Texas Cookies: Rewards For A Good Weekend

I've given Timlin the weekend off from his spine-punching duties. He's had to work pretty hard lately, so I figure the least I could do is not have him punch spines after a sweep. Unfortunately, I already know that after the Jays series, he's going to be right back to work.

Jason is still way WAY in the lead, and it doesn't look like he's going to relinquish that lead any time soon. I promised right from the start that I would be biased toward him, so don't act surprised.

Varitek - 65 cookies - plus six for his efforts in game three
Munchkin - 41 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus three for game 1 RBIs
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Beckett - 30 cookies - plus six for finishing the sweep
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Youk - 23 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus six for playing effectively through an injured ankle
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch
Lester - 11 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Ernie - 10 cookies - plus 3 for game 1 RBIs
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Yamaico Navarro - 1 cookie for his first ML home run
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches

Beckett: Swoon.

That's all I have to say about Josh. He didn't swoon; he makes me swoon with his pitches and his grumpiness and his lack of chin. For people like Posada, it's laughable, but it works for Beckett. He uses the facial hair well to craft a shadow chin. Now that I've established how much I love Josh, I will be up front and say I haven't watched this game yet. I pretty much haven't been home for two days, so I recorded it, but I didn't get to see it yet. Don't tell me what happened, guys. I want to see it for myself.

I knew we won, and I knew the final score, but I don't know how that score happened, so I'm going to live-blog my reaction to going over the recap of the game! Let's go!

Ok, my initial reaction is that they need to find a picture of Josh that doesn't make him look constipated. I know it's his pitching face, but I think a picture of the scowl would work just as well, don't you? How about a stare-down? Josh likes to stare. I've seen him do it. There are so many better pictures of our little All-Star. I know! I have about a hundred of them. Alright, let me move passed the picture in the front and check the box. Huh. Each team had six hits? Before scrolling down, I can see that since Joshy got the win, and the Sox didn't score the winning run till the ninth inning, he must have stayed in the game a good long while.... but we'll get there. I want to look at the hitters' stats first.

Youk is the only one credited with an RBI? There must have been a double play in there somewhere. That's slightly irksome, but nothing I can do about it now. Let's see... two hits for Pretzels... oh yeah, that's what I'm calling Ellsbury from now on since he's made of pretzels and marshmallows. I didn't want to forget, because I'm going to stop using CRW. It's all Pretzels from here on out! Anyway, Munchkin was on base three times (one hit, two walks), Ernie also walked twice. Ooh! Tek got a hit. That's pretty awesome. I feel like his batting average has been respectable for an aging backup catcher, don't you? He's getting a hit once every four at-bats. You can't argue with that math. Hey, apparently that hit was a double! That's pretty cool. Showing some power there, Jason? Nice.

Let's move on to pitching. Oh, Joshua, look at your line! It's beautiful! 8 IP 5H 1ER 0BB 11K? That's just fantastic. There are cookies in your future, dearest. Chocolate chip bacon cookies. You seem like you'd enjoy them, and trust me, they're pretty darn good. Paps seems to have had a nice inning too, but I'm not going to give him cookies because I don't want to. I love how I am completely ignoring the Astros' side of the stat page. It doesn't hold any relevance for me.

Now a quick visit to the play-by-play page so I can see how all three runs in the game were scored. So that double play I thought existed? It didn't. Jason (oh, how I love him!) reached on a force attempt and a run scored because Brett Wallace messed up. I'm not complaining about it, I just wish Tek could have gotten an RBI for that. I feel he should have one. I guess to make up for it, in the bottom of the fifth, Wallace doubled and was driven home by Angel Sanchez to tie the game. Boo! Do. Not. Like. Now to the ninth... Kevin Youkilis walked in a run? Really? That's got to be painful for Houston. Walking in the winning run in the ninth? Ouch. Hey, I'll take it, but that's not a pretty way to win. Luckily, like I say all the time, there are no style points in baseball.

Well, I'm happy, and I very much look forward to watching this game. I love watching wins. It's so much more fun that watching John Lackey... who I will angrily get to in a little while. I've got cookies to hand out first...

Mostly Spine Punches: But Still, A Few Cookies

After the last nine games, going 3 and 6, I was absolutely prepared to just spine punch everyone. Funny how one little win lightens my mood so much. The only one who is getting punched is Bobby Jenks, and you know he deserves it.

Since Mike Cameron is not on the team any more, he's being removed from the cookie list. I'm sorry, Mike, but you have to make it to the end of the season to get your cookies. Again, I wish you well. Here we go.

