Tell Her No

Who knew that a Zombie Pub Crawl could become too commercial. Well, it did. Selling tickets to a Zombie Pub Crawl? Are we going to charge kids to go trick-or-treating this year too? Anyway, if you're not sure if you are a zombie, and wondering if you should go, there's a quick test here to tell you if you're a zombie.

Of course, no amount of organizing will stop the zombies in the end, and somehow they got me chained to the Precinct desk yet another year for the Crawl, so I won't be there to stop them. In case you didn't know, here are some tips to help you fight the zombies. Good luck!

Do You Know How Lucky You Are?

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... We got him! (Again)

It's been a while since there's been zombie news, but this investigative story should have us all sighing in relief.

Unfortunately, that list doesn't take into account people in their 20's apparently being completely worthless. This seems inevitable. Adulthood has been moving later as our lifespans get longer. You couldn't wait for 25 to be an adult when your average lifespan was 28. I'm not saying this is a good thing, of course. This is partly parents allowing their kids to stay with them longer than maybe they should. Not to mention that there are a lot of people and not many jobs. I think it's high time we start moving folks to the moon.

Speaking of the moon, I'm curious if any muslims out there can tell me how one would determine when Ramadan starts if one was living on the moon, since determining the start relies on seeing the moon.

Apparently having a nationwide radio show is bad for free speech. Laura Schlessinger is upset people called her a racist for saying racist things, so she's quitting. She wants her "1st Amendment" rights back. Come January, Dr. Laura will be free to say whatever she wants. Hopefully, no media carries what she says. We wouldn't want her rights violated.

Your Say It Loud leader.

Annual ZJD Post

The Day has come again. Tomorrow is Zombie Jesus Day. It is becomming a tradition, but I'll just link to what you need to know to be ready.

Be afraid.

(Italy Pics coming soon, I hope.)

True, Nervous. Very, Very Dreadfully Nervous I Had Been And Am. But Why Will You Say That I Am Mad?

Hi. Happy Halloween! I hope you are scared but safe tonight. But if you think you might be a zombie, Savage Chickens has a quick test for you to take.

Here are some words to help you get in the mood of the evening.

The effect was that of a Cyclopian city of no architecture known to man or human imagination, with vast aggregations of night-black masonry embodying monstrous perversions of geometrical laws and attaining the most grotesque extremes of sinister bizarrerie. - H.P. Lovecraft

The fair girl went on her knees and bent over me, fairly gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal... I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the supersensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there. - Jonathan Harker

I find evidences of its presence every day. I watched again all last night in the same cover, gun in hand, double-charged with buckshot. In the morning the fresh footprints were there, as before. Yet I would have sworn that I did not sleep — indeed, I hardly sleep at all. It is terrible, insupportable! If these amazing experiences are real I shall go mad; if they are fanciful I am mad already.- Ambrose Bierce

Something came; again, that's all I can say for sure. It may have been the fact that the mist only allowed us to glimpse things briefly, but I think it just as likely that there are certain things the brain disallows. There are things of such darkness and horror - just as, I suppose, there are things of great beauty - that they will not fit through the puny human doors of perception. - Stephen King

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Your Hiding In The Shadows bleed-er.

I've Got Cat Class And I've Got Cat Style

So I'm sitting here as the fastest thunderstorm in history blows over, plotting out my spot on the Super Bowl parade route and missing The Hillock trying to steal my string cheese, and I come across a titter post from Marty Beckerman. It links to this story by Prof. Alan Dershowitz where SCJ Scalia makes the case that innocence is no reason not to execute somebody.

“This court has never held that the Constitution forbids the execution of a convicted defendant who has had a full and fair trial but is later able to convince a habeas court that he is ‘actually’ innocent. Quite to the contrary, we have repeatedly left that question unresolved, while expressing considerable doubt that any claim based on alleged ‘actual innocence’ is constitutionally cognizable.”

Dershowitz has good point:

Let us be clear precisely what this means. If a defendant were convicted, after a constitutionally unflawed trial, of murdering his wife, and then came to the Supreme Court with his very much alive wife at his side, and sought a new trial based on newly discovered evidence (namely that his wife was alive), these two justices would tell him, in effect: “Look, your wife may be alive as a matter of fact, but as a matter of constitutional law, she’s dead, and as for you, Mr. Innocent Defendant, you’re dead, too, since there is no constitutional right not to be executed merely because you’re innocent.”

