Scenes from un film de Earl J. Woods

INT. HIDEOUT, NIGHT. MARK, SVEN, LIEPOLD and GREGOR are planning a robbery. SVEN has brought their masks.

SVEN: I've brought our masks. Try them on!

MARK: Good work, Sven. With these masks, no one will know who we are. We'll get away clean.

The men put on the masks. There is a BEAT as they regard each other. SVEN has decorated each mask with a painterly, very accurate representation of each of the men. 

MARK: Sven...Sven, why did you paint our faces on the masks?

SVEN: I thought it would look nice.

MARK: You fool! You've entirely defeated the sole purpose of the masks!

GREGOR (timidly): I have an idea.

MARK: What?

GREGOR: Well...what if we switched masks? So that we were wearing each other's faces?

MARK holds his hands over his masked face.

FADE TO

INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM. A mother sobs as she gives birth. Nurses look on in awe as the doctor lifts the crying baby, holding him upside-down.

INFANT: At last - I'm free!

FADE TO

EXT. CATTLE FARM, MIDDDAY. A YOUNG MOTHER and her SON are walking together near some cows; the boy points to a large pink cube lying on the grass.

SON: What's that?

MOTHER: It's a salt lick?

SON: A salt lick? What's that?

MOTHER: It's for the cows. They lick it.

The boy immediately kneels and takes a long lick.

MOTHER: Don't lick it!

SON: Ewwww! It's so salty!

SMASH CUT TO

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE, the high steel, where WORKERS are assembling the frame of a new skyscraper.

WORKER: Where did I put that bucket of bolts?

WORKER 2: Look out below!

The bucket of bolts has been accidentally kicked off a beam. It seems to float gently down to earth, until crashing into the centre of an ice cream vendor's cart. Bolts and Popsicles fly like shrapnel; a Fudgsicle flies right into the mouth of a screaming bystander. A bolt plugs itself into the navel of a burly shirtless man. 

WITNESS: (pointing at the man who has a Fudgsicle crammed into his mouth): Ice cream!

BOLT-WOUNDED BYSTANDER: I...scream!

(he screams)

The Hidden Film

For many years I've thought it would be immensely cool if some gifted filmmaker or team of filmmakers set out to make a film that spanned multiple decades and genres. The film would be told in short scenes embedded in other movies, background scenes that fit the genre of the film in which they appear but could be seen, in isolation, as mere background action.

The screenplay for the film-within-many-films would be a great secret, handed down from one generation of filmmakers to the next, all sworn to secrecy, hiding the hidden scenes from producers, actors, other screenwriters. The action would be spaced across 100 films and 100 years, until in the final hundredth film the climax of the 99-episode tale plays out, an epic saga of time and space and drama that somehow seamlessly melds the best of all possible genres.

Who knows? Perhaps the film is nearing completion as we speak, or maybe it's just begin. I only wish I were the genius who set the plan in motion, who wrote the ultimate screenplay. 

Act Three, Scene Two: The Dinner Party

(fragment of a future screenplay by Earl J. Woods, posted accidentally to his past and our present)

and that's why Karapleedees took the -

KLAUT: I'm going to give you a knuckle sandwich - with extra ketchup!

True to his word, KLAUT punches OBSEEQ in the mouth, bloodying his teeth. A brawl immediately breaks out in the dining hall. Guests throw punches, kicks and food.

MANDRE is the only diner who attempts to stay out of the fray, completely focussed on devouring his turkey stuffing. But SHEEZ grabs MANDRE by the hair, lifts him painfully to his feet, and punches him in the stomach.

SHEEZ: I'll beat the stuffing out of you!

SHEEZ does so - literally. MANDRE is unable to hold the contents of his stomach in place, regurgitating the stuffing.

SHEEZ: So! Not such a stuffed shirt anymore, eh Mandre? Ha ha ha!

MANDRE slumps into unconsciousness. KLAUT appears and takes a defensive position back-to-back with SHEEZ.

KLAUT: This only happens because we're too lazy to cook at home!

At that moment, KITCHEN ROBOT DISHWASHER CHEF bursts into the dining room, firing cutlery from its torso-mounted washer. Several guests are shot with forks, plates, teacups, butter knives, spoons etc.