Varitek - 59 cookies - 12 cookies for participating in the It Gets Better Project, and six for the two home runs in game three.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch
Papi - 33 cookies
Wakefield - 31 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Youk - 17 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - also gets twelve for the IGBP.
Drew - 14 cookies
Tito - 12 cookies, one Timlin spine punch - Nice participation, Tito. Also, thanks for getting Jenks out before it was too late.
Lester - 11 cookies - plus six for pitching one hell of a game
Crawford - 10 cookies
Dahmer - 8 cookies
Ernie - 7 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches
Paps - 4 cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch - plus three for finishing the ninth
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Lowrider - 3 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies
Jenks - 3 Timlin spine punches - -1 cookie, plus three spine punches for being worthless.

Red Sox Agree: It Gets Better

For those who want to see the video that the Red Sox put together to support the "It Gets Better Project" and the "Trevor Project," go on and click right here. I wish I could embed the video, but that little elf Bud Selig won't let me.

It's great to see the Red Sox tossing in their support for these worthy projects. You can read about the "It Gets Better Project" by going to itgetsbetter.org. While you're there, you can pledge to do your part to end hate and intolerance in your community. Having grown up with plenty of friends in the LGBT community, I fully support this cause. It does get better. I've seen it get better. Nice job, Red Sox. And way to give me more reasons to love you, Tek!

Half-assed Live Blogging: Hoping For Some Magic

The intent was, obviously, to live blog this game for the sake of doing it. I looked at the lineups, and I'm not so sure I want to continue. Youkilis is out with an injured ankle. McDonald is batting second, Pedroia's batting fourth, Tek is batting fifth, and Sutton is somehow in the lineup. Suffice it to say... I miss Crawford, and I miss having Papi in the lineup. Let's hope these nine make me eat my words.

Word coming out right now is that Mike Cameron was designated for assignment, and Yamaico Navarro is being bused in from Pawtucket as we speak. It's sad, because I liked Cameron enough, but it was time. We were getting nothing from him. Good luck, Mike!
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Ok, first pitch. Let's go before I start internet shopping. I almost just bought a new pair of heels, but at some point in everyone's lives, they need to stop and ask themselves "Just how many zebra print heels do I need?"
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First inning! Alright! Here we go! Ells gets on and then..... ugh, F**K you, Ronald. You're horrible. That pitch was right down the middle. At least have the decency to strike out and stop dragging everyone down with you. Sometimes I hate you guys. Hopefully Lester is better than you three.

Bottom first! Nice work, Jonny. I felt like you were wasting a few pitches there, but who am I to argue with results? Now you've set a precedent, and I'll know if you're not trying as hard. Just saying.
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Second inning! Man, you guys are going to have to do something, because I cannot keep up this faux enthusiasm all afternoon while you fail at everything. Right now, Sutton and Ernie are tied for the 'Taking the Most Pitches' award. There's no prize. Everyone should want to win, though.

Bottom second! Ok, WHO gave Lester permission to walk anyone? Cause I sure as heck didn't! I can't see Jon's reaction, because I'm GameDaying this, but I'm pretty sure he scowled at the result of his second pitch to Ibanez. It was very strikey. So is Ibanez. Out.
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Third inning! I swear, if you guys don't muster up something, I'm ditching the exclamation points for the next half inning. That is a threat. Fine, you guys obviously don't love my enthusiasm. It's gone. I'm pouting from now on.

Bottom third. Christ, Jon, he's the pitcher! You can throw him strikes! He threw YOU strikes! Ball one to Jimmy Rollins? CLEARLY a strike, ump. But it doesn't matter. He got them anyway. Perhaps I'll give Jon the enthusiasm back. He seems to be the only one to appreciate it! (<--- see? Enthusiasm! Well earned!)
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Fourth inning (<--- no enthusiasm. Also well earned). Really, Ronald? Ugh. These are not productive at-bats, gentleman! You might want to take your heads out of your asses and do something. What say you, Munchkin? You say no? Well, I hate you, too.

Bottom fourth! Come on Jon, I hate the rest of your team mates... what? Yes, I am aware I come off as a very angry person. That's not MY fault. It's sort of all you guys' fault. Guess you all know what you need to do to change my outlook on the world, huh? Have I ever mentioned that I disapprove of the shape of Placido Polanco's head? I do. It's a troubling shape. One thing I can say about the home plate ump... he is consistent in missing the bottom of the strike zone. I'd like to know where he thinks that thing ends. Ok.... now I'm really angry. Chase Utley, consider yourself hated. Forever. And Jim Wolf, Mr. Home Plate Umpire, someone needs to explain to you how a strike zone works. You've effectively took away the bottom third of the strike zone from Jon. I blame you for all the failure. And there's a lot of failure going on.
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Fifth inning. Is it offensive to say that the Sox couldn't get two hits if they were locked in a room with an angry Ike Turner? Is that reference too outdated? I need to get up-to-date with my pop culture references, guys. Ok, failures. Hammels is coming out of the game, presumably with an injury. It's about freakin' time to make the Philly bullpen pay. DO. SOMETHING. USEFUL!

