Things: Lots of Things

To say everything has been a whirlwind in the last week is, for me, an understatement.

Since last Thursday, I got to attend the awesome birthday bash at Fenway. There is absolutely no way Millar and Pedro were sober while doing that toast. My favorite line from the toast? "This is getting awkward now, stop looking at me!" - Millar

Sunday, I went apartment hunting, and found an apartment that I loved. Wednesday I got the application approval for said apartment, and last night, I begun packing for my move next Saturday. It's been a lot. I'm a little upside down right now.

But that has nothing to do with sports! And I realized that my poor little blog has been very, very neglected. Let's face it, the past weekend didn't really give me a whole hell of a lot to talk about anyway, unless I wanted to include the phrase 'collapse' (which I didn't), so it was fine not to blog. But this week? Man, they've been pretty spiffy this week, haven't they? They've turned their spiff-dial to 11. Did you know the Sox have a spiff-dial? Well, they do. And it's at 11.

Last night for example... the Sox face the reigning King of the World, Phil Humber. They slapped him around, but good. Who slapped the hardest, you may ask? Salty. That's right, Sodium actually hit two home runs in last night's game! And Asshat? He hit a grand slam! I know, I wouldn't believe me either if I hadn't seen it. He also made some nice plays at third yesterday. Despite Ross being out with a knee injury and Munchkin looking like he was trying to take out his own knee, the Sox came away from this one with a 10-3 win. Doubront was lovely. Tazawa got a save. Trust me, it was fantastic.

Last night not good for you? Wednesday's game wasn't as spiffy (the dial was only set to 5), but it was a win. Dahmer struggled, letting up five runs on ten hits in five innings.... granted, two of those runs were inherited runners that Atch let score, but let's not get bogged down by the details. It should have been a calm game, but it turned into a nail biter. Just one more reminder that the bullpen struggles! Despite the struggles, they did win 7-6 to complete the sweep of the Twins.

I know, you're thinking that wasn't awesome. How about the awesome 11-2 win behind Beckett on Tuesday? The Sox had 18 hits, four of which were from Calviles. Two home runs - Calves and Papi. Doubles from everyone and their grandmother. Twins starter Nick Blackburn only lasted three innings. Granted, Beckett only went six, but he earned that win.

Monday's 6-5 win? On a night where Jon Lester looked like pure crap, the bullpen actually stepped up and secured a win! Morales, Bard, and Sauce combined for two innings of work and... AND they didn't allow a run. It's progress, people! Cody Ross had two home runs! TWO!

So, I think I'll try to get my 100th anniversary pictures up at some point this weekend, because I don't know how much time I'll have next week to post. Although I am disappointed for the Bruins (I still think they did great, they just need work on their power play.... badly), I am happy that my team has had four good games in a row. We needed it. Now we're only 2 games away from .500! Good luck tonight, Daniel Bard.

On a side note, did the White Sox really have Bobby Jenks and John Danks on the same team? Is this hilarious to anyone else? Do you think they'll want Jenks back?

Offense: Downturning

This is my effort to not be overwhelmingly reactionary... but I have to wonder. The Sox have played 12 games, and have won four of them. The ones they won were pretty awesome wins, but the ones they lost were flat out painful. So which is the fluke, the wins or the losses?

We all know this team is incredibly talented, but as we've learned from watching the Yankees in the distance for a while now, combining the most talented players doesn't always make a team. Yet it seems like these guys get along... it LOOKS like they work well as a group, but something's missing. The pitching and the offense, so far, are more often on different pages than they are on the same one. Hell, sometimes I think the pitching is in a completely different book. I'll say more about the pitching staff later.


I'm not going to get bent out of shape about the last two games. As much as it sucks to lose, the Rangers are a good team... but when we've got good teams on the ropes as often as we had the Rangers, we need to be able to deliver. And it's not happening. Truly, Bobby V. looks as stunned as the rest of us feel every time he walks to that mound. Last night, the heart of our order, Munchkin, Ernie, and Ross, went hitless. The bottom of our order, McDonald and Repko and everyone who came in to replace them, also went hitless. So if the middle of your order isn't hitting, and the  bottom of your order isn't hitting, the guys who are hitting are going to be stranded. But what options are there? Pretzels and Crawford are hurt. We're literally looking at a replacement level outfield. What do you do when you have to replace the replacements because they're struggling? You have to go further down the depth chart. It's generally not the most successful practice, and is definitely not a long-term solution. Luckily (hopefully?), it doesn't have to be. Crawford should be back before we know it... but we aren't even sure what we can get from him.

As for the pitching staff... our bullpen is horrible. You can't sugar coat it. The front office messed up with this bullpen. Who do you depend on? Just when it seems like someone is going to step up, they give up a handful of runs. Hell, Melancon was demoted because he was so flat out terrible. How do we remedy this? My guess is that they're not going to replace the whole bullpen, but at least in the recent past, we've always had that one guy who we can count on. Who can we count on right now?

I'm not panicking and I'm not quitting on my team, but it's frustrating watching these games. On the plus side, Beckett looked good and Asshat got his first home run.... so there's that.

I'll try to lower my expectations for Friday.

Red Sox: The Musical

No one really wants me to rehash that 18-3 beatdown, do you? Well, too bad if you do because I don't want to.

