Theo: Screws Us Again

Chris Carpenter. It took months to agree for the Cubs to send us Chris Carpenter as compensation for our jerk of a former GM.

And now? Now Chris Carpenter is going to have elbow surgery. And will be out indefinitely. Thanks a lot, Theo, you jackass.

It's not bad enough that Theo signed a bunch of really terrible contracts with guys like John Lackey. It's not enough that he bolted to the Cubs after the worst collapse the Sox have ever suffered. It's not enough that he took complete advantage of our front office (though I blame them more than him for that) in the whole negotiation process for compensation. Now, the compensation we did get is injured, so we essentially got no compensation at all. As if I needed another reason to dislike Theo.

In other news, Jed Lowrie is hurt. Again. Reports coming out of every part of the country say that no one is surprised, and we're all shocked he lasted this long without spraining or breaking something.

Opening day was yesterday. Happy belated opening day, all! Today, in game two of the season, Josh Reddick hit a home run for Oakland that had them sitting pretty atop Seattle the last time I checked. I could check now and see what the final was, but I don't care that much. Because the real opening day is not for another week. Literally, one week from now, we have real, stat-affecting baseball! I can't believe it, either. And just 15 days from now, Opening Day at Fenway. I can't wait. I really cannot wait. If I find a way to fast forward time, I'm doing it. I don't care what special events or important occassions anyone else has in the next 15 days. You're skipping them. Sorry.

In just one week, Jon Lester will take the hill for the first time this season. The anticipation is killing me.

Lowrider: Astro?

Farewell Lowrider. We hardly knew ye. Mostly because you couldn't stop hurting yourself and you didn't really get a chance to play. Your future now includes a trip to Houston with your (hopefully) buddy Kyle Weiland. I always felt bad for Weiland. He struggled every time he seemed to pitch for us. I might have been imagining that, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Parting with Lowrie does not surprise me. He couldn't show them what he needed to show them in order to become the shortstop of the future. Weird, now he's actually a shortstop of the future (get it? Because the Astros are a futuristic team? Is that funny? I don't think it's as funny in print as it was in my head. Sorry). Regardless, I don't think this is going to make his BFF-MVP runner up very happy. You know Lowrider was the only one Jacoby actually liked by the end of the season... if you are willing to believe what the media tells us. I'm not. Well, sometimes I am, but not in this case.

Melacon will be shipped to us as payment for these fine baseball players that we've provided to them. He seemed to have put up pretty good numbers last year, with the caveat being that it was for the Astros. Is he supposed to be our new closer? I don't know if I'm comfortable with putting the fate of my baseball games in the hands of a former Yankee.

Whatever. I don't honestly care about Lowrider and Weiland getting traded. I'm still in mourning over the possible end of Varitek's Sox career. I wish them well, but that's really the best I can do right now. Good luck in Houston, guys.

Varitek Triples: Doesn't Fall Apart

I was in the car listening to the game on the radio. It was the top of the fifth in a scoreless game. Jon Lester had just, minutes before in the bottom of the fourth, given up his first hit of the game, so my dream of another KC no-hitter was dashed. I was feeling a little grumpy at the thought that it was the fifth inning and we still didn't have a single run against Kansas City. And then it happened.

Joe Castiglione started shouting. The ball was over right fielder Jeff Francoer's head. It was rolling to the wall! It got stuck under the wall and Tek was on his way to third as Jed Lowrie had already had time to get home and take a nap. Jason Varitek had collected himself an RBI triple.

Do you know how rare it is for Jason to hit a triple? Very. I know triples are rare in general, but in Tek's fifteen seasons in the bigs (yes, I count his one game in 97 as a year in the bigs), he's had 14 triples. He hasn't hit one since 2007, though he did have three that year. I know, I couldn't believe it either. From 2000 to 2005, he collected exactly one triple per season. In comparison, in the same span of years, David Ortiz has 16 triples. In six seasons, Munchkin has seven triples. In five seasons, Pretzels has 21. Slow guys don't hit as many triples as fast guys. THAT is a true story, so I am always more impressed with a Tek triple than a Pretzels triple.

Aside from that very cool play, we had the usually wonderful pitching of Jonny Lester to love and admire. He wasn't as sharp as he could have been, laboring through six innings and actually allowing more walks than strikeouts. That doesn't happen often. It's happened two other times this season (April 1st against Texas and August 10th against Minnesota), and both other times it has happened, Jon's lost the game. This time, however, he won. Thirteen wins on the season for our boy Jonny. Six runs of support on the board. That's what I like to see.

Ronald and Crawfish broke out the home run power, each collecting a solo shot for the night. In the 8th, Ernie, Lowrider, and the new kid combined to put three on the board. Yup, the new kid collected his first RBI (please keep in mind, Saturday DID NOT happen. Thank you.) I'm proud of him. I love to see the kids do well.

So the offense woke up a bit this weekend. Lester, Miller, and Beckett were able to collect wins to give us a series victory and... well, we won't talk about Saturday's game still. Somehow, through all of this, we've stayed tied with the Yankees. I wish that I could still say the same today. Next post, I discuss why the offense went back to sleep in Texas and theorize what thoughts are running through Erik Bedard's head when he's on the mound. Stay tuned.