Ok, Tek, taking eight pitches after the starter comes out doesn't count as useful. Nice try, though. You've supplanted Sutton and Ernie as the leader in the "Taking The Most Pitches" award. REDDICKULOUS! You tripled! I am so proud of you! How's third base? Maybe you can come home and then tell your teammates tales of how amazing and beautiful the view from third is, and perhaps it will inspire them to visit third themselves. Maybe? Ok, Sutton. That was useful. I get it. I need to say mean, disparaging things about you guys more often because you are constantly hell-bent on proving me wrong. Great. Keep proving me wrong. I like when you do that. Though, I would have liked it better if you had gotten consecutive hits and runs while Lester had his no-no going. I guess I can't be that picky.

I'm not making promises, but it looks like I'll be handing out cookies after the game after all. Reddick, I hope you like chocolate chip. And Ronald? I hope you don't need your spine for anything. 2-0 Sox.

Bottom fifth! Now we have actual runs, so I can be slightly enthusiastic again! I continue to love Jon Lester, though that pitch count is getting a little high, darling. Keep it in mind for the next inning. Thanks.
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Top sixth! Jason, my love! Did you hit that home run to shut me up? It worked. I am full of joy again, and it's all thanks to you. Nothing else in this half inning matters. It's all about your home run, darling.

Bottom sixth! Jon Lester keeps rolling. I feel like he took my advice with that whole pitch count thing. Hey Beckett? Lackey? I hope you two are paying attention.
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Top seventh! I love you, Jon Lester, but I'm glad you don't have to bat for us regularly. Um, Tito... not that I'm complaining about Ronald coming out of the game, but when you have someone who obviously doesn't want to play as much as Drew does, why bother to pinch-hit him? He could have just been a defensive replacement. But fine, let him one-pitch-rally-kill again. Far be it for me to question your decisions.

Bottom seventh! Ok, up over 100 pitches now and allowing a single to Howard? Please stop that. Keep it at two hits. I'd like to update my post about Tek's no, one, and two hitters, and I can't do that unless you stop it. Again, Mr. Wolf decides that he doesn't like calling that many strikes for Jon. Sure, it looked like a close pitch, but it WAS a strike. And on his 120th pitch, Lester struck out Raul Ibanez to end the biggest threat the Phillies had going for them to this point. I can't imagine that he'll be back out for the eight. That would be stupid, Tito.
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Top eighth! Munchkin finally breaks out of his slump and homers! Two home runs in one game? My God, I don't even know what to make of this, but I like it.... TEK! Again! Oh my, I didn't think I could love you any more than I already did, but a two home run game has exponentially increased my love for all things Jason. Limited playing time does wonders for my darling. Just for the record, I would willingly take more half-innings like that any day.

So, I wrote out the rest of the game, but Blogger decided to Jenks it up and it is no longer here. I have no desire to rehash the Jenksing, so all you need to know is that Bobby was horrible, Lester got the win, and Paps made a save. All in all, a pretty good Thursday!

Tale of Two Games: Sox Destroy Padres' Bullpen

This is David Ortiz. You might know him as the man who took 14 pitches in the first inning.
This was a tight, exciting game, yes it was. For six and a half whole innings, this game was close and tense, and we didn't know what was going to happen. That is what I'm going to refer to as game one. Andrew Miller debuted in game one and pitched serviceably until the 6th inning when he gave up a three-run home run and blew his own game. He couldn't finish the 6th, but I can't fault him for that because game two, also known as the bottom of the seventh and beyond, made up for it. First, a quick review of game one.

The most important thing to know is that I love Dave Roberts. You also love Dave Roberts, because it's the law. Seeing his happy, healthy, smiling face makes every bit of my day a little better, even my commute. Despite his happiness, I was still a little peeved in the first inning. Why, you ask? Well, another first inning bases loaded situation came and went, and the Sox minimized their own damage. After a seven-minute 14-pitch at bat to Papi, Ronald took one pitch and boom! Out. Scutaro took five, but he also wasted the runners. I didn't appreciate that lack of effort. Still, we almost came out of game one with the lead. We settled for a tie.

Couldn't find my pictures of Ernie, so I figured Tek is always a safe bet.
The seventh was it's own beast. Almost all of the relevant offensive points for the Sox took place in the seventh. First, Munchkin and Ernie teamed up to put the Sox back on top with a walk (technically to CRW, but Munchkin grounded into a force-out and took his place on first) and a wall-ball double. Yay, we're winning! Good enough, right?

