottle yourself. You had (and seem to still be going through) a big growth spurt. At your 6 month check up, you had jumped to the 95th percentile for height and 75th percentile for weight.

The week you turned 6 months, it was like a switch went off and you decided you would start napping in your crib. I know Grandma appreciates the little break this gives her during the week and I feel better knowing that you're getting enough sleep now. You've been a good sleeper at night for a while and I am so, so grateful for that. Every night, you and Timmy take a bath together and then you both go to sleep around 7:30 or 8. We're all up the next day by 6:30 or so.

The biggest difference we notice so far between you and Timmy is how determined you are to be on the move, into everything and part of the action. To this day, Timmy is usually content to be off in a corner somewhere reading a book or doing a puzzle. You, on the other hand, can't stand being left out. You roll across the room, pissed off that you can't make your body crawl to whatever it is that you want to get your hands on. You are constantly trying to get your hands on Timmy's toys and your general strategy is to slam your hands down hard across their surface to press any buttons that might be there, especially buttons that play music or make noise.

You started sitting up somewhere around 5 1/2 months and you're very good at it now, hardly ever falling over. Except when you do it on purpose because you want something out of reach and the only way you know of to get there is to roll over to it. Smarty pants.

Most importantly, you smile and laugh and snuggle and kiss and love. You are the best little companion a mother, father and brother could ask for. You are happy and thriving.

We love you beaner!

Mommy



At her first swimming lesson, anxious to get in the pool and sporting the cutest, dimpliest legs ever:

Can't be perfect

My batteries are in desperate need of a re-charge. Usually, the mental lists keep me up at night and in the moments where I am falling asleep, I am categorizing my to-dos and prioritizing the urgent tasks I need to accomplish. Right now, I'm so absent from my life that I don't even really know what the to-dos are.

Last week, I billed 80 hours and then managed to take the weekend off to keep our plans with friends. We drove up to San Luis Obispo and shared a big suite at the famous Madonna Inn with friends who drove down from the bay area. They are college friends and they have two kids, each about a month younger than our kids. It took us about 6 hours driving up Saturday morning in the rain with potty stops and a lunch break. We hung out in the room for a bit before taking the kids to see the Lorax (which was awesome. LOVED it!). We brought back pizza and wine, and the adults sat on the couch and talked all night after the kids went to bed. We all went to breakfast the next morning before driving off our separate ways. 5 hours on the way home, then some laundry and dinner before I dove back into work. This week was more of the same, lots of hours, lots of late nights, shockingly little time with my family and little sleep.

That weekend away was so nice, despite the fact that 11 hours of it were spent in the car. Now that seems like ages ago. I actually am sort of ok with working a lot right now. I don't necessarily love what I'm doing, but I know that work will be slow again at some point and it will be nice to build up some hours while I can so I can enjoy that slow period when it comes. I am also getting some new deals that I am excited about because I feel like I will work with good supervisors and learn a lot. But it's really hard on PJO to basically be taking care of everything, work full-time and try to keep up with the other stuff, like studying for his test. It's not fair to make him do it, but there isn't really another option right now. And the one thing that makes my long hours worse is guilt from him.

So, the big deal that has taken almost all of my time for the past few weeks is supposed to close this week. I have a lot on my plate for when it's done, but hopefully I can manage it and still have some time at night or on the weekends for family. I don't know how people stay at this job for years.

Meanwhile, the kids are doing very well. Timmy has his second swim lesson tomorrow and Ellie has her first! She is just doing the parent and me group lesson (so it's more for fun) and Timmy has a quick private lesson with a teacher he really liked last time. He is quickly leaving behind all traces of toddlerhood and becoming the most fun and sweet little boy to have around. Ellie is getting huge (at 6 months, she's now 95th percentile for height and 75th for weight), moving around the room, trying to crawl, supporting her weight when standing, eating everything she can get her hands on and jabbering away non-stop. They take a bath every night together and both go to bed at 7:30 or 8 and both wake up at 6:30 or so. I feel like we have completely adjusted to having two kids and it's awesome.

Now, if I could just completely adjust to being a working mom. Not sure when, if ever, I'll feel like I'm there.

