Red Sox: The Musical

No one really wants me to rehash that 18-3 beatdown, do you? Well, too bad if you do because I don't want to.

Instead, I want to talk about a little project Lauren (from toosoxy.wordpress.com) and I spent the majority of the game discussing.... Red Sox: The Musical!

Picture this... Scene One: Terry Francona asleep at his desk deep within the heart of Fenway Park. The sun rises, Tito wakes up with a big stretch. Music starts playing in the background. Tito brews himself a comically large sized cup of Bigelow green tea and starts in on the song "My Way's The Best Way," an upbeat tune about how the Red Sox will never need another manager. During the song, he alternates between sipping the tea and ripping up pictures of other major league managers he conveniently has sitting on his desk as he declares "My way's the best way for Fenway!" From the doorway, Larry Lucchino is seen watching with his arms folded. Before the song ends, he disappears.

Our hero of the musical, Jason Varitek, enters Tito's office to discuss the lineup for the night. He is informed that due to some struggling at the plate, he's going to be resting for the game later that night and Salty will be catching instead. Tek and Tito start in on a duet titled, "I've Got So Much More To Give."

Scene Two: The locker room after the game. The team has lost and everyone looks miserable. Kevin Millar and Dustin Pedroia lead the song "Cowboy Up," a motivational song that teaches that you CAN have fun playing baseball. Jed Lowrie stands up to try to have fun, injures himself and is traded to Houston before the end of the song. In the spirit of fun, Lackey, Lester, and Beckett sing a quick version of "Hell Yeah, I Like Beer." At the end of the number, Lucchino comes in and informs our favorite team that he's hired Mike Timlin as bullpen coach and has given him a crossbow to keep our pitchers in line. Julio Lugo arrived and he is bludgeoned by the chorus girls (IE - Lauren and myself... and my best friend, Amy, who has been waiting for another chance to pummel Lugo).

Kevin Youkilis sings a basebally version of the old Alice Cooper classic 'Vengeance Is Mine.' He rips out all of his luxuriously flowing hair in anger after striking out six times against the Kansas City Royals. At the end of his song, Lauren gets to appear and they duet a song titled "Love Despite the Rage." Cut to outside on the field at Fenway at night, under a full moon. Salty is sitting alone in the dugout. He too has been struggling at the plate. The catching corps is a mess. He sings the sorrowful tune "Thirty Three" in which he laments the fact that he'll never be like thirty three, despite all the tutelage Jason has provided to him.

I don't really know what else happens in the middle here. I didn't plan that far ahead.

Cut to the second to last scene of the play. It's game 7 of the World Series. John Lackey is the pitcher on the mound (I know, so unlikely but bear with me), and he unsurprisingly surrenders the go-ahead run in the six inning. With a score of 12-11 in favor of the opposing team, the Phillies, the Sox come up to bat. Quickly, we load the bases with two outs. Salty is scheduled to bat, but while walking to the plate, he is tackled by a  runaway Philly mascot and sprains his wrist. Tek is told to go up to bat. He stands at the plate feeling unprepared. The Philly pitcher needs to tie his shoe, so Tek takes the opportunity to look to the sky and ask for guidance. JD Drew's face appears in the clouds (think Mufasa from the Lion King). Jason asks him for advice. Drew announces he's going on the DL.  At that moment, Jason realizes that he's always had the strength inside him. Cue "I've Got So Much More to Give (reprise)." Jason somehow hits a grand slam.

In the dugout, John Lackey sees what just has happened. He sings, "I'll Do The Right Thing" with everyone sitting in the dugout as his backup chorus. He intentionally makes this crazy jerky motion and tears a hamstring. As he writhes in pain, the dugout chorus sways and sings, "We're gonna do the right thing, too! Oh, our fans are overdue!" The team goes out and plays flawless baseball and wins. They swarm the field, carrying all the injured players and sing all together, "Stronger Together," a song about team unity and the value of green tea. Antioxidants, you know.

In the last scene, Jason and Salty are sitting in the clubhouse on a bench talking about the win. Salty tears up, saying that he failed the team when they needed him most and starts singing "Thirty Three" again. Jason stops him and sings "Salty and Thirty Three," a song about how Salty may not ever be Jason, but if he believes in himself, he will carve out his own legacy.

I think that's the ending. Much happier story than last night's game, eh?

Opening Day: The Pictures

I can write out a long, wordy post telling you about opening day... or I can just do this:

-My eyes got misty when Tek and Wake walked out from behind the American flag. I had hoped they'd be throwing out the first pitches, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. And who better to catch those pitches than Dewey and Jim Ed?

-It was awesome seeing Grandpa Pesky shouting Play Ball! It scares me how frail he's looking.  I don't want to think about the fact that it took three people to hold him up.

-Beckett was amazing. The Sox kicked ass, and we won 12-2. Talk about the benefits of a home cooked meal.

-The loss of Pretzels is going to hurt. If only he hadn't let his marshmallows soften.

-Here, have a couple pictures!

