Cease and Desist

I retreat, and often it is unconscious, unintended, and yet my body speaks before I am even aware that I've had enough. I'm physically and emotionally depleted, and the emotions are not negative emotions, but draining, none the less. Dave had an MRI last week, and after dozens of these in the last few years, it should be easy, but it isn't. 

No, it isn't...

What is strange is that at the time, I seemed to not give it a second thought...just another day...La La La..., and then a week later, Dave texts me that he read the report, and from what he gathers, the brain tumor hasn't grown at all! My heart contracts in my chest, jumps into my throat, and skips a beat.  I text back, trying to be the devil's advocate, suggesting we should wait to hear it from the doctor's mouth before celebrating. I may have held my breath, but I didn't go to that appointment with him for the first time in a long time, because I wanted so much to believe. It was good news, and that fucking tumor hasn't grown! Nine more months before another scan, and the relief is huge. I told my therapist, and she tried to get me to do a happy dance, but I couldn't. I just couldn't allow the happiness. I don't think I realized how heavily the fear was weighing, and it seems almost immediately, I got sick. I still can't take a full, deep breath, and I haven't struggled with my asthma in such a long time. Physically, my body is tired. I work with an aggressive student, and then I continue to practice and teach yoga, and although yoga is healing, I haven't taken the time to allow the practice to heal me. I go from work, to teaching at the studio, and teaching in the treatment center, and weekends are more teaching and practice. I love it, but my body has let me know by getting sick, and I've had to slow down. I've also criticized, judged myself, and worried that I cannot do everything. I take on all of the classes I can teach, and rarely say no. I seize every opportunity, and then my body rebels, and balancing my wants with my needs is something I'm still trying to figure out. I've had to call in sick to work, sub out a couple of my classes, and miss my own practice, which feels horrible. I miss the connection of my friends, and I'm realizing that I also miss being connected to my breath as well as my body. I'm still trying to figure out a way to do what I love without sacrificing my health, but I don't have all of the answers. Ahhh, Damn! 

I don't have all of the answers! 

Artwork by~ Johnny Palacios Hidalgo

"Our dreams are always calling us into greater gestures of surrender, which to everyone around us, looks exactly like bravery."~ Toko-pa

Time Is A Wise Teacher

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness. 

Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is still growing. This is not what we were expecting to hear, which brought not only fear, but great disappointment. We have been sitting with this news, both dealing with it in our own ways, as well as beginning to make plans for what this will mean in all of our lives as a family. There are changes and transitions that will have to be made, and it can all become overwhelming if we get too far ahead of ourselves. 

Friday evening, I went to the yoga studio to teach my class, and as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the studio, a wave of peace washed over me. I felt such relief to be able to shift my thoughts to the students in my class, and to simply be present with them. After class, I went to Satsang, which is offered by the owner of the studio. Satsang is an evening that focuses on chanting mantras, healing mudras, and sharing community. The evening was focused on moving energy, manifesting our intentions, and most importantly, finding joy. I could feel the shift within myself as the night came to a close, and I realized the next day what it was that had changed. It wasn't the situation that had changed, but the way in which I chose to look at the situation.  I could allow myself to continue to be paralyzed by my fears of the unknown, creating self destruction through harmful behaviors, or I could choose to see the joy and beauty right in front of me in this very moment. My husband is alive, we have this time together, and it would be wrong not to take advantage of this gift. I am living my dream of teaching yoga, and working with the eating disorder community to help others to heal. I have to trust this journey and the path that I am on, even through doubt and fear. 
Time is such a wise teacher.

Artwork by~ Cassandra Barney

I Am Deserving

"The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling."

~Fabienne Fredrickson

 

This past week has been filled with many emotions, mixed with a dash of craziness, and ending with gratitude. It began Sunday with a bit of crazy. There was some freezing rain here in the evening, and as we were finishing dinner, Dave and I heard a crashing sound. The boys had gone downstairs, and we thought maybe they were goofing around. Dave went and looked out the front door, and someone had crashed their car into my oldest son's car that was parked on the street. Luckily the young man who was driving was not hurt, although both cars are in bad shape.

