Graceful Transitions

I thought I had given up blogging, but I do enjoy sending my thoughts out into the ether, out of my head, and yet still somewhere tangible. Life is change, and within the change, a tendency to resist for awhile, and for me at least, eventually a surrender. I can create as much chaos as I resist, but here I am, still participating in life. I stopped writing here during transition from my work with the autism population, and into a yoga therapy job in a behavioral health hospital, and teaching yoga full time, which still is my dream job. Last year the hospital I was working in closed, which was sudden, and a big disappointment. I wondered if I would be able to find enough work to still teach yoga full time, but I was able to find a job in another behavioral health hospital that is so close to my home, so it’s even better, and I still teach some corporate and studio classes, so I feel well rounded in my career. Covid messed with some of my income at first, but like most of the world, I was able to pivot to an online platform. It’s not my favorite way to teach, but I’m grateful to be able to stay connected with students, and continue my work. 

I still struggle with my mental health at times, the eating disorder is something that I live with daily, but I may always have to work to maintain recovery. I’ve come to accept that as my reality. After years of battling suicidal ideation, I haven’t had those thoughts in awhile, which feels amazing! I have ups and downs, but nothing severe, and all is manageable. Writing about my darkness is usually enough of a release to move through to the light. 

In the past year I was blessed with 3 granddaughters, so after all of the male energy I was surrounded with; being a mom to 4 sons, it has been so fun to watch my sons raising daughters, and finally getting to buy girl stuff! I hope that the world will be a safe place for them, and with our political climate, that is a huge concern. Much of my anxiety lately comes from the uncertain times we are in, and I know I’m not alone with those feelings. Transitions are part of the human experience, and so trying to gracefully manage them, or maybe simply giving myself grace when I falter. 

I will end on that note today, and may you as well find grace for yourself through the transitions of your life. 

Challenges

"This heavy heart is lightened and I sing."


I'm struggling to eat this week because I don't have much of an appetite. I don't always pay attention to my hunger cues, because for so long, I have ignored them. Empty is what feels normal and comfortable for me. It is also hard for me at work. I still find it difficult to eat in front of other people, so I just need to challenge myself more. I forgot my Boost and V8 Fusion drinks today, so I didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch. I'm sick of them though, so I'm going to make myself a sandwhich and take it to work for lunch tomorrow. Sitting down to eat it will be the challenge. I will let you know how it goes. My nutritionist has been pushing me to pack a lunch for work for a long time, so I will be excited to tell her that I finally did it.

Tomorrow is a therapy day. I'm supposed to try to take in my journal entry, but I honestly don't think that I will be able to yet. Every time I think about it, I almost start to cry. It is such a painful memory that I cannot even imagine telling anyone about it. The first time I told my therapist about the sexual abuse, I made her turn around so that she couldn't see me say all of those horrible things. I felt such shame and humiliation. These memories make me feel the same way. I hope that one day those feelings will go away. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I was only a little girl. Sometimes even looking at little girls is hard for me. They break my heart.

In between all of this though, is happiness. I'm feeling better about myself, and what I've accomlished so far. I'm doing hard work. I think that eventually I will be able to tell my therapist what is in my journal. I know that ultimately it will be freeing. I just have to gather the courage and strength. I know that I have it in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.