SHEEZ: Time to get the fork out of here!

KLAUT: Sorry to dine and dash!

SHEEZ and KLAUT dive through the dining room window and into the street as the restaurant explodes behind them. SHEEZ and KLAUT surf the shock wave in glorious slow motion, propelled into the back of a passing garbage truck. FADE TO BLACK as they ride to safety.

 III. INT. CHINESE LAUNDOMAT - LATE EVENING

YURO SHIFTYGRIPPO is plunking quarters int

Script Fragment

While on the road yesterday, Sylvia and I felt the call of nature. I sped up a little in search of relief. It occurred to me that if a police officer pulled us over for speeding, the conversation might go like this:

"Sir, you're 15 kph over the limit."

"I know, I'm so sorry. My wife and I really need to pee..."

"Sir, what's worse; peeing your pants or killing yourselves in a car crash?"

"You're right, of course. You'd be dead and you'd probably pee and poo yourself anyway."
Sent from my iPhone

If They Made Movies Just for Me...

...there would be an action movie in which the hero/ine and his/her sidekick would be infiltrating a secret base disguised as a jam factory. They'd be creeping along a catwalk above a vat of strawberry jam, but then the catwalk would collapse, dumping them into the vat. The protagonists would be thoroughly stuck in the thick red goo, and the sidekick would cry

"How do we get out of this jam?"

But they don't make movies just for me. Well, except for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

Earl and Sean vs. the Flying Saucers, Part II

Click here to read part one!

As the sleek sedan containing EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA approaches the X-74 installation, smoke rises from the ruins of the ravaged base. Aliens brandishing weapons can be seen mercilessly gunning down the hapless survivors. Inside the car, our heroes debate their options:

SEAN: The butchers are ray gunning down those men!

SYLVIA guns the engine and the car lurches forward, bearing down on the alien invaders.

EARL: Are you crazy? You're heading right into their line of fire!

SYLVIA: Welcome to Earth, space bastards!

The sedan crashes into a group of surprised aliens, sending them flying like tenpins. But crafty MOONTOR, taking cover behind some rubble, blasts a ray-beam into the car's rear tire, making it spin out of control and roll onto its top!

Inside the sedan, EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA hang upside-down, stunned but alive.

EARL: That was some maneuver, lady. Now we're sitting ducks!

SEAN: Upside-down sitting ducks at that!

SYLVIA: Unfasten your seat belts, boys - it's going to be a bumpy night!

The three heroes unfasten their seat belts and tumble to the roof of the car. They scramble out just in time to stand face-to-face with MOONTOR, VOLUPTUA and the other aliens, ray pistols, ray rifles and ray bazookas steadily trained upon them.

EARL: Uh-oh.

VOLUPTUA: Uh-oh indeed, foolish Earthling! Now you'll pay the price for using your primitive Earth conveyance to kill my valiant soldiers!

MOONTOR: Blast them to atoms, my faithful Moon men!

VOLUPTUA slaps MOONTOR across the face.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Do not presume to anticipate my orders! Take them into custody and place them in the restraining room!

MOONTOR, face burning, begins to say something, but instead nods to his men, who use glowing handcuffs to ensnare the earth people. EARL, SEAN and SYLVIA are marched up the loading ramp of the nearest flying saucer, the ruins of the base still smoking.

EARL (sotto voce): They can't have found the X-74. Otherwise, they'd just vaporize us. They must think that we can lead them to it.

SEAN (sotto voce): How? It has to be back there in that smouldering wreck somewhere. They'd be better off asking a Venusian bloodhound or whatever beast passes for a good hunting dog on their crazy world.

SYLVIA: He's right. It doesn't make sense.

A moon guard jabs SYLVIA in the back with her rifle.

MOON GUARD: Silence! No talking!

EARL (sotto voce): Shh. I have a feeling that Queen Personality back there might know who I work for. She must figure that since she can't find the X-74, it must be in a different location. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it's simply been destroyed in the wreckage - she just can't bring herself to admit failure.