Dave started his radiation Cyber Knife treatments this week, so we were both anxious about how he would be feeling, but so far it is going better than we expected. He has had a lot of nausea, some blurred vision, and dizziness, but nothing compared to what recovering from surgery would be like, so we are thankful. He has three more treatments this week, and that should be all he will need.

The best part of my week happened on Thursday. I took a yoga class from my beloved yoga teacher Emily, who also owns the studio. After class she told me that she had placed an envelope at the front of the room for me. She told me that I may want to wait and open it at home, which I did. It was a beautiful card saying how much they all loved me at the studio, and because of my dedication, they were offering me a scholarship to do the teacher's training which begins in January. The scholarship, paired with financial help from my step-dad will allow me to pursue a deeper journey into my yoga practice, and hopefully allow me to share this passion with others. I'm beyond grateful and excited!

 

The upcoming week will be short, and I'm looking forward to the holiday break. Dave will be finished with his treatments, and we can move on to keeping him healthy. There is so much to look forward to, so I'm going to make a huge effort not to worry about it all being taken away from me, which is something I tend to do. I will repeat this mantra~ "I am deserving, I am deserving, I am deserving..."  

The Sound Of My Breath

 

 

"Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom." 

~ James Wright

 

I find it difficult to be here, and as I write, I realize that I'm not only talking about my blog, but almost everywhere. I can't seem to finish a poem lately. The drafts are piling up because I stop writing when I can no longer inhale. I love my job, but sometimes when the kids I work with cry, I want to sit down, wrap my arms around them, and let our tears flow together. Yoga is the one place where I can find some peace of mind, but even there, I have to talk myself through at the beginning. This morning, at the beginning of class, we were all sitting together, eyes closed, and suddenly I couldn't take another breath, and my eyes flew open in a panic. I had to remind myself that I was safe. Flashbacks can come out of nowhere, stealing my breath.

 

Beauty also steals my breath...moments of pure love.

I came home from work one day this week, and I took my computer downstairs, and snuggled in next to my husband on the couch. He was close to falling asleep, his breath even and deep, and he looked at me and said, "I adore you." He said it with such sincerity and emotion, and he has never said those words to me before. Yes, he tells me he loves me, but this was more...so much more. It is a gift that will last a lifetime.

 

His tumor is growing again. We found out last week, and I'm not sure it has hit either of us yet. It's not like we didn't know it was coming, but still...

We listened to his neurologist, and both of us always go, because it is better that way. We hear more...Anyway, there are limited and uncertain options at this point. Maybe they could radiate the tumor with the cyber knife, which would be less invasive, oral chemotherapy, or another craniotomy. We are waiting to hear from the radiology people about if the cyber knife is an option. Oral chemotherapy isn't usually very effective for this type of tumor, or he does the craniotomy, which his neurologist said would most likely leave him with significant neurological deficits. So, we are waiting at this point...  

 

We are blessed with so much support and love, and we will lean on that. I will be the strong one right now, because that is how we always do this dance. We are always each others strength. I try not to think any farther than the sound of my breath.   

Unworthy

Unworthy

For more than half of a day
I felt unfamiliar elation
followed by
The helpless type of anger
that leads to blank staring
at inanimate objects
until they blur into a sort of
cohesiveness that feels safe.

The chaos of children,

trying to be perfect,

the distractions of a mind

riddled with thoughts
of starving, money, tumors,
and autism. Fear of my own
incompetence.

In my mind
I'm still a child
longing...

Forced to see and do
what no child should ever
witness

Fearing for my life

Innocence lost

Why do I feel so unworthy of peace?

There are arms and voices
that comfort my pulsing veins
and moment by moment
through the fear
I see the hope
that could be my home.

Angela Minard 2009©

Good News

We just returned from Dave's doctors appointment, and we have received some good news. The tumor hasn't grown much. We were also waiting on a second opinion about radiation as our next course of treatment, and that is a go, so no surgery for awhile. Luckily the tumor grows slowly, so we have time on our side. Thankfully, all of the prayers, good thoughts, and positive energy must have been heard and answered! We are truly grateful, and so very blessed.