Occupied

This has been a long week. It's Friday afternoon and I've billed almost 70 hours this week so far. I haven't seen my kids or husband nearly enough. I haven't gotten even half the amount of sleep I need. I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes while I slave away at the office. My baby will be 6 months old in a few days, and is rolling across the room, trying to crawl, sitting up unassisted and eating the shit out of bananas and sweet potatoes. My other baby, the one who is already 3.25, is making up jokes and songs, talking in complete, (often) grammatically correct sentences, finally getting the hang of using the potty even when he's distracted and manipulating us as best he can for more play time, more snacks, more back rubs and more holding Ellie bean. My husband is working hard, studying for the final CFA exam in June and training for the second "Tough Mudder" even in the summer. He's trying to get a side project up and running to eventually become a business and he's climbing the ranks at his company, recently getting promoted. We are busy. While I wouldn't call my level of job satisfaction high at the moment, getting busy has forced me to finally get back into the swing of things since returning from maternity leave. And I am (knock on wood) hopefully leaving tomorrow morning for a quick family trip to meet some friends in San Luis Obispo (they're coming down from the Bay Area).


There is so much I have wanted to talk about lately, including the personal semi-crisis I went through recently where I doubted everything I thought I knew about what I wanted from a career and work-life balance. I just haven't found, or made, the time. I will jot my ideas down, if only to be able to look back in a few months and wonder how I ever thought those things. Maybe this weekend.

Look who is eating solid food!

In pursuit of health

I'll preface this with an apology...I'm going to talk about weight/food/diet and I usually hate all of that talk. Also, this is absurdly long.

In 7th grade, my English teacher dubbed me a "firecracker." She said that I got super fired up about a project/idea only to shortly thereafter fizzle out. I was insulted, but I couldn't help but admit that she was somewhat accurate in her assessment of me. I think I just get obsessed with things very easily but I have neither the time nor the attention span to sustain those obsessions.

Fast forward to today, and I have diets on my mind. I would really like for this to not be a firecracker fad. The thing is, I've never been good at diets. Until I went away to college, I tried my damnedest to gain weight and could not. The cruel 6th graders used to call me "Stick-Stickly" (anyone remember that talking popsicle stick from Nickelodeon?) and "Twigessa." Then in 7th and 8th grade, I grew 8 inches in 2 years! So to say I was unattractively skinny is to put it mildly. I ate whatever I wanted and lamented that Seventeen and YM constantly preached about body image and losing weight, but never touched on difficulties that come with being too skinny.

College. No one warned me that beer every night, 5am pizza runs and breakfast and lunch at the cafeteria could negatively impact my body. You would think a smart girl would know that, but I either didn't know or I didn't care. I gained the freshman 25. This is WHILE I played volleyball. For the first time that summer, I actually dieted. I worked out. I cut out anything sugary, fatty or highly caloric from my diet. I lost all that weight before going back to school for my sophomore year.

The following four years living in New York, I was much closer to my normal weight, but always a bit on the heavier side of that. As many New Yorkers do (or at least Manhattanites), we ordered delivery A LOT. I was too lazy to work out regularly. I enjoyed drinking a bit too much.

PJO and I moved to CA in 2006 and I instantly dropped 5 pounds. I still don't work out regularly (although I'm fairly active), but I also don't eat as much as often. Once I started having kids, my normal weight dropped about 10-15 pounds.

So here I am, about to turn 29 and I never even think about my weight or size of clothing or how what I eat affects either of those (because it doesn't). I like a lot of food, healthy and unhealthy, so I always just eat what I feel like getting and assume there will be a balance. My weakness is sweets, I completely indulge with no portion control, but I wasn't motivated to change that. And yet, I need to go on a diet.

Somewhat surprisingly, it has very little to do with the dietitian we met with. I have been meaning to talk about that, but essentially she told us that she saw no problems with Timmy's diet, thahttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gift she thinks he's healthy and just needs to be more active to be at a healthy weight.

This has to do with my lungs. The 2 minute background is that I have had asthma since I was little. Not the kind where I have asthma attacks but the kind where every cold turns into something awful. Over Christmas break of my junior year of college, right before I went to study abroad in Spain, I had double pneumonia. I thought it was the flu (per the diagnosis from Columbia's health center) and sat on my dad's couch for a few days, unable to do anything. Finally, my mom made me go to the hospital when she saw me. I thought she was crazy for overreacting, but it turns out it was good she did. The ER doctor said that if I had waited another day, I might have died. My blood oxygen level was at like 60% or something crazy low. I had pneumonia in 3 of the four lobes in my lungs. I was put on IVs (I had 5 bags on my "Christmas tree" at a time) and I was in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. I had never before felt so weak or been in so much pain (and at that point, I had been through "bad" cases of chicken pox, Mono and Shingles). I argued and fought with doctors to make them let me go to Spain as scheduled, and, like any 20 year old, I felt invincible. I recovered (obviously), but I feel like my lungs never FULLY recovered.