The heroes are led into the depths of the ship and placed in a spartan cell - seemingly without bars. But then, one of the moon guards flips a switch on the wall and beams of light, much like prison bars, crisscross the front of the cell.

SEAN: Holy space prison!

The moon guards walk away, leaving the Earth people alone.

EARL: As I was saying, it's almost certain that the X-74 went up in smoke with that base and all the people in it.

SEAN: Looks like it's down to plain old fisticuffs and cunning. But first, we've gotta get out of this cell.

SYLVIA: I have an idea about that. Look, they didn't confiscate my purse...or my compact.

EARL: Your makeup looks fine.

SYLVIA shoots EARL a withering look.

SYLVIA: The mirror, dummy. Watch.

Carefully, Sylvia opens her compact and slides it into the path of one of the ghostly force-beams. The mirror reflects the beam and sparks erupt from the walls, the light-gate system shorting out. Our heroes cough, sputter and wave the smoke out of their faces as they leap from the cell.

SEAN: It worked! And now it's time to bust out the NAES.

SEAN puts four large, heavy rings on his left fist, each ring emblazoned with a backwards letter of his name: N-A-E-S. He holds them right up to the camera so that they fill the movie screen.

SYLVIA: What the...?

EARL: Don't ask. But he could be right - as much as I hate violence, this situation seems to call for it.

Suddenly, a gaggle of MOON GUARDS appear from around the corner of the curving corridor.

MOON GUARD: The prisoners! They've escaped! Seize them!

SEAN: Seize THIS!

SEAN punches the lead guard in the forehead with his ringed fist, leaving the word "SEAN" in all caps imprinted on the moon man's bloodied forehead. The moon man collapses, eyelids fluttering closed as he loses consciousness.

SECOND MOON GUARD: He's branded Bluthwap! Use your ray beams!

SYLVIA karate-chops the ray pistol from the second moon guard, while EARL three-stooges the eyes of a third. SEAN belts the remaining guard in the mouth with his NAES fist.

SEAN: Looks like it's lunchtime for you, pal! A knuckle sandwich - with extra ketchup!

EARL points to the hatch of the flying saucer - a hatch that is quickly closing, as if the ship is preparing for liftoff.

EARL: The hatch! It's closing!

SYLVIA: We'll be in for an out-of-this world vacation if we don't get out of here!

They run for the hatch, but it closes just as they reach it, trapping them inside.

EARL: Trapped!

A low-pitched hum begins and quickly transforms into a high-pitched whine as the deck starts to vibrate.

SEAN: We're lifting off!

An exterior special effects shot shows the flying saucer rapidly lifting away from the demolished base. Several alien foot soldiers wave goodbye, including VOLUPTUA and MOONTOR.

MOONTOR: Do you think they took the bait?

VOLUPTUA: Of course. By now, they'll have escaped their cell and are probably planning to take over the saucer. A couple of carefully arranged obstacles will convince them that they've seized a highly advanced space weapon for their military. But once they fly it to their capital...

MOONTOR and VOLUPTUA look at each other knowingly.

FADE TO BLACK...

Click here to read part one!

Earl and Sean vs. the Flying Saucers

Boldly by day they came, the saucer-slayers in their sinister ships of silvery steel!

They ravaged the countryside, burned the cities with deadly beams of unstoppable terror!

Greatest weapons of super-science helpless before the awesome might of the menace from beyond!

First there was...

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Then there was...

EARL VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

And now, the greatest shock-spectacle of the silver screen!

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

*********

SCENE ONE. A hot summer day in southern Manitoba. EARL and SEAN are visiting the abandoned farm of their grandparents.

SEAN: It sure is neat to see this place at last.

EARL: Yes, these decaying buildings are a solemn reminder of the fact that one day, death comes to claim us all!

SEAN: Boy, you're gloomy today! Try to enjoy the heat of the sun on your face, the smell of grain, and the memories of a simpler time.

EARL (chuckling): Perhaps you're right. It's just that all this secretive talk about the X-74 project is starting to wear on my nerves.

SEAN: X-74, eh? Isn't that the secret plan to set up a defence against the so-called green men from outer space you government types are so concerned about?