Dershowitz also wonders how this affects Scalia's Catholicism. I'm waiting for Bill Donahue to call for Scalia being denied communion, although I'm not putting any money on it.

I'm more worried that a Supreme Court Justice thinks it's perfectly OK to execute innocent people under our Constition. Maybe, just maybe, that might be unreasonable seizure.

Of course, if that guy's wife was not alive, but had in fact come back as a zombie, then all bets are off. Of course, that study just tells us the obvious. That zombies must be wiped out immediately. I wish they'd paid me a bunch of cash to say that.

Your Cat Missing leader.

Oh, Shit, There's A Bear! Could You Hand Me That Shotgun, Buddy?

Yet another reason not to go to Ohio. It's crawling with bears. Or, at least, cardboard bear cutouts.



The Affiliate brought home a treat for dinner. Steak and crab legs on the grill make for a good meal. Now, as far as I can find, cats don't eat crab in the wild. You can't tell The Hillock that, though.


To be fair, cats don't eat Skittles in the wild either.

Who do you pray to when your saint is missing? Maybe they can call up a saint from Triple A until Anthony shows up.

Any movie about killing zombies is fine by me. If it has humor, that's even better. "Zombieland" looks to have plenty of both.

Your Put Down the Dead For Good leader.

It's The Time Of The Season For Loving

I've pulled the glass sliver from my foot, and I'm ready to go. (Actually, a co-worker pulled it out, for which I'm very greatful.) Things could always be worse. Please be very careful riding your bikes, and for Hastur's sake quit riding the wrong way down the street!

Everyone's talking about Boston PD using Twitter to tell people if there's a zombie invasion. I don't buy it. There's no need to create panic just because one cop got bitten by a zombie. In fact, it would be irresponsible to tell people about an isolated zombie attack, as it would cause a huge panic. Plus, Beth Israel in Boston has the antidote. I'm told I'm not supposed to talk about the antidote nothing at all. (Thanks to MnObserver for the link)

Anyway, Boston zombies would include some of the great minds of American history, so I wish the Boston PD luck.

I'm not sure what this video is supposed to mean, but the answer is, "Yes, I do like boobs a lot."

He's sorry he said it, but I'm sure he meant it. Metaphorically, of course. Politicians and cops are natural enemies forced to work together, like peanut butter and jelly.

The Twins don't seem to get the concept of the 9 inning game. You only need one more run that the other team. You can't carry over the other 18 runs into any other games. On the other hand, let Joe Mauer keep doing what he's doing.

And though I'm sure they don't need it from me, a quick link to The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, a fabulous podcast about science.

Your New Windows leader.

I'm Stuck Here On The Ground, As Cold And Drunk As I Can Be

Today's post title was inspired by this and the fact that it's 4 AM and pouring outside.

You might have noticed my Twitter feed in the right column. If you've been reading it (and seriously, why?), you might have seen mention of "Ice Tea Guy." Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up. Um, never mind, I'll explain the whole thing.

The other day, I showed The Affiliate this picture:


She looked confused. She didn't get it. I said, "Who's the guy in the picture?" She said, "That's the Iced Tea Guy, right?"

That is, of course, The Kool-Aid Man.

She then tried to backpedal. "I mean the Hi-C Guy." Still, wrong, of course, but at least she was guessing something name-brand. She finally figured it out. Give her some credit. She just got her MBA, and is allowed to not know things as useless as this.

I finally got to the point as to why this picture is, indeed, win. Kool-Aid Man is well known for breaking through walls and yelling, "OH, YEAH!". Someone found an actual broken wall and had the presence of mind to put up this picture and photograph it. Whomever you are, I salute you!

Anyway, I've decided that Iced Tea Guy would not break through walls. Instead, he would come calmly through the door, and yell his catchphrase, "INDEED!" And that's Iced Tea Guy.

So that's some time you won't get back. Time lost. And every second lost brings us all closer to the coming zombie apocalypse. (You just got segued!)

The Chicago Tribune seems to be taking it lightly. (Link via a Norwegian) If you want serious coverage, stick with me. Or with these guys. Unfortunately, the Zombie Attack Preparedness Team shares it's initials with Zombies Are People Too (No link, because they're not). The good Z.A.P.T. (that's the zombie fighting one) was featured on an interesting G4 TV show and looked like they really had the goods. And guns.