No, apparently. Because it kept going. An intentional walk to Papi to load the bases. Scutaro gets hit by a pitch... then Varitek gets hit by a pitch. We've got a three-run lead now. Reddickulous singles, two runs score. 8-3. CRW singles. Pedroia walks and Tek comes in. 9-3. Ernie singles and two come in. 11-3. Youkilis doubles and two more come in. 13-3 Sox. The Padres threw more than 60 pitches in the 7th alone. Where were all these two-out hits in April?!

CRW added one more bases-loaded walk in the 8th, just to, you know, demoralize the Padres. They looked fairly demoralized. Bud Black looked like he couldn't seem to wake up from a terrible nightmare. Dave Roberts... eh, I think he was still smiling.

You knew the game was a laugher when Don and Jerry started... well, laughing. Laughing about chickens in the crowd. Laughing about their promo. Laughing that Jerry doesn't undo his ties. I know... it has nothing to do with baseball, but I sure do enjoy listening to them go off on tangents and get so worked up that they can't breathe. It's the little things, guys.

Josh is sick, presumably from high-fiving Youkilis after Youk spit on his hands. Again, baseball players are gross! Wash your hands, you slobs. So Aceves is taking his spot in the rotation today. What are the odds that Lackey falls ill tomorrow? I really hate the thought of wasting a beautiful day at Fenway having to see Lackey pitch.

Brewers Series: Cookies. Lots of Cookies.

I've got many, many pictures of Pedroia
It helps that Munchkin earned cookies this week, otherwise having him head the post would be silly, wouldn't it? Everyone who is DL'ed gets cookies this week, because cookies make people feel better. There were a few planned spine punches, but because of all the injuries, I've taken Timlin off task. Wouldn't want him straining his fist.

Varitek - 41 cookies - plus 2 for Game 1 RBI double, plus 2 for catching Chara's first pitch.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 3 for key game 1 DP, plus 2 for game three home run
Papi - 33 cookies - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Wakefield - 31 cookies - plus 12 for being incredible!
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Drew - 14 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Dahmer - 8 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Ernie - 7 cookies - for having 1,000 career hits
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies - plus 2 for having a multi-hit game in inning 1 of game 3
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lester - 5 cookies - minus 3 for a bad game
Youk - 5 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Cameron - 3 cookies 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lowrider - 3 cookies for being injured
Jenks - 1 cookie
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies - plus 3 for not being too horrible
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch

John Lackey: Better Buy Pedroia Dinner

Jacoby led off the first with a HR, so he leads off the blog, too.

That was... man, that was a long first inning. The rest of the game wasn't that bad, but the first inning was something like 45 minutes long. It was also scary. Carl Crawford, who hustled his butt off down to first, came up lame and instantly came out of the game. Hamstring injury. Disabled list. Damnit. The plus side was that we matched the two runs that Lackey allowed (the first on a leadoff HR for CRW). On the Brewers side, Shawn Marcum also came out with an injury after throwing 44 pitches.

In the second after a Munchkin walk and an Ernie double, Youk smacked a 2-run single to put us on top for... oh, about five minutes. Lackey gave the two runs right back in the top of the third, but he settled down after that and still managed to go 8 innings. The key play in the game was the double play Munchkin turned in the 3rd. The double play came after four straight hits and two runs that Lackey surrendered pretty quickly. Describing the DP is impossible. It was incredible. It was a play that only Pedroia could make, and he made it perfectly. After that play, I started feeling good about the game. I know I wasn't the only one. Lackey better have thanked him profusely with words, food, and alcohol.

The Sox weren't done scoring even if the Brewers were. Ernie led off the 5th with a solo home run, finally putting us in the lead for good. Unfortunately, Youkilis came out of the game with 'intestinal distress.' Word to the Red Sox: If you guys would stop spitting on yourselves and high-fiving everyone, intestinal distress wouldn't spread so quickly around the clubhouse. You're all gross. Baseball players are gross. Tangent. Anyway... The sixth was my favorite, because the 6th featured offense from Varitek and that will always beat out anything else. JD walked and Tek doubled him in. Two batters later, Munchkin singled him in. In the 7th, Ronald (who came in to replace Carl) drove in a run, and JD drove in a pair... and that was all the scoring that would happen.

The injuries are starting to pile up again. It's a tad bit frightening, and I know I'm not the only one who has mild PTSD from last season's injury-fest. Crawford was officially put on the DL, and Josh Reddick was called up to take his place. I hope Carl heals quickly, but in the meantime, I will enjoy Reddick's presence.

Tampa Series: Cookies and Spine Punches

Love this picture

Another series win for the Sox, and the first time in a long time that I assign spine punches. Sorry guys. You deserve it. But on the cookie side of things, I had several dozen to hand out, so good job! And Varitek (as expected) is in the lead!