EARL: Apparently it's not so secret as we would have liked! Yes, X-74 involves the fused transmission of microwaves, interspliced into a beam lattice that -

(a low humming can be heard from offscreen)

SEAN: Hold it - what's that?

EARL: I don't hear anything - wait. It's coming from over there.

SUDDENLY, three flying saucers zoom over the farm, shooting ray-beams into the barn and surrounding buildings, which EXPLODE INTO FLAMES!

SEAN: Run!

EARL and SEAN run from the flying saucers. The flying saucers pursue, shooting deadly ray beams at the brothers, which narrowly miss the men, setting the grass on fire!

EARL: The farmhouse basement! It's our only chance!

EARL and SEAN leap into the front door of the farmhouse and down the stairs into the cellar. The flying saucers fire their beams into the house, which EXPLODES in fury!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL OPENING CREDITS

OKR RODEO PICTURES PRESENTS

AN ORVILLE Q. BLISTERSON FILM

EARL AND SEAN VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

FILMED IN SCARE-O-SCOPE

STARRING

EARL J. WOODS
SEAN E. WOODS
HOMER BALTHAZAR SHAMBLY
SYLVIA F. BOUCHER
COUNT VLADIMIR R. RAZANKOFF III
SHAKIRA NINA FLORES
ABIGAIL ROSS

AND INTRODUCING

V O L U P T U A

AS HERSELF

**********

SMOKE BILLOWS FROM THE DESTROYED FARMHOUSE. BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF BEATS, HANDS EMERGE FROM THE WRECKAGE, AND TWO BODIES EMERGE, COVERED IN SOOT: EARL AND SEAN.

SEAN: That was close!

EARL: We've got to warn headquarters! But my televisor screen was damaged in the blast!

SEAN: If I knew about X-74, it's a cinch those moon men know about it, too! And they're on their way to destroy it before it becomes a threat to their empire!

EARL: Right!

CUT TO THE INTERIOR OF THE LEAD FLYING SAUCER. VOLUPTUA AND HER SECOND IN COMMAND, MOONTOR, ARE OBSERVING THE MAIN VIEWSCREEN OF THEIR CONTROL SAUCER, LOOKING OUT AT THE DEVESTATION BELOW THEM.

MOONTOR: With those fools Earl and Sean out of the way, our conquest of this pathetic planet is all but assured!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR VIOLENTLY.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such brazen overconfidence has no place aboard my royal flagship!

MOONTOR COWERS.

MOONTOR: A thousand pardons, my mistress!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR AGAIN.

VOLUPTUA: Fool! Such simpering obsequiousness hs no place aboard my royal flagship!

A BEAT AS MOONTOR TRIES TO FORMULATE A RESPONSE. FORTUNATELY, VOLUPTUA'S ATTENTION IS DISTRACTED BY A FLASHING ALERT-BEEPER ABOVE THE VIEWSCREEN.

VOLUPTUA: Silence! The so-called "secret" bunker that houses X-74 lies just ahead! FIRE THE DESTRUCTOR RAYS!

A CREWMAN PRESSES THE APPROPRIATE BUTTON. A FLASH OF LIGHT FLARES ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE SAUCER, THEN TRANSFORMS INTO A COHERENT BEAM OF DEADLY ENERGY, WHICH LASHES OUT TO VAPORIZE THE BUNKER.

MOONTOR: You've done it, O mighty one!

VOLUPTUA SLAPS MOONTOR.

VOLUPTA: Fool! I don't need yes-men to point out the obvious! Send down a landing party to survey the wreckage! Ensure that the X-74 is destroyed! And kill all survivors!

MOONTOR: Yes, O heavenly one!

*******

EARL AND SEAN FLAG DOWN A PASSING SEDAN, DRIVEN BY A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN. THEY ENTER THE CAR.

SYLVIA (TO EARL): Where to, handsome?

EARL (sternly): No time for flirting, honey! We need to get to the abandoned airfield at Virden, and fast!

SYLVIA: Oh, you mean the abandoned airfield that's really a secret research laboratory?

SEAN: She's got you there, brother.

EARL (nonplussed): Uh - yes! But make it fast, doll - there's no time to lose!

