The Lie Of Perfection

Each fold and sharp crease between thumbnail and stark white paper

hisses with outrage

refined angles

cutting remarks behind a simpering smile

shooting baskets with the misshapen wads

aim and miss

each paper crane is formed from everything she was told she lacked

her many failures bent into the correct aesthetic shape

forced to acquiesce 

throbbing fingers crimp and tuck

seething warmth rising with each crumpled mistake

these messy pages tell her battled tale...

-the lie of perfection

Angela Minard© 

Artwork by Duy Huynh

Beyond the Pose

planting my hands firmly into the ground

and flipping upside down

shifting perspectives

exploring the perimeters 

a compass leading in all directions

Inhale

expanding freedom

Exhale

releasing into gravity 

the outlines disappear

diving into presence 

hold on tight

savor the moment

and then let it go

dancing with breath

leaning into life...

Angela Minard© 

Eating Disorder Recovery Update

I wanted to share some of what I'm going through lately while continuing to recover from an eating disorder. The lack of much physical activity in these past couple of months has been triggering. I'm losing muscle tone, and although I don't know exactly what my weight is, I do know what it feels like it's doing. I recognize that I may not be accurate in my assessment, nevertheless I'm not acting on behaviors. My appetite has decreased along with my energy output, but I'm still working hard to adequately nourish my body. I have nausea due to some of the medications I'm temporarily on, so I need to keep something in my stomach.  It is challenging, and the eating disorder is loud. I still struggle with negative body image, but I'm not allowing any of that to cause me to restrict. I want to be strong after surgery, and using behaviors will not help with recovery. I want to get back to teaching yoga as soon as I can. I'm practicing lots of self care, and taking time to do things that also nourish my soul, such as writing, reading, and cultivating a more consistent meditation practice. This may be a small road block, but I actually do believe in myself. I would like to be completely recovered from anorexia, but if that never happens, I will never give up. I will come out even stronger, I have no doubt!

Illuminated

The main reason that I started writing this blog was to sort out my thoughts and emotions throughout my recovery process. The reasons that I continue are not only for those same reasons, but also because I have learned that it is important to myself and others, to be vulnerable. I am as honest as I can be here, because we all share some of the same hopes, fears, and basic human tendencies. When I realized I wasn't alone, the world was not nearly as frightening. I'm recovered from anorexia, but that certainly doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with my body image. I do. I'm in the public eye every day as a yoga teacher, and I'm not the hard bodied, lean yoga teacher. I'm the short, curvy yoga teacher, with extra bits here and there, and most days, that is okay. It never matters once I step my feet on my yoga mat because for fuck's sake, it doesn't matter! The days that it does matter, I need to take a few steps back, and ask myself why. It is never about my weight. It is usually about avoiding a feeling, or a myriad of feelings, which brings me to this...

My sweet friend Monica, www.illuminatespirit.com is someone I met at Darling Yoga. She is a massage therapist, yogi, and amazing photographer. She asked if she could take some yoga photographs of me, and I froze! I admire her work, the photographs she has taken of our friends are beautiful, but I wasn't sure about the idea for me personally. It is not that I think I'm ugly. I take a selfie here and there, but I'm the one in control. I can delete, and I never take body shots. That is sad, isn't it?! I avoid the mirror at all costs in the studio. When I'm moving through my practice, I feel beautiful. Flowing with the rhythm of my breath is like dancing with the most graceful partner who anticipates your every move. It is never wrong. It is yoga...union...

Monica is such a sweet, and gentle soul, but I was nervous. I barely remember the ride to our location, and still don't know where we went. It was a beautiful fall day, with a touch of crispness to the air. I was giddy and flighty, but as soon as I would settle into a posture and breathe, it was yoga; my home, where I am safe. We laughed together, and I do remember that the location had huge houses that looked like English mansions. It was more fun than I thought it would be, but then the fear of actually seeing the finished product was terrifying! I know only too well how critical I am of every perceived flaw. I am strong in my recovery, but I still remember...

I am fearful of anything shaking my foundation, and what if I was disgusted by my extra bits? What if it sent me into starvation mode? What if I disappointed Monica by not being happy with her photographs? Every time she would see me, she would reassure me. 

"You need to see what we all see when you practice. You are beautiful." 

