Shedding The Old Skin

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone else. Once I could pinpoint the reason for my sense of loss, I could slowly release the burden that had been weighing on my heart.
This work week has also been hectic. I've been observing and taking data on some elementary kiddos who are having behavioral issues, on top of working with my regular autism students. I'm overwhelmed with things that I have to do this weekend. I have an end of the year test on nine of the autism modules we have studied this year, I need to write my son a graduation letter, and I also need to write a letter of recommendation for a co-worker. I have a wedding and reception to attend today, so that cuts into my study time. I'm also not a good test taker because I get so anxious, so all of this is weighing on my mind. All that I ask is to get through the last week of this school year in one piece. I will be relieved when I get everything done! I'm going to go and get ready for that wedding now, but I'm wishing all of you a wonderful weekend:)

Good Things

Life feels so amazing and beautiful today, as if everything is filled with a golden light. The colors I see seem brighter, my heart flutters like a butterly’s wings, and the world spins around in a whirl of dizzying emotions. I’m a child turning in circles, and then falling down to the ground, the clouds flying above me.

Good Things Of The Day~

• I went to my youngest son, Roman’s basketball game, and his team won. He played awesome, and I’m proud of him. Watching him out there makes me nervous though. I sit on the edge of my seat, with my hands sweating :-)
  
• I have laughed so much with my boys. (I have four) They bring me so much joy.(most of the time)
• I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. It was nice to talk to her, and update her on all of the boys antics and activities. I also talk to her about my worries and concerns. It feels good to have someone besides my husband who listens and cares. I love you, Mom!
  
• I don’t hate my body today. I actually feel comfortable in my own skin, which is a rare thing for me.

I’m wishing everyone a Happy Easter, and I will leave you with a beautiful Easter quote~

“ Easter is a time to take a new look at ourselves and contemplate the divinity in us, the depths of our own innate God-potential. It is a time to reappraise the principle that makes all overcoming possible.”~ Eric Butterworth

Sometimes I Win

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going to paint, but I couldn't find the paint that I wanted to use. My mom told me where it was, so today, that is what I'm going to do. That is one thing about my mom coming to visit. She organizes my house so well, that I have to call her to tell me where she put everything! I love you, mom<3>

A Weekend Recap

My mom and I are getting ready to paint the rec room today, and then we will be finished with all of the painting. I can't get over how fresh and clean everything looks. I'm so glad that she came to help me with all of this. I know that I wouldn't have even been able to get started without her.
We took the weekend off, and had a really nice time. My mom and I went to the movies on Saturday. We saw "Mamma Mia", and it was really good. It made us laugh and cry. I would definitely recommend it, even to men. It is not just a chick flick! After the movie we brought home pizza, drank wine, and it was a very relaxing evening. On Sunday, I woke up really early in the morning, which is a good time for me to write, so I worked on a poem, and drank a ton of coffee. I took a nap, early in the afternoon, and then we all went to the movies to see"Iron Man", which I really wasn't very excited to see, but then I loved it. It was a very enjoyable weekend, and now it is back to work. We will be able to get the rec room finished today, and then my mom and I will have the rest of the week to just hang out and do girly stuff. Shopping, pedicures, more shopping...Fun fun, fun!

Mom To The Rescue

My mom is in town from Florida to help me organize my life, and I am so grateful. This fog of depression that I have been living under left me with little motivation or energy for much beyond going to work, and the necessities of daily living. I was too overwhelmed to even begin to tackle the mess that my house had become, and now that summer school is finished, with my mom's help, I can start digging myself out from under all of the rubble. I can feel my medication slowly beginning to kick back in, and hope is reappearing. We have been busy cleaning today, and having my mom nearby has been very calming. Sometimes it is only a mother who can make everything feel better, and I know how lucky I am to have her love and patience.

A Shopping Day

Yesterday my mom and I spent the whole afternoon shopping, and we had so much fun! It has been wonderful to spend time together. I isolated myself from everyone before I went in for treatment. It is nice to be able to reconnect, and to feel joy again. My mom bought me some new clothes, and we had a good time trying things on together. It feels great to laugh again. We went to a store called Notions and Potions that has a lot of fairy stuff, and my mom bought me a beautiful fairy figurine. I love it!
This morning there was a gentle rain here, and we sat on the back porch, near the burning fire pit and had our breakfast and coffee. Very relaxing! Today we are going to St. Augustines for more shopping, and we will stay to see the Christmas lights in the evening. Hope everyone has a beautiful day:)