THE CAR SCREECHES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, HEADING FOR THE LAB.

...to be continued..?

Another Unfinished Masterpiece: Pipe Maniac

Many years ago, Jeff and Susan and I started work on Pipe Maniac, the sequel to Toilet Chase. (We envisioned a trilogy; the third film would have been called Flush Point.)

Here's the unfinished screenplay:

PIPE MANIAC
THE SCRIPT
A SCREENPLAY BY

Earl J. Woods

and

Jeff J. Shyluk

with

Susan K. Neumann

based on characters created by
Ron Briscoe,
Earl J. Woods,
Susan K. Neumann,
and Jeff J. Shyluk

TEASER

FADE IN: the Bleak House of Blahs, scene of the terrible events of TOILET CHASE. It is a beautiful summer's day.

VOICE-OVER: IN THE BEGINNING, man sought to conquer the elements. Earth, Air, Fire, Water--human hubris demanded that all of these mighty forces be bent to his every whim. And thus civilization advanced, and lo, indoor plumbing was invented. But with these bold new advances, there came dangerous precedents. Nature, her patience strained to the breaking point, snapped--and went wack-o!

CUT TO low-angle shot of a toilet; cue ominous music, strobe lights, etc. Many quick cuts of scenes that allude to events in TOILET CHASE: plunger thrusting into toilet, man stepping on rake, spoonful of beans being forked into mouth, etc. V.O. continues.

VOICE-OVER: Enter: technology. Man's foolhardy attempt to harness the deranged power of a planet he no longer controls. Technology, warped, twisted, turned against him, the foundation of the classic conflicts: Man vs. Man; Man vs. Nature; Man vs. Toilet. This is the cautionary tale of mortals who dared to steal fire from Prometheus--

SECOND VOICE-OVER: But it was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods!

CUT TO: SHOT OF PROMETHEUS LYING PRONE, IN A POOL OF BLOOD. HE'S GOT A BURNING STICK IN HIS HAND; ANOTHER HAND REACHES INTO THE FRAME AND SNATCHES IT AWAY. CUT TO LOW-ANGLE VIEW OF CLOUDS.

GODS (VOICE-OVER): PROMETHEUS! WHERE IS THE FIRE?

PROMETHEUS: I don't know! Some guy conked me out and took it!

GODS: A LIKELY STORY! WHY SHOULD WE BELIEVE YOU? YOU'RE SPENDING ETERNITY CHAINED TO THIS ROCK! VULTURES WILL EAT OUT YOUR ENTRAILS! THE SUN WILL BAKE YOU! NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU FEEL A COOL DRAUGHT OF WATER TRICKLING DOWN YOUR THROAT!

PROMETHEUS: Argh!

FADE TO BLACK.

SECOND VOICE-OVER: Oh.

FIRST VOICE-OVER: I say again, this is the tale of foolhardy mortals who stole the sacred flame from Prometheus and lost the chance to win a better tomorrow; who sold their birthright to the nether gods of waste and sloth. Mortals who flushed their dreams...down the toilet.

CUT TO overhead spinning shot of a flushing toilet; music swells, sound effect of flushing, etc. FADE OUT. FADE IN to spinning shot of camera emerging from a different toilet; TRACK down hallway, up stairs, and outside, to LONG SHOT of RON on street, looking pensive, waiting for someone. TRACK to MEDIUM shot of RON.

CUT TO LONG SHOT of a red car coming down the block. It halts in front of RON. JOHNNY B. CRAPPER and CONSTANCE (CONNIE) VIRGIN step out. RON moves forward, shakes hands with each of them.

RON: Mr. Crapper, I presume?

JOHNNY: That's right. I'm Johnny B. Crapper. This is my girl, Connie Virgin.

RON: I'm Ron Briscoe. I hear you wanna buy a toilet. (He shifts uncomfortably.)

CONNIE: That's right. We hear you've got one for sale.

JOHNNY: We just moved here into town--and our new house needs a toilet bad!