Instead, I want to talk about a little project Lauren (from toosoxy.wordpress.com) and I spent the majority of the game discussing.... Red Sox: The Musical!

Picture this... Scene One: Terry Francona asleep at his desk deep within the heart of Fenway Park. The sun rises, Tito wakes up with a big stretch. Music starts playing in the background. Tito brews himself a comically large sized cup of Bigelow green tea and starts in on the song "My Way's The Best Way," an upbeat tune about how the Red Sox will never need another manager. During the song, he alternates between sipping the tea and ripping up pictures of other major league managers he conveniently has sitting on his desk as he declares "My way's the best way for Fenway!" From the doorway, Larry Lucchino is seen watching with his arms folded. Before the song ends, he disappears.

Our hero of the musical, Jason Varitek, enters Tito's office to discuss the lineup for the night. He is informed that due to some struggling at the plate, he's going to be resting for the game later that night and Salty will be catching instead. Tek and Tito start in on a duet titled, "I've Got So Much More To Give."

Scene Two: The locker room after the game. The team has lost and everyone looks miserable. Kevin Millar and Dustin Pedroia lead the song "Cowboy Up," a motivational song that teaches that you CAN have fun playing baseball. Jed Lowrie stands up to try to have fun, injures himself and is traded to Houston before the end of the song. In the spirit of fun, Lackey, Lester, and Beckett sing a quick version of "Hell Yeah, I Like Beer." At the end of the number, Lucchino comes in and informs our favorite team that he's hired Mike Timlin as bullpen coach and has given him a crossbow to keep our pitchers in line. Julio Lugo arrived and he is bludgeoned by the chorus girls (IE - Lauren and myself... and my best friend, Amy, who has been waiting for another chance to pummel Lugo).

Kevin Youkilis sings a basebally version of the old Alice Cooper classic 'Vengeance Is Mine.' He rips out all of his luxuriously flowing hair in anger after striking out six times against the Kansas City Royals. At the end of his song, Lauren gets to appear and they duet a song titled "Love Despite the Rage." Cut to outside on the field at Fenway at night, under a full moon. Salty is sitting alone in the dugout. He too has been struggling at the plate. The catching corps is a mess. He sings the sorrowful tune "Thirty Three" in which he laments the fact that he'll never be like thirty three, despite all the tutelage Jason has provided to him.

I don't really know what else happens in the middle here. I didn't plan that far ahead.

Cut to the second to last scene of the play. It's game 7 of the World Series. John Lackey is the pitcher on the mound (I know, so unlikely but bear with me), and he unsurprisingly surrenders the go-ahead run in the six inning. With a score of 12-11 in favor of the opposing team, the Phillies, the Sox come up to bat. Quickly, we load the bases with two outs. Salty is scheduled to bat, but while walking to the plate, he is tackled by a  runaway Philly mascot and sprains his wrist. Tek is told to go up to bat. He stands at the plate feeling unprepared. The Philly pitcher needs to tie his shoe, so Tek takes the opportunity to look to the sky and ask for guidance. JD Drew's face appears in the clouds (think Mufasa from the Lion King). Jason asks him for advice. Drew announces he's going on the DL.  At that moment, Jason realizes that he's always had the strength inside him. Cue "I've Got So Much More to Give (reprise)." Jason somehow hits a grand slam.

In the dugout, John Lackey sees what just has happened. He sings, "I'll Do The Right Thing" with everyone sitting in the dugout as his backup chorus. He intentionally makes this crazy jerky motion and tears a hamstring. As he writhes in pain, the dugout chorus sways and sings, "We're gonna do the right thing, too! Oh, our fans are overdue!" The team goes out and plays flawless baseball and wins. They swarm the field, carrying all the injured players and sing all together, "Stronger Together," a song about team unity and the value of green tea. Antioxidants, you know.

In the last scene, Jason and Salty are sitting in the clubhouse on a bench talking about the win. Salty tears up, saying that he failed the team when they needed him most and starts singing "Thirty Three" again. Jason stops him and sings "Salty and Thirty Three," a song about how Salty may not ever be Jason, but if he believes in himself, he will carve out his own legacy.

I think that's the ending. Much happier story than last night's game, eh?

Valentine: Stirring Up Trouble In The Hot Corner?

I'm not one to defend Kevin Youkilis, but... really, Bobby Valentine? After the good weekend that Youk had, why are you choosing now to call him out? What kind of manager makes those kinds of comments about his player.

I'll be the first one to jump on the "Youk is done, let's trade him" bandwagon, but I wouldn't ever question his commitment to the game.

From ProJo:

"I don't think he's as physically or emotionally into the game as he has been in the past for some reason," Valentine said. "But [Saturday] it seemed, he's seeing the ball well, got those two walks, said he got his on-base percentage up higher than his batting average, which is always a good thing, and he'll move on from there."

He had a bad start, going 0-12. We all know that. But did anyone think for even a second that Youk wasn't trying? I don't like this strategy by Valentine. I don't like that he's calling his players out for no reason. If there's a legitimate need for him to say something, have at it. There was no need, and I don't like it.