Pedroia Can Play: Daniel Bard Sort Of Can, Too

Yep, another loss. Painful, right? Absolutely painful. Here we sit, alone in the basement of the AL East, hoping that someone throws us a rope so we can climb out. At least give us a flashlight so we can find the stairs. Bobby V is too busy taking phone calls during press conferences to tell Daniel Bard to throw higher in the zone.

Did Bard pitch well? Well enough. Much better than I thought he would, but he still allowed five runs in innings. Forgive me for my biases, but wouldn't Tek have actually made in-game adjustments? Was Salty making any? It didn't seem like it. To be honest, Salty looks nervous to me 90% of the time, so I have no idea what's going through his head. Maybe someone threatened him with rabid dogs if he failed to be Tek. I make no promises that it wasn't me.

Sox starters, listen here. It's your job to get into the seventh inning. In order to do so, you need to not suck so badly. Christ, at this point, I'll be happy with a quality start. Six innings, three or less runs? Ever heard of it? One run through the rotation and we've had exactly one quality start. Lester with his seven inning, one run effort. Had Doubront pitched on more inning, he would have qualified. That goes to pitch count. You should not, in any circumstance, be throwing more than five pitches to any given batter in any single at bat. I know, it sounds so easy, right? I live with the luxury of not having to follow my own pitching rules, so it's easy for me.

Five starts, one quality start, two painfully embarrassing ones (Looking at you, B-boys.... er, sans Bard), one sort of good one, and one sort of bad one. And we didn't even win the quality start! We need better from you, guys. I'm not hitting the panic button. I'm not announcing the sky is falling. All I'm saying is that you CAN do better, and you HAVE to do better. Munchkin needs some support here. Give the little guy a helping hand, will you?

Today at 12:35, Lester closes out the second series of the year. If he could pitch as well as he did on opening day, I'll be happy. Because it's Tek and Little Tek's birthdays today. You better not lose on their birthdays, Jon.

Also, Happy Birthday to Jason Varitek and Trot Nixon. I miss you guys...

Get Ready: Twenty-Six Hours Till Opening Day

I'm excited. Of course I am! What actual baseball fan isn't? I'm excited, but I'm not sold. I guess I just have to prepare for letdown, but God help that team if they lose the first twelve games of the season. More like God help my blood pressure...

Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Kelly Shoppach (from here on out, Shoppy) at catcher? Neither one is Varitek, so I am automatically unenthused. I guess 'Not Being Tek' is unfair criticism. Neither one of them had a say in the matter. I like to believe if they did, they would have chosen to be Tek. It will, however, be interesting to see what Salty will bring to the table after working under the tutelage of my favorite player. If I'm being honest (which, when it comes to Tek, I don't necessarily feel like I need to be), if either one of them can throw out base runners consistently and hit .240, I'll survive.

Ernie does not concern me at all. Nor does Munchkin. They'll be wonderful!

Mike Aviles at short? I don't know. Does having large calves make one a better shortstop? Can I call him Calviles? I don't know. I guess we'll find out.

Youk at third? Let's see if he can stay healthy. He's been pretty fragile lately.

Outfield. Besides Pretzels, do we HAVE outfielders? I think once Crawford returns from the wrist injury, he'll be worlds better than he was last year. Till then? Not at all sure what to expect from left and right, but if Pretzels is in center, I guess that'll be fine.

Papi? He's Papi. Come on now.

Pitching staff? Excuse my while I do my ostrich impression and bury my head in the ground. I'm not even sure I WANT to look. Bum thumbs and DUIs do not a great pitching staff make. There's no way it's going to be as bad as it was last year. John Lackey is on the DL, so it absolutely cannot be that bad.

I like baseball, so I'm going to enjoy the season... I just might not be pleasant about my enjoyment, so don't be surprised if you see a lot of overreactions like the one about Beckett's thumb. I'm not really THAT insane. It's just a little venting, is all.

Tomorrow, one o'clock. Opening Day. Palpable excitement!

Sunday "Baseball": Three Game Winning Streak!

After beating up on the college kids from Northeastern (25-0) and Boston College (6-3), my favorite boys put together a "legitimate" winning streak during "real" baseball and beat the Twins 8-3. Anyone familiar with spring training will (possibly) understand my (unnecessary) use of quotation marks. I truly and honestly don't care that the games mean nothing. There is baseball involving the Red Sox and they're winning.

Though, if they open up the season with a couple of losses, I'll probably be perturbed that they wasted their wins on meaningless spring games. For now, I'll take them, and I'll be happy.

Admittedly, the ridiculous side of my brain was expecting Josh Beckett to crumble into a pathetic crying pile of pitcher since Tek is no longer behind the plate, but he actually looked pretty good. It irks me when the other team starts off any game with a base hit, but really, I don't have many complaints. Josh held himself together and managed to get through two pretty nifty innings. On a similar note, every time our pitchers collect more strikeouts than hits allowed, you will not hear me whining. In two scoreless innings, Josh collected two K's and only allowed one hit.  And he didn't cry once.