This past year, I had bronchitis about 8 times. My form of asthma essentially causes my body to produce too much mucus, so every cold started as a sinus infection and 1 day later, it would all be dripping down into my lungs. I was miserable. I decided to make an appointment to see the lung specialist I saw when I had the pneumonia.

He said to me, "it's probably the asthma. When you get sick, you'll need to ask me to prescribe you a steroid and you should reduce foods that cause mucus in your diet." Guess what those foods are? Red meat, white flour, white sugar, dairy, caffeine and chocolate. I mean, everything wonderful in this world has just been flagged as dangerous.

I know people are told to adjust their diets all the time and usually they don't listen. My father in law had a heart attack at a young age and he eats lots of terrible stuff. But my mom was talking to me about the pneumonia the other day, telling me about how she sat by my bed in the hospital and watched the number on the blood oxygen monitor hover for hours at the level her dad's did when he was hospitalized with leukemia. She told me how she really thought I might not live. And I lived through it, but the gravity of the situation didn't hit me until now. Thinking about ever seeing my kids or husband like that, or how difficult it would be if I couldn't be there for them, made me realize I need to do what I can to make myself healthy. And yes, I love cheese and cupcakes, but if I have to give those up for a while to see if my lungs clear up, the mature thing to do is give that a shot.

My plan is to be as strict as I can for March and see how I feel. I can always gradually add back some of what I like to eat. Even if this diet makes no difference for my lungs, it was time for me to cut back on sweets and dairy anyway. I am guessing that if it makes a difference, I won't want to go back to eating like I used to. So for March, I am trying to eat vegetarian except for fish and chicken once a week each. I'm not letting myself have any sweets if I can help it. I wanted to cut out wheat completely, but I'm sure some whole wheat will sneak in there. Dairy will be excruciating, so I'll probably let myself have a piece of cheese or yogurt every so often.

I had no idea how hard it is to find breakfast foods that have no eggs, no dairy, no meat and no wheat. This morning I had oatmeal with walnuts, honey, banana and berries. It was good, but I will be sick of that in a few days. There are always non-cream soups or veggie sandwiches without bread for lunch. With gluten free pasta, rice and quinoa, I think I can come up with plenty of dinner ideas. If anyone has any ideas for recipes to try, let me know!

Heart

I'm one of those, I-kind-of-hate-Valentine's-Day-but-I-love-the-candy-and-dressing-in-festive-colors-anyway kind of gal. I don't care that it's (completely!) a Hallmark holiday or really that it "forces" people to show/declare their love one day rather than throughout the year. I just refuse to make plans OUT on Valentine's evening because it is so crowded everywhere, full of awkward people who never go out with each other the rest of the year and it costs double what it normally does.

Today, PJO and I got away and had a lunch date at a restaurant near the halfway point between our offices. Other than the fact that work made me late, it was perfect. Quiet and romantic, outside in the beautiful sunshine. We don't normally do gifts, but he surprised me with flowers and cupcakes from the best bakery EVER. I surprised him with concert tickets to a band he loves and I ...don't. Tonight we have plans to eat heart-shaped pizza and drink champagne, like we do every year.

Timmy loves Valentines day too. He had a party at school today and we brought valentines to give to his classmates. They were the perforated Toy Story 32-to-a-box cards, which PJO helped him write "To Friend, From Timmy" on and tape a candy to. Timmy painstakingly put a heart sticker in the perfect place on every single one while eating his oatmeal this morning.

Ellie is wearing her heart ruffle-butt leggings and that is the extent of her participation in the holiday, but that's enough.