Varitek - 37 cookies - plus 6 for another one-hitter
Munchkin - 33 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 2 for triple in gm 2
Papi - 32 cookies
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies - plus twelve for ONE HITTER!
Wakefield - 19 cookies - plus 12 for pitching his butt off (even if he lost)
Drew - 14 cookies
Lester - 8 cookies
Crawford - 7 cookies - -3 for bad series overall
Aceves - 6 cookies
Dahmer - 5 cookies
Ellsbury - 4 cookies
Youk - 4 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus three for home run (also +2 spine punches for gm 1, -2 spine punches for home run)
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Salty - 3 cookies, 2 spine punches - spine punches for forgetting how to catch the knuckleball
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - 1 cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch - one cookie for a game three save
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -17 cookies
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch

Varitek: Taking Away Your Team's Hits

Been a while since I updated this baby. Sadly, no more no-hitters to add to the list, but Tek has accumulated a few more one and two-hitters. He's pretty awesome, and I feel no shame in saying that without crediting any of the pitchers. All Tek.

No-Hitters
April 4, 2001 (vs. Orioles) - WP Hideo Nomo
April 27, 2002 (vs. Devil Rays) - WP Derek Lowe
October 1, 2006 *5 Inning Game* (vs. Orioles) - WP Devern Hansack (doesn't actually count in the books as a no-hitter, but I'm adding it to my list)
September 1, 2007 (vs. Orioles) - WP Clay Buchholz
May 19, 2008 (vs. Royals) - WP Jon Lester

One-Hitters
August 29, 2000 (vs. Devil Rays) - WP Pedro Martinez
May 25, 2001 (vs. Blue Jays) - WP Hideo Nomo
June 14, 2005 (vs. Reds) - WP David Wells
July 18, 2006 (vs. Royals) - WP Jon Lester
June 7, 2007 (vs. A's) - WP Curt Schilling (the infamous shaking-off-Tek game!)
May 22, 2010 (vs. Phillies) - WP Daisuke Matsuzaka
May 25, 2010 (vs. Rays) - WP Jon Lester
June 15, 2011 (vs. Rays) - WP Josh Beckett

Two-Hitters
July 28, 1999 (vs. Blue Jays) - WP Pat Rapp
April 4, 2000 (vs. Mariners) - WP Pedro Martinez
May 12, 2000 (vs. Orioles) - WP Pedro Martinez
June 8, 2000 (vs. Indians) - WP Pedro Martinez
April 26, 2001 (vs. Twins) - WP Hideo Nomo
April 5, 2002 (vs. Orioles) - WP Derek Lowe
April 19, 2002 (vs. Royals) - WP Pedro Martinez
April 25, 2002 (vs. Orioles) - WP Pedro Martinez
June 20, 2002 (vs. Padres) - WP Pedro Martinez
July 6, 2002 (vs. Tigers) - WP Pedro Martinez
July 30, 2002 (vs. Angels) - WP Pedro Martinez
September 21, 2002 (vs. Orioles) - WP John Burkett
June 8, 2004 (vs. Padres) - WP Pedro Martinez
April 29, 2008 (vs. Blue Jays) - WP Jonathan Papelbon (SP Jon Lester)
August 29, 2008 (vs. White Sox) - WP Daisuke Matsuzaka
June 9, 2009 (vs. Yankees) - WP Josh Beckett
April 28, 2010 (vs. Jays) - WP Jon Lester
April 10, 2011 (vs. Yankees) - WP Josh Beckett
April 18, 2011 (vs. Jays) - WP Daisuke Matsuzaka
April 23, 2011 (vs. Angels) - WP Daisuke Matsuzaka

June 13: Cookies.. And Again, No Spine Punches

It's been a good week for the Sox. We've gone through two whole series and I haven't felt the need to administer a single spine punch. Who gets the most cookies, you might ask?

Yeah, there shouldn't have been any question about that. Let's get this updated!

Papi - 32 cookies - plus 12 for fifth inning shenanigans
Varitek - 31 cookies - plus 13 for being offensively wonderful
Munchkin - 31 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus nine cookies for offensive contributions and for continuing to not be broken.
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies - plus one cookie for a clean inning
Drew - 14 cookies - two cookies for a good Saturday
Beckett - 12 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Lester - 8 cookies - plus six for getting himself back on track
Wakefield - 7 cookies
Aceves - 6 cookies
Dahmer - 5 cookies - for pitching with a blister
Ellsbury - 4 cookies
Scutaro - 3 cookies - for doing a good job!
Salty - 3 cookies - for playing while not feeling well... and doing a good job.
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - 1 cookies - plus seven... just to get him into positive cookies
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie for a clean inning
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie - also for a clean inning
Youk - 1 cookie and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus one, because apparently, I'm being petty if I don't give him one.
Lackey - -17 cookies - plus six for only giving up four runs.
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch
Paps - 1 Timlin spine punch

Tek and Papi: Fifth Inning Fiends

Two three-run home runs came in the fifth inning. One off the bat of the man above and one off the bat of the man below.

