what I'm reading: honesty and accountability from You Can Change

Here's some really helpful words from Tim Chester about honesty, accountability, and how to respond when someone tells you about their sin. Pure gold!

I need people who regularly ask me about my walk with God, who readily challenge my behaviour, and know about my temptations. I need my friend Samuel, who often asks: 'What's the question you don't want me to ask you?'

There are some sins that thrive on secrecy. They include sins of escape: things we do when we're feeling under pressure, such as sexual fantasies, pornography, compulsive eating and addictions. They include sins of the mind: things such as bitterness, envy, jealousy and complaining. We can become very adept at hiding them. But hiding them feeds them. You feel bad about yourself, so you eat compulsively. You eat compulsively, so you feel bad about yourself...The fear of exposure means you withdraw from the Christian community or learn to pretend. But withdrawal and pretence cut you off from the help of the community.

One thing we've learned in our church is that change takes place only when these sins come out into the open. It's difficult, but confession to another Christian will be a big step forward. You don't need to tell everyone! But do tell someone.

What should you do if someone confesses their sin to you? Speak the truth in love. Don't tell them their sin is understandable or insignificant. That offers no comfort because it's a lie. But we can speak words of comfort because we can speak words of grace. Call them to repent of their sin and accept by faith the forgiveness that God offers....Embody that forgiveness in your ongoing acceptance and love...Explore, if you can, the lies and desires that lead to their sinful behaviour...Be proactive about offering accountability. That means asking the question! Ask them how they're getting on; ask them whether they've sinned again. Be specific: ask when, where, why, how often. Above all, point them to the grace and glory of Christ.

Tim Chester You Can Change 175-6 my emphases.

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Tim Chester on honesty

Honesty seems to be a frequent issue on this blog - something I wasn't expecting when I called it in all honesty, many moons ago!

I chose this name because I was convinced that we need more honesty in the church, reflected on the whys and wherefores of honesty in this interview, and was challenged by various blogging friends to think harder about when honesty helps and when it doesn't.

The issue hasn't gone away. I'm more aware now that honesty can be an excuse or a shield for sin (If I mention my sin first, maybe you won't! If you tell me you're as bad as me, we both feel better!). But I'm still convinced that honesty can be a helpful way to encourage others by showing how grace and growth in godliness work out in practice. I've become more convinced that one of the main ways God helps us to grow is by us confessing our sin to one another and speaking the truth in love into one another's lives.

So I was very excited to come across chapter 9 in Tim Chester's You Can Change about honesty and how it can help us to change. I won't say much about the chapter, as Nicole will be talking about it tomorrow (I think!) on 168hours, but I thought I'd publish some excerpts here. I especially love what Tim says about the pious vs. the messy church!

How our honesty can help others

One way that we can speak the truth into people's lives is by narrating how the truth has affected our own lives. This personalizes the truth and helps people see how it applies today. It's also a good way of speaking truth if we lack the confidence or the opening to do so in more direct ways. If, for example, someone is complaining about ill-health, we might say: 'Yes, sickness can be a real struggle. When I was in hospital last year I had to keep reminding myself that God is with us in our struggles and he uses our suffering for our good. I needed to trust God's fatherly care.'

How to respond when people are honest with us

People bring their deceitful desires to us and we stroke them. They say: 'My boss made me mad today.' And instead of asking whether their anger reflects thwarted or threatened sinful desires, we say: 'He sounds terrible; I'd have done the same.' People brings their moans to us, and we join in. People tell us what they covet and we extol its worth with them, in effect saying, 'Yes, this is an idol worth worshipping.' Instead, the truth we're to speak to one another is 'the truth that is in Jesus'. We're to remind one another of the greatness and goodness of God revealed in Jesus. ...

What should you do if someone confesses their sin to you? Speak the truth in love. Don't tell them their sin is understandable or insignificant. That offers no comfort because it's a lie. But we can speak words of comfort because we can speak words of grace. Call them to repent of their sin and accept by faith the forgiveness that God offers. 'You are guilty, but Christ has born your guilt. You deserve God's judgement, but Christ has borne your judgement.' This is true comfort. Embody that forgiveness in your ongoing acceptance and love. But accept people with Gods' agenda for change. Explore, if you can, the lies and desires that lead to their sinful behaviour. Together you may be able to discern the truth they need to turn to and the idolatrous desires they need to turn from. Be proactive about offering accountability. That means asking the question! Ask them how they're getting on; ask them whether they've sinned again. Be specific: ask when, where, why, how often. Above all, point them to the grace and glory of Christ.