Invisible Offense: Sox Do Nothing

Aside from solo home runs from my darling Jason and the suspicious Pretzels, we had nothing. In eighteen innings yesterday, the boys managed six hits, and three of them were home runs. The other three were singles. There's a problem here. I know Papi is sick (and I hope he gets well soon!) and I know Youkilis is all sore and grumpy for whatever reason, but six hits in eighteen innings? Come on, boys, you're far too talented for that.

I wanted a happy post here, because Lowrider, Munchkin, and Ernie worked together in the fourth inning to record a triple play. A triple play! Do you know how rare triple plays are? I should have been able to write about how awesome it was, and what a great job everyone did to make sure we won on a night where the defense managed a motherfreakin' triple play but I CAN'T! Because aside from the triple play and the two home runs every other moment of this game was useless to me! Bedard recorded a quality start but couldn't get any run support and lost the game. Jeff Niemman collected ten strikeouts from our lineup! TEN! That's more than our collective total of baserunners for the entire day.

I'm trying not to get annoyed, but I'm sure you can clearly see that I am failing that goal. Everyone on the team needs coffee. Lots and lots of coffee since they are obviously falling asleep at the plate. I can provide them with said coffee as I have a source at a coffee distribution center. This can happen. Where do I deliver the magical caffinated beans? Because I don't want to watch the boys sleep any more. We've only got a month and a half left to the season, and I loudly request that we don't end the season the way we started it. The way to avoid that? Coffee. Obviously.

I'll get on it. For now, start praying that Mudpie manages a good game, because we're .5 games out of the division lead, and I'm not comfortable here in second place.

Brewers Series: Cookies. Lots of Cookies.

I've got many, many pictures of Pedroia
It helps that Munchkin earned cookies this week, otherwise having him head the post would be silly, wouldn't it? Everyone who is DL'ed gets cookies this week, because cookies make people feel better. There were a few planned spine punches, but because of all the injuries, I've taken Timlin off task. Wouldn't want him straining his fist.

Varitek - 41 cookies - plus 2 for Game 1 RBI double, plus 2 for catching Chara's first pitch.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 3 for key game 1 DP, plus 2 for game three home run
Papi - 33 cookies - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Wakefield - 31 cookies - plus 12 for being incredible!
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Drew - 14 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Dahmer - 8 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Ernie - 7 cookies - for having 1,000 career hits
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies - plus 2 for having a multi-hit game in inning 1 of game 3
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lester - 5 cookies - minus 3 for a bad game
Youk - 5 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Cameron - 3 cookies 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lowrider - 3 cookies for being injured
Jenks - 1 cookie
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies - plus 3 for not being too horrible
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch

Almost One Year Ago: Trio of Injuries Hurts Sox

Once the news came down that Dahmer was on the DL, I was definitely having flashbacks of last year. All the problems started in June. This season, June 17, 18, and 19 found us with injuries to Jed Lowrie, Carl Crawford, and Clay Buchholz (in that order). Last year, on June 25, 26, and 27 in San Francisco, we lost Dustin Pedroia, Clay Buchholz, and Victor Martinez to injuries.

Is it just me, or are we going to have to start keeping Dahmer wrapped in bubble wrap for the month of June? Look, I'm not trying to start a panic here. I don't think this team is going to suffer as many problems as last year's team did. If they do, I'll be the goat and you can all blame me.... but I CAN'T be the only one who thought of last year after three injuries to key players in three days. I just can't.

You thought about it, too. Even if you didn't, you're thinking about it now and realizing that I'm right. You might also be getting a little nervous, much like I am. You shouldn't be. I'm nervous for sports all the time. It's a superstition thing. So let ME be nervous, and you just go ahead and relax. I'll be ok, too, especially since I know Kevin Cash has no reason to come back. You're not welcome on my team, Cash! /rant

"Clean" Sweep: Beckett A Hit In New York

Oh wait... no, I meant "Beckett Hits A Bunch in New York." I am absolutely angry that I fell asleep last night and missed him plunking Granderson. I've been waiting to see him exact just a tiny bit of revenge since the moment Granderson broke up his no-hitter on June 3rd, 2009. I know, you're thinking I'm bitter and vindictive. In this case, you are correct. I saw him hit Jeter, and I missed the plunking of A-Rod and didn't care.... but man, if I had only stayed awake till the fifth. That's my punishment for being exhausted.

The result of the game was infinitely more pleasant than I had anticipated when I went to check the score this morning. Beckett settled down and got through seven innings with no more runs allowed. He hit almost as many as he allowed hits to (3 to 4) and he walked two. Granted, it's not the kind of dominant performance against the Yankees that we've seen twice already this year, but I figured they would score off him eventually. It was almost like pity runs to apologize for all the hit batters. Hah... right, like Josh Beckett has pity for any of his enemies.

In what I assume was retaliation, Papi got hit by Fatass in the fourth. I guess it's only fair, and I'm not going to act shocked and appalled. We hit their guys, they hit our hottest hitter. Are we square now? Probably not, but I could care less as long as no one gets seriously injured.

I'll have to watch the 2-hour replay that I Tivo'd so I can see that glorious 7th inning (or you could just watch the highlight video here). Looks like Fatass just fell apart. Ortiz singled (guess the hit didn't kill him, huh?), Lowrider tripled, Cam doubled, Tek singled, CRW singled, Ernie singled, and Fatass came out. His replacement, David Robertson, kept the rally going with a single to Youkilis and a double to Papi (two hits in an inning. NY really showed him!). When it was over and the dust had cleared, the Sox put seven on the board and handed Fatass his THIRD loss against Josh this year. I love that Josh keeps winning the rematch. It makes me feel vindicated. Who doesn't love a good Friday vindication?