The best part of today, though, is related to shoes. I realized Sunday that Ellie has no shoes to wear for her baptism, which is this coming Sunday. I looked online and found a pair at Nordstrom that I loved, but they didn't have them in stock anywhere local and I didn't want to chance the timing of shipping. So then I found them on Zappos. While I was there, I got a pair of dress shoes for Timmy that were on sale. And then the suggestions on the right side of my screen flashed a beautiful pair of pumps that were only available in my size and were about half off. So I closed my eyes and figured it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Placed the order Sunday afternoon and paid $7 to upgrade shipping to 3 days just in case. I noticed that I hadn't received an email saying "your order has shipped!" this morning, so I called Zappos to see if they knew when it would ship. The Customer Service rep said, let me refund you that $7 and upgrade you to next day UPS. Oh, and here, let me invite you to VIP membership, so you will always get free next-business-day shipping. So even though I didn't complain, I got all sorts of perks. Talk about amazing customer service. Now I should get the shoes on Thursday! WOOHOO

Day of Reckoning

I woke up early this morning and got to the orthodontist at 7am. I took one last "before" picture. The process of getting the braces on was pretty quick and painless. They don't really hurt yet, but I'm told tomorrow will be my worst day and that I'll say to myself, "what have I done?"

When I got back to my car, I took a picture and sent it to my mom. She said she couldn't tell that I had them in the picture. So when I got to my office, I sent her a more close-up picture, and she responded with "still not as bad as I thought it would be." And I guess I kind of feel the same way.

It feels weird to have so much stuff in my mouth, but I don't think it has affected my speech that much. The big thing I'm dealing with is food. I am amazed at how difficult it is to eat. Everything. I got a croissant this morning, thinking it would be good because it's soft, but I had buttery, flakey goodness plastered all over my teeth. My edamame and quinoa salad at lunch took a good 10 minutes to clean up after. I will be one of those people that brushes her teeth in the office bathroom everyday after lunch.

So far, I am finding the unveiling process to be much worse in the build-up than the actual event..Once it's out in the open, everyone moves on. But before I tell or show someone, I feel anxious and awkward about it.

The estimated lenth of treatment is anywhere from 10-18 months, depending on how easily and quickly the impacted tooth drops down. I know that is a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme of things. And better to wear braces than deal with major dental problems down the road from not dealing with this stupid tooth now. But I am counting down the days to getting these things off and tearing into a bag of gummy bears.

Mini-Updates

Some are not so mini, but here is what has been going on lately in my little corner of the world:

I had plans to drive up to LA last Friday night for a baby shower (well, really a pizza/girls' night in to celebrate two friends' third babies). Of course, this is the first night I had work to do. The 1:30pm call asking me to do something by Monday was followed up with a 1:45 email telling me that actually, we need it this afternoon. I left at 5:30 to go home, planning on working from home after dinner. Lo and behold, our internet connection was so bad, I couldn't do anything on the network because VPN kept crashing. Back to the office until midnight.

We called and complained to AT&T about the terrible internet, so a technician came out Saturday. He didn't know what the problem was until he got there and then didn't find anything wrong (so nothing was fixed). That night, the connection was terrible again. AT&T is going to get an earful from me.

Also Friday night, Timmy went to Grandma's house for his first sleepover. He went to dinner with my mom and my brother, watched Mickey Mouse to his heart's content, and had Mickey pancakes in the morning. I thought it would be nice to have an evening of relative peace and quiet. But really, PJO and I just missed him and were giddy with excitement when we went to pick him up on Saturday morning.

We went to a Superbowl party at the house of one of my new co-workers. We were the only ones with kids among approximately 20 adults. Timmy came in from the backyard and shouted to me, announcing to the whole room, "Mommy, I'm going to go take a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG poop!!" He emerged from the bathroom about 10 minutes later and told me (aka the entire room) that "I went poopoo potty!!!" I don't think anyone will ever view me the same way again, but I don't care...I was laughing the entire time.

My first day of work, I was ready to throw in the towel and stop pumping ASAP. Then I realized that I need to use two sets of pump parts/bottles, have wipes for cleaning the pump parts without going to the bathroom to show everyone my pump parts, and I needed to use the cooler with ice pack to store the milk in my office rather than the communal fridge. I also stopped using the bags and just bought an extra set of 4 storage bottles. This way I can keep the four bottles of milk I pumped the day before at home for my mom to use while I take the other four (now empty) bottles to work to pump with. I only use the bags occasionally for when I want to freeze some milk. I bought this and it has made a world of difference. I get so much more work done now. Since I know Ellie will take formula, I am not stressed about producing enough. And as it turns out, I still produce more than she drinks while I'm gone. I don't love lugging the pump to and fro everyday, or taking time out to set it up, take it down, etc... But now that I can easily work while pumping, I think I will keep it up for a lot longer.