Both home runs were things of pure beauty, and each helped to ensure that no matter what John Lackey did on the mound, it wouldn't matter. I mean, Lackey was fine, going six and giving up four runs, but the offense spotted him SIXTEEN RUNS, so really, who cares? He could have given up eight and I wouldn't have cared. Any more than that would have been a little disconcerting, but that's irrelevant because he only let up four.

The only starter that didn't manage a hit to call his very own was Lowrider, but he managed an RBI. Everyone in the starting lineup had RBIs. It was an RBI party and the Red Sox showed up big time.

Wait... what? Oh. It's 7 AM, that's why I'm babbling. Sorry, this happens to me... pretty much all the time.

Where was I? Baseball! That's right. That's where I always am. After Lackey, Wheeler, Hottovy, and itty bitty baby Sox Bowden got to pitch. Not only did they not allow any runs to score, they didn't allow any hits. Sure, they sprinkled in a couple of walks, but no harm done. What a trio of delightfulness they turned into.

I know it's hard to pick offensive standouts in a game with 18 hits and 16 runs on the visitor's side of the board, but that's my job. A job that I don't get paid for, so you know I must love it. Besides Papi and Tek, we got another three hits out of Munchkin, with which he claimed three RBIs for himself. That knee really must be ok, and I will suppress all further concern from here on out. Papi had two hits... heck, the bottom of our order (Scutaro, Drew, and Tek) went 8-for-14. That's unheard of. I've never heard of that. Scutaro had four hits! Tek had four RBIs! I mean, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but this was just insanity. I've never enjoyed insanity quite as thoroughly as I did on Saturday. I guess this is what you’d call a team effort… at least that’s what I’m calling it. You can call it a sandwich for all I care.

So that was that. Next game, the Sox and Jon Lester go for a sweep. Oh, goodness, I’m so excited to find out what happened! (Spoiler: We sort of won.)

June 10th: Cookies (No Spine Punches!)

Tommy Hottovy - 24 cookies
Papi - 20 cookies - plus 12 for making Yankees cry
Munchkin - 22 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus six for not needing surgery
Varitek - 18 cookies - plus 6 for surviving the knuckleball on Wednesday
Beckett - 12 cookies - For being amazing.
Drew - 12 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies
Wakefield - 7 cookies - earned 6 for winning
Aceves - 6 cookies - plus six for earning a save on Wednesday
Ellsbury - 4 cookies - plus 1 for a lead-off home run
Lester - 2 cookies - for winning a hard-fought game on Tuesday
Jenks - 1 cookie
Ernie - -6 cookies - plus six for tripling on Tuesday
Lackey - -23 cookies
Cameron - 1 Timlin spine punch.
Youk - 1 Timlin spine punch
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch
Paps - 1 Timlin spine punch

"Clean" Sweep: Beckett A Hit In New York

Oh wait... no, I meant "Beckett Hits A Bunch in New York." I am absolutely angry that I fell asleep last night and missed him plunking Granderson. I've been waiting to see him exact just a tiny bit of revenge since the moment Granderson broke up his no-hitter on June 3rd, 2009. I know, you're thinking I'm bitter and vindictive. In this case, you are correct. I saw him hit Jeter, and I missed the plunking of A-Rod and didn't care.... but man, if I had only stayed awake till the fifth. That's my punishment for being exhausted.

The result of the game was infinitely more pleasant than I had anticipated when I went to check the score this morning. Beckett settled down and got through seven innings with no more runs allowed. He hit almost as many as he allowed hits to (3 to 4) and he walked two. Granted, it's not the kind of dominant performance against the Yankees that we've seen twice already this year, but I figured they would score off him eventually. It was almost like pity runs to apologize for all the hit batters. Hah... right, like Josh Beckett has pity for any of his enemies.

In what I assume was retaliation, Papi got hit by Fatass in the fourth. I guess it's only fair, and I'm not going to act shocked and appalled. We hit their guys, they hit our hottest hitter. Are we square now? Probably not, but I could care less as long as no one gets seriously injured.

I'll have to watch the 2-hour replay that I Tivo'd so I can see that glorious 7th inning (or you could just watch the highlight video here). Looks like Fatass just fell apart. Ortiz singled (guess the hit didn't kill him, huh?), Lowrider tripled, Cam doubled, Tek singled, CRW singled, Ernie singled, and Fatass came out. His replacement, David Robertson, kept the rally going with a single to Youkilis and a double to Papi (two hits in an inning. NY really showed him!). When it was over and the dust had cleared, the Sox put seven on the board and handed Fatass his THIRD loss against Josh this year. I love that Josh keeps winning the rematch. It makes me feel vindicated. Who doesn't love a good Friday vindication?