All of our active sports teams are in Canada right this very minute. The Sox are preparing to face the Jays while the Bruins are lacing up to hopefully gain a series lead in Vancouver. Do us proud, guys.

Injury Report: I Thought We Were Supposed To Stay Healthy This Year.

Alright, injury bug, I'm gonna be straight with you. I don't like you, and you don't like me, but you seem to REALLY like my team. Clever how you made Salty sick the day Wakefield was pitching. This surreptitious attempt to throw us off remains unappreciated and I kindly request that you immediately halt any further devious schemes to derail my team. Thank you.

As predicted, Jenks is back on the DL with a sore back. The Sox called up itty bitty baby catcher Luis Exposito to take his spot, mostly because Salty ended up in the hospital yesterday with intestinal turmoil concerning enough that the team wanted to take every precaution available. Luckily, Salty is going to be ok, and he was back at the park before the end of the game.

Lowrider had an MRI on his achy shoulder, and got positive results, so perhaps he'll get a few more days of rest before getting back out onto the field.

Pedroia will be heading back to Boston to have his knee examined, which is just unbelievably frightening. I know Pedroia hasn't been hitting well, and a knee problem would explain that, but being without him for extended periods of time? Now I'm having flashbacks to last season. I hope that whatever news he gets is the best-possible news, and if he does have to be away for a month, I hope he comes back ready to kick some ass without being in pain.

This is not over, injury bug. There's going to be a duel between us. I can just see it.

Atta Boy: Jonny Puts Us In First Place

This is obviously a picture of Lester vs. The Indians at Fenway 04 Aug 2010

All the superheros in the world (or the park) couldn't stop the hurt we put on the Indians today. We are behind the Yankees by mere percentange points right now. We were able to scrape back up the mountain to a point where we are technically tied with the Yankees for first place. Again, percentage points, but they've played fewer games than we have. Leave it to Jonny to help get us to the "top." Also leave it to him to become the first pitcher in the major leagues to reach seven wins. Considering the start this team had, the fact that he has seven wins shows how good (and lucky!) he's been. The boys have been pouring run support on for our ace. I mean, one of our aces. Beckett is clearly still an ace.

By the time Jon could even smell the field, the Sox had slapped a seven on the scoreboard. Mitch Talbot, fresh off the DL, certainly had no idea what hit him. The first inning went like this: single, homer, single, single, fielder's choice, single, single, sac fly, single, single, single, fly out. The only starter to not have a hit was Lowrider. Bad, Jed! With all that offense, you couldn't muster a hit? I guess it's fine. We ended up with fourteen hits and twenty runs.

By the time Lester came out of this game at the end of the sixth, he had given up zero runs, three hits, and a walk. This performance was VASTLY superior to some of the other games we've gotten out of Jonny lately, and it was a welcome sight.

From Jonny's no-hitter, May 19th, 2008... also a welcome sight.

I don't care about the two runs surrendered by the pen. If it were a closer game, I'd care, but since it wasn't, I don't. All I know was that it was a LOT of fun. Chicks dig the long ball, and Munchkin, Papi, Salty, and Crawford were happy to provide the excitement. Chicks (like me, I guess), also dig fantastic pitching and Lester gave me plenty of that. As awesome as the game was, the best part was clearly this line: "Oh yeah, that's a great mouse. How did we miss it?" - Don, discussing Danger Mouse. Brilliant. What a game.

Love All The Dirty Water: But Would Prefer Fewer Heart Attacks

Daniel Bard... oh, Daniel, we need to talk. Actually, instead of talking, you have necessitated me ripping your face off again, so I'm going to do that. We had a good stretch without ripping your face off, didn't we? Then you had to go and choose the 8th inning of the game I was most anticipating for the week to go and implode. Why did you do that? I don't even know where I left my face ripping gloves, so now you're inconveniencing me again. This time, I might sew your face back on backwards just to serve as a reminder that it did happen. Enough of your shenanigans and dilly-dallying. For real this time.

And Joshua Patrick Beckett, let's get that neck loose, huh? We can't afford more disabled starters right now. Not to say that you weren't fantastic and impressive in your six innings even with a stiff neck, because you were. I'm just saying that if you had taken control of your neck and loosened it, Daniel Bard wouldn't have pitched the 8th, and I wouldn't have suffered eight heart attacks in the ninth inning. You were only at 83 pitches... an unbelievably impressive fete considering you threw 24 pitches in the 2nd. That's an average of 11 pitches per inning, excluding the 2nd. You did fantastic! No sarcasm, I swear.

What a game, though. Verlander didn't look like he was ever coming out of this one, which scared me a little. I love pitchers' duels. I love them so dearly! Luckily, after giving up a run in the 2nd, Beckett settled down for the next four. After giving up a run in the 3rd, Verlander gave up solo home runs to Drew and Papi in the 4th and 7th innings respectively. Matt Albers pitched respectably in the 7th. Daniel Bard did not, but I'm not going back over the mess he made. And then there was the ninth.