How to encourage honesty

Part of our problem is that we don't rebuke one another day by day. It means that, when we do, it creates or exacerbates a sense of crisis. Rebuke becomes confrontation. That may be needed in some situations, but often it can be avoided is rebuke has become a normal part of the way we disciple one another. I need people who regularly ask me about my walk with God, who readily challenge my behaviour, and know about my temptations. I need my friend Samuel, who often asks: 'What's the question you don't want me to ask you?'

Why honest confession is important

There are some sins that thrive on secrecy. They include sins of escape: things we do when we're feeling under pressure, such as sexual fantasies, pornography, compulsive eating and addictions. They include sins of the mind: things such as bitterness, envy, jealousy and complaining. We can become very adept at hiding them. But hiding them feeds them. You feel bad about yourself, so you eat compulsively. You eat compulsively, so you feel bad about yourself. You feel unable to dope with life so you become a hero in computer games. But your addiction makes the real world seem even harder. The fear of exposure means you withdraw from the Christian community or learn to pretend. But withdrawal and pretence cut you off from the help of the community.

One thing we've learnt in our church is that change takes place only when these sins come out into the open. It's difficult, but confession to another Christian will be a big step forward. You don't need to tell everyone! But do tell someone.

The pious vs the messy (honest!) church

"The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We are not allowed to be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer Life Together)

We can be communities of repentance only if we're communities of grace. And this means being honest, open and transparent about our struggles. We see one another as we really are and accept one another just as Christ accepted us. We model grace in our welcome of sinners, just as Jesus did. It means I don't pose as a good person. Instead, I portray myself as I truly am: a sinner who constantly receives grace from Christ. It means we rejoice to be a messy community of broken people.

(At this point Tim Chester quotes from his blog post A messy church or a pretending church. It's well worth a read, including the comments!)

Emphases are mine.

P.S I know I promised you something about the resurrection. But I told Nic I'd post this today! So you'll have to wait till tomorrow ...

Cathy McKay speaks about honesty

I said I'd spoken my last words on honesty - well, actually, I cheated and used Tracey's words instead - and so I have, until next time. But I just had to link to this wise and challenging post on women encouraging each other one-on-one by Cathy McKay at the ever excellent The Best Book Co-op.

Cathy talks about how to confess sin to one another in the context of a relationship of mutual encouragement, how to respond when your Christian sister confesses sin to you, and how to pray about your sin together. I found her suggestions about how to be careful in our honesty, and how to respond to honesty, particularly helpful.

a final word on honesty

Tracey wrote to me with a wonderful comment about honesty which I think sums up really well the discussion we've all been having on this blog and Simone's. No more needs to be said (not by me, anyway!). With her kind permission, here it is:

I agree that this is a tricky issue and I think is a matter of motivation and ultimately our focus.

I can think of a time recently when I was chatting to a friend after the loss of someone very dear to me. I shared that I was struggling to pray and read my Bible because I was angry with God. She shared that she too has had times when she has struggled in this way but she didn't leave it there. She went on to remind me of God's love and trustworthiness and told me that I needed to get back to talking to Him however hard that might be. So her motivation in sharing came from a desire to empathise and support me but also to challenge me. Her focus was Christ-centered.

In contrast, I can remember a time years ago when I was struggling with an area of sin and someone close to me acknowledged the same struggle but looking back the focus was on ourselves as we kind of just admitted it was just hard and 'all' Christians struggle. There was no motivation to getting our focus and obedience back to our loving Heavenly Father. Our motivation in sharing was maybe even to let each other off the hook!

I think, as Christians it is important we share our weaknesses as it is there that we most understand the glory of God. It is there that we are saved from pride or competitiveness. It is there that we learn a dependence on our Father God.

However, let's be sure that our motives are for one another's 'spiritual' good. Let's always be seeking to point one another back to Christ, his truth and his desires for our lives 'in Him'.

Amen.

an example of helpful honesty

I was pondering this morning whether honesty from an older Christian about their sin is ever helpful, when I read the following passage from John Piper's A Godward Life during my morning quiet time. I found it profoundly helpful. See what you think:

Self-pity in suffering is the taste left after your sacrifice goes unadmired. There are two ways to get rid of it. One is to make sure you get admiration. The other is to make no sacrifices. Or could there be a third way? Like seeing the sacrifice in a new way?

Take being a pastor, for example. Are there sacrifices? Is there any suffering? Well, that depends. Let me tell you a story that has punched (for a season, at least) the air out of my self-pity ...

