Bit of a Break

It has been awhile since we last visited.

It may be even longer before I return on a regular basis.

Our drive to Minnesota, for last month's appointment at the Mayo Clinic, was much like that old saying about the postal service:  through rain, sleet, hail and snow. 

Add in some unbelievable winds, a little sunshine, and a range of temperatures from freezing to sweltering, and you have a description of our traveling experience.

The news received from my appointment was a mixture of good and not-so-good.

I returned and decided to take a brief break, while enjoying this wonderful Spring season.

It has always been one of my favorites:
a season of rebirth, joy and hope.

I love to watch bulbs planted last fall burst forth in glorious bloom and color.

I wonder each year if my beloved peonies survived our long hot and dry summer, and if my hydrangeas were protected enough during the cold of our winter.

Nothing makes my heart pitter patter as much as that first glimpse of a red tinged peony shoot peeking up through the garden soil, or a bright green hydrangea leaf bud on an otherwise dead looking branch.

All of these were happening, and I was oh-so-happy!

I was also humming along in my sewing room, stitching on pretty pastels and summer brights.

On Saturday morning, my husband and I were outside working in our yard.

I felt a sharp prick in the third finger of my right hand.

I do not wear gloves.

There is nothing like playing in the dirt and feeling it squish through your fingers.

I find it more difficult to deadhead flowers or squash an unwanted bug with gloved fingers.

They never fit well, and seem to cause more callouses and blisters -- at least for me.

So, I am used to splinters, scratches and cuts.

This one was different.

It felt different.

It looked different.

My finger and hand began to swell before my eyes.

Then, I saw why.

A snake.

I screamed.

My husband ran.

I managed not to pass out, but only barely.

He identified the snake as a Copperhead, and rushed me to the nearest hospital's Emergency Room.

I was hospitalized for the weekend, receiving anti-venom and other medications.

I returned home with an extremely discolored and swollen hand and arm.

Yesterday, new symptoms sent us to another physician for additional treatment.

Recovery will be longer than I expected, and is much more painful -- both physically and emotionally -- than I wish to admit.

There may be permanent damage from both external and internal tissue damage.

Please be careful in your yards and gardens, as you welcome Spring this year.

I am not sure when I will be able to return to blogging, sewing, or gardening.

In the meantime, I wish each of you a joyful Spring and blessed Easter.

Me and Peas

Remember last summer when I was bonding with packages of frozen peas?

Unfortunately, I am doing it again!

Thank goodness, it is not my eyes this time.

Wish I could say that I was doing something fun, or on some grand adventure.

Instead, it was just me, my Dyson vacuum, and a complete lack of grace and coordination.

I now have a lovely black, blue and broken toe!

The good news?

We are experiencing record breaking temperatures, and it is predicted to only worsen.

Meanwhile, I am chillin' with my frozen peas!

So, if I am quiet for a few days, that is why.

I am hopeful this will provide some quiet time to sit and stitch!

Hope all of you are staying cool -- but minus any painful injuries.

One Week. One Year.

It's been one week since I headed off to Louisiana and the Old Fashioned Baby Sewing and Spiritual Retreat.  I must still be on vacation mode.  Not much has been accomplished since my return!

My project is still in pieces:  a sweet yoke embellished with yummy Swiss embroidery, French lace and tucks, and a skirt embellished with more tucks and Swiss edging.  The end result will be a darling little slip dress with delicate embroidery above the skirt's tucks. 

It will be finished someday soon, I promise!

The retreat was three blissful days of fun, friends, fellowship and stitching!

Jeannie and Belinda did a fantastic job of spoiling each and every one of us.  These are just a few of the special favors and mementos.

There was also time for Bible study, a renewal and strengthening of faith and spirit.

It could not come at a more appropriate time for me.

It was one year ago today that I underwent the first of three eye surgeries.

I try very hard to put this all behind and forge ahead.  I do not want to dwell on the past.

However, it has been on my mind so much as this anniversary approached.