Two pitches into his outing, Paps gets drilled with a line drive off the bat of Alex Avilla. There was general panic in the bleachers... more so when the next three batters reached base with the game tied. But man, Jonathan must have steeled his will, and struck out Boesch and Cabrera back to back on nine pitches total to end the inning and let everyone breathe again. THAT was the definition of heart-attack theater. Scary and entertaining all at the same time. All nine pitches were four-seam fastballs, topping out at 97 for the strikeout of Cabrera and averaging 96. It was beautiful. He's been pitching like he wants a huge contract at the end of the year.

Before anyone really knew what was going on, the Sox had the bases loaded with zero outs in the bottom of the ninth. Lowrider stepped to the plate and participated in a terrifying 10-pitch at-bat that ended with what should have been a single but turned into a force out, as little Jose Iglesias got thrown out at home on a tough play. He couldn't get a lead, or he risked being doubled off third, and by the time he COULD run home, he was out. So that was deflating for a moment. Luckily, with the bases still loaded and one out, Crawford got a hold of Al Alberquerque's 1-1 pitch and deposited it over the head of Austin Jackson in center. Dirty Water, and we win again. Nerve-wracking. And wonderful. That's six for the Sox. With Lester on the mound tonight, I like our chances of getting to seven. Thanks for the heart attacks, boys.

Sox Are Winners: Over .500!

I sat at Fenway for five innings of this game. Five. I don't feel as bad about leaving early when I'm in $12 bleacher seats and got free parking down the street from Fenway. It was a gross night... cold, windy, and rainy, and miserable on the field. It was the second time in a row that I've sat in Fenway for a Dice-K start that he lasted less than five innings, and it didn't look like it was going to end very differently. I'm glad it DID end differently, but even as I drove home, I said to my friend, "Even if they come back and win, I still think leaving early was the right choice."

I hate leaving games early, but sometimes it's the best choice. The Red Sox don't like to win in front of me this season, so I had to remove myself from the equation in order for the comeback to happen. So, you're welcome everyone.

Granted, I missed all the good stuff. The five run sixth? Missed it. Lowrider doubled in Drew, Tek singled in Lowrider, Ernie singled in Crawford, and Youk doubled in Tek and Ernie. Maybe I was making them nervous? I don't know, but I'm glad it happened even if I missed it. In the seventh, Tek singled in Lowrider AGAIN. It was like a loop in the matrix... a wonderful matrixy loop. The great ending where Ernie doubled in CRW and Munchkin? Well, technically I saw that on TV, so I didn't really MISS it.

Now that Lackey's on the DL (hooray!), how long before Dice follows him? I mean, the Lackey situation is different. I really think that he just needs a mental time out. I don't know what Dice needs. They may have different situations, but they have similar results, and those results are troubling at times. How do you make a pitcher consistent? I need to study up on pitching so I can one day be a coach and get the lower end of the rotation in order.

I like that the bats showed up. The only one in the starting lineup without a hit was Papi, but he gets a pass because he's been hitting well in all other games this week. Only Crawfish and Munchkin had one hit. Everyone else had two or three. I mean, we had fifteen hits, they had to be distributed somehow.

I'm rambly today because I don't feel good. Bottom line is that we won, coming back from a six run deficit. Ernie got his first Fenway walk-off moment, and we're looking forward to many more during the course of his career. Dice-K makes me angry, and Wakefield gets to pinch start tonight. We're over .500 for the first time all season, and things are good in Soxville. I've got no complaints. I've got another game to go to on Wednesday, and I promise, if they aren't doing well, I'll leave so they can win.

The Holy Land of .500: We Have Arrived

For the second time in as many starts, Jon Lester had the chance to bring his team to .500. After being handed the ball on opening day, essentially being named the team ace, this became Jon Lester's team (even though we all sort of know it's Pedroia's), so it HAD to be him evening things out. Six days ago, when he had the chance, he failed. This game looked from the start to be another failure to accomplish .500, but Jon got it together and made it through six innings when he seemed to be done in the second. I give him credit for holding it together just long enough, but this game was about the bats. They backed him every step of the way. He needed the backing.

After NY put up a run in the first, we matched it in the second with a Lowrider sac fly. Jon came out in the bottom second and allowed three runs in absolutely painful fashion, which I will not recount. We come back in the top of the third to tie it with a 3-run shot from Youkilis. Jon settled down and didn't allow another run to score. He finished with a line of 6 IP, 5 H, 4 R, 4 BB, 7 K. This definitely wasn't his prettiest start, but it wasn't his ugliest either. Results are really all that matters anyway, and his result was a W.

The Sox didn't stop their scoring at 4 runs. Papi blasted a solo run in the 5th, making it 5-4, then in the 7th, shit went crazy. Boone Logan provided a walk to Pedroia, who stole second. Logan then intentionally walked Ernie. Youk reached on a fielding error by A-rod. The announcers were babbling something about how it was reminiscient of Bucker, but I completely disagree. It reminded me more of a game in 2005 that I have a picture of hanging in my room. The game was April 6, 2005. Manny hit a ball to A-Rod, he misplayed it. Our second baseman, Mark Bellhorn, advanced to third on the error. In 2011-land, Youk hit the ball to A-Rod. Our second baseman, Dustin Pedroia, came home. Two different teams, two different second baseman, and two different results... but they both made A-Rod look like a jackass. There was absolutely no need to tell that story, but as soon as the play happened, all I could think about was the picture of Bellhorn skipping passed A-Rod as he misplayed a ball, so you get the rundown of a play from more than six years ago. Either way, we scored runs in both games due to errors by A-Rod.