[He tells the story of Irving Hetherington, a missionary to Australia in the the mid 19th century, and the stresses he faced compared to the difficulties he used to complain about as a minister in Scotland.]

What this powerful story did for me was to put the pressures of my ministry into missionary - and biblical - perspective. How easy it is to begin to assume that I should be comfortable. How quickly I can start to expect an easy and hassle-free ministry.

But I tell missionaries just the opposite. Life is war. Life is stress: the language-learning is stress; the culture is stress; the food is stress; the kids' education is stress; relationships are stress. Get ready for incarnation and crucifixion.

Yet here in American, where everybody speaks English and eats pizza, I bellyache over an extra meeting, an ill-timed hospital call, and too many choices. Then I read of Irving Hetherington, and I think of "normal" missionary life. I see my "sacrifices" in a new way. [He quotes Mark 10:29-30.]

Before the words of Jesus and the example of Irving Hetherington, my self-pity goes up the chimney. And in its place? A passion to have the mind of Christ. "The Son of man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. ... It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Matthew 20:28; Acts 20:35, RSV). (pp. 112-113, my emphasis)

Piper could have left out the bit in bold. But I'm glad he left it in. It drove his point into my heart, leading me to repentance, because I saw myself all too familiarly in the specific examples he gave of his own sin. I think this is a good example of how honesty from an older Christian can help - as long as they lead you by the hand to Jesus.

online meanderings: honesty

Is Archie (HT Honoria) right? Does the devil love secrecy?

Is Simone right? Does honesty normalise sin? She says

I'm thinking increasingly that it's unhelpful to talk about some sins. If I confess that I am struggling with, say, hateful thoughts, and everyone else in my bible study group says 'yeah, me too', I stop thinking that hate is such a dreadful thing. It's been normalised. Unless there is a very godly woman in my group who will take us to a passage and show us that murderers etc will not inherit the kingdom and then ask us all to repent and bring the gospel to us, nothing good has been gained.

Challenged by their posts, I wrote a couple of my own, and decided that it all depends on whether our honesty is loving and helpful, and shelved the issue in the back of my mind.

Until last Wednesday, when I read this paragraph by Paul:

You're sitting in church feeling a little more nervous than normal. If you had known that the sermon was going to be about that, you might have decided to stay in bed this morning. But there it is, front and centre on the service outline. What should you do? Thinking at a speed that would normally startle you, you hit upon the perfect strategy: talk to others about ‘it’ before they talk to you. If you start the conversation and talk about how you struggle with ‘it’ before they raise the topic, you're home free! People will think you're godly and open, and you'll be able to walk away feeling good about yourself without having to change a thing. The best defence is a good offence.

It was one of those times God uses what another Christian writes to perform open heart surgery on me.

I've often wondered why I'm so ready to share my sins and failings. I understand that honesty can be a great starting point for encouragement, and that's ok, but why do I enjoy it? I'm not talking about this blog. I'm talking about conversations like those with other mums, where among all the laughter, there are terrible admissions: "I said ... to my son the other day! Can you believe that?"

Thanks to Paul's post, I understand better my unhelpful motivations for talking about my sin. I'm hoping that if I get in first, and admit how terrible my sin can be, others won't challenge me. I hope that they'll be so busy admiring my honesty, they won't think to judge me. Perhaps they'll even share some sins of their own, so I can feel better about mine. Honesty can be a useful smokescreen to hide my need to stay in control. It looks vulnerable, but it stops me ever being really vulnerable to criticism or change.

So how can I decide when to be honest? I found Paul's suggestions really helpful (I've taken them from this discussion):

I need to ask two questions (1) Am I doing this for myself or the other? - if the answer is myself, then now isn’t the time to disclose (even if it would be genuinely helpful) - for myself includes things like my desire to get it off my chest and feel better about it, my desire to impress others by my humility, and even my desire to get people listening to my preaching because a personal story always gets people’s attention (we are so sinful aren’t we?!). (2) Will this genuinely benefit others in the congregation? (we don’t always get this right, but it is the right question to ask).

I've been reminded, once again, that honesty isn't an end, but a beginning.

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on honesty (2) 7 ways honesty can be helpful

When is honesty helpful? Here's a few ideas:

1. When it undercuts pride and hypocrisy. Some of us don't talk about our sin enough, as a self-protective strategy. We may need to learn to share our struggles with others.
   
   
2. When it is a request for counsel or prayer from a wise, trustworthy Christian. We won't get far in the Christian life without the help of other Christians to encourage and pray for us. "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (Jam. 5:16).
   