I will leave you with a poem that I wrote for Dave awhile back, because, well...I love him so much.



For David

Hold out your hand
and place gently in mine.
The feel of our fingers,
our souls intertwined.
Can you hold on
when my spirit drifts away?
I promise to come back,
I have just lost my way.

Reach out and find me.
Don't ever let go.
We wonder some days,
but our love,
it still grows.
There are those moments.
We're weary and worn.
Words,
they can hurt,
leaving hearts feeling torn.
Repairs will be made.
Cried tears always dry.
We trip
and we stumble,
and yet we still try.
On this journey together,
our love never dies.

Hold out your hand
and place gently in mine.
Forever,
forever
our souls intertwined.

Angela Minard 2009©

Resolutions

Everyone send your prayers and good thoughts our way. Today is Dave's neurology appointment, and we will know what is going on with his brain tumor, and where we go from here with treatment options. I'm sleepless, worried, and as usual...writing:)



Resolutions

Wide awake
my mind circles and spins
and it begins
all over again

Together we will wait
clasping hands
and we will wait
and take
what is thrown our way

Questioning the Gods
but they are not Gods
just men
maybe wrong
maybe right
Holding us by the throat
the grip so tight

Breathing room
walking light
no more doom and gloom
it is time for trite

In this together
again
we fight

Angela Minard 2009©

Fighting with Bullies

It has been a long week, and I'm tired. Mostly, I'm tired of fighting the war in my head...the war with ghosts, and food, and fear. The day to day stuff of life is hard to deal with when my head is already so full.
My #3 son was bullied after school today. My son is in the 8th grade, and a 9th grader that he doesn't even know started throwing rocks at him. My son asked him to stop, and when he wouldn't, I guess a scuffle ensued, and my son came home with a scraped up face. I will be calling the principle if this continues, but my husband wants to wait and see if it resolves itself, so for now, we won't be stepping in. I was so angry when I saw his face though, let me tell you! Tomorrow is his birthday. He's my Halloween baby.
It always feels like it's something around here, but with four boys, I guess, what can I expect? I can never say that life is dull:-)
Work is exhausting, as usual, but I do love it, and it's rewarding. I need a lot of breaks from it though. It is good that we have long holiday breaks, and summer off, because I need those times to recharge my batteries.
I'm anticipating my husband's neurology appointment which is on Tuesday, and that in itself is wearing on me. It had better not get postponed again or I will be furious! All in all, I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed with just about everything.
There is a good side to all of this. I'm getting through each day, and I can honestly say that I'm not depressed. I don't want to stay in bed and give up. I'm not lethargic and hopeless. I've been there, so I definitely know the difference. I just keep telling myself that I can handle whatever comes my way, and that I have so much help and support. I'm not going through any of this alone, and I'm very blessed by all that I have.
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and a Happy Halloween!

Waiting

I feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit. I thought that the waiting and anticipation would be over by this time today, but no such luck. Dave's neurology appointment that was scheduled today had to be rescheduled for next week because his surgeon had an emergency surgery to perform. We found out yesterday, and I was so disappointed. It is so nerve wracking having to wait, and my anxiety is really high. I know that I shouldn't think the worst, but that is always what I have tended to do. I'm afraid of the disappointment, and I figure that if I think of the worst scenario and I don't get my hopes up, then it won't hurt so much if I get bad news. I'm ready to know what we are dealing with, so that we can move on, move forward, and make plans. It is hard. We know that the tumor is growing, thankfully slowly, but it is growing, and because it is touching the brain stem, it cannot at this point be totally removed. He has already gone through two surgeries, and now we don't know what are next options are. I just want to know in what direction we are going. We were supposed to hear from our surgeon about a second opinion that he was going to get from another doctor, but we never heard back from him about it. It is so frustrating! So now, next Tuesday is his appointment, and I can hardly wait. I'm taking off work so that I can be there to ask questions, and to be another pair of ears for Dave. I can only imagine how overwhelming all of this is for him. I want to be able to give him support and strength through all of this. We have been through so much together. Whatever it takes to keep him here with us is what we will do. I'm determined to get some answers!

