Punchy Sort of Week: Cookies and Spine Punches For Jays Series

He looks ready for spine punches, don't you think?

I've been really good about not having Timlin punch many spines lately. It's part of my effort to be more positive about baseball in general, and I think it's going well. This week, though? A couple of punches need to be distributed. It's only fair. But don't worry, because there are plenty of cookies to hand out, too!

As a side note, I'm kind of surprised I'm still doing this. I'm way beyond my typical two-weeks-before-boredom mark. Oh well! Let's hand 'em out!

Varitek - 70 cookies - plus five for blocking the plate (I guess? Maybe?) and driving in one of our three RBIs in game 2.
Munchkin - 43 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 2 for his GM 2 home run. Chicks dig the long ball, guys.
Wakefield - 37 cookies - plus six for career win #198, Sox career win #184
Papi - 35 cookies - plus 2 for the double that started the game 2 mini-rally.
Beckett - 30 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Youk - 23 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch
Drew - 16 cookies - plus two for driving in a run in Gm 2
Lester - 14 cookies - plus three so his injury heals faster. Also for having a no-hitter for a couple of innings.
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch
Ellsbury - 11 cookies - plus five for having a great game 3.
Crawford - 10 cookies
Ernie - 10 cookies
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Salty - 7 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus one for a game 1 triple
Dan Wheeler - 7 cookies - plus six for crucial clean innings after the Lackey fiasco in game one.
Aceves - 6 cookies
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Paps - 2 cookies, 2 Timlin spine punch - plus one spine punch and minus two cookies for two really bad performances in a row.
Matt Albers - 2 cookies for pitching in after the Lester injury
Franklin Moralez - 2 cookies for the same reason as Albers
Daniel Bard - 2 cookies.... see above.
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Yamaico Navarro - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies, 3 spine punches - plus three spine punches because HE SUCKS.
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches

Texas Cookies: Rewards For A Good Weekend

I've given Timlin the weekend off from his spine-punching duties. He's had to work pretty hard lately, so I figure the least I could do is not have him punch spines after a sweep. Unfortunately, I already know that after the Jays series, he's going to be right back to work.

Jason is still way WAY in the lead, and it doesn't look like he's going to relinquish that lead any time soon. I promised right from the start that I would be biased toward him, so don't act surprised.

Varitek - 65 cookies - plus six for his efforts in game three
Munchkin - 41 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus three for game 1 RBIs
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Beckett - 30 cookies - plus six for finishing the sweep
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Youk - 23 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus six for playing effectively through an injured ankle
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch
Lester - 11 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Ernie - 10 cookies - plus 3 for game 1 RBIs
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Yamaico Navarro - 1 cookie for his first ML home run
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches

Mostly Spine Punches: But Still, A Few Cookies

After the last nine games, going 3 and 6, I was absolutely prepared to just spine punch everyone. Funny how one little win lightens my mood so much. The only one who is getting punched is Bobby Jenks, and you know he deserves it.

Since Mike Cameron is not on the team any more, he's being removed from the cookie list. I'm sorry, Mike, but you have to make it to the end of the season to get your cookies. Again, I wish you well. Here we go.

Varitek - 59 cookies - 12 cookies for participating in the It Gets Better Project, and six for the two home runs in game three.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Youk - 17 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - also gets twelve for the IGBP.
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch - Nice participation, Tito. Also, thanks for getting Jenks out before it was too late.
Lester - 11 cookies - plus six for pitching one hell of a game
Crawford - 10 cookies
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Ernie - 7 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch - plus three for finishing the ninth
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches - -1 cookie, plus three spine punches for being worthless.

Brewers Series: Cookies. Lots of Cookies.

I've got many, many pictures of Pedroia
It helps that Munchkin earned cookies this week, otherwise having him head the post would be silly, wouldn't it? Everyone who is DL'ed gets cookies this week, because cookies make people feel better. There were a few planned spine punches, but because of all the injuries, I've taken Timlin off task. Wouldn't want him straining his fist.

Varitek - 41 cookies - plus 2 for Game 1 RBI double, plus 2 for catching Chara's first pitch.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 3 for key game 1 DP, plus 2 for game three home run
Papi - 33 cookies - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Wakefield - 31 cookies - plus 12 for being incredible!
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Drew - 14 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Dahmer - 8 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Ernie - 7 cookies - for having 1,000 career hits
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies - plus 2 for having a multi-hit game in inning 1 of game 3
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lester - 5 cookies - minus 3 for a bad game
Youk - 5 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Cameron - 3 cookies 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lowrider - 3 cookies for being injured
Jenks - 1 cookie
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies - plus 3 for not being too horrible
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch

Tampa Series: Cookies and Spine Punches

Love this picture

Another series win for the Sox, and the first time in a long time that I assign spine punches. Sorry guys. You deserve it. But on the cookie side of things, I had several dozen to hand out, so good job! And Varitek (as expected) is in the lead!