   
3. When it comes in the context of teaching and encouraging others, during a talk, small group or one-to-one. For example, if we're discipling someone who struggles with sexual temptation, it can be helpful to share our own temptations (in a non-salacious way) and how God has helped us overcome them.
   
   
4. When it glorifies God's grace. Speaking of our sin and weakness can shine a spotlight onto God's grace and power. "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses" (2 Cor. 12:9, see ch. 10-12).
   
   
5. When it brings comfort to those who feel alone. Knowing that someone else suffers from depression or anxiety, or finds it hard to pray, can take away the loneliness of suffering and sin. Of course, on its own this is not enough: we need to lead them to the One who comforts and helps.
   
   
6. When it helps others to open up about their struggles so we can teach, encourage and pray for them. Our honesty helps others to be honest, which can be very valuable if it gives us an opportunity to minister to them. But we mustn't manipulate people into being vulnerable. An invitation to honesty should always be in the context of a loving relationship.
   
   
7. When it helps theology become real and winsome. If I tell you that God is sovereign over suffering, it's an interesting - and maybe offensive - idea. If I share how God's sovereignty has comforted me in my own sorrow, it becomes real to you, and you're less likely to reject it without thought. My experience gives God's truth wings into your heart.

Honesty is not an end in itself. It's a stepping stone to encouragement, an invitation to prayer, and a celebration of God's grace.

I've realised that I sometimes get stuck at honesty in my relationships. It's time for the next step.

To talk not only about how difficult I sometimes find my children's behaviour, but also how I try to discipline my kids consistently and fairly. To speak not only of my prayerlessness, but also of how God is teaching me to pray. To share my sorrow and anxiety, but also the way God meets me in my deepest needs.

Honesty is not an end, it's a beginning.

on honesty (1) is honesty all it's cracked up to be?

Is honesty always helpful?

You'll know by now that I value honesty (my blog's title might be a giveaway). Early on, I explained why I think honesty is important. One of my aims for my blog is to be honest about my sins and sorrows, in order to encourage you when you struggle, and to show God's grace in my weakness.

So Simone's comments about honesty and Honoria and Simone's discussion challenged my thinking (thanks, girls!).

Women, particularly, use honesty to sympathise, comfort and feel better about themselves. Most women (and men?) will be familiar with conversations like this one:

I shouted at my son today! Aren't I terrible?
Me too! I said ... !
Oh, you should have seen me the other day!
I feel so much better now that I know you lose your temper too.

After a conversation like that, I feel better because I know others are as bad as I am. And I feel affirmed because you've heard the worst about me and haven't rejected me.

But this is not where the Bible directs us for comfort. We're not comforted because we're no worse than others, or because they accept us. In comparison with God's perfect standards, we are black as black. We're comforted because we're forgiven sinners who are deeply loved by God.

Is honesty a Christian virtue? No, of course not (unless you mean the negative virtue of not lying or stealing). Honesty is a neutral quality. On the one hand, it can be an excuse for gossip, slander, or complaining, or a vehicle for bitter, angry, or careless words. On the other hand, it can be a starting point for encouragement.

When we practise honesty, we need to ask ourselves:

• What is my motivation?
• Is it appropriate?
• Is it loving?
• Is it helpful?

Is honesty helpful? Tomorrow I'd like to share 7 ways honesty helps.

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interview about blogging (2) on honesty

How did I choose the name "in all honesty?" I went to bed last October thinking about a name for my new blog, and woke up with the words "in all honesty" echoing around my brain! Nothing like sleep to inspire the mind.

But people are constantly fascinated by honesty. So here's the Q & A about this topic from the interview about blogging I did recently.

Your blog is called “in all honesty” and from reading it regularly I can say that it is exceptionally honest. What was the catalyst for committing to this angle for your bog?

I have never had a problem with honesty. I’m sure there must be some darker motives behind my honesty, like a quest for affirmation. But honesty has always been one of the ways I encourage people, whether I’m meeting one-on-one or leading a seminar. You can’t expect people to open up to you if you’re not open with them.

And it’s just so important that Christians learn to be honest with one another, otherwise we will spend our whole lives thinking no-one else struggles, or doubts, or fears like we do. Honesty undercuts hypocrisy, which we are very good at: we argue in the car on the way to church, then sit there like the perfect couple or family, while everyone wonders why everyone else’s relationships are better than theirs.

But the main reason for honesty is that Christianity is all about grace. I want to be honest about my sin and struggles, so I can show God’s strength in my weakness, and the forgiveness and hope God has given me, which are available to everyone through Christ.

