They Have Touched My Heart

I'm so tired, but I wanted to share how my first day of school with my classroom of boys was, and I'm happy to report that it was wonderful. They have already touched my heart. I get so emotional for some reason when I work with these kids, and I can already tell that I'm going to be able to connect with this group of boys. The staff is also great, and I feel like we are going to be a really positive team. Three of the boys are non-verbal, but the other one is highly verbal. He already asked if anyone else in the classroom talked! Poor guy. He is fairly social, and has mainly been placed in this classroom because of his aggressive behavior, which we haven't observed so far. There always seems to be a honeymoon period at the beginning of the school year though.

This weekend went so quickly, and I'm already getting ready for the beginning of the week. 5:00 a.m. comes early! Last week I got up every day to walk with my neighbor, and I feel like that is an important thing for me to do for my body. I'm trying, but this first week of school was stressful, and I found myself restricting my food intake quite a bit. What's new? That is mostly the norm for me anymore, and I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I am doing better with the purging though. I noticed that I have been having horrible acid reflux because of the purging, and it has been very uncomfortable, so the natural consequences of that has been to purge less often.

Money is really tight right now, so I'm not going to be able to see my therapist or nutritionist for the rest of this month. That will be strange, but maybe I'm ready to cut back on sessions? I don't have a choice, so we will see. I cried when my husband told me that we couldn't afford the sessions, and I'm not sure why. Money issues scare me, and I hate talking about it. I like to bury my head in the sand, and I'm horrible when it comes to finances. I let Dave handle all of that, which I know is only going to bite me in the ass somewhere down the road. My next goal is to have him tutor me on all that I need to know. Well, for being so tired, I sure did write a lot! For now, I'm going to call it a night. Wishing everyone a fabulous week!

Moment By Moment

I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe that I can control the weight loss at a certain point. I think that most of the problem is that I've damaged my metabolism to the point where I only need the minimum amount of calories to function. When I try to eat what is the normal amount of calories for someone my age and size, I maintain a weight that feels uncomfortable and unattractive for me to be happy with. My nutritionist may not agree with this, but that is the conclusion that I have come to, whether it is accurate or not. Anyway, that is the choice that fits at this moment, so that is the one that I'm going with for today. I do want to thank everyone who has been commenting. Your advice and concern mean a lot to me. The blogging world is filled with many kind and wonderful people, and I appreciate all of you who take the time to let me know that you care. Oh, and by the way, this is my 501st post on this blog, and over 100 of those have been poetry, so while you are here, feel free to check out some of my poems:)

Tightrope

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang on to what is truly important. Choosing between sickness or health sounds so simple and I feel like an idiot, and such a broken record. I bore myself with all of this, and I'm sure that it makes for dull reading at this point. "When will this woman get it together", you say! I'm right there with you, wondering the same damn thing, and yet, I do have hope. I'm hanging onto it for dear life.

Secrets, Guilt, And Shame

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate, which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit.

I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her how guilty I feel after I eat, and she asked me if there was anything else that made me feel guilty this week, and yes, there was. A friend of mine that I had been in treatment with called, and she wanted to get together for coffee. She called out of the blue, and it took me off guard. She sounded like she really needed to talk, and could use a friend. I wanted to be there for her, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough in my own recovery to help her right now. The last time we saw each other, we were both very sick, and I know that we would compare ourselves physically to how we were then, or at least, I know I would. I'm not ready to put myself through that. I wish that I didn't feel embarrassed over my weight gain, but honestly I do, so there is more shame. I told her that I would call her, but I know I can't, and that makes me feel guilty for not helping someone who is reaching out. I went and purged right after I got off of the phone with her. Talking with her touched a nerve, and I have felt emotional every time I think about it. My nutritionist praised me, calling it "setting boundaries", and "self preservation", but to me, it has just felt weak and cowardly, and I dont feel very good about it. I'm trying to take care of my own needs, but then it feels selfish. I hope that somewhere within myself, I can find a peaceful balance between my own needs, and the needs of others.

"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."~ Merle A. Fossum & Marilyn J. Mason, authors of Facing Shame: Families in Recovery. New York: W.W. Norton & Co. John C. Friel & Linda Friel (1988).

Hopeful

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk in therapy about how the eating disorder is not about the food, but we have come to the conclusion in my case that it is somewhat about the food. The food plays a part in the feelings that are attached to it at the very least. We decided that I would try not to eat alone, and that at dinner time I try to be the first one finished so that I'm not sitting at the dinner table all alone. It has really helped me not to purge my dinner, which was becoming a big problem, so I guess this week I had a therapy breakthrough. Isn't that great?! I am feeling very hopeful at the moment.