I want to forget the anger, fear and pain.

I want to open my eyes each morning and not be afraid.

I am not sure that will ever happen.

There is so much goodness I want to always remember.

I never want to forget how I was held in the strong and loving arms of a great God.

I never want to forget how so many of you reached out to me and my family, surrounded us with your prayers, and carried us when we stumbled in our faith and hope.

I still miss my contact lenses!

I still hate to wear glasses.

I am so thankful for the vision I have.

I am becoming used to dark dancing blobs, and don't try to chase as many imaginary creatures darting across the floor, or swat as many fantasy flies.

Artificial tears have become my constant companion, as has smudged mascara!

All in all, I am blessed.

Each of you are part of that blessing.

The following verse became one of my favorites this past year.  It was also one read this past weekend.

Coincidence? 

Maybe so, or maybe not.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

~Matthew 6:34~

Return from Rochester

Thank you so much for all the prayers and positive thoughts during our recent journey to Rochester, Minnesota.  We managed to travel both directions safely, and missed most of the snow and bad weather.   It began snowing as we headed back home.  For a couple of hours, we drove through a white winter wonderland.   I now have a new appreciation for the word "cold".  Temperatures were usually between 10 and 20 degrees.  If I ever again complain about cold temperatures in my part of the country, my friends to the north are more than welcome to stuff their mittens and mufflers in my mouth!

Actually, the people in Rochester are quite smart.  The majority of hotels, shops, restaurants and Mayo Clinic buildings are linked by a series of underground tunnels and skywalks.  You really do not need to venture out into the cold much at all.

We were able to dine at the same restaurant where my husband often dined, as a child, with his mother and a beloved aunt.  The restaurant, Michaels, is still owned and operated by the same family 50 years later.  His favorite entree of roasted duck with wild rice is still served.  Our meal was delicious, and the waitress kind enough to listen to my husband's trip down memory lane.  Bless her heart!

We also took a quick detour to Janesville, to catch a quick glimpse of his grandparents' home.  The building which once housed his grandfather's Chevrolet dealership and repair service is still standing, although greatly modified and serving a different purpose.  The grocery store and Dairy Queen, where many nickles and dimes were spent on treats, are still in business.

We also walked down hallways at the Mayo Clinic where his mother and father once might have walked.

It is somehow reassuring to know that some things never change.

The ophthamologist, with whom we met, described my case of thyroid eye disease as one of the most severe and complex he has seen.  Treatment options that might be advantageous to others, will not benefit me.

The best that can be offered is a series of surgeries that will lessen, but not completely reverse the double vision.  He believes the amount of time that I am currently able to align my eyes for normal vision will continue to decrease.  Each day, I seem to notice more deterioriation. 

His surgery schedule is currently filled for the next three months.  So, we have time to continue researching, thinking and making decisions.  Should openings in the surgery schedule become available, we will be notified.  Truthfully, at this time, I am not too eager to agree to additional surgeries.

The journey to Mayo Clinic did make one thing clear.

The halls are filled with thousands of people, all searching for their own medical miracle.

While our individual battles may seem insurmountable to each of us, many are fighting wars that may never be won.  They would gladly trade places with me.

The holidays are a time of hope and miracles.

I continue to cling to that promise.

I also continue to pray for grace to accept and make the best of my situation --

what it is now, and what it may become.

Maybe Mayo . . .

and not the type that comes in a jar, but the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

Many of you have been so very kind to inquire about the current status of my eyes.  You may have noticed that I mostly ignored those questions, or said very little.  It is partly because there are not many answers right now, and  partly because I continue to be in denial about some things.

Recent CT scans and appointments with specialists have not been encouraging.

The optic muscles and tissues are continuing to swell and enlarge, possibly creating new problems and worsening the double vision.  I now experience double vision most of the time.  With great effort and concentration, I am able to sometimes focus well enough to type and read.  For that small blessing I am extremely grateful.

I have been able to do some machine sewing, but my eyes, head and neck become very tired.

