Transformed

Transformed

I hold on in my sleep
clenched fists
awakening with aching fingers
empty hands...

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts," 

I think to myself
drifting back into the same nightmare...
footsteps heavy, looming shadows,
and then the comforting sound of
your voice calling my name

"It hurts," I whisper

as your gracefully opened palms
receive my falling tears
iridescent crystals
spilling through your familiar, outstretched fingers

"I will hold it for you," you repeat softly
until my eyes begin to flutter open

...and for awhile

this pain

beautifully transformed

Angela Minard 2017©

The Right To Innocence

“You may be afraid you will go crazy if you start opening up old wounds. But the truth is, the longer you put it off, the worse it will get. Dealing with sexual abuse is not a luxury; it is a necessity. And while the process of confronting and dealing with this issue is painful, it is less painful than ignoring it. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse have entirely repressed the horrifying memory of the abuse. But not remembering doesn’t protect you from being affected. Your symptoms may tell the story for you.” The Right to Innocence - Beverly Engel

The longer I kept my secrets, the crazier I felt, until I no longer could keep it inside. I let my body speak for me, falling into the anorexia, dissociating to escape the pain. Everyday I have to hold onto myself because slipping away was my childhood coping skill. There have been many time that I have wondered why I opened up the wounds, because doing so hurt so much. I've wanted to get away, and I've tried. I've wanted to die, but here I am, stronger than I've ever been. I hope if you are reading this and holding on to your secrets, you will let them go. We all deserve to live a life of freedom and truth.

Small Triumphs

"And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses,
...when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh, is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest?" - "For What Binds Us", by Jane Hirshfield

I've never thought of looking at my wounds and scars as small triumphs, but they are. I was always ashamed for not fighting back...for somehow asking for it, as most survivors of rape do, but I'm coming to believe in my strength not as a victim, but as a true survivor. The mind has wonderful ways of protecting itself from painful memories, but eventually those memories rise to the surface. Dealing with the memories is certainly painful, but also freeing. My silence served a purpose, but my voice is now longing to be heard. I'm beginning to talk, I write, and in doing those things, I'm slowly letting go. I never thought that night four years ago when I told my husband, that there would be so much pain, fear, and anger inside, or that I would hold on to it so tightly. It was mine alone, and who would I be without it? I could only hide from myself for so long, and now I'm finding out that I'm really going to be okay. It is a wonderful realization. I feel the triumph of my spirit beginning to shine through.

Grieving

“My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul” ~Shakespeare

Sometime I feel the grief swelling inside of my chest, and it overwhelms me to the depths of despair. It follows me around like thunder in my soul, pounding in my ears...a heavy weight that bears down on top of me. I want it to go away, and yet it almost feels good to hurt. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings is helping me to heal, so I keep on fighting not to push it away. I understand my reticence to go through this because it hurts like nothing else that I've ever felt. It makes me dread even more the loss of those that I love, if that makes any sense. Grieving all that I've lost...time, and the child that I was, has changed who I am, but it has also made me stronger. It makes me want to hold on even more tightly to what I have, so I'm holding on, and letting go.

Fear Or Freedom?

Every once in awhile someone, usually my therapist, but not always, will touch upon something so deep and painful that I literally stop breathing. That happened to me yesterday, and it felt like fear and freedom at the same time. Unfortunately, the fear took over, I stuffed every emotion that I was feeling back down, and now I feel close to overflowing. I love how this translates into a reason not to eat, because I'm just too full, so needless to say, food didn't go so well yesterday. Sarcasm doesn't even begin to mask the frustration that I was feeling, and I often wonder when I will get out of my own way. Today has been better though. I have a friend at work that I've really been able to talk to about things that I usually don't feel comfortable sharing, and it has helped me more than they probably realize. I'm also starting to feel more safe eating in the classroom thanks to them. I'm less and less afraid each time that I do it. One of the hardest parts of lunch for me is actually fixing myself something to take. It has something to do with self care, and feeling like I deserve to be taken care of and nurtured. I tend to put my needs last, so that is what I NEED to work on. Tonight I'm going to pack myself a sandwhich for tomorrow, which is something that my nutritionist has been encouraging me to do for some time now. In fact, I'm going to end this post right now, so that I can go do that:)