Crawford's error in the 8th allowed Granderson to score from first, and I found myself swearing at him a little. Hustle, Carl. With someone as fast as Granderson on base, you got to move a little faster. You get a mulligan because of the win, but just keep it in mind for next time. Wanting to keep the lead at 2-runs, Salty hit his first home run of the season in the 8th off of Flyswatter. I sort of loved it.

Despite the action on the field, my favorite part of the night was a commercial on ESPN comparing Pedroia and Cano. The commercial said, "Second base has never had the sex appeal of shortstop." And I stopped listening because I may or may not have been laughing. I'm sure it makes sense to some people, but to me it's just comedy. Maybe it's because for me, personally, second base has always had way more sex appeal, and I've almost always found myself disgusted with shortstops.... but again, that's just me. I got a laugh out of it. Maybe you did, too.

We're at .500. I thought when we got here, I'd be happy, but I'm not. Now I want more. Now I won't rest for more than six hours per night until we're at .600, so let's get there!

Wish I Were Eating Crow: But There's No Crow

I had a recipe picked out. I was going to bake that crow up in a nice humble pie and share it with whomever needed or wanted a piece. We were going to eat that humble crow pie at a big table, with everyone laughing and smiling, and enjoying the meal. Maybe there would have been some music. I would have provided lilacs from the garden, because they only bloom for a couple of weeks a year, and it would have been the perfect opportunity to use them. I had a whole dinner party planned, John Lackey, and now because of your performance, everyone has cancelled their RSVPs and I am left staring at this crow carcass that I am NOT eating. Thanks. Thanks for that.

As Blogger.com refused to acknowledge it existed this morning and would not let me sign in to post, I spent the morning making my blog rounds. Normally, I like to write my own post before I read everyone else's take on the matter, but I didn't have a choice this morning. I'm reading a lot about the bad times John and Krista Lackey have been going through. I feel for them. Honestly, I do. It sounds like they are getting wave after wave of bad luck and nobody deserves that. I felt my heart grow maybe a size. I gave Drew a pass when he was going through all the medical issues with his daughter. As much as I don't want to do this because I've never liked John Lackey and I never wanted him on my team, I'm giving him a pass. For this game only. Maybe John needs to take a couple of days and clear his head. I know he doesn't want to use it as an excuse, otherwise he would have come outright and said, 'I'm worried about my wife and I can't focus on this game,' but maybe just stepping away from the team for a while would help. I don't know. I'm not a psychiatrist.

In addition to the shitstorm that was another failed Lackey start, Ellsbury's hit streak came to an end, Jed Lowrie is sick again, and Pedroia continues to struggle. Five of our regulars are hitting under .250. Consider me frustrated.

Highlights? Believe it or not, I have a few! Wakefield became the oldest pitcher to ever don a Sox uniform. Though he didn't do much to help in the 7th, he long-relieved the rest of the game and didn't allow any of his own runs to score. Also? Ernie and Papi. Yes, I'm aware that doesn't have a nice ring to it, and I'm working right now to come up with a nickname for Gonzalez that compliments Papi. It's gonna take a while. I haven't had any caffeine yet this morning. That would probably explain why I'm extra cranky. Oh well.

We're faced with a much-needed off day. Lowrie will get better, Pedroia will find his swing, Papi and Ernie will put together a Vaudeville style show that will wow the masses and distract us all from the horrendous play of the Red Sox, and Jason Varitek will develop the ability to throw out baserunners after getting doused in radioactive slime. Also, he'll grow another head, and it will talk and look like Mike Lowell, and then my world will explode with awesomeness.

Killer Game: Clay K's Twins

He had six K's, so my title is not a lie, though it does make it sound like he K'd them all. He did not. I also don't want to give the impression that he pitched more than five innings, because again, he did not. However, he did manage to only give up two hits, and if you aren't happy with that, then you have no soul. Or you're not a Sox fan. That's the same thing though, right?

It was nice to walk away with a W after two straight days of getting the proverbial whoop ass can opened on us. It seems that when our boys score first, we win more often. Actually, here are the numbers!

When scoring first: 11-5
When scoring in the first inning: 6-1
Not scoring first:3-14

Sort of feel like those numbers speak for themselves. While I didn't go too deep into them, I can theorize that they show that as Pedroia goes, so go the Sox. Why can I do this? Because I like Pedroia. I'm not going to comb through all the game data and find out if he actually made a difference in every one of those games, but deep down, you know he did. Also, god bless baseball-reference.com. Life could not go on without this website.

Getting off track again. Tangents! Um, so the Sox put four runs on the board, decorating innings 1, 3, and 8. For innings 2,4,5,6, and 7, they were pretty useless.... but man, 1, 3, and 8? Excellent. This game is a nice example of Pedroia impacting the game. We scored first, in the first inning, and Munchkin contributed a walk to the cause, allowing Jed Lowrie to get the scoring started. Isn't that nice of him? I think it is. RBI contributions were also received from Youkilis and Ellsbury. I know, I thought Ellsbury was going on the DL after his collision at home plate last week. Turns out, he might not be made of pretzels after all. Hill, Albers, Bard, and Paps combined to keep the shutout intact after Dahmer left for the day. And... AND there were no balks in this one, which was unbelievably appreciated. Balks are sloppy and they make kittens cry.