Out Of The Darkness

I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I didn't go to Dave's last appointment, so I didn't get to ask questions. This time, I'm going, and believe me, I WILL be asking questions!
So, while Dave is away, I've made some plans to hang out with friends and keep myself busy this weekend. Tonight I'm meeting friends for happy hour, and then tomorrow I'm spending the day with my best friend that I've known since 7th grade. We are going to check out the Andy Warhol exhibit at Union Station. I'm also supposed to meet some friends Saturday night to hear this band called Cherry Bomb play. I'll just be the gal about town:)
I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good. In many ways, things about my eating disorder have changed, so I'm taking note: It used to make me feel more in control, but now when I use those behaviors, I actually feel more anxious and out of control. I fear the behaviors and what I'm doing to my body. I care now, and that is a big difference. That in itself feels like such a HUGE thing. Wow, I'm beginning to care about myself. Maybe in some ways, this relapse has been a blessing in disguise. I want to believe that once again, I'm moving out of the darkness.

Good Enough

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over eating. The restricting is giving me the illusion of safety and security, and I feel like if I don't restrict, then something bad is going to happen.

Work is going well, and I really like the people that I'm working with. We do have a very aggressive student, which has been very stressful. Getting hit and kicked is an everyday occurrence. His last day will be on Friday though, so that will ease a lot of the tension in the classroom. He is being transferred over to a more appropriate environment where the safety of other students won't be compromised. I'm not sure if this is what triggered my relapse. I do think that proving that I could work with this student had something to do with it. I'm always so worried about what other people think of me, and I felt like people were watching my every move to make sure that I was following his behavior plan to the letter. Maybe now that I have proven that I'm capable, I can put less pressure on myself. I'm also worried about my husband's brain tumor. It has started to grow again, and of course, I have no control over what is going to happen. I'm terrified of losing him, and of being alone to finish raising our four sons. I know that restricting what I eat helps to numb all of those scary feelings. That is why it is so hard to let it go.

Nothing But Time

Nothing But Time

Life goes on
with nothing new
until you say
"It's been
a dizzy day,
I just need
to be still."

In my dreams
I still can hear
you screaming in pain
and I wonder
if the time is
now.

Now,
when this world
as I know it,
ends.

We wait for October
and second opinions.
Finding comfort
in the time we have
for doing nothing.
Holding the unknown
in our idle hands.

Angela Minard 2009©

A Weight Has Been Lifted

Yesterday we had our family therapy session so that we could talk to the boys about my suicide attempt. Both my therapist and Dave's therapist were there to facilitate the session, and I had a session with my therapist beforehand. I was so nervous, but I think that the session went really well. I think that the kids were mostly worried that they had done something wrong to make me so unhappy with my life. I think that I was able to assure them that the reason that I was sad and in so much pain had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my past and how I felt about myself. It was important that they understand that it was a horrible mistake that I made, and one that I promised them that I would not repeat again. They are really wonderful boys, and I am so blessed and thankful that they are a part of my life...one of the best parts of my life!

I am so relieved that the session is over with though. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, which is such a cliche', but very true. I feel like I can really move forward with my life now, and put the past and my mistakes behind me. That doesn't mean that I won't still have hurdles to jump over, but I feel like the path ahead is clearer. I think the biggest hurdle besides Dave's brain tumor is this damn eating disorder. The sickest that I have ever been was after Dave's second surgery, and this recent diagnosis is a huge trigger for my anorexia. I want to be healthy, strong, and not try to mask my emotions with the distraction of my eating disorder, but I think that it is going to take a great deal of vigilance. I do have to say though that I'm feeling much stronger, and generally in good spirits. I'm getting regular exercise, and the new anti-depressant that I've been on seems to be working.

Life is good:)

Worry Is Wasteful And Useless In Times Like These

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good.

For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life without him, but there I go again, getting ahead of myself! Anyway...Dave said something to me tonight that just about broke my heart. He said, "I'm glad that you are here with me."