Collecting half of the RBI's for the Sox on Sunday was Lars Anderson performing his hit 'Grand Slam off Jason Bulger.' It's probably a song you've never heard before, but it was quite enjoyable and I would happily listen again if given the chance. Atchison didn't look fantastic, but he still managed to hold the lead. The kids (and vets) were alright given that this is the first "major league" team they've faced since September. It just feels good to have baseball back on TV for now, but give me a week and I'll be craving the fresh blood of a new season. Opening day at Fenway is just a little less than five weeks away....

Everyone Says Goodbye: Baseball Folk React To Tek-tirement

Photo by Michael Ivins/Boston Red Sox

I loved reading all of the well-wishes from baseball players and operations personnel that have had the opportunity to work with, play with, or play against Jason Varitek over his career.

The Full Count blog at weei.com has a bunch of well-wishes, but these are my favorites:

“I want to congratulate Jason Varitek, a.k.a “Johnny Unitas fl at-top hair cut” on a remarkable career and mostly for being part of the fi rst World Series in 2004 with Sox Nation. It seems like yesterday we were in our hotel rooms on the road hitting with a pizza box going over our stances in our underwear during our struggles offensively. But above all, he’s a true professional, a true teammate and, best yet, an even better person. I wish him much success in the up and coming real world and we’ll see you soon with powder and an ear piece on TV.” – Kevin Millar, Red Sox teammate from 2003-05, current MLB Network analyst.

Count on Millar to say something that will give me nightmares. The image of him and Tek standing around in their underwear practicing hitting with a pizza box? Yeah, that's not burned into my vault of mental images. Thanks for that, Kevin.

”Jason Varitek will always have a prominent place in Red Sox history. He caught more games as a Red Sox and helped the team win their fi rst World Series in 86 years. I am happy for him and proud of his accomplishments. Congratulations Jason!” – Carlton Fisk, Hall of Fame catcher, Red Sox Hall of Famer, played with Boston from 1969-1980.

To me, I like seeing the enthusiasm in Carlton Fisk's praise of Tek. Not many other folks used an exclamation point. John Valentin was the only other person to exclaim his appreciation of Tek (and he did it twice). In all seriousness though, there's something extra special in Fisk's praise because he was the catcher that set the bar for Tek. Call me strange, but that's very cool to me.

Watching Tek's retirement speech was hard for me. I probably teared up as much as he did (I'm a little bit of a crybaby). Today I wear my Varitek jersey in honor of my favorite baseball player. Congratulations again, Tek. What else can I say? I'll miss you.

How To Say Goodbye To Your Captain: Jason Varitek's Best Moments

It was inevitable. Varitek wasn't going to play forever, and I knew it. My hope was that I'd never have to watch him play for another team. Well, with the announcement that he is going to retire on Thursday, the Captain has granted me one last wish. He played his entire major league career as a member of the Red Sox, and he should leave the game as a member of the Red Sox. I hate to think he'll be gone, but if he has to leave, this is the way to do it.

I wouldn't care about baseball if it weren't for Tek. He was the hook that drew me in, and it will be hard for me to love this team as much without him on it. A touch dramatic? Sure. But that's what I'm all about. In honor of Varitek's 15 years with the Sox, I wanted to recount some of the legacy he leaves behind and highlight just what a significant part of the Red Sox organization he's become. This is going to be long-winded, so here's your chance to get out now.....

Ok. Too late. Let's do this.

• Tek is the only player from Georgia Tech to have his number (33) retired.
• He is the only player in history to play in/on the Little League World Series, the college World Series, the Olympic baseball team, and Major League World Series

• There have been 1645 players in the Red Sox organization since 1901. There have been 19 team captains in that time span. Only one other catcher has been made captain in team history (Deacon McGuire in 1908), and he only lasted one season as the captain.

• Since 1923, there have been four team captains: Foxx (1940-1942), Yastrzemski (1969-1983), Rice (1985-1989), and Varitek (2005-2011). Yaz was the only captain in history who served a longer tenure than Tek.

• Jason is the only Red Sox catcher to ever have caught 1,000 games, his 1,000 being played on July 31, 2006. He finishes with 1,418 games as a catcher and 1,546 total games (the other 128 games were split between DH'ing and pinch hitting)

• He has played in more postseason games than any other Sox player in history. He has played in 63 games over the course of 14 series.
• Jason has the most post-season home runs for a catcher in history with 11. Johnny Bench and Javier Lopez each hit 10.
• He has the most opening day starts for a catcher in team history, starting in 10 straight opening days (2000-2009)

• Tek is the only catcher in MLB history to have caught 4 no-hitters (Hideo Nomo, Derek Lowe, Clay Buchholz, and Jon Lester)
• Devern Hansack's rain-shorted game on October 1st, 2006 could have possibly been #5 for Tek.
• He has also caught 8 one-hitters and  20 two-hitters.

• Appearances on Sox All-time lists include
• 9th for games played (1546)
• 9th for doubles (306)
• 10th for RBI's (757)

• 9th for extra base hits (513)
• 9th for sac flies (43)
• 10th for intentional walks (59)

• 4th for strikeouts (1216)
• 4th for hit by pitches (61)

• His professional resume includes:
• three All-Star appearances
• 2005 Gold Glove and Silver Slugger Awards
• Two World Series rings (but you all knew that)

• From 1997 to August 1999, Tek wore #47
• Since then, he's donned that old familiar #33 that we know so well.