Kevin Youkilis's response:

 "I'm more confused than anything. Everyone knows I go out and play the game as hard as I can. That's just my style of play. I never was blessed with the raw tools like the guys who have got tools, so I've always hard to use playing the game as hard and with full effort my whole life. I don't know any better. That's just the way I play..."

 So for anyone looking for a little clubhouse stability, Bobby V. is here to tell you that even when you have a good game, you are not safe from his unfounded criticism. How long do you think before Bobby loses all the support of the players? You cannot question your players' hearts and not expect them to respect you less.  We all knew Valentine's act would get old. Who thinks it's already gotten there?

Sorry, Blue Jays: We Needed This

I'm sorry that you couldn't win your home opener, Blue Jays, but this win was really important to us. Another season of starting 0-6 would have been too much to bear. Don't hold it against us. What you CAN hold against us is when we inevitably figure out a way to kidnap John Farrell and bring him back to Fenway. That's our manager and you all know it.

Does it surprise anyone that Munchkin lead this charge? I heard a clip of Valentine saying that Pedey was at the park before noon, pacing back and forth and saying that they're going to get it going (or something along those lines. This isn't a direct quote). As Munchkin goes, so goes the team.

I didn't get to actually watch the game, but I was getting updates sent to me. Doubront seems to have done well. That pitch count was a little out of control, and he didn't really go as deep in the game as we probably would have liked, but he must not have been terrible. Did anyone see the game? How did he look? I figure he'll be fine.

Nice to see Sauce has brought that ERA down to a manageable 27.00. Pretzels still has done nothing to contribute. Asshat has done even less, and from what I understand, he spent a lot of time pouting. Sometimes it IS a strike, Kevin. Swing at it or shut up.

Tonight, though. Tonight, I'll be able to watch Daniel Bard's debut for the season. Do I think he's going to succeed as a starter? Not really, but I'll give him the chance to prove me wrong. These Sox love to prove me wrong, so he may throw a no-hitter. But I may have just jinxed that, so by calling the jinx, I unjinxed it, right? I don't know. I'm running on three hours of sleep and sports superstitions sometimes go way over my head. Let's just enjoy putting our first notch in the win column, huh?

Get Ready: Twenty-Six Hours Till Opening Day

I'm excited. Of course I am! What actual baseball fan isn't? I'm excited, but I'm not sold. I guess I just have to prepare for letdown, but God help that team if they lose the first twelve games of the season. More like God help my blood pressure...

Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Kelly Shoppach (from here on out, Shoppy) at catcher? Neither one is Varitek, so I am automatically unenthused. I guess 'Not Being Tek' is unfair criticism. Neither one of them had a say in the matter. I like to believe if they did, they would have chosen to be Tek. It will, however, be interesting to see what Salty will bring to the table after working under the tutelage of my favorite player. If I'm being honest (which, when it comes to Tek, I don't necessarily feel like I need to be), if either one of them can throw out base runners consistently and hit .240, I'll survive.

Ernie does not concern me at all. Nor does Munchkin. They'll be wonderful!

Mike Aviles at short? I don't know. Does having large calves make one a better shortstop? Can I call him Calviles? I don't know. I guess we'll find out.

Youk at third? Let's see if he can stay healthy. He's been pretty fragile lately.

Outfield. Besides Pretzels, do we HAVE outfielders? I think once Crawford returns from the wrist injury, he'll be worlds better than he was last year. Till then? Not at all sure what to expect from left and right, but if Pretzels is in center, I guess that'll be fine.

Papi? He's Papi. Come on now.

Pitching staff? Excuse my while I do my ostrich impression and bury my head in the ground. I'm not even sure I WANT to look. Bum thumbs and DUIs do not a great pitching staff make. There's no way it's going to be as bad as it was last year. John Lackey is on the DL, so it absolutely cannot be that bad.

I like baseball, so I'm going to enjoy the season... I just might not be pleasant about my enjoyment, so don't be surprised if you see a lot of overreactions like the one about Beckett's thumb. I'm not really THAT insane. It's just a little venting, is all.

Tomorrow, one o'clock. Opening Day. Palpable excitement!

Red Sox Enemy #1: Daniel Bard

Dramatic and extreme? You bet. But right now, I sort of hate Daniel Bard's face, considering that he's been single handedly responsible for three Red Sox losses in the month of September. Some advice for Daniel: You throw 100 f***ing miles per hour. Stop throwing balls in the dirt, asshat! Alternately: The strike zone. Figure it out. Watching one of our best relievers come in and throw 9 balls in his first ten pitches is unbelievably aggrivating. Why? Why does this happen? Why didn't Tek stop it?

Mudpie actually pitched ok! I mean, I didn't enjoy watching him pitch, but he did well enough to leave with a lead! Also, I've got to put the blame on Francona, too. Bard's been shit this month. We're in a pennant race. When you see that he's got NOTHING, maybe it's time for a quick hook, huh? I understand that you've got to let your pitchers pitch and sometimes they have to work themselves out of their own troubles, but he literally could not pitch or field. Daniel did not show up ready to play, and if he's not focused, then I don't want him on my field while we're trying to hold the wild card.