I have also tried smocking.  That actually went better than expected -- as long as I don't stick the needle in my eye or nose!  I have to hold the stitching only inches away from the wonky eyeballs in order to focus and see.  We are in the process of moving computers.  I find it easier to use a laptop, as the screen adjusts more easily for viewing.  However, being technically challenged, we have not figured out an easy way to download photographs from my camera to my laptop.  Thus, the shortage of recent photographs here.  I will keep working on that, or maybe ask Santa for an upgrade!

When I first began this journey, my surgeon promised he would do all he could to prevent complete loss of vision. 

He was successful in that endeavor.  I can see, it is just in a different, and often perplexing, manner.

There remains much for which I am thankful.  There are also times when anger creeps in.  Tears are frequent.  Doors have been slammed, and temper tantrums have been thrown.  Then, I calm down and reach for the nearest piece of chocolate!

One of the most difficult aspects for me is the variance in suggestions from my many doctors.  Some say to patch an eye.  Others say to refrain from patching.  Some suggest warm compresses.  Others suggest cold.  If  two would agree on just one thing, I would be a happy girl!

During my last doctor's visit, we were given the option of visiting other specialists around the country.  At this time, my records are being gathered and transferred to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.

My husband is actually rather excited about the prospect of appointments there.  Both his mother and father had  professional ties with the clinic.  In our attic, are dusty autographed photographs of the Mayo brothers themselves, as well as other gatherings and events involving medical professionals from the clinic.  My husband spent many childhood summers in Rochester.  He is looking forward to taking a trip back in time.  I am looking forward to moving ahead.  I am not looking forward to visiting Minnesota in the dead of winter.  My deepest apology to dear Minnesota friends!

As I recently shared with a very special group of prayer warriors, I no longer ask that my eyes be healed.  Instead, I pray for the grace to accept my current vision and the life changes it brings.

I continue to be so very richly blessed.

Thank you for caring.

Sparkly Pumpkins, Part II

I could not stop with just one sparkly pumpkin. 

Now, I have a whole centerpiece of sparkly pumpkins!

As often happens with glitter, a little (or a lot!) was also stuck to me.

I decided to think of it as magical fairy dust and danced off to the local Texas Department of Public Safety office.  You may recall, from an earlier post, my concern about failing the vision test for my driver's license renewal.

With a little bit of magic, a bundle of good wishes from faithful friends and kind readers, and a whole lot of God's grace, I passed!

It is a small step on my road to recovery, but a big step on helping me still feel somewhat nomal.  While I still cannot drive too many places, I will at least be prepared for the day when I can!

If you wish to make sparkly pumpkins of your own, my inspiration came from here.

I used artificial pumpkins and gourds with MS Fine Glitter in Fire Opal and Copper.

Pink Ribbons for Special People

~Dorothye Moore~

Dorothye, who would later become my mother-in-law, was diagnosed with breast cancer only weeks after her son and I first met.

Following a double mastectomy and a year of treatment, Dorothye was declared in remission.  We were blessed that she remained cancer free for almost 14 years.  The cancer would then return as very painful tumors on her spine.  Electing not to undergo treatments, we bid farewell to a beloved mother, mother-in-law, grandmother and friend in July 1999.

Dorothye was really the first person, with whom I was close, to be diagnosed with this dreadful disease.  That is rather remarkable when one looks at the statistics.  Since then, the lives of many friends and other family members have been changed by breast cancer.  With them, my life also changed.

I am beyond grateful to say that the majority of those brave women are still living full and active lives today.  Great strides have been made in the research and treatment of breast cancer. 

There remains much work to be done.

Living in Dallas, I was able to be involved with the early days of the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  Friends and I would volunteer hours and manpower preparing for the annual Komen Luncheon, usually held in October.  Soon, races and other fundraisers took the place of the annual luncheon.  Instead of dresses and suits, we donned our shorts, t-shirts, and running shoes, heading out onto the streets of Dallas.  We ran for those who could not.  We ran with those who were so grateful to still be able.