• Jason hit his first grand slam on August 5, 2005. His second one didn't technically count towards his career stats as it happened on March 8, 2006 during the World Baseball classic. His third came against the Yankees on April 25, 2009.

• Back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs have occurred only seven times in major league history. Tek became part of this phenomenon on April 22, 2007 against the Yankees, being the fourth player in a row to hit a home run (other players were Manny Ramirez, JD Drew, and Mike Lowell)

• Tek has only been ejected from a game five times in his career. The most memorable one?
• He is the only Red Sox player to feed his glove to Alex Rodriguez.

For all the moments we've shared... the good times and the not so good times... for the professionalism, for the game calling, for all you've brought to your team, I salute you, Jason Varitek. Thank you for all those summer evenings we've spent together at Fenway. I truly hope to see #33 hanging from the Fenway facade, but if it never comes to be, we'll always have the memories. You'll always be the captain to me.

This Just In: Tek Set To Retire

According to the Boston Globe, Jason Varitek has announced that he will retire on Thursday.

I have three days to get my 'goodbye Tek' post ready. For now, I await further information

Truck Day: My Second Favorite Day In February

I know I missed posting on Truck Day. I was pretty busy, and only home long enough to score a couple of opening day tickets (I could not even begin to express in text how excited I am about this). But just because I didn't post doesn't mean that I forgot about the event.

I love truck day. It means baseball is coming. It would be my favorite day in February if my birthday wasn't in February. Valentine's day comes in probably fourth, after my birthday, truck day, and reporting day. No matter how terribly the season ended, and it was pretty freakin terrible, truck day means we are going to have the chance to start over. No records, no tough losses, no terrible performances, no rain delays... just 162 days of pure sun-shiney bliss. Every game is a day game in my head. And when the truck leaves for Florida, it reminds me that long afternoons of home runs and Fenway Franks are right around the corner. It makes me happy.

This year, there are going to be a lot of changes to get accustomed to. New GM, new manager, lots of familiar faces that will be missing from the crowd. Most notably, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield. I have to admit, despite my excitement for the new season, my heart breaks that neither has been brought back yet. In my mind, there IS no team without Jason and Tim. They have literally been parts of the Red Sox since I started watching baseball. The fact that they are simply not there doesn't sit right with me. I'm still going to hold out hope. If I'm honest with myself, I know I will be holding out hope all season. It will be, 'ok, well maybe they're still negotiating. Jason and Tim will join the club for spring training,' and then 'still negotiating. There's time to get them on the opening day roster,' and the after that will be 'the trading deadline is a perfect time to bring in some veterans who need jobs. Jason and Tim would be perfect for that!' I won't be able to let go until I know there's no hope left. So many changes... at least we'll still have Papi... I hope. His arbitration meeting is scheduled for today. I'm interested to see how it turns out.

Pitchers and catchers reporting day is on my birthday this year. I'll be out celebrating, and I will have a drink in honor of number 33 and number 49, whether or not they're back.

Oh Captain: Don't Go

I'm not really sure WHAT to say right now. Nothing is official. There's a chance for him to come back in some capacity (though definitely not as a player), but with the recent signing of Kelly Shoppach, who I happen to loathe, it seems all but certain that Jason Varitek's days with the Sox have come to an end.

(Please take a moment to cue up "Yesterday" by Boyz II Men, as you will need it for reflective background music as I begin my goodbye speech)

Jason made me fall in love with baseball. We didn't watch sports in my house growing up. I had zero exposure to the world of baseball. My dad wasn't a sports fan and my mom (a closet sports fan) followed his lead. When I was 18, the guy I was dating suggested we watch a baseball game. I agreed, mostly because I wanted to impress him. And then there was Tek. One look, I was hooked. I can't explain it. He hit a home run in the very first game I ever watched. For some reason, with my complete lack of knowledge for the sport, I didn't expect that catchers were able to hit. Tek hit. I fell in love. From that moment on, I needed to know everything I could about the novel concept I had just witnessed. Baseball. Imagine that.

Fast forward eight years. I know I said I'm ready for Tek to not be on the team any more, but I'm not. I'll never be ready. I want him on the team, I just don't neccessarily want him playing! That's not too much to ask, right? We've got a bunch of guys on the team who didn't play last year and a bunch more who won't be playing this year. We give THEM money. We let THEM show up to the park. Sign Tek for league minimum and give him unneccessary surgery!

If our GM or our manager or our Larry Lucchino think that Kelly Shoppach is the answer to anything other than 'who is a worse offensive and defensive catcher than a 40 year old Jason Varitek,' they are either fooling themselves or they are morons. Honestly, I do not see a single upgrade in Shoppach other than he's not 40. He's not even good looking. We got rid of him for a reason back in the day. If anyone in the organization honestly believed that he was worth retaining, they wouldn't have traded him to begin with. Theo held on to his favorite minor leaguers with an iron grip. We didn't believe in Shoppach then, and I have less reasons to believe in him now.