All of our active sports teams are in Canada right this very minute. The Sox are preparing to face the Jays while the Bruins are lacing up to hopefully gain a series lead in Vancouver. Do us proud, guys.

Terrific Timmys: Wakefield and Thomas Secure Wins

44 year old Tim Wakefield and 37 year old Tim Thomas made sports fans in Boston very happy last night. For Thomas, he recorded yet another shutout for the Bruins in their quest to bring home a Stanley Cup for the first time since 1972 and helped turn the Finals into a best-of-three affair. And I can't say I was morally against his hit on Burrows either. I'm just hoping that Thomas and the boys can keep up this pace and finish the Canucks off back at the Garden in game six.

As for Tim Wakefield, he reduced his magic number from 12 to 11, pitching five and one third innings of pretty good baseball against the former number one team in the AL East. Tim's first three innings were brilliant, and then the ever-baffling knuckleball seemed to take a nasty turn on him. Timmy allowed five runs on five hits with three walks and three strikeouts. More importantly, Tim and the team got the win. For Wake, this is win number 182 in a Red Sox uniform. Ten to tie, eleven to take the top. It's seeming more and more likely that he can do it, and if he can't do it this season, Theo better bring him back next year.

For a few moments after realizing Varitek was catching for Wake, I was filled with pure and paralyzing terror, but I have to say... he did a damn fine job of it. Though we all know Tek is scared to death of catching that knuckleball, he knew we needed him and he did what he had to do. The battery duo last night has shown time and time again that either of them will do anything the team needs done, and that's why I love both of them so much.

The offense jumped on a largely ineffective Burnett early, putting three up on the board in the first inning for the second night in a row, two runs coming off another Ortiz home run. I'm sure Girardi didn't appreciate it at all, but thankfully, we don't play to keep Girardi happy. Tito, on the other hand, probably loved it. In the second, Scoots and Drew teamed up to add another run. In the fourth, Varitek beat out a double-play ball to bring in a run, then CRW doubled to bring in another, and THEN Munchkin singled to bring in the 7th run. Still, for all the runs we put on him, Burnett lasted longer than Garcia.

The Yanks tried to make it interesting in the later innings, but Alfredo Aceves earned a save by throwing three and two-thirds innings and only allowing a single run. Just to make it comfortable again, the Sox added three more in the ninth on home runs for Crawford and Drew. Aceves slammed the door in the bottom of the ninth, and we take the top spot in the East. Easy, right?

Sure was. Let's home the never-ending rematch of Beckett vs Sabathia plays out the way these last two games have.

Crawford: Killer of A's

Crawford crossing homeplate after his home run

Three games, and three times Crawford is right in the mix of wonderful goings-on, so he gets two titles this weekend. I think he deserves it! The second inning found Crawford picking up three more RBI's and making everyone at the park stand up and cheer. Ernie added his own two run home run two innings later. At that point, the score was 5-2, as Lackey had let one run score in both the 3rd and the 4th.

The sixth inning was kind of crazy with the base running. CRW stole second and third... well, technically, he took them on wild pitches, but it doesn't much matter to me. Munchkin singled him in and then stole second himself. There was baserunning all over the place! It was insanity. I'm telling you. You should believe me.

Dewey graced us with his presence! I'm always excited to see Dewey!
Other fun things that happened? Varitek walked to the bullpen. I have proof!

See? He's a pretty man. That is a true story, and I have many, many friends who will corroborate that story. Salty hit a triple, which was amazing. Thanks for the misplay, Coco. Salty was "thrown out" at home, but we all know he was safe. Granted, I was pretty far back in the park (Row 6 of grandstand section 2), but I have no doubts in my mind that he was safe. Then Ellsbury was "thrown out" at second, prompting the quote of the afternoon from someone who was sitting two rows behind me. "Hey ump, get off your knees, you're blowing the game!" I shamelessly admit that I giggled. And then I wrote it down. And now I'm sharing it with you! Enjoy!

That was pretty much the ballgame, folks. Three game sweeps of any team are welcome. I would have liked the Yankees to have lost at some point, but I won't be bitter. We'll get 'em this week. Updated cookie/spine punch standings coming up!

Thank Heaven For JD Drew: Yeah, Bet You Never Thought I'd Write That

How does one even start to summarize this game without swearing? My friends described it as Groundhog's Day, where the same thing kept happening over and over. Runners reach base, the runners get stranded, we rip out our hair. Beckett wasn't at his best, and his ERA is over 2 for the first time in a long time. Albers only served to load the bases in the 7th. Tommy Hottovy, our new litttle call up, got an insanely key double play.