~One in eight women in the US will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime.

~Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among women in the US ages 40-59.

~A woman dies of breast cancer every 13 minutes in the US.

~An estimated 207,090 women will be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in the US in 2010.

The good news is there are 2.5 million breast cancer survivors alive in the US today, the largest group of cancer survivors in the country.

There should be more.

No family should know the sorrow of having a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt or grandmother diagnosed with breast cancer.  No friend should have to witness the fear or tears of another fighting this disease.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

There are many ways to support breast cancer awareness, research, treatment and patients. 

If nothing else, please offer a prayer for those courageously fighting their own illness today.

May we someday know a world where the C word is not the dreaded one of Cancer, but a joyful one such as Celebrate.

Eye Update

I cannot begin to express how touched I am each time a dear reader inquires about my eyes and the healing process.  While this is definitely not one of the prettier entries I have posted, I thought maybe it would be healing in its own way for me.  I seem to have hit a wall in believing that I will ever be back to normal, and am trying very hard to accept my new "normal" and limitations.  Perhaps by looking back to where I have been, I will realize how far I have actually come.

So, reader beware!  There are some rather unattractive photographs to follow!

This is my right eye, the first to receive orbital decompression surgery.  These photographs were taken approximately six days after surgery, and just prior to the stitches being removed.  Much of the swelling, and some bruising, had already subsided.

Lovely, no?

This is the left eye, about one week after surgery.  My surgeon is so proud of his tiny stitches!  Maybe we need to teach him the fine art of hiding those knots, though!  If you look closely, the last stitch on the right includes a huge knot.  That thing hung on for dear life, even after all the other stitches were removed or dissolved.

These stitches remained in place for approximately one week after surgery.

For the first 24 hours immediately following each surgery, there were large basting stitches that ran from my eyebrow down to under the eye.  They were removed just before I was discharged from the hospital.

Since these photographs are gruesome enough, I won't even begin to describe some of the other very frightening and ugly things that happened to my eyes, nose and face immediately after surgery and during the first 7-10 days of recovery.

This is my left eye today. 

The scar will eventually fade, and blend into other creases and wrinkles at the corner of my eye.  You may also be able to detect that my upper eyelid remains somewhat swollen.

There is still numbness surrounding both incisions, sides of my face and forehead, and extending back to my ears.

Overall, my surgeon is very pleased with my progress.  He does admit to being a little mystified about the swelling of my left eye.  The current suggestion is to try sleeping with my head more elevated, and not sleeping on that side.  Therein lies a small problem!  I have always been more of a left side sleeper.  However, I do notice a difference that various sleeping positions make.

I had a follow-up appointment with the retina specialist yesterday.  There was some improvement in the weak spots detected last month.  He believes the blobs and flashing lights I continue to see will lessen over time.  Patience seems to be a running theme here.

The biggest problem is a continued presence of double vision.

My left eye is not moving in sync with my right eye, causing an ovelay of images.  Upon waking each morning, I see two of everything.  Sometimes seeing two of certain things is a blessing.  Many times not!  I have to determine which door or wall is real, so that I will not end up with even more bruises and scars.  There have been a few juice glasses and cereal bowls broken when I chose the "wrong" kitchen counter or breakfast table!  A sense of humor and non-attachment to material items is necessary in this healing process.

You may be able to tell from this photograph that my eyes are not looking in the same direction.  My left eye tends to gaze downward and to the right.  I have a lovely view of my nose!

You can also see it is more swollen and puffy, compared to the right.

It takes about two to three hours each morning, and lots of concentration on my part, to finally have more-or-less single vision.  The double vision will sometimes reappear during the day, especially if I am tired or using my eyes a great deal.  It is also more likely to reappear when I attempt long distance viewing.  Therefore, driving and other activities remain difficult or impossible.  I am able to drive on neighborhood streets, but driving on busy multi-lane thoroughfares or expressways is not a good idea.  Sometimes watching television, viewing movies in a theater or walking through large stores is difficult.  I really miss my freedom and independence.

