Are You Comfortable In Your Skin?

What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin? As someone who has both battled an eating disorder, and also have many friends who struggle, it is a common thing to say and to also hear. We think that if we could only be a certain weight, we would be "comfortable," but I will tell you that this is untrue. What we are uncomfortable with has nothing to do with the size of our bodies. What we are uncomfortable with is being present. It is impossible to find comfort when you are continuously running from yourself. How often do we sit with ourselves in silence, being still and aware? Today I took a yoga class with a teacher that I love, but don't often get to take classes from, and she said as we were settling into Downward Facing Dog, "Fill in the blank...I am grateful for...," and immediately I thought, "I feel grateful for my strong and resilient body." Oh, how I made my body suffer, trying to find some shred of comfort...my heart became weak, severe osteoporosis, my hair clogged the drain every time I took a shower, and I was beyond tired. Yes, I was thin, but I was far from comfortable.  I wasn't trying to be comfortable, I was trying not to be...

When we are present, we journey beyond our bodies, into the deepest part of ourselves, and into the truest form of who we are. I began to nurture my body by feeding it, and at first it was painful, and definitely uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn't even begin to describe the intensity I was feeling both emotionally and physically. Re-feeding isn't pretty. Does recovery mean you will always feel at home in the skin you inhabit? NO! The flow of healing isn't linear. There are peaks and valleys, and often we learn the most from those places of supposed inertia. Listen to the silences, and pay attention to your soul. Your soul is speaking...

Be still...

"And so there must be in life something like a catastrophic turning point, when the world we know ceases to exist. A moment that transforms us into a different person from one heartbeat to the next."

~ From "The Art Of Hearing Heartbeats" by Jan Philipp Sendker

Connecting

My body image pretty much sucks right now. I ate dinner, and felt really full, which I am not at all comfortable with. I actually thought about purging, and that is something that I haven't done or even thought about in a long time. Instead, I jumped on the treadmill. What is strange is that I also did some strength training and stretching today. I should be feeling great about my body, right? I also lost another 1/2 lb. when I was weighed by my nutritionist. I should be jumping for joy, right? Yet I feel so down on myself today. My nutritionist is the one who suggested the stretching and strength training. She said it would help me to feel in tune and connect more with my body, instead of just zoning out on the treadmill. Maybe that was the problem today. I actually felt connected to my own body, and that was scary. For so long, I've hated my body, and feeling in touch with it didn't feel very great. I remember doing yoga when I was in the eating disorder treatment center, and actually crying because I could feel my body. I've disconnected from it since the rape, and feeling it is really hard for me. Wow, just writing this out has helped me to understand why today has been rough. I will continue to work through this and hopefully by tomorrow I will feel better about myself.

Emotional

"Tree of Light"

Artwork by Rita Loyd

I'm at home for awhile writing some social stories and play scripts for my

autism students, but I'm taking a break at the moment because I'm feeling very emotional. My therapist and nutritionist are out of town at the Renfrew Conference in Philadelphia, and it is this same time last year that I called them at the conference to tell them that I wanted to go in-patient. I feel like I have come so far, and not so far, all at the same time, which is a very strange feeling. I guess that there is a part of me that thought the eating disorder would magically disappear by this point, and that is so far from where I really am. It is still such a struggle, and maybe it was wishful thinking to believe it would all be gone by now. That is okay. I'm still up for the fight. This year's anniversary has just really hit me hard and it has taken me by surprise that I'm so emotional about it. Last year I was in treatment during the Thanksgiving holiday, but this year I will be able to spend it at home with my family, and for that, I am so thankful.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I'm just sitting here waiting for Renfrew to call me. I have a 2 hr phone intake interview at 9:00 a. m. I had to take the day off from work. I'm too much of a mess right now to go anyway! I can't even imagine why it would take 2 freaking hours on the phone, but whatever! I just can't wait to get it over with. My insurance has been cleared, so that is good. I just hate this waiting and wondering when I will leave. Most likely soon, which means that I will probably be gone for the holidays. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I cried off and on all day yesterday. Dave and I have a therapy appointment together with my therapist this evening, and I also see my nutritionist tonight. I have to go to my regular doctor and have a ton of lab work done, including an EKG, seven days prior to beein admitted. What in the world have I gotten myself into?

In-Patient

I'm in a scarey place right now, and really more afraid than I have ever been. I can't eat. I tried last night~a few bites of fish. I cried over a granola bar this morning before I finally gave up. I can't ask Dave for help, and I don't want to put him in the position of monitoring my food. I don't know if I can be accountable to myself at this point. I wanted to be able to do this on my own, but I'm not sure it is possible. I can't seem to handle dealing with all of the trauma stuff and feed myself at the same time. I think that maybe I need a safe place where there is emotional support to work through the food issues...where I won't be able to engage in harmful behaviors and use starving to cope. I need to learn how to eat, but I don't think that I can learn on my own. I can't seem to push myself hard enough.
The fear gets in my way.