Driving home after picking Timmy up from school might be my favorite time of the day. He talks non-stop, sings songs that he learned at school and says the most adorable things. The other night, he was looking out the moonroof, and he said "Mommy! I can't reach the moon!" He stretched his little arms as far as he could and seemed honestly surprised and disappointed that he couldn't touch it. I said, "That's ok, honey. It's really far away, no one can reach it." He responded with "we need a rocket ship because it's in outer space. Mars is in outer space too." 3 year olds are the best. Then last night, he said, "Mommy, no go to work. You stay home with baby Ellie." He repeats this often, to both me and PJO. He first said it a few days before I returned from maternity leave. I'm not sure why he says it, but it kind of breaks my heart, even if I don't want to stay home.

We looked at another preschool last week. We aren't super happy with the school Timmy's at. After someone recommended a school that had an infant program as well, PJO and I decided to tour it. I loved it and left thinking that we would apply that night. But then we realized that the cost is what we pay now for Timmy's school and my mom as a nanny (albeit still less than we would pay for a "real" nanny). And we would have to do drop-off and pick-up ourselves everyday, not have anyone at home to help put dinner in the oven or clean up during the day. And it was out of the way for both of us to get to work. So we didn't apply and likely missed out on the few openings that were left for the fall. I think we may get a nanny and send Timmy to school part time, but that will probably cost an extra thousand dollars a month over what we pay now. And my mom has said she doesn't want to be our nanny. We could put both kids in a daycare near our house and pay a few hundred dollars less per month than we pay now, but I think we really need the extra help given our current jobs and I don't love that daycare either. So I'm feeling anxious about what we'll do for childcare. Again.

I don't like my cats. They scratch and destroy EVERYTHING, they are ridiculously messy (litter and hair everywhere), they throw up hairballs on the carpet and they don't move out of my way when I walk in the dark (and they're black, so it's hard to see them). I have been wanting to find them a new home for probably the past year. Now it appears we may have to because we think Ellie's allergic to them. She has been sick since she was one month old with very few days where she isn't completely congested and coughing. Usually, when we take her in, the doctor tells us that her ears, nose and lungs look fine. The Nebulizer breathing treatments aren't really helping. The saline solution, humidifier and nose suction aren't helping. Her eyes have been especially red and watery lately. The doctor said it's clear that she has "environmental sensitivies" so she prescribed a steroid oil for exczema and said it would be wise to get the cats out of the house for at least a week to see if that's the cause. I'm thinking that even if she doesn't seem much better after doing that, the cats certainly won't HELP her allergies. When I realized that they may actually go to a new home, I got a little sad. That night, Timmy followed Furious George (aka "Georgie!!") around trying to put a sticker on him and cracking up. My kids don't really pay much attention to the cats, but when they actually play with them, it's really freaking cute. But my poor Ellie bean needs to have a chance to not be sick all the time.

AMT sucks. I actively resent the government for taking a third of our income and not giving us any deductions in return (since we don't have a mortgage). As PJO says, we are officially the oppressed middle class. Maybe we would be better off if we split up, he says. "Sir, what is the reason for your separation? Irreconcilable taxes."

Tomorrow morning I get braces. Unexcited is putting it mildly. When I will get them off depends on how fast the tooth moves down. I turn 30 next April and I will cry if I have braces for that milestone birthday. I will probably cry before then too... because I have braces. I have a lot to learn, like which foods you can and cannot eat, how to floss and brush, etc... My mom feels terrible that she didn't have the money to afford to pay for them when I was younger (or really, the xrays at the dentist that would have revealed I needed them), so I can't even complain about the braces to her.

Where did I find recipes to try or craft inspiration before Pinterest? I can't remember.

The chiropractor says I have the back of a sixty year old woman. That's what it feels like to me too. I blame my 38 pound boy and 15 pound girl.

Two months later, I am so glad we moved. I love the space that came with upgrading from apartment to house, I can't imagine living without a backyard now, and our lives improved drastically from cutting down our commuting time and being closer to my family. But I really, REALLY miss the community and the girlfriends I left behind. On a related note, I am totally meant to live in the suburbs. I love the peace and quite and do not miss the traffic at all.