Dwelling isn't going to do me any good. Posting while I'm still filled with irrational hate doesn't do you guys any good. Papi's out with spasms, Ernie left with a cramp (seriously, guys, time to play through a little bit of pain!), and we didn't have a baserunner for the last three innings of the game. Youkilis has been less than useless since his return, though I give him credit for playing through pain. No one on the team had more than one hit, with the majority of them going hitless. The fielding in this one was terrible on both ends, though Tek did make an amazing play at the plate. Not like it mattered, we still lost. How do you go from plating 18 runs the night before to the offensive 'performance' they put on yesterday afternoon? I don't get it. Someone tell the boys that it's July again and maybe they'll play better.

Pedroia Is The Show: Everyone Else Is A Background Character

You know I would never take away from the importance of Beckett, but if it weren't for MC Laser Show, we would have been lost. No... wait, we would have lost, not would have been lost. He drove in three of the four runs we gathered on the night, with Tek driving in the other one. Strangely, both of them made outs at second base after RBI singles, so that was dumb. I don't like having so many baserunners thrown out trying to stretch singles into doubles. Especially Tek. Tek, darling, you can't run. It's not worth trying!

Beckett actually did get on my nerves yesterday. His first inning was a tad sketchy. His second inning was beautiful and ended with an easy-to-manage pitch count. But the third? Meh. All he had to do was hold the lead they gave him, and that's the one thing he failed to do. Overall, he could have been far worse. Three runs in seven innings with four strikeouts and no walks against one of the worse teams in baseball is nothing to sing songs about, but it'll do. 110 pitches in seven innings also isn't the best we've gotten out of him. Again, I'll limit my nugacious complaints because we won the game. Had we lost, heads would be on chopping blocks.

So, news is that Youkilis is now on the DL with a severe case of suck (which they kindly referred to as 'back trouble,' but we all know) and David Ortiz is down with a case of 'needing a vacation' which they covered up by calling it bursitis and putting him in a boot, so the Sox decided that we needed an offensive boost. Granted, they're about three weeks late to that party, but they called up Ryan Lavarnway to pump up our boys. He may not have gotten a hit last night, but I think he put the fear of God into Tek. Our old man catcher was hustling, for sure. Guess he wants to keep his job. Not gonna lie, I want him to keep it, too. It's got to be hard seeing the ghost of Christmas future hanging out in the dugout.

The Sox ended up with nine hits for the night, matching their hit total from the past three games. Thanks for waking up a little, bats. You're going to need to be fully caffeinated with Andrew Miller on the mound tonight, and I demand that by the time Wakey takes the mound on Saturday that you've gotten your shit together. Really, I don't ask for too much, do I?

Jonny Saves The Day: Because He Is Awesome

I love Jon Lester. I've always loved Jon Lester, and watching him pitch well? That makes everything sunshine and rainbows. Believe it or not, I actually got to watch this one... which was good because I didn't get to see his first start back from the DL and I've missed seeing him. It was nice to have a night to myself that I could spend watching baseball.

There's a small nagging thought in the back of my mind every time Jon Lester starts a game that leaves me believing he'll throw a no-hitter. Without fail, every time he pitches, I get this thought, and there's always this moment of great disappointment when he gives up that first hit. At least in this one, the first hit got taken care of relatively early with a harmless second inning double so my delusions of no-hit goodness were dashed quickly and I could still enjoy a tremendously well-pitched game.... at least on our side.

To be fair, this was a tense game through four innings. Through four innings, only four baserunners had reached base (a double, a walk, and two singles)... and then there was the fifth inning where the Sox were able to put four on the board, giving Jon Lester the only run support he would need. Maybe if they had given some of those runs to Wakey, we could have won TWO games instead of one. Just saying. The fifth inning went like this: Crawford single, Salty double, Reddick single, Scutaro sac fly, Pretzels single, Munchkin sac fly, Ernie IBB, and Youkilis single. In one inning, we managed to exceed the previous offensive output for the game. I love when that happens. Only when it's in our favor, though.

The ninth was another one of those awesome innings, and the boys managed five more (yes, Scoots drove in an eighth inning run, but not important). Ernie and Youk went back-to-back with home run goodness. There were doubles, there were singles, and there was just good times all around. I'm a big fan of good times.

Man, so far behind. If I have time tomorrow, I'll write about my disappointment with Miller and (ugh!) Mudpie, and I'll wax poetic about how I think I'll react to Wake winning his 200th game, and ramble about how much I love Josh.... only if I have time, though.

Midget King Strikes Again: Also, Papi Slams Royals

Some days, it's really difficult to come up with a stupid title for my posts. Some days, I can stare at the blank little line for literally twenty minutes thinking "There is nothing worth turning into a title. Why is there nothing worth turning into a title?!" And then I get frustrated and write something stupid that leaves me shaking my head. Not today. Today we've got a plethora of highlights to go over. Hint: Two of them are mentioned in my title today. Alright, kids, take out your notebooks and get ready to take notes.

First off, let's start with the Lackey Pledge, a campaign of sorts bravely started in an effort to give Mudpie the warm fuzzies whenever he takes the Fenway mound. Lauren's got the right idea, and I encourage all of you to make your own version of the Lackey pledge and stick with it. Here's mine:

I, Jup, do solemnly pledge to only curse the name of John Lackey on occasions which he truly deserves the ridicule. These occasions, moments in which he has surpassed the 'Lackey Limit,' are still subject to cursing, threat-making, object-throwing, defenestration, and general unpleasantness. All other occasions are subject to quiet murmuring about how one John Lackey shouldn't be allowed to pitch with that face.