I don't want to minimize Clay's effort though. It cannot be forgotten that there was actually a two-hour-and-something-minute rain delay in this one, and Clay actually came back at the end of the rain delay to pitch. It's not often that we see one of our pitchers actually come back to pitch after a rain delay, so major brownie points to the little serial killer for the extra effort. Walking away with a win on a rain-soaked Saturday? Oh yes. I approve.

No Love For Timmy: Friday's Sox Stink

I would love to be able to honestly write that I was shocked at Friday's game. Unfortunately, I wasn't, and I'm sure a whole bunch of you weren't shocked either. Wake wasn't sharp (and this may just be my complete homer side) but I don't think he was as bad as the results showed. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's just my complete homer side talking, mainly because I don't enjoy saying anything negative about Mr. Wakefield. Four point one innings, nine hits, and eight runs later, Wakefield's second start of the year was over, and Tito had been kicked out of the game.

It didn't take long, actually. Wake was charged with a balk in the second inning with runners on first and third and two outs. Tim faked to third and then to first, and apparently, Angel Hernandez felt he did not complete his motion in a satisfactory way and charged him with a balk. Tito lost it. I believe I've seen him angrier at times, but this was the first time this season that I remember him getting worked up to rabid levels. It was ugly. What's even uglier is the way the umpires are allowed to behave. Joe West blocked Tito from speaking to Hernandez. We get it, you're not allowed to argue balls, strikes, or balks. What's absolutely absurd to me is that after he was tossed, he still wasn't able to get even a two-second explanation of what Wakefield did wrong. Joe West is a disgrace to the game, and Angel Hernandez isn't much better. There is NEVER a time when I find out either of them are officiating for a game that I don't groan and accept that they're going to ruin something. Why aren't managers allowed to get clarification on a balk? Why are umpires allowed to make game-changing calls without justifying their decision? Do they think it'll make the game longer if they have to give a short justification? Oh, wait, I forgot. Umpires are infallible. We're supposed to treat them like deities. I'm getting really sick of worshipping at the altar of bad officiating.

My tangents... I do love them. My point is that it would have been much quicker and neater for them to tell Tito where the balk was. Kick him out of the game if you must, but at least explain. I strongly dislike these umpires. It didn't matter much. Aside from a JD Drew solo homer and an Ernie solo homer, there was no offense in this one. Aceves gets the gold star for coming out of the bullpen and pitching four point two innings, only allowing one run. Lowrider gets a slap on the back of his hand for two fielding errors, and the rest of the team gets detention for not showing up to class. And we watch .500 slip farther and farther away....

Dan Haren: Still Homeless

It's not just the hair. He just LOOKS like he's been sleeping in an alley, doesn't he? I can't be the only one who thinks that. Despite looking like he needs a hot shower and a warm meal, Haren was all but dealing on Tuesday night. I was supposed to be at this game, but due to a family emergency, I had to miss it. It's probably for the best, because the boys don't seem to like when I come to visit this season. We needed to win this game, so I'm sort of glad I wasn't there to ruin it.

Lester made one mistake over the course of seven innings. One mislocated fastball to Mark Trumbo in the second inning that turned into a solo home run seemed to be the deciding moment in the game as the Sox failed to get runs... or hits off of Haren. It took until the third inning for Crawford to break up Haren's no-hitter, but he was stranded on second (after a stolen base). Scutaro singled in the fifth, but was left at first. The aces battled hard, both going seven innings, though Lester could have definitely gone longer if needed. His pitch count when he came out of the game was only 93. With a score of 3-1 when Jonny came out, I'm not sure why Tito felt this was a comfortable lead, knowing the arsonistic tendencies of our cowboys in the pen, but the gamble paid off. I mean, he still came out with a lead so he was in line for the win. This is what went down:

In the 6th, with one out, CRW doubles to right on a ball that hit off that part of the seats that juts onto the field. With two outs, Ernie broke one of my cardinal rules of pitching and swung at the first pitch. He's lucky that he ended up with a single to left, because I would have ripped out his hair if he hadn't. CRW came around to score on a play that was so much closer than anyone expected it to be. Has Jacoby slowed down, or have I forgotten that Wells has a good arm? Either way. Papi followed up with a single, putting Ernie on third. Lowrider drove him in with a single of his own. It was the first time in the game we had more than one hit in an inning, and we made it sting for Haren. I'm glad, because Jonny really deserved to win this one. I mean, the kid was just rolling. Despite six hits, he still racked up eleven strikeouts. Those K-Men were busy last night. I also noticed they have a new sign for A-Gon, obviously using the "I" from "Ortiz" as their hyphen. Made me sort of smile. Just sayin'. So Crawford singled in the 7th and came around on a high wall-ball double for Salty. Dan Haren was on the verge of being done.

As much as I love a pitcher's duel... and believe me, I do LOVE a pitcher's duel, the 8th is where it got interesting. Mostly because it stopped being a pitcher's duel and became a slugfest. Looking at the final score does not give you a good indication of how tight this game was. Bard came in and had a clean inning. How many games that Lester has started this year have featured Bard out of the pen? All of them? I'm pretty sure it's all of them. I digress. Bottom of the 8th, Haren's pitch count was already a little high, but Scioscia and his silly face ran him back out there. Two pitches in, Ernie belts a home run and suddenly, Haren is gone. It's fine, because Papi greets Takahashi with a home run of his own. Back to back! And suddenly, I feel that maybe Adrian... JUST maybe.... could fill in some of the gaps in my heart left by Manny. Too much to hope for? We'll see. Two batters later, with Lowrider on and Drew out, Scutaro hits his OWN home run to left center. The ball cleared the wall, but it looked like a fan reached over and grabbed it, so Scioscia and his silly face (yup, I'm aware I already said that) demanded a review. As anyone who's ever sat up on the Monster can tell you, it's incredibly hard to lean over that wall. Home run! Hooray! 7-1 Sox.