Black Or White

Work is really wearing me out lately. I have an aggressive student in the morning, and then I spend the afternoon in the autism pre-school. It makes for a very exhausting day. Today when I came home, all that I really wanted to do was park my butt on the couch and be lazy, but I got on the treadmill instead, and now I feel so much better. I really had to talk myself into it, but I'm glad that I did.
I'm doing okay with food this week after a rough weekend. I miss breakfast, but I have been taking my lunch to work in the afternoon. Dinner seems to be the most difficult. I either don't eat, or I eat and then purge it. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much with it, and it is very frustrating, especially the purging. It is almost like having an out of body experience when I do it, and it really does scare me because it feels so out of control. I just feel like I can't have the dinner food and calories inside of me. My therapist tries to tell me that it is not about the weight or calories, but about the feelings that I'm trying to avoid. I have a hard time with that concept though. It FEELS like it is all about the weight to me. I would be happy if only I could weigh 10 lbs less, 15 lbs, 20 lbs...when does it end? It doesn't end. It is an all black or white game that I play with myself, only there never is a winner, because it will never be enough. Will it be enough when I can force myself to sit with these feelings without running away and hiding behind the eating disorder? I don't even remember not having an eating disorder anymore. It has been so long that I'm honestly terrified of letting it go, as crazy and masochistic as that must sound. It is a strange sort of comfort that I wrap around myself, as if it can somehow keep me safe. I try hard to see through the illusion, but I continue to flail. I'm dreading going to see my therapist and nutritionist tomorrow because I wonder when they are going to give up on me. I don't even know what to say to them. I'm honest about my behaviors, and I'm not hiding anything, so I know that I want the help, and maybe for now, that is enough.

Ashamed And Afraid

I have a friend who has recovered from anorexia, and she is a wonderful role model for me, and also someone that I always have a lot of questions for. This week I have really been struggling, and so I contacted her for some support because I'm very scared and confused right now. This was an e-mail that I wrote to her~

I'm struggling a bit and have some questions for you. Did you ever feel like you would be happier if you could have your eating disorder back? I feel like I wish that I could restrict better...like I used to, and like I have lost something. I think that I was happier before. I miss the euphoria that I used to feel when I was restricting. I'm also starting to purge which is something that I've never really done, and it scares me. That just started this week, and I have told my team about it, but haven't had any sessions since it started, so they haven't been able to help me to figure out what the hell is going on. I just don't understand why I'm doing this.
I'm so ashamed of the purging, and it is also very frightening because it feels like I have no control over it. I wasn't even sure that I could write about it here, but I do like to be honest, and share what I'm going through. Anyway, here is what she wrote back to me, and her words were very comforting. It helped me to not feel so alone.

She said~"Yes I did go thru that. I think it is part of letting the ED go. It is hard to feel all those feelings and deal with reality I guess you could call it, but it isn't true that you were happier with ED; that is just what your mind tells you as an excuse to fall back. I always say I need a running start to get to the next step of recovery. I fall back just a little to test the waters and once I know it is still there I can move a step forward. Did you ever read Eating In The Light Of The Moon? She has an analogy of a log in the river. Something like the log is ED and you are trying to let go of ED and get to the shore but you are scared and insecure so you hold on. Then you find the courage to swim around the log grabbing on occasionally for security until you feel strong enough to let go and swim to shore.
The purging is probably trying to test the waters with your team and maybe a need for more help to get to the next step. I use to try new things all the time when I felt I wasn't being heard or I felt I was dealing with something all alone. And actually further in my recovery the more extreme these things would be. I know it sounds weird but I think I felt I needed to be really bad because I was doing so well. Recovery is so hard and I know you are dealing with a lot right now. Is Dave ok? Did they find something to help him? That has got to be something on your mind and a thought of being out of control because you can't control that. I think you need to find a new motivation. Something that you really want to do but ED is holding you from doing that. that is one of the reasons working at Renfrew has been so helpful. They depend on me and the women there depend on me so I feel I have to "healthy" to stay so it keeps me going in the right direction. Well, and also my Harley. :) If I was in the midst of ED there would be no way I could even lift my Harley to get on none the less drive it. Try to find a new motivation to get you excited. How is your poetry book coming?
Take care of yourself and see what wonderful things you have in your life worth living a healthy life for. Make a list of all the things you want to do. And then find a way to do them. I believe and have seen it work that if you put your mind to something anything is possible. I doubt myself a lot but I have done some pretty cool things I never thought I would ever be able to do. You just have to push through that thought of I can't and that nervous feeling like you are going to fail or something because it is totally worthy it."
Isn't she so wise and wonderful?