A Hard Decision

My therapist wants me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've really had to think hard about it. It was a difficult decision to make, because although I think that at times I do have problems with alcohol, I don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Of course, isn't that what all alcoholics say? I have been to meetings before when I was in treatment at Renfrew for my eating disorder, and I hated them. I was so anxious, and some of the men made me very uncomfortable. I found an all women's group in my area, so I think that I'm going to go on Saturday. For the most part, when I do drink, I think that I'm more of a binge drinker. Alcohol also tends to increase the likely hood that I will dissociate. I want to stop, because I do believe that it is impeding my recovery. I promised my therapist that I would not drink again, and she said that she would not keep me as a client anymore if I continued to drink. I value our relationship so much, and to lose her as my therapist would be devastating to me. I also want to do this for my husband and children. I know that it dissapoints my husband when I drink, and especially when I drink in secret. I feel so ashamed, but it would be even more shameful of me to continue such a damaging pattern of behavior.
Well, that is the latest news from me. It feels like there is always some hurdle for me to jump over, but I refuse to let alcohol control me anymore. I do like to have my control!

Secrets, Guilt, And Shame

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate, which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit.

I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her how guilty I feel after I eat, and she asked me if there was anything else that made me feel guilty this week, and yes, there was. A friend of mine that I had been in treatment with called, and she wanted to get together for coffee. She called out of the blue, and it took me off guard. She sounded like she really needed to talk, and could use a friend. I wanted to be there for her, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough in my own recovery to help her right now. The last time we saw each other, we were both very sick, and I know that we would compare ourselves physically to how we were then, or at least, I know I would. I'm not ready to put myself through that. I wish that I didn't feel embarrassed over my weight gain, but honestly I do, so there is more shame. I told her that I would call her, but I know I can't, and that makes me feel guilty for not helping someone who is reaching out. I went and purged right after I got off of the phone with her. Talking with her touched a nerve, and I have felt emotional every time I think about it. My nutritionist praised me, calling it "setting boundaries", and "self preservation", but to me, it has just felt weak and cowardly, and I dont feel very good about it. I'm trying to take care of my own needs, but then it feels selfish. I hope that somewhere within myself, I can find a peaceful balance between my own needs, and the needs of others.

"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."~ Merle A. Fossum & Marilyn J. Mason, authors of Facing Shame: Families in Recovery. New York: W.W. Norton & Co. John C. Friel & Linda Friel (1988).

Emotional

"Tree of Light"

Artwork by Rita Loyd

I'm at home for awhile writing some social stories and play scripts for my

autism students, but I'm taking a break at the moment because I'm feeling very emotional. My therapist and nutritionist are out of town at the Renfrew Conference in Philadelphia, and it is this same time last year that I called them at the conference to tell them that I wanted to go in-patient. I feel like I have come so far, and not so far, all at the same time, which is a very strange feeling. I guess that there is a part of me that thought the eating disorder would magically disappear by this point, and that is so far from where I really am. It is still such a struggle, and maybe it was wishful thinking to believe it would all be gone by now. That is okay. I'm still up for the fight. This year's anniversary has just really hit me hard and it has taken me by surprise that I'm so emotional about it. Last year I was in treatment during the Thanksgiving holiday, but this year I will be able to spend it at home with my family, and for that, I am so thankful.

I Am Recovering

I'm tired of the eating disordered thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if they will eventually fade away, making room for more productive thinking. That is definitely what I am hoping will happen! I have been eating though, so that is an improvement. I'm not up to eating all of my meal plan yet, but I'm doing most of it. I'm still not great at breakfast or snacks, but I'm consistently eating lunch and dinner. The eating disorder likes to try to talk me out of these meals and it is a constant argument in my head, but I'm winning more often than not. I wish I could say that it feels good to win, but I'm not sure how I feel about it to tell the truth. It has been almost a year since my in-patient treatment at Renfrew, and the decision I made that I truly wanted to recover. I mostly wanted recovery for my family, and that is still true. I want to be able to want it for myself, but I'm not all the way there yet. I still have ambivalence, and my thinking is still very much disordered,

but I am recovering.

I am healing.

Affirmations

A friend of mine that I was in treatment with at Renfrew wrote this poem


Affirmations

Measuring self-esteem
Is never done accurately on a scale
Of pounds and ounces
Kilograms and grams
Nor calories and miles
So lose your tape measure
And stop checking your bones
Let go of the sick jeans
And photographs embracing emaciation
Say goodbye to that porcelain god
Withholding regurgitated meals
Vomitron and Starvathons are over
Mirrors are not meant to answer questions like
Who's the fairest of them all
It's okay to be healthy
It is not my duty to be ill
I deserve happiness
Life
And recovery
And that is exactly what I'm pursuing
Fully aware that there will be slips
Bad days
And triggers in seemingly innocent affairs
But I am more than willing to take the risk
To let go of this disease
Because I would rather have the chance to be happy
Than live one more day in sharing my life with my eating disorder
I have nothing to lose

Blogging For Human Rights~ Eating Disorders And Health Insurance

This is something that I wrote a few days before I was admitted to Renfrew Center, which is an in-patient eating disorder treatment facility. It was also the night that I almost committed suicide due to the stress of insurance and health care issues.

Today I am just trying to take each moment as it comes, but still, the emotion overwhelms me. I went this morning to have my lab work done. I have spoken with my supervisors at work, and now we are just dealing with the money and insurance issues. It is very hard not to feel like I'm a burden. This is going to wipe us out financially. I feel hopeful and hopeless all at the same time, which is very strange and frightening. I also feel such pressure from myself. My therapist says that there is no way that I can fail, but it is very hard from where I am sitting to see it that way. I do think about just ending all of this. I have never been in the place where I either want recovery so much, or I just want to give up. I don't have an in between place anymore. The middle is purgatory. I'm so tired... My heart is skipping... I need for it all to stop...

That night I was seconds away from taking a handful of pills when my oldest son happened to walk down the stairs just to tell me that he loved me. I felt such horrible guilt over our financial situation. I didn't want to be a burden. For so long I had been slowly starving myself to death and was finally able to reach out for help, only to be told that I wasn't sick enough.

Insurance would only cover a 21 day stay even though I was medically unstable and it was recommended that I stay for 60 days of treatment. Throughout my stay at Renfrew, it was a daily occurrence for young girls and women to be sent home against medical advice. Eating disorders are considered a mental illness, and of course, this country is not going to help the mentally disabled. How many people do we see living on the street who could live happy and productive lives if just given medical treatment?

For more information on eating disorders and medical treatment, go to Caringonline or Renfrew Center .

You shouldn't have to fix it all by yourself.