Last weekend, she texted me to let me know she had sent me the link to her website to look at the photographs. A half hour later she texted me back, wondering, but I hadn't looked. I was scared! I went to the studio to practice, and she was there after class with her laptop. Beaming, she said, "This one is my favorite!" It also happened to be my favorite pose. Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana~Mermaid pose. I remember the light, the trees, and how the breeze felt on my skin. It was beautiful because I felt beautiful. Again, it had nothing to do with what I looked like, but how I felt. It was exactly like what I'm always telling my students. "Feel the pose from the inside out, because that is when you know." When you allow yourself to feel, you know everything! 

Thank you Monica, for the gift of knowing, and for making it comfortable, sweet, and painless. I love you. 

Thrive Tribe Kansas

I'm not sure when the idea of wanting to become a yoga teacher began to take shape in my mind, but it was within the first six months of having a consistent yoga practice. I had been weight restored and physically recovered from anorexia for two years, but I was still struggling mentally, and still used restriction at times as a way to manage my emotions. I cried through many practices, and the release made room little by little for more acceptance and more forgiveness. I began to appreciate what my body, which had been weak and broken, could accomplish. I toyed with restriction and pushing my body through multiple classes a day, but those were not the practices that filled me with joy. I found that fueling my body also fed my passion for yoga, and I needed to share that passion with others. The transformation that needed to take place happened on the inside, and had nothing to do with my shape, weight, or size. 

I found out about the work that Chelsea Roff was doing with yoga and eating disorders, and how yoga had helped her to heal, and I knew I wanted to be a part of what she was doing. I went to Denver for her training and was even further inspired by her story and beautiful spirit. I couldn't wait to facilitate her program here in Kansas City, and now here it is! The program is a six week series called Eat Breathe Thrive, which integrates yoga, group processing, and community-building exercises, to help individuals overcome food and body image challenges. My dear friend and fellow yoga teacher, Amy Radar, will be co-facilitating. She too struggled with disordered eating and over exercise for many years before discovering the healing powers of yoga. We will be offering this series on Sundays from 4-6 p.m. at Darling Yoga, beginning March 8th-April 19th. You can register at Thrive Tribe Kansas. Spaces are limited, so sign up soon! 

Be your own kind of magic! 

You deserve to heal...

Let go of body shaming, food wars, self loathing,

and come home to you. 

Are You Comfortable In Your Skin?

What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin? As someone who has both battled an eating disorder, and also have many friends who struggle, it is a common thing to say and to also hear. We think that if we could only be a certain weight, we would be "comfortable," but I will tell you that this is untrue. What we are uncomfortable with has nothing to do with the size of our bodies. What we are uncomfortable with is being present. It is impossible to find comfort when you are continuously running from yourself. How often do we sit with ourselves in silence, being still and aware? Today I took a yoga class with a teacher that I love, but don't often get to take classes from, and she said as we were settling into Downward Facing Dog, "Fill in the blank...I am grateful for...," and immediately I thought, "I feel grateful for my strong and resilient body." Oh, how I made my body suffer, trying to find some shred of comfort...my heart became weak, severe osteoporosis, my hair clogged the drain every time I took a shower, and I was beyond tired. Yes, I was thin, but I was far from comfortable.  I wasn't trying to be comfortable, I was trying not to be...

When we are present, we journey beyond our bodies, into the deepest part of ourselves, and into the truest form of who we are. I began to nurture my body by feeding it, and at first it was painful, and definitely uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn't even begin to describe the intensity I was feeling both emotionally and physically. Re-feeding isn't pretty. Does recovery mean you will always feel at home in the skin you inhabit? NO! The flow of healing isn't linear. There are peaks and valleys, and often we learn the most from those places of supposed inertia. Listen to the silences, and pay attention to your soul. Your soul is speaking...

Be still...

"And so there must be in life something like a catastrophic turning point, when the world we know ceases to exist. A moment that transforms us into a different person from one heartbeat to the next."

~ From "The Art Of Hearing Heartbeats" by Jan Philipp Sendker

What Does Your Body Represent?

I’m a myriad of feelings, a ball of confusion, trapped within a body that in its best moments seems foreign, but most times only disgusts me. I was talking to my therapist this week about my body image, but I knew at the time that all it sounded like was that I was unsatisfied with the way I look. She tells me that this is the part of the eating disorder that is the most difficult to get past, and I know that until I can work through this, I'm at high risk for a relapse.  I sent her an e-mail yesterday, because I had a panic attack while getting dressed in the morning. This is what I wrote~

 

”I want someone to understand, but I don’t even understand why I feel so miserable in my body. It isn’t even about what it looks like as much as it is about how it feels, and I can’t get away."

 

Her reply~ ”What does your body represent that you want to get away from?”