I understand wanting to save money, but do we really have to downgrade at positions? I'm not liking this. Bringing back Ortiz was a gesture of good faith to the fanbase, but you've got to do better than Shoppach. In case I haven't mentioned this, I hate Shoppach.

But, if this is goodbye, Jason, I want you to know that I cherished every moment of our time together. My well-worn Varitek jersey will never be retired (not until it is literally falling apart beyond repair) and I will support you no matter where you may end up. My heart breaks at the thought of you leaving. I know I was distraught when Mikey left, and we hadn't shared as many moments as you and I have, Jason. I thought we were in it for the long haul, but I guess fate has decided to tear us apart. Maybe in some other capacity, we can be together again. I'll never forget you, oh captain, my captain. Now please give me a moment. I think I have something in my eye.

Welcome To The Smear Parade: Starting Right On Schedule

Hi, friends. It's me. Jup. I know I've been mostly absent during Red Sox Nation's time of need, but please know that I have never actually left you. I've just been speechless.

Now, this doesn't happen to me very often. I'm quite the opinionated young lady. I can be pretty witty when I want to be. Yet, in the wake of all that happened in September, I've found myself with nothing to say, no desire to analyze, and no clue what will become of my beloved team. It's been a time of introspection and mourning. I've mourned the playoff aspirations of my team as I stare blankly at the unused ALDS home game 1 tickets. I mourn the loss of Tito... simply the greatest Red Sox manager of my lifetime, and likely of all time. I mourn the 2011 Red Sox, as they will surely be a new beast with the dawning of spring training 2012. I mourn a lost season.

Ok, now that I'm done being dramatic, may I say this is all absolutely ridiculous. I will not believe one single slanderous front-office-based word that comes out about Tito, and I know any of my fellow Red Sox friends with brains will also know better. If I'm being completely honest, I could care less that Theo is gone. I can name more horrible moves he's made (Renteria, Lugo, Drew, Dice-K, Lackey, Gagne, Cameron, Jenks... just to name a few)than wonderful moves (trading for Ernie... signing Alex Gonzales twice.... um....) so I'm not sad to see him go. I only wish he could have taken some of his major-flop contracts with him.

If I want to go on to be more honest, I think it's time for Varitek to move on. Jason will forever be my favorite player and I didn't think it possible that I would see the day where I didn't want him on my team any more.... but I think it might be time to part ways with him. I don't feel honest calling him the captain any more. The 'C' should probably be put in storage until we see a leader emerge, or we can just give it to Munchkin.

I don't like hearing Papi talk of bolting to the Yankees. You may be mad at the front office, but please don't try to punish the fans for what they've done to you. By saying that, all you're doing is hurting us.... the ones that have stood by you during your entire tenure here. I respectfully ask you to stop this nonsense, Papi.

I have not come to a decision on what needs to be done about Wakefield. My heart says keep him, but my brain asks if his head is actually in the game or on his stats. I had never heard Timmy talk of individual accomplishments before, and it worries me. Though, I agree... we do deserve to watch him chase that record. But is that in the best interest of the other 24 guys?

I may not like knowing that Beckett, Lester, and Lackey were drinking, eating chicken, and playing video games in the clubhouse during gamedays, but finding out about this only now makes the Boston media look like a bunch of assholes. They have no problems reporting on other crap, like pending divorces or child support papers being served, crap that has no business in the sports section, but they don't tell us what's going on in the clubhouse. Disingenuous.

I'm anxious and nervous to see what other changes will be made. I am willing to garner no guesses over the fate of Papelbon. I don't like that our pitchers haven't made any public statements about the accusations. I don't like the front office for the way any of this is being handled.... but I love my team, and I will stick by them. And I'm here for you guys if you need a shoulder to cry on. Because I feel your pain.

Pedroia Is The Show: Everyone Else Is A Background Character

You know I would never take away from the importance of Beckett, but if it weren't for MC Laser Show, we would have been lost. No... wait, we would have lost, not would have been lost. He drove in three of the four runs we gathered on the night, with Tek driving in the other one. Strangely, both of them made outs at second base after RBI singles, so that was dumb. I don't like having so many baserunners thrown out trying to stretch singles into doubles. Especially Tek. Tek, darling, you can't run. It's not worth trying!

Beckett actually did get on my nerves yesterday. His first inning was a tad sketchy. His second inning was beautiful and ended with an easy-to-manage pitch count. But the third? Meh. All he had to do was hold the lead they gave him, and that's the one thing he failed to do. Overall, he could have been far worse. Three runs in seven innings with four strikeouts and no walks against one of the worse teams in baseball is nothing to sing songs about, but it'll do. 110 pitches in seven innings also isn't the best we've gotten out of him. Again, I'll limit my nugacious complaints because we won the game. Had we lost, heads would be on chopping blocks.

So, news is that Youkilis is now on the DL with a severe case of suck (which they kindly referred to as 'back trouble,' but we all know) and David Ortiz is down with a case of 'needing a vacation' which they covered up by calling it bursitis and putting him in a boot, so the Sox decided that we needed an offensive boost. Granted, they're about three weeks late to that party, but they called up Ryan Lavarnway to pump up our boys. He may not have gotten a hit last night, but I think he put the fear of God into Tek. Our old man catcher was hustling, for sure. Guess he wants to keep his job. Not gonna lie, I want him to keep it, too. It's got to be hard seeing the ghost of Christmas future hanging out in the dugout.