We finally finished unpacking about a week or two ago. Boxes are gone, things are where they belong, pictures are on the walls, etc... I have a violent visceral reaction when I think of moving again, but I am excited to look for a house to buy because I think I know the neighborhood I want to live in now. 90% of me wants to buy a house in our current county before Timmy starts kindergarten (in the Fall of 2014) and stay there until our last kid finishes high school... at least. The other 10% wants to be able to pack up and move somewhere much cheaper and work much, much less as soon as the opportunity presents itself. I am still leery of buying right now, both because I think it can be a bad financial move (with the current state of the economy and because renting saves money unless we stay put for 20-30 years) and because it would probably lock us into higher paying jobs for longer in order to afford the mortgage. We have time to figure it out, but it's not in my nature to avoid thinking and planning for the future.

My Family

Compromising is not a skill I am very good at. I strongly prefer to just do what I want, and if someone else doesn't want the same thing, I convince them that they do. Unfortunately, there are some things in life that you just HAVE TO see eye to eye on. Especially in a marriage, decisions that affect both spouses and the family as a whole need to be made together. And this rule sucks sometimes.

I know I want a third baby. I am 99% sure. The 1% is me admitting that it would be nice to never have to be pregnant again or go through the sleepless nights again, to be able to get rid of the assortment of bulky baby toys and gear after Ellie is done with it, to avoid putting my career on pause again, to never have to forego another margarita once I'm done breastfeeding, and to avoid having to pay for daycare through college for another person. The other 99% of me really wants to add another member to our family. Part of it is that I come from a family of three kids and that just seems more like a family to me than a couple with two kids. Part of it is that I just don't feel done. Part of it is the fact that I love having a little baby, the snuggles, the cuteness and the attachment. Part of it is that I love every age we've been through so far with both our kids and I still want more. Part of it is that I want loud and boisterous family dinners and vacations when we're all older. Part of it is that I want my kids to have friends for life...having one more baby would double the sibling relationships each one has and it would mean that even if they are fighting with one sibling, there would be another that they can go to. I feel like I already know this imaginary third baby and have grown attached to him/her.

I'm sure by now you know where the problem lies. PJO has said that he is pretty sure he does not want any more. He "feels complete" and thinks that the world is made for families of four and he doesn't know how we'd make it work since he already feels stretched thin with two kids and two working parents. I, of course, object to the characterization of "feeling complete" because it's not as though I am unhappy in any way with what I have. As a matter of fact, I find everything about my family to be so completely wonderful that I can't imagine not wanting more. If you ask Timmy if he wants two cookies instead of three, he's going to say three cookies! I do not believe in too much of a good thing. I also think the idea that it's easier to go do things with four instead of five is sort of silly...I don't remember it ever causing any actual problems when I was growing up. But the thing that I can't get away from is that he feels like we just may not be able to withstand the added stress a third child would bring.

The last few months have undoubtedly been stressful. Within a couple months, we adjusted to having a newborn at home, we moved, we (slowly) unpacked, switched preschools, started potty training, were all sick, sacrificed sleep when Ellie decided she didn't want to do it, transferred inordinate sums of money to pay off student loans and PJO worked a lot of hours. I think things will get easier (and already feel the tide turning). Even if they didn't, I would rather hire whatever help we need to stay sane than sacrifice what I want for my family. I think he will eventually feel the same way when our lives calm down a little bit. But I have to prepare myself for the possibility that he won't.

The day he told me that he is pretty sure he doesn't want anymore, I felt such a loss. I stood over Ellie's crib as I was putting her to bed and sobbed. For someone who almost NEVER cries, this was big. I can't be angry because the decision to have a baby has to be mutual so it's only fair that we each be entitled to our own opinion on the matter. All I can do is be hopeful that he'll change his mind and be grateful for what I do have, which I admit is a lot. But I will still be sad to let that third baby go if I have to. I do love these babies of mine.

Why I Went to Law School

Answering the call to explain why I went to law school. I feel like I should preface this with "do as I say and not as I do" so take this for what it's worth...just my story and not an example of what anyone else should do.

Growing up, everyone always told me I should be a lawyer. I was opinionated, loved to argue and debate and I was relentless in my quest to be right and have the last word. Granted, these qualities don't have much, if anything, to do with what I do for a living now, but apparently people think these make a good lawyer. I didn't know many lawyers and unlike the rest of the population, I have never watched Law & Order, so I really had no idea what a lawyer's life is like.