Feelings Of Power

I had therapy yesterday, and today I see my nutritionist. Food has been hit or miss, and I'm mainly sticking with the foods that I feel safe eating. I haven't been eating dinner with the family as much as I should be. I come home and make a smoothie, and call that dinner. Weekends seem to be better, but during the week, I have a difficult time, and I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe it is because it is so much busier during the week, and I don't make as much time to eat. I did eat lunch at work this week though, so I definitely have my good moments. I'm great at making excuses, but the fact is that I'm terrified. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. It almost makes me want to cry, and I wish that I could get past it. I feel like I've failed everytime that I eat, as if denying myself food somehow makes me a stronger, better person. In therapy we talked about being afraid to look like a woman, or to be viewed in a sexual way. I think that is how the eating disorder started. It was a way of being able to take control over my own body because other people had taken that away from me. Now, I have no idea why I'm still hanging on to it, when it no longer serves a purpose. It is like I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. I feel powerful when I can control my body, and that feeling of power is a hard thing to give up. My therapy assignment for this week is to find other things that make me feel powerful.

Challenges

"This heavy heart is lightened and I sing."


I'm struggling to eat this week because I don't have much of an appetite. I don't always pay attention to my hunger cues, because for so long, I have ignored them. Empty is what feels normal and comfortable for me. It is also hard for me at work. I still find it difficult to eat in front of other people, so I just need to challenge myself more. I forgot my Boost and V8 Fusion drinks today, so I didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch. I'm sick of them though, so I'm going to make myself a sandwhich and take it to work for lunch tomorrow. Sitting down to eat it will be the challenge. I will let you know how it goes. My nutritionist has been pushing me to pack a lunch for work for a long time, so I will be excited to tell her that I finally did it.

Tomorrow is a therapy day. I'm supposed to try to take in my journal entry, but I honestly don't think that I will be able to yet. Every time I think about it, I almost start to cry. It is such a painful memory that I cannot even imagine telling anyone about it. The first time I told my therapist about the sexual abuse, I made her turn around so that she couldn't see me say all of those horrible things. I felt such shame and humiliation. These memories make me feel the same way. I hope that one day those feelings will go away. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I was only a little girl. Sometimes even looking at little girls is hard for me. They break my heart.

In between all of this though, is happiness. I'm feeling better about myself, and what I've accomlished so far. I'm doing hard work. I think that eventually I will be able to tell my therapist what is in my journal. I know that ultimately it will be freeing. I just have to gather the courage and strength. I know that I have it in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.

A Leap Of Faith

Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence, but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotions that I can't seem to sort out. Maybe this is what healing is because I'm beginning to actually feel all of the feelings that I numbed myself from for so long. The eating disorder was a sweet distraction from my emotions, but it is no longer working, even though I'm still using those behaviors as a way to cope. So why not just stop, give it up, and take a leap of faith.

Wordless Wednesday

Therapy, Therapy, And More Therapy

Dave and I had a couples session with my therapist last Wednesday, and I have felt shut down both mentally and emotionally ever since. The session was good, but it was also intense and exhausting to discuss topics and feelings that I have always avoided in the past. Silence can be a hard habit to break, but I'm learning to speak up when something upsets me.
Dave made a comment to me last week that brought to the surface so many different emotions. I was walking away from him, and as I did, he said, "Can I have some fries with that shake?" It triggered the eating disordered voice, saying that I have excess baggage, and it also triggered those feelings of my body being looked at in a sexual way. I immediately let him know that I was upset and we were able to talk about it. I know he wishes that he could take back those words, and he would never say something like that if he knew it would hurt me. He just thought that he was paying me a compliment!
I have a therapy and nutritionist appointment tomorrow, but I really don't want to go to either of them. What is there to say? I feel so juvenile and stubborn at the moment. I'm hanging on to all of my irrational thoughts and fears because for some reason, I'm not ready to let go of them. Until I am ready, what is the point? Maybe I just need to take a break before I can go any further.

Journal 2800 Continued...