The Sox ended up with nine hits for the night, matching their hit total from the past three games. Thanks for waking up a little, bats. You're going to need to be fully caffeinated with Andrew Miller on the mound tonight, and I demand that by the time Wakey takes the mound on Saturday that you've gotten your shit together. Really, I don't ask for too much, do I?

Invisible Offense: Sox Do Nothing

Aside from solo home runs from my darling Jason and the suspicious Pretzels, we had nothing. In eighteen innings yesterday, the boys managed six hits, and three of them were home runs. The other three were singles. There's a problem here. I know Papi is sick (and I hope he gets well soon!) and I know Youkilis is all sore and grumpy for whatever reason, but six hits in eighteen innings? Come on, boys, you're far too talented for that.

I wanted a happy post here, because Lowrider, Munchkin, and Ernie worked together in the fourth inning to record a triple play. A triple play! Do you know how rare triple plays are? I should have been able to write about how awesome it was, and what a great job everyone did to make sure we won on a night where the defense managed a motherfreakin' triple play but I CAN'T! Because aside from the triple play and the two home runs every other moment of this game was useless to me! Bedard recorded a quality start but couldn't get any run support and lost the game. Jeff Niemman collected ten strikeouts from our lineup! TEN! That's more than our collective total of baserunners for the entire day.

I'm trying not to get annoyed, but I'm sure you can clearly see that I am failing that goal. Everyone on the team needs coffee. Lots and lots of coffee since they are obviously falling asleep at the plate. I can provide them with said coffee as I have a source at a coffee distribution center. This can happen. Where do I deliver the magical caffinated beans? Because I don't want to watch the boys sleep any more. We've only got a month and a half left to the season, and I loudly request that we don't end the season the way we started it. The way to avoid that? Coffee. Obviously.

I'll get on it. For now, start praying that Mudpie manages a good game, because we're .5 games out of the division lead, and I'm not comfortable here in second place.

Varitek Celebrity Putt-Putt: Pictures!

See? Told you I'd have them up by Monday. Not the greatest shots in the world, but they're something!

Unfortunately, the rest of them came out even blurrier... there was one of Tim Wakefield tickling Salty's daughter, but the quality was not up-to-par. Oh well. Never say I don't give you anything. Back to the game!

It's Wednesday: I'm Still Writing About The Weekend

Does it count as slacking if I'm trying really hard to make up for lost time? Because I feel like I should get a little bit of credit here. Better late than never, right?

Thankfully, I'm wrapping up the weekend (finally!) and then we can move on to the two games that already happened this week. Don't look at me with that shame and disappointment in your eyes, I feel bad enough as it is. Today, we discuss Andrew Miller.

Andrew seems like a fine young fellow, to be sure. Potential. Velocity. But mostly potential. Location, on the other hand, is a constant problem. With an ERA now sitting at 5.36 and a WHIP of 1.884, Andrew doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence in me. Though his BAbip is a slightly high .341 (MLB average = .299) and we can probably expect the hits to come down a bit in the future, 51 hits in 40 innings is still scary. To top it off, his BB/K ratio is exactly 1.00. For every strikeout, he walks a guy. I watch his location. Too many times, where Tek is set up and where Andrew throws the ball is too far off for comfort. So what's with this guy? Is it bad luck or is it just a case of potential that cannot be realized? Detroit and Florida quit on him, so obviously he's the type of player that Theo wants to tap into because Theo knows that even in a tight pennant race (like, um, the one we're in), the talent level on the team will be able to compensate for acquisition mistakes. In other words, we have the luxury of being able to give him a chance to achieve said potential. This is a luxury that most teams do not have.

Take Sunday. Miller pitched 5.2 innings and came out of the game trailing by a run. He had an ok game. The hits (10) were a little outrageous for five plus innings, but he only allowed one walk and managed eight strikeouts. He was one third of an inning away from his first dictionary-definition quality start since July 2nd, but a high pitch count prohibited him from continuing on after Juan Pierre's sixth inning single. Luckily, behind him in the bullpen were Aceves, Bard, and Papelbon, who finished out the game by allowing only one additional hit between them. They gave the Sox a chance to come back and win the game. Our bullpen has been incredible this season. As has our offense.

A seventh-inning rally got Miller off the hook and made sure Aceves got the win for another fine job out of the pen. An additional run in the ninth made the lead a little more comfortable. Oh, did I mention that Tek hit a home run? Because I'm pretty sure that was my favorite part of the game. Again. Tek, love, well-documented, blah blah blah. I repeat myself a lot. I'm aware of this issue.

I'm glad the boys walked away with a win, but I'm still uncomfortable with the thought of Miller on the mound. He makes me nervous, and I don't enjoy being nervous. Unfortunately, the man who pitched Monday? He just makes me angry. I think the tone of my next post is going to be angry, and I apologize for that in advance. Sorry, guys.