Pledge done. Even crappy pitchers deserve to not be pelted with tomatoes once in a while I guess.

Onto baseball! So Mudpie still sort of sucked, but I don't care because our offense showed up again, so we don't even have to discuss the pitching today! YAY! (Actually, boo, because I like pitching, but you know) To start... MC Laser Show at it again, extending that hitting streak to 24 games and spreading general badassery towards all aspects of his game. Another three hits, to go along with his four from last night. If I were an opposing pitcher, I'd be terrified of Pedroia right now. If only he had gotten that home run last night. Sigh.

In the 'ok fine, I'll give you credit' category, Pretzels also had a fine night at the plate, going 3-for-4 with a 1st inning lead-off home run, a walk to bring in a run, and a double. Pretzels, in case you did not know, is batting .325. And he's got 17 home runs. Aren't those two signs of the Apocalypse? I think they are. Keep an eye out for horsemen.

And then there's Papi. Our lovable big man only had one hit last night, but that hit was grand. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yes, a fourth inning grand slam. It was crushed, and if you didn't know it was out right off the bat, then you weren't paying attention. This, of course, is the best way to record your 1,000 RBI as a member of the Sox. 1,000 RBIs for Papi. The number's mindblowing if you think about it, and he joins a pretty elite club of Yaz, Teddy Ballgame, Jim Ed Rice, Dewey, and Bobby Doerr. I don't have a fun nickname for Bobby Doerr. Sorry. Think about how many of those RBIs were in critical moments... how many of them gave us leads, how many of them tied the game in late innings when we needed him the most. Just think of how many of them are against the Yankees. I love Ortiz, and all he has done for the Sox during his nine year career. Congratulations on 1,000 well-loved and very-appreciated RBIs, Papi.

More offensive 'props' (as the kids would say) to Ernie, whose three hits for the night brought his average up to .351. That's a pretty number, but it's about 49 points lower than I would like it to be. You've got two months, big guy. Get going on that, ok? Also, Youkilis stole a base. You literally do not see that every day. He now has 2 SB's for the season. Ronald and Yamaico each had a pair of hits. Production from the bottom of the order is important when your top three hitters are as hot as Pretzels, Munchkin, and Ernie. Offense is fun when it's coming from our guys.

This afternoon, in yet another attempt by the universe to keep me from witnessing the sheer glory of watching Beckett pitch, Josh will be taking on the guy that Lester threw the no-hitter against. Yup, Beckett vs. Hochevar. If I have time, I might live-blog... but I don't want to make any promises.

Speaking of promises, I completely forgot to put up those Celebrity Putt-Putt pictures. Will someone please remind me to post those when I get home?

Wake Wins 199: 185 With Sox

On top of recording his 2,000th strikeout, making small children laugh, and being the happy grandfatherly face of the franchise since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, Tim is now one win away from #200. He's a mere eight wins away from that record that I talk about all the time. I cannot allow myself to imagine a scenario in which he does not reach this goal. He HAS TO get there, doesn't he? If it's not a law, it should be. Somebody get going on that, ok?

This one looked like it was going to get real ugly early with Timmy getting beat up pretty well in the first. He was lucky to only have given up two runs, and he was even luckier that his team wanted to score runs. The tiniest part of me feels bad for the Mariners, but we need every win we can get. Their first inning, two run lead lasted approximately five minutes, give or take a couple. Their rookie was NO mystery to the Sox in the first, who batted around and recorded five runs while barely breaking a sweat.

Get it? Because it was so fricken hot on Friday and Saturday and Sunday wasn't as bad? Comedic gold, I know. That's what they pay me for, ladies and gentleman.

Youkilis had a home run.... Pretzels, Crawford, Reddickulous, and Muddy Chicken all had doubles. Every starter in the lineup recorded a hit except Scutaro. MC, Papi, and Scoots are the only three starters who didn't have RBIs. Let's be honest for a minute... I don't want to recount every run, and you guys already know what happened, so you don't need to re-read it.

The highlights are that Wake got the win, Aceves continues to be priceless out of the pen, and no one died of dehydration on the field. It's a win for all, right? No, it's a win for Tim. Don't try to take his credit.

Tonight, we welcome back my boy Jonny Lester to face the Royals. I've missed Jonny.... but unfortunately I won't be able to watch the game. Someone should let me know how he looks out on the mound. My guess is 'awesome' but I don't want to show my prejudices just yet....

Rock Bottom: Mariners Can't Beat Lackey. Why?

Once again, Mudpie turns in a nice little pitching performance on a night that I am not in the park. What will it take to get him to pitch that well on a night that I'm at Fenway? Because let's face it, I already know that he'll probably be pitching the next game I go to, and I would like to see a win. Just giving you advanced warning, Mudpie, so you can have all the extra time to come up with new ways to disappoint me.

Offense is key though, people. Good pitching is important, but you can't win a game if you don't score any runs. Luckily, the offense brought some of their run producing bats and were able to get the job done on Friday. After Mudpie allowed a run in the first, Youkilis was able to get said run right back with an RBI single. Two innings later, Pretzels put us on top to stay with a solo home run. Is it weird to anyone else that he has 16 home runs? Why does he have 16 home runs? I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with that.