I currently wear my glasses, but may be able to return to contacts once the incisions have fully healed and swelling subsides. 

Through all of this, the important thing for me to remember is that I still have vision!  Everything else is really just small inconveniences and points of vanity.  My surgeon promised that he would not let me go blind, and he has delivered on that promise.

Patience, determination and faith seem to be my best prescription and hope for a return to my previous lifestyle and activities..  Again, I am so grateful for each and every prayer offered on my behalf, for each sign of friendship and kindess extended in my direction. 

Even with wonky eyes, I am truly blessed.

Rest

This week, I began to see more blobs and bright lights in my left eye. 

Yesterday, I interrupted my husband during a business lunch and informed him we needed to drive to a hospital in a neighboring city.  I was scheduled for an emergency appointment and examination with a retina specialist.

Fortunately, the conclusion is that I do not have a retina tear or the the beginning of a retina detachment.  However, there is cause for concern.

I may have tried to do a little too much too soon following the surgery on my left eye.

So, I am taking a rest from the computer and other activities for a few days.

Farewell to Peas!

Since my first surgery on June 30, frozen peas have been an almost constant companion.  They have been plastered to one or both eyes throughout the days and nights to help decrease swelling and increase healing.

I now bid them adieu, and move on to warm compresses on both eyes!

My surgeon continues to be mostly pleased with the outcome of both surgeries.

I am currently seeing a dark blob in my left eye.  Fingers crossed that it is simply caused by swelling, and will disappear as that eye continues to heal.

As a precaution, restrictions on activities have been extended for a little longer.

Double vision is still present, and most likely will continue for anywhere from three to six weeks.  At that time, we will determine whether additional treatment or surgery is necessary.

Mostly, I am so very thankful to have the surgeries behind me and so very hopeful for a full recovery within the coming weeks.

No doubt, many of your prayers and well wishes have brought me safely to this point.

I am forever grateful.

It is my joy in life to find

At every turning of the road

The strong arm of a comrade kind

To help me onward with my load.

And since I have no gold to give,

And love alone must make amends,

My only prayer is, while I live,

God make me worthy of my friends.

                                                        ~Frank Dempster Sherman~

Same Song, Second Verse

By the time many of you read this, I will be undergoing the second in a series of eye surgeries to save my vision.  If you are new to my blog, or missed my previous post, you may read more here.

The good thing about this second surgery:  I know what to expect.

The bad thing about this second surgery:  I know what to expect!

There is one more good thing: 

Now both eyes will be swollen, both sides of my face will be sore and discolored, and I will have matching incisions at the outer corners of both eyes.

I prefer, after all, to be a well-balanced person!

So, the good outweighs the bad!

Since my last update, it does appear that the majority of vision in my right eye was saved.

I am a lucky, lucky girl!

In the past few days, I was determined to start stitching again!

The process was slow, with limited vision.  This little dress still lacks buttonholes, buttons and a hem.

However, with God's grace and the prayers of dear friends, I know that I will return to complete it and many more.

I have scheduled a few other posts in the coming days.

I will see you again here a little later.

In the meantime, you know what to do:

Stitch, create, decorate and appreciate!

It's a wonderful life!

Back Live and with a Winner!

My momma always said,  "Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what your're gonna get."

                                                                                 ~Forrest Gump~

Momma was right.  You just never know.

The past weeks (and those yet to come) have certainly not been what I ever expected to happen in my life.

The stitches from my right eye have been removed, and the surgeon is pleased.

I cannot see clearly yet, so the amount of vision preserved is unknown.  We are grateful for any amount.

Double vision remains, and will continue until all surgeries and healing are completed.

I am becoming fairly good at doing most things with just one eye.

Well, I have managed to run into a few walls, or miss the countertop when setting down a plate, but I could have easily done that with two good eyes.  I just now have a valid excuse!

Surgery on the left eye is scheduled for next week, Wednesday, July 14.