 

I thought about her question for most of yesterday, and what I came up with is shame. My body represents shame, and the more there is of me, the more shame I feel. No, scratch that…it isn’t even about the size of my body, it is about feeling. I'm feeling so much more than I ever have. I’m not as disconnected from my body anymore, because that is what the restriction of food allowed.  My therapist called me last night, to see how I was doing, and I told her what I came up with, and she said that made perfect sense, and that we would start working on those feelings of shame. It isn't like we have never talked about shame before. We have talked about how I blame myself for being raped, and that shame is deeply ingrained. What I want to get away from is the rape, and the trapped feelings that I had during the rape have carried over and onto my body. There is still so much work to be done, and it seems like an endless task at times, but I can do this. I want so much to be free.

The Little Things

Here are some pictures from Yoga In The Vines at Somerset Ridge Winery in Louisburg, Kansas. Yes, yoga and wine!!! I thought more than twice about posting the top picture, because it is after all, a picture of my butt, which I haven't always thought so fondly of, but it does a really good job of keeping me steady in this pose:-) I've been working hard on improving my body image this summer, and I see where I'm becoming more accepting. I'm sturdy and strong, healthy and alive, and holy shit, what else matters!? What did I ever think was so great about being a waif? Maybe it was a lack of expectation on the part of not only myself, but others. 

The other day in yoga class I had a very powerful moment with a friend of mine who is taking the teacher's training and was assisting the class. I was in a Warrior 2 pose, which is a deep lunge, arms open and reaching. She came up behind me and placed her palms beneath mine and told me to press hard. The combination of her supporting me, and yet connecting to my own strength was an amazing feeling. Even better was this comment that another friend made on her Facebook page.~ "Yesterday I wasn't feeling well and then two miraculous events occurred: I watched Nancy assist Angela in Warrior 2, and they were both pressing each others palms with all of their strength and I caught it out of the corner of my eye. It almost made me cry to watch both of you connect your power. Then, Emily, gave me the most blissful gift of a grounding massage. It's the little things."  We touch people every day and we don't even realize it. In the moment, I only knew what I was feeling, but our own powerful thoughts touch everyone around us. If I walk around thinking ugly thoughts about myself, that ugliness is spread around to everyone I touch. The more I connect to my own inner beauty, the more I'm surrounded with love. I was talking with another friend the other day after yoga class, and as we were saying goodbye, we hugged, but then she kissed me on the cheek. Her sweet gesture totally took me by surprise, and what I love even more about it is that even now, thinking about it brings me joy. Yes, it is the little things.

Make It Happen

I've been researching information on positive body image, mostly because I need to work on mine, but also because one day I really would like to guide young girls on how to love their bodies, maybe speaking in schools about my struggles with anorexia and poor self esteem. I have so much I want to do, that it feels a bit overwhelming. I want to work on getting more of my poetry published, I want to be a yoga teacher. There is a book that I want to read called Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga~ Reclaiming Your Body, because I really want to focus on this when teaching yoga. I don't think there has been much emphasis on this in the yoga community, and it is a niche that hasn't been addressed much. I'm excited and energized, but where to begin? I know that I need to figure out how to pay for teacher's training classes. I should have worked summer school, but also really need to recharge my batteries after an exhausting year. I also have more work to do on my own yoga practice. I'm getting back on track with my eating. It is the mindfulness that I need to work on. I tend to check out while eating. Being mindful, in the present moment, and self aware are definite goals. It is time to get busy and make it happen!

Connecting

My body image pretty much sucks right now. I ate dinner, and felt really full, which I am not at all comfortable with. I actually thought about purging, and that is something that I haven't done or even thought about in a long time. Instead, I jumped on the treadmill. What is strange is that I also did some strength training and stretching today. I should be feeling great about my body, right? I also lost another 1/2 lb. when I was weighed by my nutritionist. I should be jumping for joy, right? Yet I feel so down on myself today. My nutritionist is the one who suggested the stretching and strength training. She said it would help me to feel in tune and connect more with my body, instead of just zoning out on the treadmill. Maybe that was the problem today. I actually felt connected to my own body, and that was scary. For so long, I've hated my body, and feeling in touch with it didn't feel very great. I remember doing yoga when I was in the eating disorder treatment center, and actually crying because I could feel my body. I've disconnected from it since the rape, and feeling it is really hard for me. Wow, just writing this out has helped me to understand why today has been rough. I will continue to work through this and hopefully by tomorrow I will feel better about myself.