RON: That's rough. These new city toilet safety bylaws are murder--everyone in town was forced to replace their old toilets with these new city-approved models. Problem is, they cost a mint. Black market toilets are cheaper, but don't come crying to me if the toilet cops catch you with a hot shitcan.

JOHNNY: We gotta have a toilet, man. I don't care which one. It's just gotta be cheap, and if you're selling, we're buying. I'm tired of pissing into the sink every morning.

CONNIE: And it's real rough on the dishes.

RON: Okay. Step inside....and we'll make a deal.

FADE TO BLACK.

ACT ONE

FADE IN: Shot of bathroom that is obviously undergoing renovations.Close in on TOILET,with eerie music, and then TRACK behind TOILET to reveal JOHNNY. End music. JOHNNY twists a wrench in behind the toilet, as though finishing a long, arduous task.

JOHNNY: Well, that's that. May I present--our new toilet!

CONNIE: Thank goodness! A real toilet, not just a hole in the ground. It is looking so beautiful, it seemed like I would never see that sight again! Johnny, I think you missed a piece of the toilet here in the box. It looks important, don't forget to attach it.

JOHNNY: I know, just hand me that pipe and the wrench, babe.

CONNIE: Oh Johnny, you always say the sweetest things. I love you!

JOHNNY: I love you too, Connie, and someday soon perhaps we could get married and you can be my Mrs. Crapper.

CONNIE: That would make me so happy, Johnny!

JOHNNY: Once we get our feet on the ground, it'll happen, babe. If we hadn't gotten this toilet so cheaply, our wedding day would be a long way off.

CONNIE: And with my new job at city hall--

JOHNNY: --everything's coming up roses, now. Nothing can stop us! (turning wrench) Look out, world--here comes Johnny B. Crapper!

(Close shot of wrench slipping. Pipe comes loose in Johnny's hand, and he trips back, knocking himself in the forehead with the pipe.)

JOHNNY: Arrrgh! (JOHNNY dances about in pain as a horrified CONNIE looks on. He slips and falls headfirst into the toilet bowl, then goes limp.)

CONNIE: Johnny! Oh, no! The blood! There's so much blood!

(She reaches in to pull JOHNNY'S head from the bowl. Of its own accord, the toilet suddenly flushes; REACTION SHOT as CONNIE recoils, holding JOHNNY close. CLOSEUP of swirling blood in flushing toilet, with Hitchcockian music. FADE OUT.

CONNIE (V.O.): Well, at least we got our money's worth--the new toilet works.

FADE IN. High angle shot of JOHNNY in bed, a bandage wrapped around his head. He comes to with a moan. CONNIE enters frame, touching JOHNNY's face tenderly.

JOHNNY: What happened?

CONNIE: You had an accident. It's not too bad. (Pause.) I have to go to work now. Don't try to go anywhere--just relax. Keep that ice pack on your head. I'll be back soon.

Exuent CONNIE.

JOHNNY: My head...spinning. I wonder how long I was out for?

(Looks at clock. CUT TO shot of clock on wall, hands spinning crazily, with eerie 2001 choral music, sound fx. Music continues through scene. JOHNNY reacts to clock, lies back in terror. TOILET flushes off-camera. JOHNNY'S eyes dart wildly. He gets up and trance-walks to the bathroom. CUT TO close shot of toilet, surrounded by an eerie blue glow. The bloody pipe is on the toilet lid.

TOILET: Take the pipe, Johnny. Take the pipe.

REACTION SHOT of JOHNNY.

JOHNNY: I...must...take...the...pipe.

INSERT of JOHNNY'S hand, reaching out for the pipe.

TOILET: This is the pipe you're looking for.

JOHNNY: This is the pipe I'm looking for.

TOILET: Move along.

JOHNNY: Move along. Move along.

Low angle of Johnny staggering away, pipe in hand, mumbling. CUT TO:

THE OFFICE OF ELVIS D. KING, up-and coming city councillor. KING is sitting behind his desk, an unlit pipe stuck between his teeth, examining a file folder. INSERT of folder: it reads "T-1000 OMNICOMM WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT", and sports a schematic.

KING: My hour approaches. The hand on that clock is the cold hand of destiny, come now to lead me into a new era--my era.

SOUND: Knock on door.