Everything I did before I turned 18 was all about getting into the right college. Once I was there, I was completely directionless. No one really told me that you should still study and get good grades, so I just went out drinking every night of the week and had the time of my life. It didn't really occur to me that I may go to grad school one day. By my junior year, I realized I needed to start thinking about what I would do after, and I naturally looked for what kind of jobs I'd be qualified for with my major in political science. Turns out, not much. I interned at the Council on Foreign Relations, which was awesome, but decided that I didn't like the think tank environment enough to put up with the terrible salary. My next choice, public relations or government affairs, proved to be difficult to break into and also did not pay well. Rather than expand my job search geographically, I just applied to and got a job as a paralegal at a big law firm in New York.

I started right after the fourth of July as a corporate/bankruptcy paralegal. It was nice to work in a big, glamorous law firm with tons of other smart, recent college grads. I made good money and enjoyed a lot of the law firm perks but in New York, most people are paralegals for one or two years, so I knew it wasn't a permanent job. At the end of September, I decided that I didn't want to be a paralegal for another full year. I figured that the first year associates were basically doing the same thing I was but making triple or quadruple the money, so why not just go to law school? (can you say young and naive?). If I registered in the next few weeks, I would still be able to take the LSAT before applications were due, so I did it. I signed up for a Kaplan course too, but of course those four weeks turned out to be the busiest while I was working. Most class days, I went down to SoHo after work, took the class and came back to work until 4 am. I never got the chance to really study and am generally terrible at standardized tests, so I got the very same score on the LSAT that I got on my first practice test...which was not very good. But, it was too late. I had already sent in my applications before I got my score.

I got in to a few schools, all of which were second tier. I read the employment statistics and I knew people from these schools that ended up getting jobs they wanted (and jobs I would be happy to get), so I decided to just go. I figured I could always transfer to a higher ranked school after the first year if I wanted to. This was 2006 and pretty much everyone who got decent grades that wanted to work in BigLaw could get those jobs. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after graduation, but I figured my goal should be to get the best grades I could to keep doors open (see! I learned my lesson in college!).

When I started 1L in August 2006, I didn't know what a tort was. I had no clue why we needed to learn civil procedure and was blown away that contracts could be so complicated. But I LOVED it. Every second of it. Law school was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed all three years. I loved learning to read cases and discussing them in class, I loved how everything clicked and made sense when I outlined, I loved putting it all together in preparation for finals and I loved the speakers that came to the school to discuss constitutional issues and hot topics.

I did well my first year of school, so I decided to just go through OCI and see what happened. I researched the firms and picked which ones to apply to. From the outset, I had a first and second choice out of the pool of 20 or so firms. I had about 8 callbacks which had varying levels of success. When I got an offer at my top choice, I jumped on it. I have never looked back.

So I think it would be fair to say that I went to law school because I had nothing else to do with my political science degree. I did think at various times in my life that I might like to be a lawyer, but that certainly wasn't the driving force behind me applying. Once I was in law school, I started formulating an answer to the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I honestly still don't really know. There are many things I love about being a lawyer, including following rules (I'm a big fan of order, rules and organization), working with very intelligent people, reading and writing, and being involved with deals that are very relevant and important to the marketplace and our society. I like that I have a professional degree so that there are less jobs closed off to me. I like dressing up in professional clothes every day and going to an office. And frankly, I like the salary I get paid.

There are less glamorous aspects, like student loan debt, long hours, sometimes boring and tedious tasks and a high stress level. But I know that I can always take a "step down" and find a job that is much less demanding (and lower paying) if it ever gets really unbearable. For about a year after I graduated, I felt a little trapped in law because I knew I would need to make my BigLaw salary to be able to afford to pay off my loans. Now that I have paid them down and the minimum monthly payment is about 20% of what it once was, I can breath easier.

Would I go back to law school if I could do it all over? I don't know. As I said, I loved law school and I got a job that I feel very lucky to have out of it. But if I went to law school today, it would never turn out the same. My firm doesn't hire from schools like mine post-economic collapse. It would be soul-crushing to have that kind of debt without the means to pay it off quickly, and none of the good things about my job would be enough to make that worth it. I guess if I could go for free to school, I would do it all over again. It's not like there was another career that I gave up to go to law school. I'm still not sure what else I would do if I wasn't a lawyer. And knowing now how ill-suited I am to being a stay-at-home mom, I'm glad that I have a career and not just a job.

My advice would be to have a very conservative approach to applying to law school. If you are reasonably convinced that you would be happy as a lawyer and you can go to law school on a full-ride or with a very good scholarship, go for it. If there is something else you have a passion for, do that. If you didn't get into schools that are offering you money, think long and hard about how much it costs and how long it will take you to pay that money back.