Oh, I almost forgot. Iced Tea Guy has a sidekick named Lemonade Dude.

A legitimate update to a story that baffled and amused me while back. They caught the gorilla head bandits! Once again, idiots were brought down by the massive secret police operation that is YouTube.

Did I say massive secret police organization? I meant colossal clandestine constabulary cabal. (I didn't originally mean for that to be alliterative; it just happened.) (Also, that four word phrase has never appeared on the internet before today.)

Your Early Morning Rain leader.

Which One Will You Skate Away On?

Spring is here!

I checked my paycheck today, and clearly the Tea Parties worked. I couldn't find that massive Obama tax increase anywhere.

If you're having a bad day, this site will make you feel better. There's nothing like reading about the misfortune of others. Schadenfreude, you say? Man, those Germans have a word for everything. (c. Homer Simpson.)

If you're looking for the funny, look no further than Teknikal Diffikulties. Spelling aside, this is simply exquisite. Cayenne Chris Conroy manages to put together weekly old-time radio style comedy shows by himself. He writes, performs and produces the whole thing. His is a dry wit, and nerdy as hell, but it's funny. Go back and check out "The Account," a serial show about a journey through what he calls "The Waking World," a world where the familiar is mixed in with the fantastic. I'm still slogging through the extensive archives, and loving every minute of it. Hell, even the guy's updates are entertaining.

Michigan mayor demands ticket. The guy got a warning for 45 in a 40 MPH zone. He demanded a ticket to avoid favoritism. That's pretty cool. If I were him, I'd take it to court just for the irony.

Finally, there's "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." I was going to just try and ignore this, but someone just wouldn't let me. Seriously, I know nothing about literature, so I can't even fake my way through a joke here. Zombies are bad. That is all.

Your Lost For Words leader.

Recap of Last Year

It's Zombie Jesus Day.

Take precautions.

Next To This Mole See The Gaping Hole

UPDATE: Gophers get 10 seed in the East. Way to go, Tubby!

Mischke's back!

Sure, it's a web-stream, but hopefully soon it'll be podcasted so I can download it and listen at work.

Between Dan Savage and now Mischke, City Pages is keeping life interesting. I can forgive losing Tom Tomorrow for now.

Today is just beautiful. I actually opened the windows because I was hot. Awesome.

Not so awesome. First off, if you're contractually obligated to pay a bonus, doesn't that make it just a salary? Secondly, are 400 people really going to jump ship in this economy because they didn't get a bonus? How do you find a new job? "Yes, I caused my last company to be bought out by the U.S. government, and then I left because they didn't reward me for destroying the company. I'm looking for $2.5 million a year and guaranteed bonuses." Finally, if these are the best out there, how does any business survive? Maybe AIG should look into people at businesses that didn't die to replace these folks.

I haven't decided how I feel about this group. I may have to pop in and see just how serious they are. A zombie apocalypse plan for the U of M is a good idea, but it had better be solid.

Go Gophers.

Your On The Bubble leader.

Chill In The Air Cold As Steel Tonight

While this seems like a harmless prank, it is actually quite dangerous.



See, the problem here is that in the case of a real zombie apocalypse, people will ignore the signs warning of impending doom thanks to these not-so-merry pranksters. Also, the chance of Nazi zombies somehow crossing the ocean and menacing Texas is quite low. (Link via DAV,who I'd link to if he had updated within the last 3 months)

Instead, more people should check out this game, The Last Stand 2. To best of a Flash game's ability, it simulates the endless zombie hordes and the skills needed to defeat them. We're trying to get a 10 hour in-service training credit to play this at work, but we're having a hard time of it.

Your Prepared leader.

It's Not Funny, It's Not Fair

There's a new show on NBC called "Kath and Kim." It's supposed to be a comedy. I was a little worried about that when I saw that Molly Shannon was in it. Then I saw the ads, which made me ask, aren't commercials for comedies supposed to make the show seem funny? I caught the first 5 minutes of the first episode (it was recorded on my DVR after "My Name is Earl). Not a single laugh. Not a chuckle. Not a smile. Nothing. NBC is calling it their newest hit, which I suppose is accurate if you define "hit" as any TV show you air. This bothers me because NBC thought better of getting "Scrubs" for the last season and replaced it with utterly unfunny crap. Way to go, NBC executives.