Papelbon was terrible. Munchkin made a crappy error, but contrary to popular belief, that whole mess wasn't his fault. You can't assume the double play, and Paps shouldn't have been so awful. I don't care that he was a closer coming in to a non-save situation. He still had a job to do, and he didn't do it.

I can't remember the last time I saw Tek get kicked out the game. I don't know what he said, but Randazzo was quick to run him. Randazzo was also quick to mouth off to Papelbon. While I don't approve of Papelbon charging down to home plate and getting in the ump's face, I understand his frustration, and I'm disgusted with Randazzo's behavior. When will it be time for MLB to put these asshole umpires in check. When it gets the point that you know the umpires' names, there's a problem. The game is NOT about you, Tony. Pull your head out of your ass.

Jenks pitched 1.2 innings (coming in after Paps got tossed) and did a great job. Maybe that DL time really did help him. Alfredo Aceves was absolutely clutch, coming out of the bullpen and pitching four innings and giving us chance after chance. The eleventh inning was a little scary. Aceves allowed a run and we got down to our last out... and oh my goodness, Salty hit a double! And then CRW doubled him in! Insane. So on the game went.

Finally, in another groundhog day moment, we are quickly down to our last out, and Crawford doubled, then Drew drives him in with a very clutch single. Water, and everyone gets to breathe. It was intense and frightening, and I'm just glad they walked away with a win. I don't know what's going to happen with Paps... did he bump Randazzo? I hope he didn't, because we don't need suspensions. All that matters is the win, and we got it.

Tidbits: Next Best Thing To A Real Post

I've been seeing a lot of links to a lot of good causes lately. Since there's nothing major going on in my Red Sox life, I figured I would point out a couple of cool charity-ish things people could do.

First! I am passing on this link because the person who started the donation page is a friend of a dear friend of mine, and his son needs help. Nathan is a very sick child and his parents are doing all they can to get him well again. They're trying to raise money to take him to a clinic in Maryland that specializes in children's eating disorders, but the visit (and the trip) is not covered by their insurance. They're so close to their goal of $3,000 that every little bit would help tremendously. If you can, take a minute to go read his story, and help if you can.

Second! Tickets for Tek's Celebrity Putt-Putt are on sale. $50 lets you be a spectator and gets you a picture with the Captain. He's been doing this for a long, long time, but this is the first year I will be attending. It's all for a good cause. All proceeds go to Journey Forward, which is an organization that helps better the lives of people who have suffered spinal cord injuries. Thanks to the folks over at Surviving Grady for the reminder, without which I probably would have forgotten to buy tickets. Again. For the thousandth time.

The third and final good-deed link for the day is brought to you by Toeing The Rubber who has brought to my attention a petition started by a 12-year-old Red Sox fan to have the Sox put together an "It Gets Better" video. You can go to Cyn's blog and read the details, or you can click here and just sign the petition. Or, I guess you could do neither of those things, but really, how hard is it to sign a virtual petition?

So there you have it, Red Sox Nation. There was no baseball last night, so you have nothing to agonize over today (except possibly the upcoming game), but you can feel good about yourself by helping a sick child, supporting a charity for those with spinal cord injuries, or helping to bring a message of hope to the LGBT community. What karma points have you racked up today?

Make This Real: Tek Support

Watch this video.

I would intentionally be the most computer illiterate person in the world if this existed in real life

Cookies!: And Spine Punches!

These are the current arbitrary team cookie standings:

Varitek - 12 cookies
Munchkin - 6 cookies
Papi - 6 cookies
Crawford - -2 cookies (I gave him one, Amy took two away)
Aceves - -3 cookies, but no spine punch... this time.
Cameron - No cookies, 1 Timlin spine punch.

That's another thing that I should explain. When a player does poorly, they get no cookies. Sometimes we will take cookies away from them, and sometimes, if the play is especially poor, the player receives a "Timlin spine punch." Essentially, this means that Mike Timlin is hiding somewhere in the clubhouse, and when the player in question least expects it, he jumps out and delivers a swift punch in the spine. Sometimes Mike Timlin camouflages himself as Varitek's locker (Varitek being one of his best friends, in my imagination), and he'll jump out and scare the rookies. Sometimes, when he's camouflaged, Varitek will try to reach into his locker and accidentally punch Timlin in the chest, and then he'll shout "Damnit, Mike! I told you to stop doing this!" And Timlin will laugh and pull out his crossbow, and everyone will have a great time.

What? Don't look at me like that. I've got an overactive imagination.

So these are the Cookie/Spine Punch standings. We'll see where everyone stands at the end of the season. I bet Tek will have the most cookies. And no, this isn't bias at all...