~Tonight the lyrics to this song by Jewel gave me some comfort~

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

I'm Radioactive

I'm home from my gastric emptying study, and feeling very focused and centered at the moment. I ate a small plateful of radioactive scrambled eggs while I was there, and then was x-rayed for 90 minutes while lying prone on an oh-so-comfortable metal exam table. I went into what I think was a meditative semi-awake state, and before I knew it, the back of my hair was an absolute mess! I hope that they figure out what is going on with this body that I'm really working hard at not despising. I see my therapist and nutritionist later this evening. What a fun-filled day! I'm trying to eat as much as my body will comfortably allow, but I get full so quickly, and that feeling of fullness is still very scary.

Feelings and emotions...
I'm not the only one who runs away.
My husband did not want to accept his award this weekend because he was afraid of his emotions.
He didn't feel worthy.
A man who went through two craniotomies, spinal meningitis, and a deep depression, didn't believe that he was worthy of an award dedicated to faith.
There was a time when I questioned whether or not he wanted to keep fighting, and I was angry.
Why didn't he want to stay with us?
We all get caught up in the darkness sometimes.
When the pain and fear is overwhelming,
what pulls you toward the light?

Keeping The Faith

This morning our family participated in Head For The Cure, which is a 5k walk/run to benefit brain cancer research. This year my husband was chosen to receive a special award, called the "Keeping The Faith" award, which is an award that recognizes those who are fighting the courageous battle against brain tumors. We were all very excited when we found out that he had been chosen. Head For The Cure has been very important to our family. We have participated every year, and every year, it is one more that we will share with Dave, and one more year in which we know that we have won.

Head For The Cure Fundraiser

Make a Difference in the Fight Against Cancer!
On Sunday, September 7th, I will be participating in an event called Head for the Cure, a 5K run/walk that raises money for the Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund and Solace House. The Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund seeks to improve the outlook for adults and children with brain tumors through research. The Solace House is a center for grieving children and their families. My race to the finish line will be inspired by your generous donations to these worthy charities.

Save a Life, Make a Pledge
There are approximately 190,000 people diagnosed with a brain tumor in the United States each year and there are more than 120 types of brain tumors, which makes treatment complicated. The proceeds from this event will help fund much needed research into brain tumor causes and treatment. Additionally, it will help improve the quality of life for individuals living with a brain tumor today.

Head For The Cure was started in honor of Chris Anthony, a beloved husband, father, and friend, who lost his battle with cancer at the young age of 37. I am running in honor of his life and his courage. Since I probably can't talk you into running with me, I have set up this online fundraising page so that you can make a pledge in my name.

Thank you!

A Hummingbird Dream

The hummingbird holds a special meaning for my husband and I, so in honor of him, and also, because it is Father's Day, I thought that I would share this story.

Twelve years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor called an astrocytoma. Although benign, the tumor is touching his brainstem, making total removal, as of yet, unsuccessful. He has had two craniotomies to remove what they can, and surgeons have said that they will be unable to perform a third. Radiation treatment is the next treatment option. Fortunately this type of tumor is slow growing.

When Dave was in the hospital, after his second surgery, drugged up on morphine and in horrible pain, he awoke from a restless sleep, calling out for me. He asked me if I had seen the hummingbird that had been flying around the room. I told him no, that I had been asleep. Excitedly, he described his vision of a hummingbird, filling the room with beautiful colors. The brightest most brilliant colors he had ever seen. He seemed so disappointed that I had not been awake to see it, and was certain that it had not been a dream.He was trying so hard not to cry as he told me that he knew now that it was not time for him to die. The hummingbird had sent him a message filled with hope and life.

A Hummingbird Dream

The hummingbird's
kaleidoscope
of mosaic colors
bounce along
the hospital walls.

Hallucinations,
drug induced mumbling...
The hopeful beauty
of living.

Yes!
I feel your dream,
but no,
my eyes,
they do not see.

The hummingbird's
whirring wings,
they sing...
of many days
left to share.

No,
I do not hear,
but I believe.
Oh yes!
I do believe.
You're coming home
with me!

Angela Minard©