It looked like a nailbiter of a game with a one-run lead going into the bottom of the seventh... and then it almost turned into a laugher, and then it went back to save situation.... yeah, one of THOSE games. I wasn't entirely sure what my anxiety level was supposed to be by the time Pap came in for the ninth. A five-run seventh gave us a 7-1 lead (thanks largely to Ernie, Youkilis, and Papi), and then a 3-run Mariner home run cut that lead to 7-4. I will not fault Morales for the 3-run homer this time, but let's not make a habit of this, eh Franklin?

Besides, it didn't matter. It was still a relatively comfortable win for a majority of the time, especially with a nice clean inning from Pap. It's now three days later and I still haven't figured out what my anxiety level should be, so there's that. On to game two of the series!

Winning For Weiland: Wild Weekend Winds Down

I was wondering how many 'w's I could fit in my title and still have it make some kind of sense. The answer was six. Go ahead and count if you don't believe me.

This was another insane, weird game. Our rookie pitcher gets ejected in the fifth inning for hitting a batter? Umps, come on. I know you had warned the benches in an effort to avoid any more brawling, but the kid was a rookie who had already given up six runs. Do you really think he did that intentionally? I think nerves and a lack of command were more the culprits than intention, don't you? Oh, you don't? That's why you ejected the itty bitty baby pitcher from his first major league start before he could finish the fifth inning in a game where his team had literally just gotten him the lead and he would have been in line for his first big league win? I see. Alright then.

The second inning was a little... eh, we'll go with shaky. It wasn't all Weiland (whose name gives me an overwhelming urge to call him Scott, much like the front man of the Stone Temple Pilots, but I digress); the fielding was pretty shaky. I'm not blaming anyone in particular for the six runs in the second inning, but I don't think Kyle was as bad as the box score shows. There were some nerves, there were some badly played balls, and there was some pretty crummy luck. I hope he can bounce back from this because I did see some promise for him.

And, oh, offense. I'm surprised Showalter's boys didn't hit more of our batters after we scored that eighth run off of them. I know their kid, Gonzalez, threw behind Papi, but David kept his cool and Mike Gonzalez got ejected. That was a stupid play. Your team is losing in a close game, and you're going to get ejected because what? You want to keep trying to make that point that no one else on the Orioles has been able to make? Like David said, "Situations happen. I guess people make their own decisions, so whatever." Whatever is right, Papi.

Oh yeah, offense. That's what I started writing about. Down 6-2 heading to the bottom of the second, Scutaro and Munchkin both hit solo shots, and Youkilis hit a 2-run shot to tie it up. Guthrie, now pitching for the O's, walked Papi to force in the winning run in the 4th. Pretzels added an RBI single in the seventh, and that would do it for the scoring.

Other props to Alfredo Aceves, who earned the win after Weiland came out of the game. He tossed three innings of no-hit ball, then Bard and Paps closed it out. And that was that. In four games, we outscored the O's 32-13? I think that sounds right. Way to show us who's boss, Orioles.

Lackey Doesn't Suck: But Only When I'm Not At The Park

Is it petty of me to be a little annoyed that he pitched so well? I mean, I know it was the Orioles and all, but I've been in attendance for the two starts at Fenway prior to this, and he was atrocious. Knowing that he's CAPABLE of pitching that well makes me angry that he doesn't do it when I'm wasting my money. /bitterness.... but not really.

Good ol' Buck Showalter... oh man, you and your team need to calm yourselves. Honestly, trash talking with nothing to back it up makes you look really bad. This is what Show had to say about Lackey after the game:

"I thought the key was we didn't do much against Lackey, and it seems like a lot of the American League has," said O's manager Buck Showatler. "So hats off to him, but we expected a little bit offensive output tonight."

That just reeks of bitchiness, doesn't it? Am I reading this wrong, or did he essentially say that everyone knows Mudpie sucks and he's surprised they didn't score a ton of runs off of him? Buck, he might be Lackey, but you're still the Orioles! Get back in the basement and be quiet, ok?

We gave them a chance. The offense didn't explode for eight runs in the first again. We scored less than eight runs in the entire game, and we gave them Mudpie to tee off on, but they couldn't. They couldn't do anything with Mudpie, or Bard, or Papelbon. Our offensive contribution for the night was a triple and four doubles, three of which scored runs. Pretzels tripled while Youkilis, Reddick, and Munchkin doubled. We were nice enough to keep the ball in the yard.

I feel like this post has taken a very snarky, anti-Orioles turn. Again, I'm not anti-Orioles. I love the Orioles. Really, I'm just anti-Kevin Gregg and anti-Buck Showalter running his mouth about how much he hates the Red Sox. Also, I take offense to his comments about Mudpie. Weird, right? It's sort of like, I can say anything I want about my family and that's fine, because they're my family, but you are NOT allowed to talk negatively about them. I never EVER thought I would compare Mudpie to a member of my family. I must not be feeling well. I think I'm going to lie down...