Pap made it interesting in the 9th, but what else is new? After giving up two runs, he buckled down and got some outs. 7-3 Sox is your ballgame, folks. I also want to point out, because I haven't said it in a while.... I love Eck and all his cheese. All of it. The high cheese, the nasty cheese, the dirty cheese, the cheese with hair... love it. Still, I hope Remy gets well soon. Next up Santana vs. Beckett. Let's keep this going, Joshua Patrick. Ok?

Pedroia Strangles Crawford: In A Good Way

Before you lecture me, yes, I know I am now two days behind on blogging again, but I am determined to catch up! All for you good people. We start the month of May with a delightful game that I'm happy to get to recount for everyone. Allow me to tell you the tale of Timmy Wonderpitches....

A long time ago, a young man named Timmy wandered over to Fenway Park. He was downtrodden and sad, having been tossed to the side by his former employee. Timmy wasn't sure what would become of him. It was a crazy time, my friends. Crazy for Timmy, crazy for baseball. The year, 1995. April 26, 1995 to be exact. At the big green gates to that old park, Timmy found himself a new life. Sure, he was used, abused, and blamed.... frequently taunted by the residents of that old, green park, but deep within those taunts, love was developing. Somewhere along the line, the quiet, understated Timmy won us over. That brings us to May 1st, 2011 (I KNOW I skipped a lot of the story, just bear with me). Timmy's coach, Tito, hands him the ball with a simple request, "Just cover for Clay." This is not a situation that Timmy had never been in. He was, as he always is, ready to do what was asked of him. Knowing we hadn't seen much of him this season, the fans were anxious over what he'd bring to the mound. Five and two-thirds innings later, Timmy had given us as close to a quality start as possible, leaving the game with no runs having yet scored for the opposition. Timmy was in line for a win... a win he badly needed and deserved.

And then Jenks happened.

The evil dragon Jenks galloped (Shimmied? Stomped? Trampsed?) to the mound, stealing the ball from good ol' Timmy. With mischief in his eyes, and lack of location in his heart, he proceeded to allow the Ancient Mariners a single and three walks, ensuring that Timmy would not win on this day. Man, I feel like we've heard this story too many times before.

The other residents of that old, green park tried mightily, but could not manage to score off of those Ancient Mariners. Until the 9th inning, that is. The Legend of Jed Lowrie stepped up to face Wright, who thought he would vanquish the young warrior. On this day, Wright would prove to be very wrong (I know, I'm super clever), because young Jed pummeled the great white orb into the sky and asked the sun gods for assistance. These gods who had taken a great liking to the young warrior shone brightly, blinding Ichiro the Wonderful who was trying to stop Jed and the residents of the old green park. Ichiro the Wonderful lost sight of the great white orb and it fell, allowing young Jed to scurry three diamonds forward. But he knew, that young warrior did, that he couldn't do finish the task on his own. He called upon a disheartened warrior to help him.

Carl of Crawford stepped wearily up to face his opponent. He wanted this battle more than anyone knew. Three times the great white orb challenged him, and twice it bested him. That third time, however, he was victorious. A thud sent that orb passed He Who Was Not Wright, finishing the battle for young Jed and letting the residents of that old, green park hold their heads high for one day. It was a new dawn, indeed.

And then Pedroia stormed the field from the dugout and grabbed Carl in a hug, refusing to let go. I'm pretty sure Pedroia is still hugging him right now.

See, guys, this is why I shouldn't be left to my own devices. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, Crawford's hit drove in the winning run. I couldn't have asked for it to happen to a more deserving guy... but I cannot forgive Jenks for blowing Timmy's win. Still, a great win is a great win, and it's always so much better at home. Great job, Carl! And Timmy!

Road Win: Oh My, Is This Allowed?

So, you're telling me that the Red Sox went to a park that wasn't Fenway and won a game? Are you sure you're not making that up? It sounds an awful lot like a tall tale. I mean, I watched the game and all, but I was PRETTY tired yesterday, so I could have just been deceiving myself. Hold on, I'm gonna check redsox.com. Just wait right there.

Ahem. Why is there a picture of meat in the background of the official site of the Boston Red Sox? WHY IS THERE MEAT? I like meat as much as the next person who likes meat, but this is silly and distracting. Is Smith and Wollensky the new partner of the Red Sox? Are they trying to give me dining recommendations? Because guys, there are better steakhouses in Boston. Give me Ruth's Chris any day. Hm. Meat.

Now that I've gotten that mini-rant out of the way... yes, the Sox did in fact win their first road game of the season last night in panic-inducing fashion. I guess that's the way it had to be, but my poor tired heart didn't appreciate it. Dahmer.... eh, he's still trying to find himself this season. He's been throwing a lot of pitches early, missing his locations, and making himself work too hard. He wasn't bad; no, definitely not bad. He just wasn't as sharp as we'd like him to be. Still, he managed his first win and I hope he takes this win and builds upon it.