And now for news!

Man names daughter Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak. Against his wife's wishes, apparently. He says he did it to "get the word out." Get the word out that there is a presidential ticket on which someone named McCain and someone named Palin are running? I think that's out there. That you support said ticket? You say you have a lawn sign. That's usually enough. The name has a shelf life of 3 weeks. Ava Grace is a somewhat pretty name (certainly better than other names growing in popularity, like Aschleigheey). My guess is you won't be having any more kids, at least with this wife. If you do, name the next one Jamie American Red Cross, to get the word out about blood donation. You know, something helpful.

Baby Girl Ciptak could always do this, I guess. I hope Ms. Cutoutdissection(dot)com realizes that many websites stop being active and are often bought out by porn dealers. Actually, I hope she doesn't. That would be hilarious.

105 Year Old Credits Long Life to No Sex. We're happy for ya. I'd rather live to 40, thank you kindly.

And, on a soberingly horrible note, there will be another zombie pub-crawl this year. It's Saturday night, in fact, and somehow the walking dead managed to get me off duty that night. There's nothing I can do to protect you. Good luck, Minneapolis. I'll try and clean up the carnage on Sunday. Just hold on for one night. Here are some tips to help you through the horror.

Best of luck.

Your Properly Horrified leader.

Sweet Zombie Jesus

Things have been slow with convention coverage. I did get to watch a 53-6 bee-atching at a high school football game.

This is disconcerting:

(via PZ)

I'm just trying to piss off Bill Donohue. It's not a hobby or anything, but whatever I can do to help.

Your Bored and Tired leader.

Until I Get My Vengance, I Will Never End This Mayhem

This will probably be my last post for a couple of weeks due to douchenozzles who think breaking windows and blowing up cars isn't violence.

Speaking of violence, I'm looking forward to this game. I don't normally like commercials, but every once in a while one tickles me. If you want to make me laugh, take a gangster rap style song and play it in a different style. For example:



In more serious news, I've intercepted a report from a clandestine lab:

On one hand, this could be incredibly scary, especially considering the cat I recently posted about. On the other hand, it is certainly possible that cats always want human flesh. In any case, keep your eyes open.

The DNC is in Denver, so of course in nearby Boulder:

And speaking of the DNC; Your music between speakers sucks. Royally blows. "Celebrate?" "Isn't She Lovely?" Now, the crowd seemed to be enjoying the songs (which made me incredibly sad), but let's spice it up a little. With the recent announcement that the Democratic Party is a "party of faith," maybe Stevie Wonder's "Superstitious" would be a good choice.

And CNN, explain the Noise from the Floor graphic and why it randomly goes up and down independent of the cheers and applause of the crowd. It's really annoying (unless you don't have HD, in which case you are spared).

Your Strained Segue leader.

What's In Your Head?

This picture was brought to my attention by Ganesha at Pubhouse Dialogues:


He thought it might be The Hillock, but clearly this cat is not the size of a small province.

As for the message, summer brings out zombies. Something about the position of the sun and UV rays is amenable to the walking dead. So there's nothing to worry about. Unless the cat lives in the southern hemisphere.

Um, if you live with this cat and you're in the southern hemisphere, please let me know immediately.

I'd also like to take a moment to give belated thanks to Tild for her DiscordianStooge Brand crate label:

Special notice should be given to the "K" on the Golden Apple. That shows deeper knowledge of Discordianism that I would have thought Tild might have. I salute her. Although I don't know where Moe came from there.

Your Kallisti leader.

Zombie Haiku

This is not entertaining at all. It is horrifying and should be investigated.

I Wonder What Would Happen To This World

Sorry about the posting gap. I was preparing for a very dangerous day. You might know it as "Easter." Those in the know call it Zombie Jesus Day. It's like the 4th of July for zombies, when they rise from the dead and people, instead of being properly horrified, think it's some sort of miracle. The zombies then use the feelings of love and wonder to get close enough to feast upon the brains of their former loved ones. It's quite devious on their part.

That link is from a new blog I've found through Brian at Primordial Blog. Despite being a KC Chiefs Fan, this PhillyChief fellow seems to be on his game. For example, from his site:



Top notch advice. And when choosing your weapon, remember to factor in rising gas prices before going with your trusty chainsaw.