Varitek - 37 cookies - plus 6 for another one-hitter
Munchkin - 33 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 2 for triple in gm 2
Papi - 32 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies - plus twelve for ONE HITTER!
Wakefield - 19 cookies - plus 12 for pitching his butt off (even if he lost)
Drew - 14 cookies
Lester - 8 cookies
Crawford - 7 cookies - -3 for bad series overall
Aceves - 6 cookies
Dahmer - 5 cookies
Ellsbury - 4 cookies
Youk - 4 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus three for home run (also +2 spine punches for gm 1, -2 spine punches for home run)
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Salty - 3 cookies, 2 spine punches - spine punches for forgetting how to catch the knuckleball
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - 1 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch - one cookie for a game three save
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -17 cookies
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch

June 13: Cookies.. And Again, No Spine Punches

It's been a good week for the Sox. We've gone through two whole series and I haven't felt the need to administer a single spine punch. Who gets the most cookies, you might ask?

Yeah, there shouldn't have been any question about that. Let's get this updated!

Papi - 32 cookies - plus 12 for fifth inning shenanigans
Varitek - 31 cookies - plus 13 for being offensively wonderful
Munchkin - 31 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus nine cookies for offensive contributions and for continuing to not be broken.
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies - plus one cookie for a clean inning
Drew - 14 cookies - two cookies for a good Saturday
Beckett - 12 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Lester - 8 cookies - plus six for getting himself back on track
Wakefield - 7 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Dahmer - 5 cookies - for pitching with a blister
Ellsbury - 4 cookies
Scutaro - 3 cookies - for doing a good job!
Salty - 3 cookies - for playing while not feeling well... and doing a good job.
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - 1 cookies - plus seven... just to get him into positive cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie for a clean inning
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie - also for a clean inning
Youk - 1 cookie and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus one, because apparently, I'm being petty if I don't give him one.
Lackey - -17 cookies - plus six for only giving up four runs.
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch
Paps - 1 Timlin spine punch

June 10th: Cookies (No Spine Punches!)

Tommy Hottovy - 24 cookies
Papi - 20 cookies - plus 12 for making Yankees cry
Munchkin - 22 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus six for not needing surgery
Varitek - 18 cookies - plus 6 for surviving the knuckleball on Wednesday
Beckett - 12 cookies - For being amazing.
Drew - 12 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Wakefield - 7 cookies - earned 6 for winning
Aceves - 6 cookies - plus six for earning a save on Wednesday
Ellsbury - 4 cookies - plus 1 for a lead-off home run
Lester - 2 cookies - for winning a hard-fought game on Tuesday
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - -6 cookies - plus six for tripling on Tuesday
Lackey - -23 cookies
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Youk - 1 Timlin spine punch
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch
Paps - 1 Timlin spine punch

June 5th: Cookies and Spine Punches

I just kind of smushed all the awarded cookies into one post. All spine punches were for the June 4th game.

Tommy Hottovy - 24 cookies for that nifty double play on Saturday.
Munchkin - 16 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 9 for all the things he does, spine punch for the error Saturday.
Varitek - 12 cookies.
Drew - 12 cookies for the win on Saturday.
Crawford - 10 cookies - plus 12 for the three games of greatness.
Papi - 8 cookies
Ellsbury - 3 cookies
Aceves - 3 cookies - earned 3 for Saturday's performance
Wakefield - 1 cookie
Jenks - 1 cookie for not being awful
Ernie - -12 cookies
Lackey - -23 cookies, because I don't like him
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Youk - 1 Timlin spine punch for the misplay on Saturday
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch for bad decisions on Saturday
Paps - 1 Timlin spine punch for... yeah, you get the idea.

June 2nd: Cookie Standings

Lookit this! I'm actually updating this! What's the over/under on how long I keep it up before I get bored? Two weeks? That sounds about right.

Varitek - 12 cookies
Munchkin - 7 cookies - earned one cookie for bad umpiring
Papi - 8 cookies - earned two cookies for June 1st performance
Wakefield - 1 cookie - just for being Wake
Crawford - -2 cookies
Aceves - -3 cookies
Ernie - -12 cookies - Lost 12 cookies for swinging at the first pitch
Cameron - No cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch.

Cookies!: And Spine Punches!

These are the current arbitrary team cookie standings:

Varitek - 12 cookies
Munchkin - 6 cookies
Papi - 6 cookies
Crawford - -2 cookies (I gave him one, Amy took two away)
Aceves - -3 cookies, but no spine punch... this time.
Cameron - No cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch.

That's another thing that I should explain. When a player does poorly, they get no cookies. Sometimes we will take cookies away from them, and sometimes, if the play is especially poor, the player receives a "Timlin spine punch." Essentially, this means that Mike Timlin is hiding somewhere in the clubhouse, and when the player in question least expects it, he jumps out and delivers a swift punch in the spine. Sometimes Mike Timlin camouflages himself as Varitek's locker (Varitek being one of his best friends, in my imagination), and he'll jump out and scare the rookies. Sometimes, when he's camouflaged, Varitek will try to reach into his locker and accidentally punch Timlin in the chest, and then he'll shout "Damnit, Mike! I told you to stop doing this!" And Timlin will laugh and pull out his crossbow, and everyone will have a great time.

What? Don't look at me like that. I've got an overactive imagination.

So these are the Cookie/Spine Punch standings. We'll see where everyone stands at the end of the season. I bet Tek will have the most cookies. And no, this isn't bias at all...