Mother's Day

This was the first family portrait that we had taken twelve years ago. Look at my babies! They were so small, and the time has just flown by. I love everything about being a mom. Watching them grow and change into the wonderful young men that they are becoming. My love for them is overwhelming and unconditional.
You would think that having an eating disorder would have made it hard for me to be pregnant, but those were the times that I absolutely loved my body and felt the most beautiful. I took care of myself like no other time in my life, cherishing the new lives that I was carrying. They are the best part of my life!
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day, especially my mom, who I miss and love very much.

Silence Is A Prison

Today is my last day of summer vacation, and then tomorrow I go back to work. I greatly enjoyed the break, but I suppose it is time to step back into the real world of jobs and schedules. I am an Autism Instructional Assistant, so I work in my local school district with children with autism, pre-school through grade 12. Tomorrow I will find out where my assignments are to start out the school year. I generally move around to different classrooms and grade levels, depending on where the need is. I'm looking forward to meeting the kids that I will be working with, but the first few days back are meetings, so I won't actually be with kids until Friday. It is going to be difficult to get back into my early morning routine. I walk with my neighbor from 5:00-6:00 a.m., and then out of the house by 7:00. I have been walking with my neighbor still this summer, but not until later in the morning, and then I leisurely have coffee and putz around.

No more of that!

I feel like I have done so much healing this summer, and although I'm still struggling with the eating disorder and poor body image, I feel that I'm making progress. I have come a long way in terms of dealing with the rape. I'm not triggered as easily, I tend to handle it better when I am triggered, and I'm not having as many flashbacks or nightmares. It feels good to list those things here, because it does help me to see that I am in fact, HEALING. It is strange, because I remember more details than ever before about the rape, but those memories don't come with so much terror and panic anymore. My therapist said that the memories would come when I was ready for them, and that is extremely empowering. I'm no longer being held hostage by my past. I used to think that keeping it all bottled up inside gave me the control, but I realize that the silence is what kept me a prisoner. I'm beginning to see the blue sky beyond those steel bars.

Tightrope

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang on to what is truly important. Choosing between sickness or health sounds so simple and I feel like an idiot, and such a broken record. I bore myself with all of this, and I'm sure that it makes for dull reading at this point. "When will this woman get it together", you say! I'm right there with you, wondering the same damn thing, and yet, I do have hope. I'm hanging onto it for dear life.

One More Hurdle

Sometimes I get so tired of the voices in my head. That sounds crazy doesn't it? The voices...but they do drive me crazy. The eating disorder, the negative self talk, the reframing of the negative self talk...it just goes on and on! I've been learning to meditate, and when that works, it helps a great deal. Yesterday I needed so much to get out of my own head, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I try to visualize a safe, beautiful place in my mind where I can go, and for the first time in days, the chatter stopped, and I could simply be. It was nice, so I need to try to do more of those types of exercises. We did a lot of visualization exercises when I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and it really does work if you can let go, which is easier said than done. I really need to find a yoga class. I was going to try the kick boxing, but I think yoga would help me to feel more connected to my body. I feel so uncomfortable with my body though, that even going to a class intimidates me. I'm trying to get past those issues, but it is hard. I guess if I can get into a swim suit in front of other people, then I could do yoga in front of other people. I need to keep jumping over those hurdles.

Eating has been hard for me since going to the pool in my swim suit. I'm not sure why. There are just a lot of negative voices in my head. I've skipped some meals, but nothing too horrible. I'm trying to get back on track. I feel fat, which my therapist says is misplaced anger. I find it difficult to see that because I don't feel particularly angry. I guess that the anger I have is easier to direct towards myself, and when I feel fat, the only way that I know how to cope is to restrict the amount of food that I eat. So anyway...that is where I am at that moment. Struggling, but still putting one foot in front of the other.

Days Like These

Yesterday I did it. I actually sat by the pool in my swim suit without the cover up! It was a huge deal for me, but I have really decided that I'm not going to let the eating disorder stop me from living my life. I'm proud of myself, but I'm struggling today with negative thoughts about my body, and feeling down in general. I talked with a friend about it and told her that I was having a hard time today and she said, "Ed is just trying to get back at you today but don't let him win. Keep fighting!" She is right, that is exactly what it is. The eating disorder is always the loudest when I'm winning. It hates that, and I need to remember that it is going to try with all of its might to hang on and keep me sick. It is hard when that voice in my head tells me how worthless and horrible I am. I've been fighting all day not to listen, and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself, but I have found myself in tears a few times. I called my mom and talked to her, and that helped some. My kids have also kept me somewhat distracted. The house is filled with their friends and their laughter, and they also have me running them here and there, so for that, today I am grateful. They always remind me that I have so much to live for. I need that reminder on days like these.