It took me a little longer than normal to put down the zombies this year, mostly because of trying to fit wedding planning in between battles. Also, I took time to hit Drinking Liberally and met a young man running for Congress in the 3rd District named Ashwin Madia at the 331 Club.

I was impressed by his candor and ability to not spout slogans. Hell, he impressed Bruce with his answers. He is far more moderate that most of the DL group, whom I am sure were upset he said we can't immediately leave Iraq. He is, however, perfect for the district that is represented by Jim Ramstad. Of course, I can't vote for him, but certain future in-laws of mine can, and I know at least one of them reads this from time to time. If you're in the district, you should check him out. Don't let the (D) scare you away from a good candidate.

Finally, I question the story from these guys. They claim they were hunting gophers with fire, sparking a 160 acre grass fire. My guess is the Canadian government is trying to cover up a bigger problem.

Your Worthless Nonsense? leader.

Important Knowledge To Save Your Life

A quick update that could improve your chances of surviving a zombie attack. (Found Here)



I don't entirely agree with that last one, but it's true that things trying to eat your brains are more horrific when on fire.

Don't add narcs as friends. Or maybe the kids added school administrators, which is even dumber.

We all know high school kids have no rights, but now college-age adults might lose their rights as well.

A freshman at a public university in Minnesota is caught with beer in a dorm room, gets cited for underage drinking and then gets nabbed for possession of marijuana.

Should the deans notify the parents?

The law says they can't, if the student is at least 18 years old, because the state Data Practices Act considers those situations "educational data" and therefore protected from disclosure.

I'm not sure why a minor consumption is "educational data," but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't a university's job to tattle on their students. Will they also tell mommy and daddy if little 20 year old Jayden gets a speeding ticket? Speeding is dangerous too. Maybe the uni should tell the folks if young Ashleigheey showed up at the clinic with the herp, and HIPAA laws be damned. I also wonder if a non-traditional 35 year old's parents would be called when he gets a DUI or busted with a half-ounce of sticky.

"It would be a way for a red flag to come up and for the parents to at least be aware that their son or daughter is having problems," said Marquart, who has a daughter in college.

There's the rub. Rep. Marquart wants to know what's going on with his "little girl." (My guess is he really doesn't want to know, if you know what I mean, and I think you do) Of course, most kids who get caught drinking don't have any sort of problem. They, like a good number of college kids, like to drink. We're expected to believe that every kid who gets caught drinking underage or smoking pot is an addict and has a serious problem. It simply isn't so.

We complain that college grads aren't ready for the real world. Could that possibly be because they aren't allowed to deal with their own consequences? Because their parents remain embedded in their lives well into their twenties?

Hell, a minor consumption ticket is a great way for a kid to figure out how to pay the fine without his/her parent's help, since s/he doesn't want them to know about it. It's a learning experience. To quote Homer Simpson, "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Let our college students learn.

Your Keg Stand leader.

Living Dead Girl

67%

That low score is due to my kindly nature towards other non-undead individuals. Of course, would anyone truly want to survive a zombie apocalypse? Of course not. That's why I always have one extra bullet. (via Mark)

I forgot to do 2 quick book reviews. The first is "I Am America (And So Can You!)" by Stephen Colbert. I read about 20 pages of this, got the joke, and returned it to the bookstore. I like Colbert, and I like his show. I don't watch it often, which is probably why I like it so much. The book, on the other hand, was as unreadable as the Ann Coulter/Glenn Beck/Michael Savage screeds he's lampooning. Which could be viewed as a success, I guess, but doesn't make for a good read. The two best jokes I found were on the front cover ("From the author of "I Am America (And So Can You!)") and the back cover (A warning that there are pirated versions of the book coming out of China, written in poorly translated English). I was really disappointed.

The other book is The Onion's "Our Dumb Planet," an atlas which boasts "30% more Asia" on the cover. The fact that Minnesota is not placed in the Midwest, but is found along with Hawai'i and Alaska as one of the "Bullshit States" is a great bit, but is quickly surpassed by the subtitle for Nicaragua's entry; "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start." Nerd Heaven. I've only gotten to South America, (except for a quick look at an editor's angry entry regarding San Marino), and I can't wait to start reading it again. Not disappointed in the least.

Your I Am Legend leader.