Soggy Pretzels: Jacoby Excels In Rainy Game

I give Pretzels a lot of grief. I call him soft and claim that half of his body is made of marshmallows. I constantly berate him for being an overrated fielder and yell at his image on my TV that he's useless if he's not stealing bases. I am not nice to Pretzels. I don't have to be, and I'm not going to change. But today? Today he gets a break from the abuse, because he had one hell of a game last night, and I am not above giving him credit when he earns it. He went 3-for-5 (including his third lead-off home run of the season), stole a base, and played pretty solid defense.... even if his best play of the night didn't count because the umpires are ridiculous and didn't bother to let anyone know that time had been called. It's a shame. His catch against the wall, and pinpoint accurate throw back into the infield was delightful. It should have counted. Well played, Pretzels.

The other story was Grandfather Tim(e) himself. Yes, Timothy notched career win #198, improved his record to 5-3, and put in a quality start by all definitions of the term. More importantly to me, he got Red Sox career win #184, putting him in a position where he only needs eight more wins to tie Cy, and nine more wins to move passed him... and that other guy who I don't like to talk about. I want to see him in sole possession of that record when it's all said and done. Nine more wins... two and a half months left to the season. Does he have nine more wins in him this season? Better yet, will he have enough starts to try to earn those nine wins? If my bake sale plan goes through, he will. We just have to get John Lackey out of the rotation so we can keep Wakefield in. Right now, between the two of them, it's an absolute no-brainer who deserves the job.

Overall, it was a pretty decent offensive night. Ricky Romero has his problems with the Sox, and he just can't seem to shake them, but I'm not complaining. Everyone in the starting lineup had a hit, except Ortiz and Scutaro... who could easily be replaced with JJ Hardy. It's just an observation. Hardy is trade bait right now. Back on point, it's nice to score six runs on a night that Ernie is riding the pine with a sore neck. I will not bemoan him the day off as he has played in every game this season up until last night. I mean, sure, the ASB starts in four days... but no bemoaning here. Navarro, Ronald, and Youkilis combined to put as many RBIs on the board as Pretzels put up himself (3), and we had a nice three-run cushion heading into the ninth inning... only after sitting through a 40-minute rain delay. What's a game without a rain delay or two?

But oh, Papelbon. It seems you have the same problem with the Jays that Romero has with the Sox. You see them in the opposing dugout and you start to suck. It's a terrible affliction, and I suggest therapy to get over it. Paps had me holding my breath and cursing his name at the same time. I think there might have been an armageddon if he had blown this game, because I'm really rooting hard for every possible Wakefield win. Every single one, Paps. So just a friendly suggestion... you might want to pull your sucky shenanigans on other pitchers. Like Lackey. He doesn't ever deserve to win anyway. I guess you could try pulling that on Beckett, but I assume he'd put an end to that pretty quickly on his own. If Dice ever pitches another major league game, pull your garbage on him. But not Tim. You leave Tim's leads alone, y'hear? He's got milestones to reach!

Texas Cookies: Rewards For A Good Weekend

I've given Timlin the weekend off from his spine-punching duties. He's had to work pretty hard lately, so I figure the least I could do is not have him punch spines after a sweep. Unfortunately, I already know that after the Jays series, he's going to be right back to work.

Jason is still way WAY in the lead, and it doesn't look like he's going to relinquish that lead any time soon. I promised right from the start that I would be biased toward him, so don't act surprised.

Varitek - 65 cookies - plus six for his efforts in game three
Munchkin - 41 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus three for game 1 RBIs
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Beckett - 30 cookies - plus six for finishing the sweep
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Youk - 23 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus six for playing effectively through an injured ankle
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch
Lester - 11 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Ernie - 10 cookies - plus 3 for game 1 RBIs
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Yamaico Navarro - 1 cookie for his first ML home run
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches

Beckett: Swoon.

That's all I have to say about Josh. He didn't swoon; he makes me swoon with his pitches and his grumpiness and his lack of chin. For people like Posada, it's laughable, but it works for Beckett. He uses the facial hair well to craft a shadow chin. Now that I've established how much I love Josh, I will be up front and say I haven't watched this game yet. I pretty much haven't been home for two days, so I recorded it, but I didn't get to see it yet. Don't tell me what happened, guys. I want to see it for myself.

I knew we won, and I knew the final score, but I don't know how that score happened, so I'm going to live-blog my reaction to going over the recap of the game! Let's go!

Ok, my initial reaction is that they need to find a picture of Josh that doesn't make him look constipated. I know it's his pitching face, but I think a picture of the scowl would work just as well, don't you? How about a stare-down? Josh likes to stare. I've seen him do it. There are so many better pictures of our little All-Star. I know! I have about a hundred of them. Alright, let me move passed the picture in the front and check the box. Huh. Each team had six hits? Before scrolling down, I can see that since Joshy got the win, and the Sox didn't score the winning run till the ninth inning, he must have stayed in the game a good long while.... but we'll get there. I want to look at the hitters' stats first.

Youk is the only one credited with an RBI? There must have been a double play in there somewhere. That's slightly irksome, but nothing I can do about it now. Let's see... two hits for Pretzels... oh yeah, that's what I'm calling Ellsbury from now on since he's made of pretzels and marshmallows. I didn't want to forget, because I'm going to stop using CRW. It's all Pretzels from here on out! Anyway, Munchkin was on base three times (one hit, two walks), Ernie also walked twice. Ooh! Tek got a hit. That's pretty awesome. I feel like his batting average has been respectable for an aging backup catcher, don't you? He's getting a hit once every four at-bats. You can't argue with that math. Hey, apparently that hit was a double! That's pretty cool. Showing some power there, Jason? Nice.