Surgery and recovery will be a little more difficult, since I am so fresh from the first surgery.  However, we decided it best to keep moving forward without hesitation.

Words can never express my gratitude for all the prayers offered and kindness bestowed upon me and my family.  The cards, emails and surprises always arrived when I needed them most.  

My body may ache, but my soul has never known such peace, warmth and love.

I am truly blessed.

The photographs are decadent artisan chocolates from some of my sweetest friends.

I only wish we could share them in person!  They are deeeelicious!

 

And now for the winner of my Sew Serendipity give away!

Nancy of Nancy's Couture is the lucky recipient!

You may contact me at bessiemaryblog at gmail dot com, and provide a mailing address.

Congratulations and enjoy!

One Last Look

* I am truly touched by each of your comments, prayers and support.  Thank you so very much.*

What if you were suddenly informed that you might lose all, or most, of your vision?

What would you want to see, one more time, before your eyes dim?

Unfortunately, that is a question I have asked myself, as doctors recently informed me that I was at risk of losing my eyesight*.

Some might say they want to gaze upon the faces of loved ones.

Those are already etched upon my heart -- even the faces of those not often seen.

Some might say a beautiful garden.

I will still be able to smell the roses, feel velvety blossoms and rough textured bark, and walk barefoot through grass that tickles my toes.

No, I would want to see home one last time.

Home is Amarillo, Texas.

It is where I was born and raised.  It is where my parents lie in eternal rest.

But what I loved most was probably what others would find least pleasant.

It is flat.

Flatter than your kitchen table flat!

The flat land stretching out as far as one can see is what welcomed me home from chaotic college days, from the rat race of young adult life in a huge city, from the disappointment of a failed first marriage, from the tiring days of parenthood. 

It even welcomed me home to care for a mother battling cancer, and later an elderly father.

Nothing, as far as the eye could see, except sky meeting earth.

But in that first glimpse, my mind would clear.  I could breathe.  It did not matter what I had left behind, or what news might greet me.

There was peace and a serenity in that flat land.

It was home and beautiful to me.

What else would I want to see one last time?

It is somewhat similar.  Only this time, it is sky meeting water.

As a girl raised in the dry prairies of Texas, I did not have too much experience with oceans and beaches.

But once discovered, I was head over heels!

Some may find the ocean intimidating.

I find it just the opposite.

I find it empowering, yet calming.

It makes me realize just how big my God really is. 

And lastly, I would want to see Christmas.

Don't we all love to see the splendor and beauty of the holidays?

Whether it is the memory of our childhood holidays, or those made with our children, it is one of life's greatest joys.

It is ornaments and decorations lovingly passed down through the ages.  It is lights that twinkle and candles that glow, spreading cheer in the shortest days of the year.

It is smiles on everyone's faces and reassurance of good and joy and peace.

So, as I prepare for surgery intended to save and preserve my current vision,

I will cling to these images.

I will remember the flat beauty of home and breathe.

I will remember the ocean and know that God is in charge.

I will remember the faith, hope and joy that was born at Christmas.

I will believe that the Greatest Physician will guide the hands of my surgeon and heal my eyes.

And in the meantime, I ask that each of you do all that I cannot:

stitch, create, decorate, appreciate and enjoy these sunny summer days.

My family and I covet your prayers.

My greatest prayer is that I will see you here again --

soon.

In the meantime, I have scheduled a few posts.  You may not even realize I am gone!

So, what would be your last thing to see?


*My vision problems are complications of Graves Disease, a form of hyperthyroidism.  It has caused my optic muscles and tissues to enlarge, placing tremendous pressure on my optic nerves.  If left untreated, the nerves would continue to be compressed, die and render me sightless.  During surgery, portions of my eye socket walls will be removed to provide room for the enlarged muscles and tissue.  This should prevent additional damage to my optic nerves.  Each eye will be done during separate surgeries over the coming weeks.  Additional surgeries to correct double vision may be necessary later.
The first surgery is scheduled for 8:oo am, June 30.