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com/

I started a journal for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story, poetry, and artwork. Here is the cover and scanned pages from Jessieh Speaks, a seventeen year old sexual abuse survivor who is wise and gifted beyond her years.

~The cover of Journal 2800~

Jessieh's journal pages

The Curves Of A Woman

I want to recover from this eating disorder, but with recovery also comes the body of a woman, the curves of a woman, and that terrifies me. The other day I was walking out of Target when a pickup truck with a few men drove by. "Nice ass," one of them hollered out the window as I pushed my cart through the crosswalk. There is a certain safety that I feel when I'm underweight...an invisible feeling that somehow comforts me, and I don't have that anymore. Now I feel like the target of depraved men in trucks. This vulnerability is leading me to choose restriction rather than food more often than not, and I can see no way around my own ambivalence. I was no safer in the body of a child, so why do I do this to myself?

~Today is Angela Shelton Day~Report IT!

~Today is Angela Shelton Day~ Report IT!
We will all Report IT on the same day.

The Report IT Campaign is a nationwide state-to-state rally to report sexual violence and abuse on the same day! It was created to raise awareness on the vast under-reporting of sexual assault including rape, incest, and abuse.

~April 29, 2008~ hailed Angela Shelton Day.
People nationwide will show up at their local county courthouses on April 29th! Together we will break the silence and the cycle! You can fill out the online form anytime on or before April 29th.
This IS NOT an official police report!
Thank you for Reporting IT!
Share where you'll be Reporting IT on Upcoming Events!
Need to talk to someone?
Free, confidential - 800-656-HOPE
History of the Report IT campaign

In Angela Shelton’s award-winning documentary “Searching for Angela Shelton”, she surveyed women in the US with her same name. As she began interviewing other Angela Sheltons, she found that 70% had been victims of rape, childhood sexual assault and/or domestic violence.

Shelton’s latest endeavor is a book, Finding Angela Shelton, which is in stores now, through the Meredith Publishing Company. The book tells about how Angela was faced with her past, how she dealt with it and coped, and how she healed.

Sexual Healing

I just started reading a book called The Sexual Healing Journey; A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz. Our couples therapist recommended it awhile back, and I am just now feeling strong enough to delve into it, although there have been a few times when I have just had to put it down and cry. Right now I am reading a section about "learning to be in your body" which is something that I really struggle with. The author talks about how many survivors of sexual abuse cope with physical and emotional pain by "leaving" their bodies during the attack, tuning out body needs and disowning parts of their body as a way of surviving the abuse. This was something that I did while I was being raped, or anytime that I would experience flashbacks of the abuse, and at the time it definitely served a purpose. Unfortunately, this has become my automatic reaction to sexual intimacy, and as hard as I try to stay present, I am yet unable to do this. It is something that I want to change, but at the same time, it terrifies me to think about changing something that is a form of protection. Sadly, why do I need to protect myself my husband, someone that I know would never purposely hurt me?

One of the exercises for "learning to be in your body" is to look at yourself naked in a mirror, and I can tell you right now, that this one is going to be hard! The author says that "because of abuse, many survivors fail to get the message that your body belongs to you, and internalizing this concept is essential to sexual healing because it is a way of undoing the false, learned self-concept that you are a sexual object." It is part of reclaiming your body as your own, which I understand is important, and something that I want and need to learn how to do. I tend to look at myself in bits and pieces, failing to take in the whole picture. In a way, it is how I also remember the abuse. I see it in fragments, because to piece together the incident in all of it's ugly entirety is just too painful.

The 1000 Journals Project

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com
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I thought that this was such a wonderful idea, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. So many of us keep our abuse a secret, but there is such freedom in breaking the silence. I kept my secret for almost thirty years, until it began to eat away at my soul. What I could not say out loud, I was able to write. I wrote every detail and memory that I could think of, and then I gave it to my therapist to read. Eventually I was able to talk about what had happened to me, and the more that I could talk about it, the less power it had over my life.
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I started a journal for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story, poetry, and artwork. This will be an ongoing project, with the journal circulating throughout the country. There is such power in breaking the silence. If you would like to sign up to receive the journal, there are five spaces open at the moment. Go to http://1001journals.com and sign up for journal #2800.
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Healing From Sexual Abuse