Lucky Man: Offense Shows Up For Miller

Andrew Miller, I hope you treated the entire starting lineup to a steak dinner last night. Wow. That was some bad pitching, Andrew. Truly bad. The location was way off of where Tek was setting up, and you weren't fooling anyone. The Kansas City Royals, though a fine young team, are 17 games under .500, and you couldn't make it out of the fourth inning without giving up nine hits and seven runs. And yet.... yet, you didn't lose. That is luck.

Or maybe it's not luck. Maybe it's talent. Not Miller's talent. No, everyone else's talent. Miller has the benefit of being on a very good offensive team. As a matter of fact, our boys were the top offensive team in the AL during the first half of the season. They made a game out of this shitshow, and they brought home a win for Aceves... you know, the guy who pitched 1/3rd of an inning less than Miller and managed to give up seven fewer runs? Yeah, that guy. He has been priceless to the Sox. There's no debate there.

Another guy who's been priceless basically for his entire career? Yep. The Muddy Chicken Laser Show Munchkin. Whatever you want to call him, he's irreplacable. Right now, our mighty midget is up to a 23 game hit streak and is impervious to superstition. Didn't he look like a twelve year old last night with no facial hair? I think it's precious. Regardless of what age MC Laser Show appears, he actually is a grown-up who can hit Major League pitching like nobody's business. Little guy was a home run short of the cycle last night, and his deep fly in his last at-bat looked like it had a chance. Oh well, another time.

Between the Chicken and Papi collecting eight hits, the love of my life had a solo home run in the seventh, keeping that batting average up to .235. Listen, .235 might be nothing worth writing home over, but for our elderly backup catcher, isn't that good enough? I think it is! And I'm always right... at least in my world.

Franklin Morales had another rough outing, giving up 2 runs in the ninth. I did specifically ask Franklin not to make a habit out of giving up runs. He may not have heard me, so I'll remind him: Franklin, I would appreciate if you did not make a habit out of giving up runs late in the game, ok? I know we had a comfortable lead, but 13-9 is honestly a little too close for comfort.... especially against the Royals.

I'm happy with the game. I am! I'm happy with MC Laser Show, and Papi, and Tek, and Aceves, and what the hell, let's give some credit to Albers because he's been solid. I'd like to see Andrew Miller locate better, and I think it's silly that we couldn't get a hit off of their outfielder, but it's fine. We'll be ready for him next time.

Tonight, Lackey tries to seal up at least a series tie against Bruce Chen. I have zero faith in Lackey, but you never know. He likes to pitch well when I'm not at the park, so he'll probably throw a no-hitter. And he'd do it to spite me.

Joshua Wins: Tito Gets To 1,000

Who better to have on the mound when you're going for your 1,000th win as a manager than JPB? Well, Pedro in his prime, of course, but since that was not available, we'll go with Josh. Wasn't Josh pretty on the mound Saturday? The hits may have been a little high, but the runs were low, and he recorded one strikeout for every hit surrendered. That's balance. Josh was well-balanced. And pretty. Did I mention pretty, because that's really high up there on the list. And by 'Beckett was pretty', I mean 'Beckett's fastball was pretty.... also, Josh is an attractive man, but definitely love the fastball.'

Despite being pretty with a delightful fastball, a pleasant changeup, and a lovely curveball, Josh walked off the field without a lead. A solo home run to My Carp to begin the seventh was the difference in the game when Josh finished up.... and then the offense took over.

It wasn't the most explosive rally we've ever seen in the seventh, but I will never turn my nose up at a three-run rally.... especially when that rally is started by a bases-empty, 2-out single from the love of my baseball life. Strangely enough, it was Pretzels again to do the damage and seal up the win for Josh. Munchkin and Ernie combined to distract David Pauley enough for the third run to score, and there's your offense.

At the end of the day, Josh picked up the win, lowered his ERA, and gave me a good reason to recap the game. Usually I get these recaps up early on Monday, and I'm only on Saturday's game. Man, I am dragging today. I wouldn't expect much better out of me tomorrow, though.

Up next, Tim Wakefield goes for win #199, and I miss everything after the fifth inning and I pretend that I knew what happened. Stay tuned!

500!: That's A Big Number

Here's the deal.... I haven't been posting. I've been sitting on post #499 for pretty much the entire week because I was trying to come up with something fun and awesome for my 500th post. And you know what? I give up. I have no research projects or fun tirades to go on. So now we're back to the drivel. Hope you're all cool with that.

Actually, in the land of happiness and sunshine, I got to attend Jason Varitek's Celebrity Putt-Putt last evening. I dopishly said three words to Jason as I was photographed with him. I can't help myself... it's the thighs. They make me speechless. Around him, I am the ultimate fangirl and all I can do is giggle. He looked positively stunning in his purple golf shirt, folks.

I also spent a significant amount of time standing near Joshua Patrick. I was behind the guard rail, so I didn't get to, you know, talk to him. He didn't acknowledge most of the folks outside of the guard rail. But I snapped a bunch of fancy pictures of him in which he looks completely possessed. Josh might be the devil. Just putting that out there. I'm ok with it, though.