Going To The Pool

I'm sitting here right now in a new bathing suit that I just bought this afternoon. We are going to a pool party later on, and I thought that it was about time that I try to get through the fear of trying on bathing suits. I actually just saw one on the rack, brought it home, and thank God, it fit! I also bought a cover up just in case I'm not brave enough to show the suit. I'm just going to take it slow because I'm definitely not comfortable with my body. I do feel comfortable with the people that I'm going to be around though, and that really helps. When I look back to January and think about the total breakdown that I had over my weight gain, it feels good to see how far that I've already come. Slowly, I'm breaking down the walls that have held me back for so long, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm making my way through this. More than any other time, I feel determined to recover.

In This Body

Today the preschool class that I work in went on a field trip to the Deanna Rose Childrens Farmstead. It is primarily an autism classroom along with four peer models. It was such a beautiful day here in Kansas City. It has been rainy here for many days, so it was nice to see the sun shining down this morning. We had a really great time! All of the kids were extremely good...no melt downs, no one got hurt, and we had plenty of adults available to help. The kids loved seeing all of the farm animals, and especially enjoyed feeding the goats, but I think the highlight was watching them each take a pony ride. Their little faces just lit up as soon as they sat on the saddle. The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.

I got up again this morning and went walking with my neighbor. The alarm goes off at 4:45am, and boy is it hard to drag myself out of bed, but it is so worth it. I remind myself how energized I feel afterwards. I even came home after work and did some stretching, sit ups, and lifted some weights. My therapy homework for this week was to be more aware of what my body can do, and to tune into how my body feels. Most of the time I try very hard to disconnect myself from my body, and Lord knows, I don't WANT to feel it or have anything to do with it, so this assignment has been tougher than it sounds. It was funny...I tried to exercise with the television off...trying to be aware of my breathing and the way my body felt when it moved, and I almost started to cry. Being in my own skin is actually painful. I had to stop and turn the television on so that I could finish. I'm so used to distancing myself from feelings, especially the feeling of inhabiting my own body. It definitely touched a nerve, but I will keep working on it. Maybe eventually I will even graduate to LOOKING at my body. ARGHHHH!! That is a little ways down the road! I have to keep telling myself that it is okay to take baby steps. Baby steps, and yes, even many steps backwards have gotten me this far. I'm just going to enjoy where I am...right here and now.

A Broken Arm And Other Happenings

My youngest son, Roman, broke his arm this week at basketball practice. He fell on it, so his season has ended prematurely:(. He doesn't seem too down about it though, so that is good. He is a happy-go-lucky kid, and makes me smile daily. His sense of humor is contagious, and he definitely has a zest for living, which also means that he plays hard. This is his second broken bone in less than two years! Having four boys means that life around here is never dull.
This week seemed to fly by, which is a good thing. I'm so ready for this school year to be over, so that I can get to summer. I'm really looking forward to the break. Work went fairly well this week though. I have seen so much improvement in the student that I work with in the morning, and that always makes me feel good. I love the kids, but the adults...not so much.
I had good therapy sessions this week, and we have decided to focus mainly on my body image, which is beyond horrible. We talked through and dissected the Letter To My Body that I wrote, and discussed how the rape affected how I view my body and the betrayal that I felt. It has so much to do with blaming myself, and also the body memories that I have. I often feel physically suffocated by my own body, just as I felt during the rape. It is no wonder that I suffered from severe asthma attacks for weeks after the rape. My assignment for this week is to focus on the positive things that my body does for me, especially focusing on the movements of my body when I exercise. I've been walking in the mornings, but I'm also going to start trying to do some yoga in the evenings to help with getting more in touch with my body. I think that the deep breathing that is incorporated with yoga will also help me to feel more connected to my body.

Well, I think that is all for now. I hope that everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Dear Body...

I read about this exercise on another blog called The Anatomy Of A Survivor, and I thought that it sounded like a good one to try for myself.

A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,
I can find nothing about you

to celebrate
besides my children
and it hurts.
Your betrayal haunts me,
and all of the rage that I feel
is taken out on you.
My silent hunger screams
inside of your skin,
but no matter how empty,
the heavy weight of you
will not let go.
You only remind me to feel ashamed.
Touched and taken with such hate
that I find it hard to love you,
and for that, I am truly sorry.
You have nothing to apologize for.
You should not have to ask
for permission to exist.
I'm still learning to let you
take up the space that you deserve.
The fullness and discomfort that I feel
makes me want to crawl out from under you,
but I will try to stay until...
you become a part of me.