KING: Enter.

MARIO and LUIGI, KING'S goons, enter.

KING: Ah, Mario, Luigi; my most trusted assassins--I mean, assistants.

MARIO: We heard you had a job for us, King.

KING: Boys, I have a plan that will make me a very rich and powerful man--and you two are coming up the ladder with me.

LUIGI: What kind of plan, King?

KING: Maybe you've seen the news of the city manager's sewage report--the one that shows that all of the city toilets have to be replaced with new, more efficient models.

LUIGI: Yeah. We heard of that.

KING: The city manager is a good friend of mine. He doctored the report for a cut of what promises to be a very profitable operation.

MARIO: You mean that the report's a fake? I don't need a new shitter?

KING: No, but you're going to get one, and so is everyone else in the city--and you're going to be buying it from Omnicomm Industries.

LUIGI: Never heard of 'em.

KING: You're looking at the 100% shareholder, men.

MARIO: Huh?

KING: I'm going to sell three million toilets at 500 bucks a shot. That's a cool 1.5 billion dollars.

MARIO AND LUIGI: Holy shit!

KING: The new T-1000 series toilet is a new, more efficient toilet--according to the sales brochure, it uses less water, it's self-cleaning, and it's environmentally friendly. These toilets are all state of the art--state of the art of bullshit. (He shows M & L a blueprint.) As you can see here, they actually use 50% more water, flush 25% slower, and add 100% more effluent to our rivers. They can push poop about as well as a 90 year old Parkinson's patient.

LUIGI: Hey, wait a minute--I just bought one of those!

KING: Dolt! Everyone must buy one! It's the law! Imbecile! I'm painting you the big picture while you idiots fumble with finger paints!

MARIO and LUIGI worriedly examine their fingers.

KING: (sighs) What the public doesn't know is that the T-1000s have the most sophisticated bugs that money can buy--

MARIO: Bugs!? You mean like silverfish?

LUIGI: Tapeworms!

KING: I mean listening devices! And surveillance cameras. When you know what a man does in the bathroom when he thinks he's by himself, you know what he is capable of in the outside world.

Disgusted REACTION SHOT of MARIO and LUIGI.

KING: No, no. When you can see what people are reading on the toilet, when you can hear what they listen to on the radio while they shower, when you know what couples talk about in the morning--that's when you can devine their very thoughts, and that is the key to real power. Very soon, I will have my fingers on the pulse of this city--and my eyes and ears in every toilet bowl.

More dubious looks from MARIO and LUIGI.

KING: I'm serious! This will work--and the plan is already in motion. The city council privy chambers are already home to a full complement of my new T-1000s. Already my seats of power occupy the seats of power! Allow me to demonstrate.

KING motions the thugs over to his computer terminal and taps a few buttons.

KING: There--the mayor himself!

MAYOR (V.0.): 1, 998 (flush)...1, 999 (flush)...2, 000! (flush) Hey, whaddaya know--it works!

KING: Getting elected Mayor may be easier than I thought. In any case, men, most of the city's toilets have already been replaced, but there are a few stubborn holdouts who are fighting the new law. The most irritating of these malcontents are the owners of the Heartbreak Hotel--you know, the one down at the end of Lonely Street. (Who names these places, anyway?) I want you to go and convince the manager that the new toilets will be very good for his business...and his health.

MARIO: Otherwise, it'll be Legbreak Hotel--

LUIGI: --at the end of Hospital Street. We catch your drift, King.

KING: Go, now--and do my bidding. (He hits intercomm button.) Miss Virgin, will you come into my office, please?

MARIO and LUIGI begin to leave. On their way out, they pass CONNIE VIRGIN, who happens to be KING'S secretary.

MARIO: Hey, Connie--you got a sister named Mary? (snickers)

CONNIE (seriously): Why yes--do you know her?

MARIO and LUIGI do a double take; exuent.

KING: Connie, I'd like you to make 3, 000 copies of this report, and type up my nephew's English essay. The topic is Hamlet. Personally, I think the kid shoulda kakked himself and let his uncle rule Denmark. What'd he have against him? There was a man with some cojones! He saw his opportunity and took charge!