I saw Salty holding a small child who I will presume is his daughter. Tim Wakefield had her giggling because he kept reaching over to tickle her. I'd like to believe that Wakefield tickles everyone. It seems like a very grandfatherish thing to do, and he should be grandfatherish. It was pretty adorable.

I was lead to believe that Lester, Youk, and Ernie were going to be at this event. I didn't see any of them, but I did get stuck staring at Lackey. Who let him out of his cage, huh? I demand my money back. Now he's trying to ruin non-baseball games for me, and I don't think that's acceptable.

I'll try to put a couple of pictures up later if I remember... and I will edit them into this entry and delete this paragraph so it looks like it all went up together seamlessly. And that's that. Five hundred posts. Thanks to all you nice people who keep coming back to read my ramblings!

Punchy Sort of Week: Cookies and Spine Punches For Jays Series

He looks ready for spine punches, don't you think?

I've been really good about not having Timlin punch many spines lately. It's part of my effort to be more positive about baseball in general, and I think it's going well. This week, though? A couple of punches need to be distributed. It's only fair. But don't worry, because there are plenty of cookies to hand out, too!

As a side note, I'm kind of surprised I'm still doing this. I'm way beyond my typical two-weeks-before-boredom mark. Oh well! Let's hand 'em out!

Varitek - 70 cookies - plus five for blocking the plate (I guess? Maybe?) and driving in one of our three RBIs in game 2.
Munchkin - 43 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 2 for his GM 2 home run. Chicks dig the long ball, guys.
Wakefield - 37 cookies - plus six for career win #198, Sox career win #184
Papi - 35 cookies - plus 2 for the double that started the game 2 mini-rally.
Beckett - 30 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Youk - 23 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch
Drew - 16 cookies - plus two for driving in a run in Gm 2
Lester - 14 cookies - plus three so his injury heals faster. Also for having a no-hitter for a couple of innings.
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch
Ellsbury - 11 cookies - plus five for having a great game 3.
Crawford - 10 cookies
Ernie - 10 cookies
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Salty - 7 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus one for a game 1 triple
Dan Wheeler - 7 cookies - plus six for crucial clean innings after the Lackey fiasco in game one.
Aceves - 6 cookies
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Paps - 2 cookies, 2 Timlin spine punch - plus one spine punch and minus two cookies for two really bad performances in a row.
Matt Albers - 2 cookies for pitching in after the Lester injury
Franklin Moralez - 2 cookies for the same reason as Albers
Daniel Bard - 2 cookies.... see above.
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Yamaico Navarro - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies, 3 spine punches - plus three spine punches because HE SUCKS.
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches

No, Jonny, NOOOOOO!: Sox Win Despite Lester's Injury

Jonny Bear, how could you!? How could you strain your left lat and come out of a no-hitter before I even got home? I know I was a lot later than usual and I should have been there to watch you, but you knew I'd be there. Oh God, this is all my fault, isn't it?!

Faux melodramatics aside... I am kind of worried about Jon being injured. See, we sort of need him. Unlike the OTHER starter with the initials JL, THIS JL is actually important to the team. I just hope that with rest and the ASB coming up, Jon won't miss too much time, because honestly... we need him. A lot. Our left-handed Beckett. Our co-ace. Our no-hit hero. Am I pushing this too far? I don't care. He's vital. I love Jon.

Papelbon, on the other hand.... oh man. Jonathan, I seriously hope you took Tek and Ronald out for as much alcohol as their livers could handle, because they saved your dancing ass. With two out, two on, and two runs already in, Paps allowed a single to left. Encarnacion came running home. Ronald shot that ball back in to Tek like it was his job, and Tek blocked the plate and somehow by the grace of all that is holy, got the out at home. I know that John Farrel doesn't think Tek made the tag, but John? You're not in Boston any more. No one cares what you think. I barely cared what you thought while you were here. Since baseball refuses instant replay, you have to live with the call. To me, all biases aside, I thought he made the tag. Maybe I saw it wrong. Who knows? It was two great plays to cover up some crappy pitching from our closer. Jonathan, though, was the only pitcher out of the pen who had a bad night. Matt Albers, Franklin Morales, and Daniel Bard were all fantastic, stepping up huge when we needed them. Cookies are coming to you three. Just be patient.

So how did we score our three runs? Let me tell you a story....

Once upon a time in the magical land of Fenway, the mighty giant David stood on second base. Our hero, Captain Varitek saw him stranded in a sea of blue and cast a spell that made the little white orb that held mighty David at second fly into left field. David ran home safely and Captain Tek replaced him on the base. Seeing that the Captain was now stuck, the oft-injured JD The Broken took it upon himself to save Varitek from the curse of the white orb. He also sent the ball flying, this time to right, and the Captain was free to return home. Then one inning later, the Mighty Midget hit a home run, and that's your story, kids. Go to bed.

Yes, I know it's not even 8 AM, go to bed anyway. No? Well, you WERE good in listening to the story. I'll reward you with some lovely pictures of the Captain from Monday's game. Just three. I wouldn't want to spoil your appetite. Here you go.

You're welcome.