As a side note, I'm really pretty tired of getting beaten up by former Sox players... specifically former Sox outfielders, so pitching staff, I request you step up your game when facing our old friends. Thanks.

Sometimes between 1 AM and 3 PM EST, the bats arrived in a box from Boston marked "URGENT." Or something like that. Lowrider jumped back on to that hot streak he was riding, going 2 for 4 with his 2 RBI's coming from a 6th inning home run. Youkilis added his own home run, but that's all I'm saying about him. JD blasted his first of the year in the 7th, giving the Sox a 5-1, which if you watched the game, ended up looking mighty small.

Seriously, a few inches here or there, and we lose this game. That was blatantly apparent on Grumpy's at bat in the bottom of the 6th. After a double and two walks with one out, Tito pulled Dahmer and brought in Bard. We desperately needed a few outs. Bard struck out Cliff Pennington and Grumpy stepped up. On the second pitch to Grumpy, he hit one down the left field line that landed maybe an inch foul, just barely missing the chalk dust. That ball would have tied the game (it 4-1 Sox at the time). That play got my heart going, for sure. Bard went on to pitch a pretty seventh. I wish he could have pitched the 8th so Bobby Jenks didn't have to come into this game at all and make things worse.

Jenks' day went like this: strikeout, walk, single, single, single, strikeout. He left with the bases loaded, 2 outs after throwing 24 not so good pitches. Paps comes in, throws five pitches and gets out of the inning. In the ninth, though... more heart attack theater. Single, pop-out, hit by pitch, RBI single. Two on, one out, the winning run at the plate. Somehow he gets two popouts to end the game, and I go back on my heart medication.

Scary wins are wins all the same. And now that I know they CAN win outside the friendly confines, I'm going to expect to see at LEAST that much effort, maybe more for the rest of the season. They can do it. They're just going to make it terrifying.

Oh My Lowrie: Dice-K Goes Seven Awesome Innings

Who ARE these guys? No, seriously, these are not the Sox of the last two weeks. I don't recognize this team, but I love them. What a performance. Honestly, I don't have a SINGLE thing to complain about.

Jed? You, sir, are unbelievable. Were you always this insane and I just didn't notice until you shoved a 4-for-5, 4 RBI performance in my face? Consider me impressed, young Jedi. Also, keep it up. Munchkin is enjoying the breather since he didn't have to carry the team on his shoulders today. Don't get me wrong, he did just fine himself. I'm not one to scoff at a 2-for-5, 2 RBI day. He was far more productive than me today. I didn't get a single hit, nor did I accumulate any RBIs, so... you know. Then again, for the season, I'm still o-for-0 with no RBI's, strikeouts, or walks.

Needless to say, I think this is the team Theo envisioned when he was putting it all together this off-season. Great pitching, great hitting, and nifty defense. I have no idea why Tito took Dice-K out after the 7th when he was only at 89 pitches and had only given up one hit and one walk. Pre-emptive measures perhaps? I can't see! I don't know what's going on! Anyway, unbelievable performance by K today. It's nice to know that he still has that in him occasionally, especially when we needed it so badly to keep a little momentum. I guess he didn't like Lester and Beckett handing that ace card back and forth and made a run to procure it for himself. More kudos to Aceves for pitching a clean 8th. Wakey closed the game, only giving up a solo home run, but hey, that's the way the knuckleball knuckles.

And in the 'it was bound to happen soon' category, Crawford apparently slammed a double off the wall, driving in Lowrie in the 6th. See? See, we told you it would come. Very proud of you, Carl. Now that the monkey's off his back a little bit, maybe we'll start to see a return to form for Crawford. Between Jed hitting everything in sight, Crawford driving in his second run of the season, we got home runs from Youk and CRW (and Lowrie, of course), a triple from JD, more doubles from Youk and Gonzalez (who was looking to have a rough day, striking out in his first three at bats), and three singles from Ortiz, Drew, and Munchkin. That's 13 hits, boys and girls. Thirteen hits and nine runs. Oh my. I love it. The only starter to not have a hit was Tek, but come on.... he's not in there because of his bat. Just sayin.'

Our first three-win-streak of the season, and I find that I really enjoy winning. Is it too much for me to ask of Lackey to just man up and have a good outing in Oakland? Because if he could do that, it would be fantastic.

I'll be making sure to get my rest tonight, because the 10:05 start tomorrow is going to make for a rough Wednesday. Happy Patriots Day, all. Enjoy the feeling of three wins in a row!

Best Entrance Theme Ever: Oki Back in Boston

The news is that Doubront has been sent back down to the minors and he-of-the-awesome-entrance-theme has been called back up for today's game. That's right. Everyone say hello to Hideki! I'm glad he's back. That way, I have a chance of once again hearing "O-K-A-J-I-M-A! Okajima!" Hopefully he pitches as well here as he did in Pawtucket. Best of luck, Oki! And don't worry, Felix, you'll be back. I promise.

Game time, folks! JD gets to lead off today because Crawford... well, he needs a little breathing room. Tek's catching for the mystical and baffling Dice-K, and Lowrider again holds steady at short. I don't know what to expect from today's game, but I sort of have a stomach ache about it. Hopefully Dice-K can alleviate that a bit. Despite being stuck at work, I'm gonna enjoy the heck out of early baseball... because we're on the west coast starting tomorrow. Yawn!