CONNIE: Sir, I don't do work that isn't job-related!

KING: You do the work I tell you to do, sweetheart, or you'll never work in this town again! Get me coffee. Dark and sweet--just the way I like my women. (leers)

CONNIE: ...yes, sir.

Exuent Connie. CUT TO shot of photocopy room. CONNIE is making copies of the report when she notices the T-1000 blueprint in the pile. She studies it curiously, then makes a copy.

FADE TO BLACK.


END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

MONTAGE of JOHNNY whacking people with a pipe. He whacks about 20 people, moving down an otherwise peaceful residential street. Eventually, JOHNNY will start to have pangs of conscience, and he will fight this mystifying compulsion. When this inner struggle begins, the TOILET speaks, via telepathy, to JOHNNY. Intercut between the two characters as dialogue dictates. Every time Johhny hits someone, he apolgizes after the fact. He is clearly agonized by his actions; his manner should suggest that he is not in control.

JOHNNY: Monster! Damn you--get out of my head!

TOILET: You are mine, Johnny Crapper--body and soul! You are to be my instrument of vengeance upon mankind--my Johnny Crapperseed! That pipe you wield is to be the sword of Damocles that falls upon the sorry heads of my enemies--and with every blow you deliver, my spawn are brought one step closer to their terrible birth!

JOHNNY: I don't understand! Why are you making me do this?

TOILET: Quiet! Among those you have felled lie crucial elements of my plan...see there: that bottle contains Metapropyl Valvoline...take it! And that man has a chicken take out order! Sieze it!

(Insert shots of JOHNNY'S hand grabbing the aforementioned items as the TOILET speaks.)

JOHNNY: But--but--WHY? WHY ME?

TOILET: Ask not what this toilet does to you--ask what YOU may do for the toilet! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA!!

JOHNNY: (shrieking, pulling hair, etc.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (runs away)

CUT TO LONG SHOT of DONNA PISSOIR, girl reporter, taking notes from a safe distance. She moves in closer, coming across wounded victims. She takes notes as they speak.

DONNA: Donna Pissoir, girl reporter. Are you all right? What happened?

VICTIM 1: He's crazy! Hit me with a pipe...tried to steal my chicken!

VICTIM 2: He spilled my Metapropyl Valvoline!

The VICTIMS regard their possessions, then come to a shocking realization:

VICTIM 1: Hey! You got Metapropyl Valvoline on my chicken!

VICTIM 2: You got chicken in my Metapropyl Valvoline!

DONNA picks up a piece of the chemical-soaked chicken and sniffs it. Disgusted, she makes a "bleargh" sound and throws it down.

DONNA: Great Scott! I've gotta call this in to the newspaper!

TRACK DONNA as she rushes for a phone booth. Another man is also running for the booth--a mild-mannered looking, bespectacled fellow.

MAN: Excuse me, ma'am, I need to use this phone booth!

DONNA: Beat it, pal! I got here first!(She slams the booth shut, leaving the MAN with a panicked expression on his face. He quickly dashes off. DONNA dials her newspaper.) Mr. Jameson! You wouldn't believe what I just saw! Take this down...at 2:00 P.M., a man armed with a pipe went on a rampage in (location). At least fifteen people are wounded...he was like a maniac with a pipe...a PIPE MANIAC! oops, I guess I should call the police...just as soon as I'm finished, Jonah! The maniac is a caucasian male in his 20's...and get this...he was trying to steal chicken and some chemical called Metapropyl Valvoline you can clean it up at your end, boss. HEY...I've just thought of something...I think I can blow this story wide open!

FADE OUT

FADE IN to the same neigbourhood. DONNA has set herself up as a potential victim, hoping to get a scoop. She carries a huge vat of Metapropyl Valvoline, along with as many buckets of fried take-out chicken as our actress can carry. She also wears a fried chicken hat, and possibly fried chicken earrings.

DONNA: With all this chicken and Metapropyl Valvoline, I'm sure to be the Pipe Maniac's next target...and then I'll have an exclusive scoop! I sure wonder what he wants with this stuff, though...here, maniac, maniac, maniac...