Do you ever feel vulnerable blogging about personal issues and ones that impact on your husband and children?

Absolutely! Although I have learnt to be very, very careful when posting things about other people. I don’t mention people’s names any more without asking them first; I get my husband to read anything about him before I post it; and I don’t post stories about my kids if I think they would be embarrassed to read them when they’re older.

As for my own honesty – well, that’s up to me – but I have found that vulnerability comes at a high price. It can leave me feeling very, very scared and alone, very fearful of what people will think of me. For a while, coping with all these new feelings made me quite depressed. But I am learning when and how to be vulnerable, and it affects me less with time. And if this is part of the cost of encouraging people, I am prepared to pay that price – it’s easier for me than it would be for someone who’s naturally more reserved.

What topics won’t you blog about?

That’s a tough one. Certainly nothing that may prove embarrassing to others: not everyone wants their private thoughts and feelings splattered across the internet. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. Nothing clearly marked “private,” and I’ll leave private exactly what lies behind that door!

Look for the rest of the interview in the May issue of RedWhiteYou. Susan interviewed my bloggy friend Nicole from 168 hours as well, so you'll find her answers there too!

in all honesty?

Dear bloggees,

I've been thinking about what honesty does and doesn't mean (Is it appropriate to blog about ... ? Do I really want to write about ... ? Do you want to read about ... again? - you get the idea!) so I thought it might be time to explain what I mean by "in all honesty".

Honesty should not be taken to include:

a) slanderous or whining remarks about other people, even if I think them;
b) insteresting gossip about other people, although I enjoy gossip as much as the next person;
c) any information which I am legally forbidden from sharing with you (this is more relevant than you may think, I'm giving evidence in a committal hearing soon, if I told you more I would have to kill you);
d) information of such tedium, insignificance and occasional grossness that you wouldn't want to hear it anyway (I'm picking my nose. I'm scratching my bottom. That kind of thing. For such information see my facebook profile.);
d) yet more, repeat more, examples of things I have told you about many times previously (e.g. Today I got cross with my children. Today I got cross with my children. Today I... Silence on such topics should not be taken to imply that our family has now reached perfection.);
f) revelations of major sins which may prove embarrassing to me or you, or break the confidence of others (sorry about that, my self-disclosure agreement only goes so far, just don't imagine I'm nearly as godly as may be suggested by the relatively minor sins I agonise about in my blog);
g) lots of things, really, I just can't think of them all right now.

Humourous comments should not be taken as an expression of honesty (in point c above, I won't really kill you, this is an example of humour, not honesty). And while I will honestly tell you what I think to be the facts, factual claims may be shown to be innacurate. Also, while I will honestly share my views on God, the universe and everything, all I say should be checked against the Bible.

I do promise to try not to lie to you. Not consciously, anyway (can you subconsciously try not to lie?) But I don't promise not to occasionally and insignificantly distort the facts, in favour of humour, succinctness, good writing, sweeping generalisations, or when making a particularly good point. Like this one.

In all honesty,

from your friendly neighbourhood spiderm...I mean blogger.

P.S. I also don't promise to be honest about my super hero double life. Except to say that my alter ego is beautiful, charming, witty, intelligent, and spends far too much time hanging around libraries.

honestly, Jean

A wise man (Peter Adam, principal of Ridley Theological College, not the Dalai Lama) once told me that he often looked at his 300 strong congregation at St. Judes, Carlton, and reflected that every married couple in the congregation was thinking exactly the same thing: that every other married couple in the congregation was happier/less argumentative/more godly/better looking than them (well, actually he didn't say better looking, I made that part up).

And isn't that how it works? We have a heated argument in the car on the way to church, but when we get there, we sit outwardly serene and smiling, presenting a united and apparently loving front to the people around us. Or we lead a Bible study on the importance of daily prayer, while failing to mention the fact that we have been struggling with depression, and have found it hard to pray at all during the last 3 months.

Meanwhile, we wonder whether our marriages are going to make it, or whether we are going to make it, since every one else seems to have it so much more together than we do.

It's terribly discouraging to think that you're the only one who struggles with certain feelings, or gives in to certain temptations. How many of us have thought "I can't really be a Christian. I do..."? But what do we really have to hide from each other? We all struggle, sorrow, and fail. We are all broken people in need of God's comfort. We are all sinners in need of God's grace.

Which is a long-winded way of explaining why I have called my blog "in all honesty". I want to be honest about how tough it can get, and how sinful I can be, my readers (all 2 of you, and I know you pretty well, so it shouldn't be that hard...)