Let's move on to pitching. Oh, Joshua, look at your line! It's beautiful! 8 IP 5H 1ER 0BB 11K? That's just fantastic. There are cookies in your future, dearest. Chocolate chip bacon cookies. You seem like you'd enjoy them, and trust me, they're pretty darn good. Paps seems to have had a nice inning too, but I'm not going to give him cookies because I don't want to. I love how I am completely ignoring the Astros' side of the stat page. It doesn't hold any relevance for me.

Now a quick visit to the play-by-play page so I can see how all three runs in the game were scored. So that double play I thought existed? It didn't. Jason (oh, how I love him!) reached on a force attempt and a run scored because Brett Wallace messed up. I'm not complaining about it, I just wish Tek could have gotten an RBI for that. I feel he should have one. I guess to make up for it, in the bottom of the fifth, Wallace doubled and was driven home by Angel Sanchez to tie the game. Boo! Do. Not. Like. Now to the ninth... Kevin Youkilis walked in a run? Really? That's got to be painful for Houston. Walking in the winning run in the ninth? Ouch. Hey, I'll take it, but that's not a pretty way to win. Luckily, like I say all the time, there are no style points in baseball.

Well, I'm happy, and I very much look forward to watching this game. I love watching wins. It's so much more fun that watching John Lackey... who I will angrily get to in a little while. I've got cookies to hand out first...

It's Miller Time: And Other Completely Overused Expressions

Let's be truthful here. Saturday's game should have been out of hand in our favor WAY before the eighth inning. There was a lot of squandering, and I never approve of squandering. It started right in the first inning, folks. We had Happ on the ropes from the get-go, lacing three singles in between a pair of walks. It was a delicious, fully-loaded single sandwich (with no pickles), but I guess Salty doesn't like sandwiches because he all but threw it away and then Ronald helped him by closing the lid to the trash bin. We may have gotten three runs out of the deal, but there should have been more. I personally LIKE sandwiches and disapprove of Salty's apparent distaste for them. I'm trying not to dwell. Moving on!

Miller was decent. I'm not going to harp on the few mistakes he made because he is still essentially an itty bitty baby pitcher in a big leager costume. Aside from the first, there really wasn't an inning that he got himself into trouble. The seven hits he gave up seemed to be spread out enough that they weren't concerning. The two runs he allowed didn't put us in a position that I felt that the game was in danger. It was a fairly relaxing game, as far as baseball games go. I appreciate that, Miller. Thank you.

Munchkin drove in another run in the fifth, Yamaico Navarro hit his first home run ever in the big leagues in the seventh (Yay, Yamaico!), and then came the eighth. Knowing how Salty dislikes sandwiches, the guys decided to set up just a plain old single spread and they loaded the bases with no outs. Apparently, he wasn't a fan of that either, but he didn't double-play it this time. He settled for a sac fly. In an effort to save the inning, Ronald hit a 3-run shot out to the train. In case you don't know where the train is, it is far from home plate. I don't know how far, but far. Youkilis added one more run in the ninth for good luck, but I didn't see it because I shut off the TV as soon as Jenks came into the game in the bottom of the 8th. I had no desire to see any of that, even though he supposedly did well.

With those ten runs, the Sox took game two from the Astros and made us forget just a little about how bad they've played during this road trip. Hold on tight, boys and girls, because we've only got one interleague game to go! Try not to cry too much.

Mostly Spine Punches: But Still, A Few Cookies

After the last nine games, going 3 and 6, I was absolutely prepared to just spine punch everyone. Funny how one little win lightens my mood so much. The only one who is getting punched is Bobby Jenks, and you know he deserves it.

Since Mike Cameron is not on the team any more, he's being removed from the cookie list. I'm sorry, Mike, but you have to make it to the end of the season to get your cookies. Again, I wish you well. Here we go.

Varitek - 59 cookies - 12 cookies for participating in the It Gets Better Project, and six for the two home runs in game three.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Youk - 17 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - also gets twelve for the IGBP.
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch - Nice participation, Tito. Also, thanks for getting Jenks out before it was too late.
Lester - 11 cookies - plus six for pitching one hell of a game
Crawford - 10 cookies
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Ernie - 7 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch - plus three for finishing the ninth
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches - -1 cookie, plus three spine punches for being worthless.

Red Sox Agree: It Gets Better

For those who want to see the video that the Red Sox put together to support the "It Gets Better Project" and the "Trevor Project," go on and click right here. I wish I could embed the video, but that little elf Bud Selig won't let me.

It's great to see the Red Sox tossing in their support for these worthy projects. You can read about the "It Gets Better Project" by going to itgetsbetter.org. While you're there, you can pledge to do your part to end hate and intolerance in your community. Having grown up with plenty of friends in the LGBT community, I fully support this cause. It does get better. I've seen it get better. Nice job, Red Sox. And way to give me more reasons to love you, Tek!