Healing from Sexual Abuse by Dr. Sidney Langston

~The Process of Healing~
Healing for those who have been sexually abused is like a renovation process. All the old wounds need to be cleaned out and repaired. Truth must be faced, the sorrow embraced and grieved. Usually this cannot be done in isolation. It is best to talk it through with a trusted friend, pastor or professional therapist.
Abused individuals need to be gently led out of denial so that the truth of what happened to them can be faced. Acknowledging the truth is the initial step toward rescuing themselves from the bondage of powerlessness, betrayal, confusion and rejection.
When truth is faced they can learn to let go of dissociative behaviors which allow them to block the pain of abuse from their memories. Dissociation can be a useful survival tool because it allows victims to mentally escape to a safe place so they are not in touch with their pain. If they have developed multiple personalities, another dissociative defense against pain, these personalities, in time, can be integrated.
Abuse victims need to learn not to minimize or make excuses for the perpetrator or for parents or other adults who did not protect them. They don't help themselves or the offender by living in the darkness of denial. In the healing process, they need to come to the place where they can honestly say "Yes, I was abused and something was taken away from me that I can never get back." Giving living offenders a chance to face the damage they have done can be a great step of healing.
Abuse victims should never accept responsibility for the actions of their abusers. Neither should they feel a need to ask forgiveness for the emotions they might have felt during or after the abuse. Forgiving the offender, when emotionally and spiritually ready to do so, will enhance the healing process.
Another element of healing is for the victim to honestly look at ways they have tried to protect themselves from further harm. In order to manage their pain, most victims utilize dysfunctional ways to protect themselves. As understandable and natural as this is, it leads to more torment. These dysfunctional patterns of behavior need to be exchanged for more effective methods of coping.
Learning how and what to grieve is also necessary to the healing process. Facing pain and embracing sorrow with the expectation of finding comfort feels wrong. But it is the right way to deal with abuse. Victims need to grieve what has been taken from them. They need to let themselves feel their lost innocence. They need to mourn their lost childhood, their loss of trust, and their feelings of betrayal and rejection. Just as important, victims need to mourn the fact that they have hurt themselves, and perhaps others, by their dysfunctional protective actions. As they face their sorrow they can find comfort and healing as well as the strength to let the pain go and get on with their lives.
Victims need to take time to reflect on their spiritual needs and draw additional healing from that. Becoming well-informed about abuse and gaining insights about its dynamics enhances the healing process. It is helpful to keep a journal that records memories, feelings and events related to the past abuse and their struggles to deal with it. It helps to journal the steps taken toward healing, recovery and hope.
If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please take these steps of recovery in your own life. The journey to wholeness is painful and arduous, but not impossible. If you are willing to go through the healing process you will be amazed at the relief and freedom you will experience. Don't delay. You are worth it.

Reference Allender, Dan. (1982). When trust is lost, Healing for victims of sexual abuse
Grand Rapids, MI: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Three New Words

I'm uncomfortable today, and I physically feel huge. I have to tell myself that I am not in pain, and dig deep for the reason that I feel this way. Why is it so hard for me to see the obvious, and to mask what I feel with the words FAT, HUGE, DISGUSTING. Ugly words that I find so difficult to replace. Feeling unworthy is just a bad habit. I'm plagued by nightmares that invite me to remember the feelings of shame. I struggle with letting it go. Giving up ownership of the shame. Believing, truly believing that the rape wasn't my fault. Constantly reliving the assault on my body makes me want to take it out on my body. This is where my discomfort comes from today. I have to find new words to say to myself today, otherwise I will find myself restricting. That is what I want to do. To feel empty and clean. So I need to eat, even though that will be uncomfortable. Not painful, just uncomfortable. I will tell myself that it will pass, and I will be okay. Three new words to replace fat, huge, and disgusting. Why is that so hard?

Choose the Light

My name is Angela.

I was raped

by two men

when I was eleven years old.

It was brutal

and ugly and

I kept it hidden

from everyone

but myself

for twenty nine years.

I have finally found my voice.

I'm trying to use it!